Tuesday, 24 September 2013

I can do this

My parents set off for their holiday this morning and the house is so quiet now! I'm rather jealous of them, could do with some sun, sand and sea but I couldn't afford it. Ah well, maybe next year! Frankly, I'd be happy even with just a weekend in Llandudno or something. My city isn't exactly the most cheerful place to be.

I haven't had a house to myself since uni, and my health was a bit better round that time, so obviously I'm quite nervous. My brainfog's been awful so the house is full of lists of things to do, to remember when certain people are turning up, appointments etc. Good job I've kept all my letters :)

Argh I'm glad of a bit of peace and quiet. I love my parents to bits but my dad in particular can make a stressful situation ten times worse. I know he doesn't mean it and he does eventually calm down if you have a word with him, but he's a real stress head (more so than me!!) and he likes to pace, and huff and puff, and sigh, and swear and generally get angry at the smallest things. When I'm in the middle of a flare, or generally having a bad fibro day, it does. not. help. I don't think he gets the concept of sensitivity to sound either...

I am nervous though, for many reasons. I worry about having to take myself to my next psych appointment, haven't travelled alone in a while. I hope I don't get all anxious when I sign in at reception. I get all disorientated on my own anyway. Need to learn how to be calmer and feel more in control. I also worry about the horrible thoughts going into my head when I'm alone. I will try to distract myself but sometimes it's impossible and I end up curled up in a ball crying at nothing in particular. Also, I have a phone WRAG appointment. I hate phones but getting to the place is so stressful and exhausting even with dad driving me and coming in with me. I barely coped the last time! I also worry about housework and shopping; whether I'll cope with that on my own. There's no one to take over if I can't do it so I'm gonna have to pace myself very very strictly; hence the lists. I have one thing to do a day, housework-wise. Two if it's a good day. If I can manage to run a hoover round it is gonna have to be literally the ONLY thing I do that day. It puts strain on my shoulder, arms, legs, hips and back. Not fun but it does have to be done.

The friends who still talk to me are being amazing :) They've offered to help if needs be. I'm the kind of person who is always too polite (or stubborn!) to ask for help but I will listen to my body and ask if needs be :)

The psychologist has told me that I have to make sure I'm doing one thing each day that I enjoy. I plan to get the musical instruments out and see just how rusty I am hehe! My flute teacher in particular said to never give up playing flute. Back in 6th form, she said I'd got to a point where I was able to play pretty much anything. I'm thinking of having a crack at the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack :)

Ok, I think I'll leave it here. I'm pretty sleep deprived and knackered so should listen to the advice my parents gave, after my hectic few days, and REST.

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