As of last Monday, I decided to take a Social Media break.
I'd been scrolling on Facebook and Twitter particularly, and had noticed symptoms of my mental illnesses flaring up, as well as a general sheer drop in mood. The kinds of anxieties I had were about friends. I'd found that not many people were replying to me and some were replying in a more blunt way than usual. Naturally, I thought that they were finally getting fed up of me, and as much as I tried to believe that maybe they were having a bad day/week etc themselves, I couldn't help but place the blame on myself and criticise myself for "pushing them away".
The more I ruminated over this, the worse I felt. That, coupled with my worries over getting more ill and having no help from the Community Mental Health team, meant that I was heading towards crisis point. I broke down in my last CBT session and stayed that way for days afterwards. Eventually I decided I had the choice of either returning to a very dark scary place in my mind, where I actually am pushing everyone away and making dangerous decisions, or I could make a vow to change my mindset.
Of course, this is easier said than done, but I was at a point where I could "catch" myself before I went over the edge, At this point, choosing was difficult, but possible.
I decided that because the Community Mental Health Team wouldn't save me, I had to try and save myself. I started with a social media break. I needed to stop scrolling through my timelines; letting everything get to me and being bombarded with bad news and more people to "cancel".
I have taken social media breaks before, but usually this was with the ulterior motive of seeing if anyone noticed and would message me. I often feel like people would barely remember me if I was gone. I also worry no one sees me as close a friend as I see them.
The main reasons for this break were to have time in the "real world", take time for myself to reassess how I feel about friendship, reassurance, and myself. I need to become more self compassionate and self reliant especially.
Although I wasn't necessarily expecting messages, I did get some from a couple of friends. I've missed talking to people (barely anyone texts me these days), so getting some messages has helped.
I've also recently been reading a book called "The Compassionate Mind" by Paul Gilbert. I've been finding it very useful. I can relate to a lot of things in the book (my mindset, things I worry about, things I do etc) and it has a lot of exercises I can do. These exercises aim to conjure up self compassion and compassion for others. It involves a lot of meditative mindfulness tasks too.
Since reading this book, and completing some of the exercises, I have found I've had times where I feel peaceful. I still have a long way to go, but I am doing better than I was. I think I've managed to pull myself further away from a crisis; which is such a relief.
In case I do get to crisis point again, a friend helped me to plan what I could do. This would involve letting my parents know so they could get in touch with the GP who I find is most helpful for my mental health. He would possibly see me for an urgent appointment, and I would get advice and/or emergency medication (depending on what he felt was appropriate). Alongside this, I could also talk to trusted friends and ring my local mental health helpline. They may be able to advise me as to what to do, or help me calm down and think more clearly. The problem with being at crisis point is that you often don't feel in control of your thoughts, feelings, or actions. It can be a very risky time and it is important to have a plan that is easy to follow.
For now, thankfully, I'm not at that point though. I also don't feel as worried about friends who don't contact me much/at all. I know that the true friends will stick by my side and it is important to concentrate on them, as well as being reliant on myself.
I will continue to read the compassion book and complete the exercises every day. I seem to be using it as a guide, and maybe that is what I need right now. My next CBT session is on Monday, and I'm hoping I can give some positive news to my therapist then. I do not feel I made much progress in the last session, but I think I needed to get to that point in order for something to change within me.
So right now, I can't say I'm exactly happy, but I'm OK and I think I'm making slow but steady progress. My next blog post will be about my next Trauma Focused CBT session.
Friday, 6 March 2020
Wednesday, 26 February 2020
Trauma Focused CBT: Session Eight
(TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of abortion, self harm, and details of attempted suicide)
I felt very on edge, leading up to this latest appointment. I think it was for various reasons. Firstly, I was waiting on results of some scans and a possible follow up appointment with my Rheumatologist. Secondly, it'd been a while since my previous session, and I felt I hadn't done enough homework in that time. Thirdly, I'd been very down recently and felt I'd lost some of the progress I'd made with my PTSD. There were probably other reasons too, but the above states the main ones.
As expected, I scored highly on the Anxiety, Depression etc questionnaires. My moods had affected my behaviours and functioning, and they weren't helping my ability to keep myself occupied and maintain relationships either. I felt disappointed in myself and as if I'd failed my therapist. She asked me how things had been recently and if anything had happened in particular.
I explained that I had been very low and anxious recently, about various things including friendship. I felt very alone and distant from people I loved. I'd been very quiet recently and have felt that even when I have interacted with friends etc, I'd been saying all the wrong things.
My therapist wanted me to see how my moods were linked to the trauma from the abortion. I told her how I'd spoken to a friend who'd helped me through the abortion, and one who had an abortion herself a while back.
The main topic, surrounding my abortion, that I spoke about with the first friend. were the attitudes experienced from the nurses involved in my care, as well as the man who would've been the father of my child, and the new boyfriend I had at the time. I felt I'd had very little support from them, and judgement more than anything. The nurses judged my resulting in becoming pregnant, and my decision to have the abortion. The father-to-be also judged my decision to have the abortion, and treated it as a tragic loss (even lighting a candle to "mourn" when we were speaking via video call online). The new boyfriend judged my sexual history as well as my becoming pregnant, although he was all for me having an abortion (I don't think he wanted children).
When we spoke about the father-to-be, we discussed what might've happened had I carried on the pregnancy. My friend believed that he probably wouldn't have stuck by me, especially going by our on/off relationship. He seemed to find any excuse to dump me to be honest. The more I think about him, and our relationship, the more I realise that maybe he wasn't the right man for me after all. I think part of me never really got over him, and even saw the pregnancy as a bond between us (even after it was over). I feel I have moved on from him, if not the trauma however.
The friend I spoke to, who had experienced an abortion too, had similar judgement from the nurses involved in her care. In time, and with a lot of therapy, she had managed to move on as much as possible, and did not find memories of this traumatic anymore. I found it eye opening that the nurses had been just as unprofessional towards her, and I felt angry and upset for her. To know that she could move past this gave me hope though. Maybe I could do this too, in time?
We spoke about how I hadn't gone into much detail about the abortion, and that I find it hard to face. I'm still avoiding a fair amount of things, including carrying on conversations about abortions, reading views on them etc. I explained that I was scared of being badly triggered and becoming very unwell again as I felt I wouldn't be able to get any help.
