Friday 1 August 2014

More Mental Health Rambling

I cannot understand my moods at the moment. Well, I say "at the moment" but it's probably been for the past few months now.

I suppose this is part of the Depression, but I either seem to have a real lack of emotion (feeling numb, not sure how to respond when someone asks "how are you" because honestly? I really don't know. I just 'am'. That's it.) or I have days filled with a million different emotions, that I feel far too intensely. It won't take much to make me cry (seriously, just someone showing a little kindness will set me off!), I'll get really really angry at things (just hearing dad talk about work made me very angry. I just wanted to scream at him to shut the hell up!), the silliest jokes, comments etc will have me giggling like a teenager, I'll get really emotional over a movie (far too excited, far too upset etc). I just want to feel emotions 'normally' and feel like I have some sort of control over them.

Trigger Warning: Weight/Body image

One change I've made, is to stop taking the contraceptive pill Microgynon. When I started on it, I put on at least a stone. At the time, it was a good thing, but I hate it now. I  only stopped taking the pill about a month ago, and these moods have gone on for much longer, so I'm not sure if this is something I can blame on hormones. Besides, I've not been sexually active in over a year, I don't see it happening anytime soon, so what's the point in taking it at the moment? I'm having real self esteem issues, and I'm hating how much weight I've put on. Honestly, it's not much really, but I feel huge. I want to feel good about myself for something, but I just look at every part of me (personality as well as looks etc) and I'm not happy with what I see. I can't even just accept it. For someone who takes a lot of selfies, I sure do hate the way I look. Nothing wrong with faking a bit of self confidence though I guess.

My mum recently had a big ankle operation, and can't weight-bear for at least 4 weeks now. I'm doing what I can for her, when dad's at work, but I'm struggling A LOT. I pretty much start the morning in tears, but getting on with things. I feel constantly sick, dizzy, wobbly, uncoordinated (I'm covered in bruises because I keep walking/falling into things) and breathless. My pains are worse too, and the Naproxen is doing NOTHING. I wish the doctors would give me pain meds that are actually strong, and potentially work. I may be small, but small doses just aren't going to cut it.

I really wanted to vent earlier today, but I couldn't find the words. I'll try here. Basically, I feel like I can't look after my own health whilst I'm looking after mum. I have to push and push and push until I'm in so much pain/so exhausted/dizzy/breathless that I have no choice but to lie on the sofa. And then I only get a very short break before I have to do it all again. I've tried to explain it to mum, but have just ended up making her feel guilty (which is NOT what I intended in the slightest. I'm trying to emphasise that I CAN'T not I won't). I just wish there was someone else around who could be there for her when I'm not able to.

She had an appointment today, so my dad and I came with her. I'm going to sound ridiculously self absorbed here, but whenever she was in lots of pain, dizzy, exhausted, whatever, the nurses (and dad) were right there, seeing if she needed anything, asking how she was, trying to set her mind at ease etc. I of course wanted to do the same thing, but I was already in a real irritable, self pitying mood and honestly? I felt jealous. Not jealous of the pain she was in. I can't compare it to mine, but I know it gets very bad and causes nausea etc. I was jealous because people noticed, they cared, she wasn't invisible! Maybe it was just because this appointment was for her, not me, but I had a few times during that appointment, where I was in a lot of pain (I'm sure you could've seen it on my face) and I was stumbling about with dizziness. I also had that weird experience, of feeling like I'm not really there (dissociation?) I must've looked like I was struggling, but no one noticed. It made me realise just how invisible, my invisible illness can be sometimes.

I wonder how much pain my doctors realise I'm in, just how constant these pains are (they're not just mild aches), how much the other symptoms affect me, how much I struggle to do things and how hard I try to do them. In public, it feels socially unacceptable to show you're in pain, so I grit my teeth and bottle it up (I might end up crying out a bit, not loudly, when I have no other choice). Maybe I should just make it more obvious? But then again, I don't like causing a scene, I don't like being fussed over. I just want people (medical professionals, not the general public) to actually notice I'm in pain, without me having to explain it (with the fear of being doubted because I'm not yelling etc) and to treat me as someone who won't just be fobbed off with low dose meds.

This sounds so terrible and probably is one of those "be careful what you wish for!" things, but sometimes I wish something a bit more dramatic would happen, just so the doctors will realise this isn't just a few mild aches and pains, with a teensy bit of dizziness. If that's what it was, I'd be looking for a job/in a job by now.

I've cancelled my CBT sessions, for various reasons. I can't get transport there, I need to be in the house constantly, for mum, and I really don't think these sessions are helping. I mean, sure, there are some things I can try (mindfulness, going for a walk, monitoring my moods, trying to do nice things for myself), which I can just about achieve on better days. My lack of motivation seriously affects my ability to do these things to help myself though, even on better days. If I do (some of) these things, I may get a slight temporary increase in mood, but that's it. So I guess it's my motivation that needs tackling, but how? It takes motivation to do anything, right down to 'basic' things like getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating (even a really simple meal). It may make me sound lazy, but it's not laziness. On better days, I do far too much then end up feeling depressed again, because I've made myself flare up yet again. I get so frustrated with my own body.

I guess this could all be summed up as this; I am very fed up.

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