I then talked about how my thoughts still go to self harm/suicide when I find myself in a situation I cannot/easily get out of. She asked if I remembered a time in the past when that happened. We spoke about a time I was threatened with sanction on the Work Programme (Part of Work Related Activity for Employment and Support Allowance), for a situation I could not help. Basically, at that time I was too anxious to travel places on my own. My dad worked shifts at that time, and his shift patterns changed so that he would not be able to take me to appointments with the Work Programme. No one else I trusted could take me, so I suggested having telephone appointments, but was refused. Being in this catch-22 situation, worrying about loss of income, I became so suicidal I nearly ran into traffic.
I got very upset in this therapy session, as I explained how scared I am of going back to that point.
She asked what would happen if I got to that point. I explained about my experiences with CMHT assessing then discharging me because I'd already had help from them in the past, and they felt there was nothing more they could do. I also told her what the A&E Psych Liaison team had said (They described me as a square peg, and the CMHT as a round hole. This implied that I was simply too different to be helped by them) and that I felt the door was permanently shut to me even though I couldn't understand why I should be any different to anyone else when I need that sort of help.
The session came to an end soon after this, once I had calmed down. My therapist gave me homework to be kinder to myself, read bits of the self compassion book she had recommended (I can't remember the exact name, but it is by Paul Gilbert) and try to talk to friends more directly.
I still feel affected by this session, but having a good cry and venting my fears has helped. I know that I need to make a change, for the sake of myself and my loved ones. I need to be much kinder to myself; practising self acceptance and forgiveness.
I felt very on edge, leading up to this latest appointment. I think it was for various reasons. Firstly, I was waiting on results of some scans and a possible follow up appointment with my Rheumatologist. Secondly, it'd been a while since my previous session, and I felt I hadn't done enough homework in that time. Thirdly, I'd been very down recently and felt I'd lost some of the progress I'd made with my PTSD. There were probably other reasons too, but the above states the main ones.
As expected, I scored highly on the Anxiety, Depression etc questionnaires. My moods had affected my behaviours and functioning, and they weren't helping my ability to keep myself occupied and maintain relationships either. I felt disappointed in myself and as if I'd failed my therapist. She asked me how things had been recently and if anything had happened in particular.
I explained that I had been very low and anxious recently, about various things including friendship. I felt very alone and distant from people I loved. I'd been very quiet recently and have felt that even when I have interacted with friends etc, I'd been saying all the wrong things.
My therapist wanted me to see how my moods were linked to the trauma from the abortion. I told her how I'd spoken to a friend who'd helped me through the abortion, and one who had an abortion herself a while back.
The main topic, surrounding my abortion, that I spoke about with the first friend. were the attitudes experienced from the nurses involved in my care, as well as the man who would've been the father of my child, and the new boyfriend I had at the time. I felt I'd had very little support from them, and judgement more than anything. The nurses judged my resulting in becoming pregnant, and my decision to have the abortion. The father-to-be also judged my decision to have the abortion, and treated it as a tragic loss (even lighting a candle to "mourn" when we were speaking via video call online). The new boyfriend judged my sexual history as well as my becoming pregnant, although he was all for me having an abortion (I don't think he wanted children).
When we spoke about the father-to-be, we discussed what might've happened had I carried on the pregnancy. My friend believed that he probably wouldn't have stuck by me, especially going by our on/off relationship. He seemed to find any excuse to dump me to be honest. The more I think about him, and our relationship, the more I realise that maybe he wasn't the right man for me after all. I think part of me never really got over him, and even saw the pregnancy as a bond between us (even after it was over). I feel I have moved on from him, if not the trauma however.
The friend I spoke to, who had experienced an abortion too, had similar judgement from the nurses involved in her care. In time, and with a lot of therapy, she had managed to move on as much as possible, and did not find memories of this traumatic anymore. I found it eye opening that the nurses had been just as unprofessional towards her, and I felt angry and upset for her. To know that she could move past this gave me hope though. Maybe I could do this too, in time?
We spoke about how I hadn't gone into much detail about the abortion, and that I find it hard to face. I'm still avoiding a fair amount of things, including carrying on conversations about abortions, reading views on them etc. I explained that I was scared of being badly triggered and becoming very unwell again as I felt I wouldn't be able to get any help.
I then talked about how my thoughts still go to self harm/suicide when I find myself in a situation I cannot/easily get out of. She asked if I remembered a time in the past when that happened. We spoke about a time I was threatened with sanction on the Work Programme (Part of Work Related Activity for Employment and Support Allowance), for a situation I could not help. Basically, at that time I was too anxious to travel places on my own. My dad worked shifts at that time, and his shift patterns changed so that he would not be able to take me to appointments with the Work Programme. No one else I trusted could take me, so I suggested having telephone appointments, but was refused. Being in this catch-22 situation, worrying about loss of income, I became so suicidal I nearly ran into traffic.
I got very upset in this therapy session, as I explained how scared I am of going back to that point.
She asked what would happen if I got to that point. I explained about my experiences with CMHT assessing then discharging me because I'd already had help from them in the past, and they felt there was nothing more they could do. I also told her what the A&E Psych Liaison team had said (They described me as a square peg, and the CMHT as a round hole. This implied that I was simply too different to be helped by them) and that I felt the door was permanently shut to me even though I couldn't understand why I should be any different to anyone else when I need that sort of help.
The session came to an end soon after this, once I had calmed down. My therapist gave me homework to be kinder to myself, read bits of the self compassion book she had recommended (I can't remember the exact name, but it is by Paul Gilbert) and try to talk to friends more directly.
I still feel affected by this session, but having a good cry and venting my fears has helped. I know that I need to make a change, for the sake of myself and my loved ones. I need to be much kinder to myself; practising self acceptance and forgiveness.
Thursday, 6 February 2020
Trauma Focused CBT: Session Seven
(Trigger Warning: Mentions of Abortion, Stillbirth, and Miscarriage)
I felt quite down leading up to, and during session seven. My homework was to pick some of the feared situations from the list I'd made in my last session . I decided I would try to look at some pregnancy scans on Facebook, as well as watch some story lines on television, of stillbirth and miscarriage. I was also to carry on using the term "Abortion" rather than "Termination". As well as this, I was to keep on journalling and noting down how putting myself in these situations made me feel and how I coped with that.
I find using the term "abortion" isn't so fearful now. My feelings about the term are more the way someone would react when a word makes them cringe (e.g. "moist"). For the record, this does not mean I am against abortion, it's just that the traumatic one I had makes certain things affect me in different ways. So saying the word brings me back to that time, but not so intensely that I panic and get particularly triggered.
I can also cope better with seeing pregnancy scans. Before I exposed myself therapeutically to this, I found being faced with any pregnancy scan triggered me and would bring back flashbacks of being told I'm pregnant and feeling scared about what was to come next. I can separate other people's scans from my own now, and am not brought back to that time so uncontrollably.
Watching story lines about any kind of baby/fetal loss is still very difficult though. I'm forcing myself to stop avoiding these story lines, or zoning out (although I do still find myself dissociating sometimes). Stillbirth isn't as triggering, although it upsets me as much as it would upset anyone, if not slightly more. The physical side of miscarriage and the attitudes towards abortion that you see on medical dramas for example can be very triggering however. It can trigger flashbacks of the most graphic parts of my traumatic abortion; including the sickness and pain. The attitudes also remind me of the judgmental attitudes of some of the nurses I saw at that time. I was made to feel like an irresponsible teenager. I was also made to feel guilty by the potential father (he lit a candle to "mourn our loss") and made to feel like a burden by my partner at the time, in subsequent arguments around this subject.
I explained all of this at my latest session, and my therapist helped me to understand that although I had made the decision to have the abortion, the attitudes of those around me and the physical pain etc was not my fault. I had made the right decision for me at the time, even if I thought I may have coped if I'd kept the baby. It still would've affected a lot of my life.
My next piece of homework was to go through more feared situations. This time, I decided to try and talk to the best friend who supported me throughout, about my abortion. I also decided, if appropriate and carefully planned, to talk to a friend of mine who has also had an abortion. This would hopefully help open me up to other perspectives, their views on what I/they went through, and importantly, to feel less alone and more connected with people who have been through similar.
So far I have managed a short talk with the best friend; where we mainly spoke about the attitudes of people around me at the time. I found this very helpful, validating, and eye-opening. I won't go into much detail but we discussed the potential father and how flaky he could be when it came to supporting me. I hadn't fully realised this at the time, but I know now that it was true. I was so in love with him, but I'm glad to have moved on. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do hope I find the right partner for me, who would like to have children too. I also hope it is not too late to have children by the time I am ready.
Resources
Amys Mystery Illness - Trauma Focused CBT: Session Six: https://www.amysmysteryillness.co.uk/2020/01/trauma-focused-cbt-session-six.html
I felt quite down leading up to, and during session seven. My homework was to pick some of the feared situations from the list I'd made in my last session . I decided I would try to look at some pregnancy scans on Facebook, as well as watch some story lines on television, of stillbirth and miscarriage. I was also to carry on using the term "Abortion" rather than "Termination". As well as this, I was to keep on journalling and noting down how putting myself in these situations made me feel and how I coped with that.
I find using the term "abortion" isn't so fearful now. My feelings about the term are more the way someone would react when a word makes them cringe (e.g. "moist"). For the record, this does not mean I am against abortion, it's just that the traumatic one I had makes certain things affect me in different ways. So saying the word brings me back to that time, but not so intensely that I panic and get particularly triggered.
I can also cope better with seeing pregnancy scans. Before I exposed myself therapeutically to this, I found being faced with any pregnancy scan triggered me and would bring back flashbacks of being told I'm pregnant and feeling scared about what was to come next. I can separate other people's scans from my own now, and am not brought back to that time so uncontrollably.
Watching story lines about any kind of baby/fetal loss is still very difficult though. I'm forcing myself to stop avoiding these story lines, or zoning out (although I do still find myself dissociating sometimes). Stillbirth isn't as triggering, although it upsets me as much as it would upset anyone, if not slightly more. The physical side of miscarriage and the attitudes towards abortion that you see on medical dramas for example can be very triggering however. It can trigger flashbacks of the most graphic parts of my traumatic abortion; including the sickness and pain. The attitudes also remind me of the judgmental attitudes of some of the nurses I saw at that time. I was made to feel like an irresponsible teenager. I was also made to feel guilty by the potential father (he lit a candle to "mourn our loss") and made to feel like a burden by my partner at the time, in subsequent arguments around this subject.
I explained all of this at my latest session, and my therapist helped me to understand that although I had made the decision to have the abortion, the attitudes of those around me and the physical pain etc was not my fault. I had made the right decision for me at the time, even if I thought I may have coped if I'd kept the baby. It still would've affected a lot of my life.
My next piece of homework was to go through more feared situations. This time, I decided to try and talk to the best friend who supported me throughout, about my abortion. I also decided, if appropriate and carefully planned, to talk to a friend of mine who has also had an abortion. This would hopefully help open me up to other perspectives, their views on what I/they went through, and importantly, to feel less alone and more connected with people who have been through similar.
So far I have managed a short talk with the best friend; where we mainly spoke about the attitudes of people around me at the time. I found this very helpful, validating, and eye-opening. I won't go into much detail but we discussed the potential father and how flaky he could be when it came to supporting me. I hadn't fully realised this at the time, but I know now that it was true. I was so in love with him, but I'm glad to have moved on. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do hope I find the right partner for me, who would like to have children too. I also hope it is not too late to have children by the time I am ready.
Resources
Amys Mystery Illness - Trauma Focused CBT: Session Six: https://www.amysmysteryillness.co.uk/2020/01/trauma-focused-cbt-session-six.html
Wednesday, 15 January 2020
Trauma Focused CBT: Session Six
(Trigger Warning: Mentions of Abortion, Miscarriage, and Stillbirth)
I went into session six feeling quite positive, after seeing a friend the day before. I'm finding making plans with friends gives me something to look forward to, and distracts me from things. I'm trying to talk about abortion more with close friends too (and actually use the term "abortion" rather than "termination", in order to face my fear of using that term).
My last piece of homework for CBT was to list my 10 most to least feared situations related to my trauma. For me, these include saying the word "abortion" out loud, looking at a pregnancy scan, conversations/television storylines about other people's abortions, miscarriages, or stillbirths, conversations about my traumatic abortion (especially details), and hearing an anti-choice person's opinion of abortion. The latter one is my most feared as it challenges a very personal decision and puts the blame of my trauma on me.
I have recently managed to say "abortion" out loud and pregnancy scans don't make me feel as down now. I can't totally explain why certain things trigger me, but some make more sense than others I suppose.
I decided to focus more on the positive side of things in this latest session, as I wanted to remind myself what I'd actually achieved and I wanted to see for myself if I had progressed. I'm definitely taking baby steps, but there is a definite improvement in how I react to certain things. My therapist was so pleased to hear this, which made me worry that she would make this the last session (I'm so used to mental health professionals cutting off support at the slightest hint of progress) but thankfully she does want to see me again and hasn't even mentioned bringing these sessions to an end.
My homework for the next session is to go through 2 or 3 of the "feared situations" and try to face them. We discussed which ones I could manage, and which I would struggle too much with. We decided that I would watch a storyline about baby loss or abortion, look at a pregnancy scan, and try to talk more about my abortion. So far I've managed to do these without too much panic. I'm finding it so helpful to have learnt skills to help cope with the feelings I have when exposed to these situations. If I'm properly triggered by something, it's very hard to use the skills (Safe Place, Breathing Exercises, Grounding etc) but if I can "nip it in the bud" so to say, then I can avoid or minimise the triggered feelings.
So overall I'm finding I am very slowly progressing, but I do still need at least a few more sessions of therapy. I'm being realistic too. My therapist and I agree that I'll never be totally desensitised to talk of/memories of my abortion, but I will be able to get to a point where I can still function with these things on my mind. Maybe I can even lessen/stop the flashbacks I get.
My next session is on Monday, and I will try not to leave it so long before I blog about it.
Resources:
What Does It Mean to be Triggered? https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-triggered-4175432
Amy's Mystery Illness- Trauma Focused CBT: Sessions 3-5 https://www.amysmysteryillness.co.uk/2019/12/trauma-focused-cbt-sessions-3-5.html
Symptoms of PTSD https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/symptoms-of-ptsd/#b
I went into session six feeling quite positive, after seeing a friend the day before. I'm finding making plans with friends gives me something to look forward to, and distracts me from things. I'm trying to talk about abortion more with close friends too (and actually use the term "abortion" rather than "termination", in order to face my fear of using that term).
My last piece of homework for CBT was to list my 10 most to least feared situations related to my trauma. For me, these include saying the word "abortion" out loud, looking at a pregnancy scan, conversations/television storylines about other people's abortions, miscarriages, or stillbirths, conversations about my traumatic abortion (especially details), and hearing an anti-choice person's opinion of abortion. The latter one is my most feared as it challenges a very personal decision and puts the blame of my trauma on me.
I have recently managed to say "abortion" out loud and pregnancy scans don't make me feel as down now. I can't totally explain why certain things trigger me, but some make more sense than others I suppose.
I decided to focus more on the positive side of things in this latest session, as I wanted to remind myself what I'd actually achieved and I wanted to see for myself if I had progressed. I'm definitely taking baby steps, but there is a definite improvement in how I react to certain things. My therapist was so pleased to hear this, which made me worry that she would make this the last session (I'm so used to mental health professionals cutting off support at the slightest hint of progress) but thankfully she does want to see me again and hasn't even mentioned bringing these sessions to an end.
My homework for the next session is to go through 2 or 3 of the "feared situations" and try to face them. We discussed which ones I could manage, and which I would struggle too much with. We decided that I would watch a storyline about baby loss or abortion, look at a pregnancy scan, and try to talk more about my abortion. So far I've managed to do these without too much panic. I'm finding it so helpful to have learnt skills to help cope with the feelings I have when exposed to these situations. If I'm properly triggered by something, it's very hard to use the skills (Safe Place, Breathing Exercises, Grounding etc) but if I can "nip it in the bud" so to say, then I can avoid or minimise the triggered feelings.
So overall I'm finding I am very slowly progressing, but I do still need at least a few more sessions of therapy. I'm being realistic too. My therapist and I agree that I'll never be totally desensitised to talk of/memories of my abortion, but I will be able to get to a point where I can still function with these things on my mind. Maybe I can even lessen/stop the flashbacks I get.
My next session is on Monday, and I will try not to leave it so long before I blog about it.
Resources:
What Does It Mean to be Triggered? https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-triggered-4175432
Amy's Mystery Illness- Trauma Focused CBT: Sessions 3-5 https://www.amysmysteryillness.co.uk/2019/12/trauma-focused-cbt-sessions-3-5.html
Symptoms of PTSD https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/symptoms-of-ptsd/#b
Monday, 30 December 2019
Trauma Focused CBT: Sessions 3-5
(Trigger Warning: Multiple mentions of Abortion)
I'm sorry for my lack of posts recently. A lot has happened generally; including in my personal life. I've been feeling very down and anxious, as well as angry, upset, and irritable. It's made concentrating on blogging pretty much impossible. I think I'm starting to come round now, and at least try to keep up to date with my blogging.
I have had about 5 sessions of Trauma Focused CBT now, and although I don't feel like there's been much/any progress yet, I do feel positive that this is the right type of therapy for me and I will find things easier to cope with in time. I'm not sure how many sessions of this type of CBT I'm allowed, but I'm hoping there are at least a few more!
The sessions have been difficult, but productive. I have had times where I could talk in detail about the abortion, and times where I want to talk about anything but. For the times I am getting triggered/overwhelmed however, there are tools I have obtained to deal with it. I will explain some below:
Grounding: This is very useful for when I dissociate. A type of grounding I use, involves the 5 senses. When I find myself dissociating, I have to try and find/describe something I can see, smell, hear, touch, or taste. This reminds me that I am physically here right now, in the present time. When dissociating, I can often feel like I am not real, my body is not in the physical world, I'm not in the present time even. Grounding helps me to remind and reassure myself that this is not true. I am here, the past is in the past, the trauma I have been through is not happening now etc. I won't lie, it's not easy and it does take time, but most of the time this technique works.
Safe Place: This visualisation technique is used for when I am overwhelmed and panicky after talking about my trauma. A safe place is somewhere in my mind that can be anywhere; fictional or real. Personally, I like to visualise a sandy secluded beach in a warm climate. I can visualise this on my own, or my therapist can guide me to focus on certain things about it (e.g. the sight of the waves, the smell of the sea, the feel of sand between my toes etc). Performing a gesture such as clenching an object or my fist can help bring me to this place too. I clench my fist and imagine I am grasping a handful of warm, soft sand. Like grounding, this is difficult and takes time to focus on, but it can give me a short break from thinking about my trauma. This also slows down my breathing, heartbeat, racing thoughts etc.
Mindfulness: I find having a guided meditation video/audio recording, or having my therapist guide me, helps with this. I can use this when I'm feeling overwhelmed and panicky, or even when dissociating. It brings me back to the present time and helps me to focus my attention on things happening, stimulating my senses etc in the here and now. During mindfulness meditation I may be asked to focus on how my chair feels against my legs or back. I may also be asked to focus and describe the sounds in the room. If I have any thoughts about the traumatic abortion, instead of fighting them, I need to accept they are there, but try to shift my focus back to the present and remind myself that the trauma is not happening anymore.
I have been working through my PTSD booklet as well, and have got up to the part where I list feared situations, from most feared to least feared. For me, feared situations involve conversations about my abortion, someone else's abortion, using the word itself, stories about baby loss, and pregnancy scans. I may go into this in detail in the next CBT based blog post. The point of this task is to slowly expose myself to each of these situations. As you can see in this post, I am trying my best to use the word "abortion" instead of "termination", because this is the scary word for me. To me, it sounds more harsh, although I couldn't really explain why. It's not healthy to avoid using a word however (unless the word is a slur of course!) so I need to train myself to feel less scared about this.
My next session is coming up in about a week's time, and we will be focusing on the specific fears I have. This will be a difficult session, so I may need a few days to process things before I blog. In the meantime, I hope everyone's Christmas went well and the New Year brings good things.
I'm sorry for my lack of posts recently. A lot has happened generally; including in my personal life. I've been feeling very down and anxious, as well as angry, upset, and irritable. It's made concentrating on blogging pretty much impossible. I think I'm starting to come round now, and at least try to keep up to date with my blogging.
I have had about 5 sessions of Trauma Focused CBT now, and although I don't feel like there's been much/any progress yet, I do feel positive that this is the right type of therapy for me and I will find things easier to cope with in time. I'm not sure how many sessions of this type of CBT I'm allowed, but I'm hoping there are at least a few more!
The sessions have been difficult, but productive. I have had times where I could talk in detail about the abortion, and times where I want to talk about anything but. For the times I am getting triggered/overwhelmed however, there are tools I have obtained to deal with it. I will explain some below:
Grounding: This is very useful for when I dissociate. A type of grounding I use, involves the 5 senses. When I find myself dissociating, I have to try and find/describe something I can see, smell, hear, touch, or taste. This reminds me that I am physically here right now, in the present time. When dissociating, I can often feel like I am not real, my body is not in the physical world, I'm not in the present time even. Grounding helps me to remind and reassure myself that this is not true. I am here, the past is in the past, the trauma I have been through is not happening now etc. I won't lie, it's not easy and it does take time, but most of the time this technique works.
Safe Place: This visualisation technique is used for when I am overwhelmed and panicky after talking about my trauma. A safe place is somewhere in my mind that can be anywhere; fictional or real. Personally, I like to visualise a sandy secluded beach in a warm climate. I can visualise this on my own, or my therapist can guide me to focus on certain things about it (e.g. the sight of the waves, the smell of the sea, the feel of sand between my toes etc). Performing a gesture such as clenching an object or my fist can help bring me to this place too. I clench my fist and imagine I am grasping a handful of warm, soft sand. Like grounding, this is difficult and takes time to focus on, but it can give me a short break from thinking about my trauma. This also slows down my breathing, heartbeat, racing thoughts etc.
Mindfulness: I find having a guided meditation video/audio recording, or having my therapist guide me, helps with this. I can use this when I'm feeling overwhelmed and panicky, or even when dissociating. It brings me back to the present time and helps me to focus my attention on things happening, stimulating my senses etc in the here and now. During mindfulness meditation I may be asked to focus on how my chair feels against my legs or back. I may also be asked to focus and describe the sounds in the room. If I have any thoughts about the traumatic abortion, instead of fighting them, I need to accept they are there, but try to shift my focus back to the present and remind myself that the trauma is not happening anymore.
I have been working through my PTSD booklet as well, and have got up to the part where I list feared situations, from most feared to least feared. For me, feared situations involve conversations about my abortion, someone else's abortion, using the word itself, stories about baby loss, and pregnancy scans. I may go into this in detail in the next CBT based blog post. The point of this task is to slowly expose myself to each of these situations. As you can see in this post, I am trying my best to use the word "abortion" instead of "termination", because this is the scary word for me. To me, it sounds more harsh, although I couldn't really explain why. It's not healthy to avoid using a word however (unless the word is a slur of course!) so I need to train myself to feel less scared about this.
My next session is coming up in about a week's time, and we will be focusing on the specific fears I have. This will be a difficult session, so I may need a few days to process things before I blog. In the meantime, I hope everyone's Christmas went well and the New Year brings good things.
Sunday, 10 November 2019
Trauma Focused CBT: Session Two
(TRIGGER WARNING: Descriptions of termination and discussion related to it)
My homework from session one was to go through the PTSD self help book and answer some of the questions. These involved check boxes for feelings, thoughts, behaviours etc that I could relate to. I found I'd ticked almost all of these! I didn't know I could relate to this diagnosis so much, but there you go. I'm hoping that, even if I don't necessarily get more support from this (because my local mental health team literally doesn't offer more than Trauma Focused CBT for PTSD) I will at least find it personally helpful as a way to put a name to the struggles I have.
I got up to a certain point in the booklet, but found it very hard to answer one of the questions in particular. This one asked me to describe the nightmares and flashbacks I have, in as much detail as I can manage. I gave some basic, vague answer, but found myself getting panicky, the more I thought about my termination and the nightmares and flashbacks I have about it.
In session two, my therapist went through my answers to some of the questions in the booklet. She asked me to embellish, and give examples of some of the times I have engaged in the behaviours I ticked, feelings, and thoughts I related to. A type of behaviour I engaged in was to react to pretty normal events in a tense and jumpy way. For example, when waiting for therapy, I was very anxious due to how busy the waiting area was. My therapist came to get me, and I jumped when she called my name. Another example I can think of is a bit of a silly one. Every single time the toaster goes off, I jump! It doesn't matter if I was expecting it to go off at that particular time or not. My body acts as if something scary has happened. Of course I get teased for this, but if you've ever jumped at something, you'll know how much it can shake you up, even if just for a few seconds.
We also went through some of the thoughts I had, and questions I asked myself constantly, in relation to the traumatic termination I had. I had made the decision so quickly, I still doubt whether it was something I ever wanted to do. I of course ruminate over them and weigh up pros and cons. I wish I could say for certain whether it was the "right" thing to do or not (for me I mean, I strongly believe anyone can have a termination if that is the right thing for them). If I had continued with the pregnancy and kept my child, I would've struggled but I think I would've been a good mother. I've always wanted to be a mother too, so I hope so so much that this wasn't my only chance.
I guess, because I don't think it would be the end of the world to keep my child, it makes me wonder whether I made the right decision. On the other hand, I was just learning to become an independent adult, living in my own place, having further education etc. It would've been very hard to do that whilst heavily pregnant. Halls would hardly be an ideal place for a baby either. But again, there would be things that could be done. See, I'm forever second guessing myself and not being sure of what would've been the right thing to do for me.
The termination itself was horrible. I won't go through the graphic, physical things. I feel sick and panicky even thinking about what I went through. This is something I will eventually have to go through with my therapist, but thankfully she is not rushing me. Even in session two, I was going through my thoughts about it, hypotheticals etc, and I was dissociating, struggling to speak etc.
This took up most of the session. We went through a couple of worksheets as I described various behaviours, thoughts etc. One was about the "Fight or Flight" response. The worksheet displayed a diagram of a body, with organs shown. Each part of the body was labelled and each function, to do with the fight or flight response, explained. For example, the mouth getting dryer when anxious, and the heart beating faster. These things happen due to the body's primal instincts. We are "supposed" to get anxious when faced with a dangerous situation. The mouth gets dryer because digestion is not needed at that time, and energy is diverted towards the muscles in order to get them ready to run or face the danger. The heart also beats faster in order to pump more blood to the muscles to help them work more efficiently. Other functions include shallower breathing, adrenaline being released, and muscles tensing etc. Unfortunately this can happen even when the situation isn't dangerous. When we have an anxiety disorder for example, we perceive things as dangerous even if they are not, or are very unlikely to be.
The next worksheet talked about unhelpful thinking habits. There are different types of thoughts that can be unhelpful to our mental health. These include the "mental filter". This is when we only notice certain comments, thoughts, events etc. These are usually negative ones, so we exaggerate the negatives as being absolutely awful and incessant.
Another unhelpful thinking habit could be saying/thinking we "should" or "must" do/think or not do/think something. This puts an unrealistic expectation and pressure on ourselves. A particular "should" I have is that I "should" earn my rests. As you may know, I have physical health conditions including Fibromyalgia and Hypermobility. These cause lots of pain and exhaustion. I feel like I "should" be productive every day though, no matter how ill I feel. So because of that, I "should" be productive before I am allowed to rest, otherwise I'm doing nothing but resting (in my eyes).
There are many other "unhelpful thinking habits" that I can relate to, but it would take all day to describe them, and this blog post is long enough! Onto the last topic of this session:
Lastly, we spoke briefly about having a "safe place". This is a visualisation of a nice place, where I feel safe and happy. Somewhere I can go to in my head when things are getting too intense or negative. As I am facing some traumatic things in these therapy sessions, I will need to have time to have a breather and "escape" to somewhere calm. My homework for the next session is to think of a safe place in my head; a sandy beach for example.
I am starting to think of that safe place, which I will describe in my next blog post.
My homework from session one was to go through the PTSD self help book and answer some of the questions. These involved check boxes for feelings, thoughts, behaviours etc that I could relate to. I found I'd ticked almost all of these! I didn't know I could relate to this diagnosis so much, but there you go. I'm hoping that, even if I don't necessarily get more support from this (because my local mental health team literally doesn't offer more than Trauma Focused CBT for PTSD) I will at least find it personally helpful as a way to put a name to the struggles I have.
I got up to a certain point in the booklet, but found it very hard to answer one of the questions in particular. This one asked me to describe the nightmares and flashbacks I have, in as much detail as I can manage. I gave some basic, vague answer, but found myself getting panicky, the more I thought about my termination and the nightmares and flashbacks I have about it.
In session two, my therapist went through my answers to some of the questions in the booklet. She asked me to embellish, and give examples of some of the times I have engaged in the behaviours I ticked, feelings, and thoughts I related to. A type of behaviour I engaged in was to react to pretty normal events in a tense and jumpy way. For example, when waiting for therapy, I was very anxious due to how busy the waiting area was. My therapist came to get me, and I jumped when she called my name. Another example I can think of is a bit of a silly one. Every single time the toaster goes off, I jump! It doesn't matter if I was expecting it to go off at that particular time or not. My body acts as if something scary has happened. Of course I get teased for this, but if you've ever jumped at something, you'll know how much it can shake you up, even if just for a few seconds.
We also went through some of the thoughts I had, and questions I asked myself constantly, in relation to the traumatic termination I had. I had made the decision so quickly, I still doubt whether it was something I ever wanted to do. I of course ruminate over them and weigh up pros and cons. I wish I could say for certain whether it was the "right" thing to do or not (for me I mean, I strongly believe anyone can have a termination if that is the right thing for them). If I had continued with the pregnancy and kept my child, I would've struggled but I think I would've been a good mother. I've always wanted to be a mother too, so I hope so so much that this wasn't my only chance.
I guess, because I don't think it would be the end of the world to keep my child, it makes me wonder whether I made the right decision. On the other hand, I was just learning to become an independent adult, living in my own place, having further education etc. It would've been very hard to do that whilst heavily pregnant. Halls would hardly be an ideal place for a baby either. But again, there would be things that could be done. See, I'm forever second guessing myself and not being sure of what would've been the right thing to do for me.
The termination itself was horrible. I won't go through the graphic, physical things. I feel sick and panicky even thinking about what I went through. This is something I will eventually have to go through with my therapist, but thankfully she is not rushing me. Even in session two, I was going through my thoughts about it, hypotheticals etc, and I was dissociating, struggling to speak etc.
This took up most of the session. We went through a couple of worksheets as I described various behaviours, thoughts etc. One was about the "Fight or Flight" response. The worksheet displayed a diagram of a body, with organs shown. Each part of the body was labelled and each function, to do with the fight or flight response, explained. For example, the mouth getting dryer when anxious, and the heart beating faster. These things happen due to the body's primal instincts. We are "supposed" to get anxious when faced with a dangerous situation. The mouth gets dryer because digestion is not needed at that time, and energy is diverted towards the muscles in order to get them ready to run or face the danger. The heart also beats faster in order to pump more blood to the muscles to help them work more efficiently. Other functions include shallower breathing, adrenaline being released, and muscles tensing etc. Unfortunately this can happen even when the situation isn't dangerous. When we have an anxiety disorder for example, we perceive things as dangerous even if they are not, or are very unlikely to be.
The next worksheet talked about unhelpful thinking habits. There are different types of thoughts that can be unhelpful to our mental health. These include the "mental filter". This is when we only notice certain comments, thoughts, events etc. These are usually negative ones, so we exaggerate the negatives as being absolutely awful and incessant.
Another unhelpful thinking habit could be saying/thinking we "should" or "must" do/think or not do/think something. This puts an unrealistic expectation and pressure on ourselves. A particular "should" I have is that I "should" earn my rests. As you may know, I have physical health conditions including Fibromyalgia and Hypermobility. These cause lots of pain and exhaustion. I feel like I "should" be productive every day though, no matter how ill I feel. So because of that, I "should" be productive before I am allowed to rest, otherwise I'm doing nothing but resting (in my eyes).
There are many other "unhelpful thinking habits" that I can relate to, but it would take all day to describe them, and this blog post is long enough! Onto the last topic of this session:
Lastly, we spoke briefly about having a "safe place". This is a visualisation of a nice place, where I feel safe and happy. Somewhere I can go to in my head when things are getting too intense or negative. As I am facing some traumatic things in these therapy sessions, I will need to have time to have a breather and "escape" to somewhere calm. My homework for the next session is to think of a safe place in my head; a sandy beach for example.
I am starting to think of that safe place, which I will describe in my next blog post.
Saturday, 19 October 2019
Trauma Focused CBT: Session One
(Trigger Warning: PTSD, abortion, self harm, and suicide mentions)
Last Thursday, I had my first session of Trauma Focused CBT. I was nervous and reluctant to go, leading up to this appointment. I was worried that I would be made to talk about things before I was ready. I didn't want to be in floods of tears in a public place, and I didn't want to be badly triggered either.
The therapist I saw, was the same one I saw for general CBT a while back. She is a compassionate, yet matter of fact therapist, which I find is a good balance for me. I don't like people to sugar coat things. I'd rather be told straight out if something needs to be said. Of course, I need the compassion too, especially when talking through some very difficult events.
At the start of the session, I was asked to fill in the usual PHQ etc forms (for Depression, Generalised Anxiety, Phobias etc) as well as a risk assessment for suicide/self harm. I gave similar answers to that of the questionnaires I filled in during my phone assessment. I think it will be very difficult to find a way to improve my scores on these; especially as I am on a low dose of Citalopram now and it's not doing a lot yet.
After this, my therapist asked me to give a brief description of my (main) trauma. This was about my termination 10 years ago. I told her some things, but she realised when I was getting distressed, and didn't push for me to carry on.
She then explained the difference between general CBT and Trauma Focused CBT. That is, that with general CBT, cognitions (thoughts) are challenged. This does not happen with trauma focused. Thoughts themselves are not challenged, but different perceptions are considered. So, in a way, ideas around the traumatic event are broadened, and other perspectives are allowed in.
My therapist then showed me the theory of CBT by drawing on a piece of paper. She wrote "Thoughts" "Emotions" "Behaviours" and "Physical Symptoms" round in a circle shape, with arrows to show how one leads to the other. We went through the main thoughts I had around my termination (she also asked me why I preferred to use the word "termination" rather than "abortion". I told her that "termination" seemed like a softer, more distant term, even though I knew they meant the same thing. She said one aim she wanted me to work towards was to be able to say "abortion" comfortably).
The thoughts, or themes, I felt around my termination were "guilt" "regret" and "loneliness". The emotions I had were low mood, and feeling like this was my only chance to have children (I can't remember what else I wrote). The behaviours included avoiding conversations, and becoming triggered when exposed to conversations, television storylines etc based around termination. She asked me what happens when I am triggered. I told her it was one of two things really. I could become inconsolable; in floods of tears, and panicky, as if I couldn't cope with life. On the other hand, I could dissociate.
She wanted me to explain what happened when I dissociate. I said I felt spaced out, as if I was having an out of body experience. I may go very quiet, and will freeze, as if I can't do anything. I will also stare at walls. It could take hours before I can ground myself. The ways I ground myself include grabbing something near me (a pen, for example) in order to remind myself that I am in my body and I do exist. I could also focus on what I can see, smell, or taste. So it's all based on focusing on what stimulates my senses. It's not easy, but it works eventually.
As for "physical symptoms" I explained that I found it very hard to separate the ones I had due to my mental health problems, and the ones I had due to my physical conditions (i.e. Fibromyalgia and Hypermobility Syndrome/Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome). After thinking about it for a while, I found that I felt exhausted, achier, tensed up (especially from clenching my jaw throughout the day) and dizzier.
She also said that we would go through my trauma in little chunks, at my own pace. Sometimes I might want to talk about it all at once, sometimes I might only manage some brief detail. She explained also that some of the topics we will go through include grounding skills, and establishing a "safe place". She asked me if I'd come across the term "safe place" before, and if I knew what it was. I said I'd used the term before and I suppose my safe place would be my home.
My therapist explained that it was a vision/memory of a place that makes me feel calm and safe (a sandy beach for example). I would use this safe place to escape to, in my mind. I would think about what I could see, smell, hear, feel etc and I may do a gesture (such as clenching my fist) to bring me to that place in my mind. I suppose clenching my fist could indicate wanting to hold some sand in my hand, and feel the soft grains running through my fingers.
We talked through what my aims were for therapy. I said that I felt I hadn't processed my trauma properly, and I needed guidance in order to do this. I would also like to be able to talk through my trauma with more balanced emotions. I wanted to not be so triggered, and I would like to ground myself more easily if I dissociate.
Finally, we did a screening questionnaire. These were 22 questions that my therapist would read out to me, and I would answer "not at all", "a bit", "moderately", "quite a bit" and "extremely" depending on how severely I related to the statement. I found that my answers were mainly "quite a bit" and "extremely". To meet the criteria for PTSD, I had to get a score of about 33. It turned out that my score was 65, so showed that I had very significant PTSD. So there's another diagnosis to add to the list!
Although I wish I didn't have so many diagnoses, I am glad that my problems are validated and I have a name to put to them. For about a year, I suspected I had PTSD, but I wasn't sure if I quite fit the criteria. At least now I know that I do, and I hope that Trauma Focused CBT will at least lessen some of my struggles.
After my appointment, I felt very overwhelmed and in my own head. I'm only just starting to come out of this, but I still feel rather overwhelmed. Things from my past are coming to the forefront now, and I'm finding them very hard to face. I know that I need to face these things if I ever want to move on though.
Resources
Treatments for PTSD: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/treatments-for-ptsd/#.Xarjl-hKiM8
PHQ-9 Depression Test Questionnaire: https://patient.info/doctor/patient-health-questionnaire-phq-9
Dissociation and dissociative disorders: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/#.XarkROhKiM8
Grounding exercises: https://www.livingwell.org.au/well-being/mental-health/grounding-exercises/
Finding a Safe Place is Important for PTSD Recovery: https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2015/11/finding-a-safe-place-is-important-for-ptsd-recovery
Online PTSD questionnaire: https://www.dynamicyou.org/mental-health-questionnaires/online-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-questionnaire/
Last Thursday, I had my first session of Trauma Focused CBT. I was nervous and reluctant to go, leading up to this appointment. I was worried that I would be made to talk about things before I was ready. I didn't want to be in floods of tears in a public place, and I didn't want to be badly triggered either.
The therapist I saw, was the same one I saw for general CBT a while back. She is a compassionate, yet matter of fact therapist, which I find is a good balance for me. I don't like people to sugar coat things. I'd rather be told straight out if something needs to be said. Of course, I need the compassion too, especially when talking through some very difficult events.
At the start of the session, I was asked to fill in the usual PHQ etc forms (for Depression, Generalised Anxiety, Phobias etc) as well as a risk assessment for suicide/self harm. I gave similar answers to that of the questionnaires I filled in during my phone assessment. I think it will be very difficult to find a way to improve my scores on these; especially as I am on a low dose of Citalopram now and it's not doing a lot yet.
After this, my therapist asked me to give a brief description of my (main) trauma. This was about my termination 10 years ago. I told her some things, but she realised when I was getting distressed, and didn't push for me to carry on.
She then explained the difference between general CBT and Trauma Focused CBT. That is, that with general CBT, cognitions (thoughts) are challenged. This does not happen with trauma focused. Thoughts themselves are not challenged, but different perceptions are considered. So, in a way, ideas around the traumatic event are broadened, and other perspectives are allowed in.
My therapist then showed me the theory of CBT by drawing on a piece of paper. She wrote "Thoughts" "Emotions" "Behaviours" and "Physical Symptoms" round in a circle shape, with arrows to show how one leads to the other. We went through the main thoughts I had around my termination (she also asked me why I preferred to use the word "termination" rather than "abortion". I told her that "termination" seemed like a softer, more distant term, even though I knew they meant the same thing. She said one aim she wanted me to work towards was to be able to say "abortion" comfortably).
The thoughts, or themes, I felt around my termination were "guilt" "regret" and "loneliness". The emotions I had were low mood, and feeling like this was my only chance to have children (I can't remember what else I wrote). The behaviours included avoiding conversations, and becoming triggered when exposed to conversations, television storylines etc based around termination. She asked me what happens when I am triggered. I told her it was one of two things really. I could become inconsolable; in floods of tears, and panicky, as if I couldn't cope with life. On the other hand, I could dissociate.
She wanted me to explain what happened when I dissociate. I said I felt spaced out, as if I was having an out of body experience. I may go very quiet, and will freeze, as if I can't do anything. I will also stare at walls. It could take hours before I can ground myself. The ways I ground myself include grabbing something near me (a pen, for example) in order to remind myself that I am in my body and I do exist. I could also focus on what I can see, smell, or taste. So it's all based on focusing on what stimulates my senses. It's not easy, but it works eventually.
As for "physical symptoms" I explained that I found it very hard to separate the ones I had due to my mental health problems, and the ones I had due to my physical conditions (i.e. Fibromyalgia and Hypermobility Syndrome/Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome). After thinking about it for a while, I found that I felt exhausted, achier, tensed up (especially from clenching my jaw throughout the day) and dizzier.
She also said that we would go through my trauma in little chunks, at my own pace. Sometimes I might want to talk about it all at once, sometimes I might only manage some brief detail. She explained also that some of the topics we will go through include grounding skills, and establishing a "safe place". She asked me if I'd come across the term "safe place" before, and if I knew what it was. I said I'd used the term before and I suppose my safe place would be my home.
My therapist explained that it was a vision/memory of a place that makes me feel calm and safe (a sandy beach for example). I would use this safe place to escape to, in my mind. I would think about what I could see, smell, hear, feel etc and I may do a gesture (such as clenching my fist) to bring me to that place in my mind. I suppose clenching my fist could indicate wanting to hold some sand in my hand, and feel the soft grains running through my fingers.
We talked through what my aims were for therapy. I said that I felt I hadn't processed my trauma properly, and I needed guidance in order to do this. I would also like to be able to talk through my trauma with more balanced emotions. I wanted to not be so triggered, and I would like to ground myself more easily if I dissociate.
Finally, we did a screening questionnaire. These were 22 questions that my therapist would read out to me, and I would answer "not at all", "a bit", "moderately", "quite a bit" and "extremely" depending on how severely I related to the statement. I found that my answers were mainly "quite a bit" and "extremely". To meet the criteria for PTSD, I had to get a score of about 33. It turned out that my score was 65, so showed that I had very significant PTSD. So there's another diagnosis to add to the list!
Although I wish I didn't have so many diagnoses, I am glad that my problems are validated and I have a name to put to them. For about a year, I suspected I had PTSD, but I wasn't sure if I quite fit the criteria. At least now I know that I do, and I hope that Trauma Focused CBT will at least lessen some of my struggles.
After my appointment, I felt very overwhelmed and in my own head. I'm only just starting to come out of this, but I still feel rather overwhelmed. Things from my past are coming to the forefront now, and I'm finding them very hard to face. I know that I need to face these things if I ever want to move on though.
Resources
Treatments for PTSD: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/treatments-for-ptsd/#.Xarjl-hKiM8
PHQ-9 Depression Test Questionnaire: https://patient.info/doctor/patient-health-questionnaire-phq-9
Dissociation and dissociative disorders: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/#.XarkROhKiM8
Grounding exercises: https://www.livingwell.org.au/well-being/mental-health/grounding-exercises/
Finding a Safe Place is Important for PTSD Recovery: https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2015/11/finding-a-safe-place-is-important-for-ptsd-recovery
Online PTSD questionnaire: https://www.dynamicyou.org/mental-health-questionnaires/online-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-questionnaire/
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