(TW: Meds, mention of Abortion, Overdose, Suicide, and Self Harm. Weight/Diet talk)
After being discharged from CMHT, I've been struggling a lot with my mental health, and not knowing where to turn. A meds review with my GP resulted in a small prescription of Diazepam (so far, I've only had to take 5mg) and, knowing I have this to keep me safe, has prevented me from taking overdoses in order to knock myself out.
On one of my "good" days, I made a decision to put myself first and do everything I can to look after my mental health. I simply cannot afford to abandon my mental health and end up in crisis without support. I'd been putting off contacting Women's Aid (re: abusive relationship) and Cruse Bereavement (re: traumatic abortion) and I needed to decide who I'd contact first and when.
As it had been on my mind recently, and I was getting more and more triggered by any mention or conversation about abortion, I decided to contact Cruse Bereavement first. I tried the national number, then the number for my local area, but couldn't get through. I found some email addresses though, so sent a long email to each of the ones that seemed most relevant to my enquiries.
After a couple of days, one of the email accounts messaged me back. They were sympathetic to my situation and felt an abortion clinic that offers counselling would be most appropriate. This was Marie Stopes. I contacted Marie Stopes and received an email back. Again, they were sympathetic to my situation, and wanted to help, but it would cost. I simply cannot afford to pay for counselling, so I had to decline. I decided to see if there were any other abortion charities in/near my area, but everything I found expected you to pay at least £30 for an hour's counselling. I can't afford to pay that much on a weekly basis. It felt like every time I tried to access help, a door was slammed in my face.
Eventually, I ran out of options apart from one; Primary Care. I didn't want to go through CBT again but I figured any therapy is better than none. I left a message on their voicemail to call me back and the next day, they'd called me back, taken my details, and arranged a telephone appointment for Thursday to see what they could offer me (if anything). I had my telephone appointment on the Thursday and was faced with many many questions (not just about the abortion). After going through the PHQ (questionnaire for Depression), the GAD (for Generalised Anxiety), specific phobias, and daily functioning questionnaires, they asked about my main problems now. They also asked about my lifestyle, traumas in the past, symptoms of PTSD, OCD etc.
Finally, the therapist asked what my reasons were for getting therapy from them, whether I was ready and committed, and why I wanted to tackle these main problems at this point in time specifically. I couldn't give a very detailed answer to this, it's just that I feel that I am so fed up of the way I'm feeling and how much it holds me back. I also feel that I am ready right now and I want to see how I go. I need to face my past and at least try to move on. For that, I need support.
The therapist said she would speak to her supervisor, then get back to me. Later on that day, I received a call from her, with good news. I was accepted and would be put on an 8-10 week waiting list. The wait is a little while, but at least I'm going to get help!
In other news:
I chased up my Cardiology appointment, and after sorting out a problem because my GP hadn't attached the referral letter to the right system, my referral was finally sent. A couple of days later, I received an appointment to see a Cardiologist in April!
So, at the moment I am under an ENT specialist for dizziness (vestibular tests/follow up in April), a Cardiologist for fainting/nearly fainting, and will be seeing a therapist for mental health. I'm really hoping I'll get some answers and maybe even treatment! If something can improve, I will be so pleased!
Family:
My nan is still in hospital, for her broken right femur. She has had an operation to plate and pin her femur into place and is recovering from this. It seems her impacted bowel is still causing her some problems, but she won't discuss this with hospital staff. She also won't tell them about the dizziness she gets when she bends over. Her borderline Dementia is getting much worse, and of course the effects of the anaesthetic are making her confusion worse. She's been having some strange ideas about the hospital, and her money. From what I can gather, she believed that the hospital was being used as a film set, and the other patients were actors. She also believed (and still believes) that her money will disappear, the longer she is in hospital.
When Dad and I last visited her (yesterday), a social care worker came to see her, and was under the impression (due to lack of communication from other staff) that Nan would be discharged either that day or tomorrow. Dad and I had to take the social care worker aside, and explain everything. Because of this, and the fact we'd mentioned the Dementia, she decided to rearrange the appointment. She had also not been told that Nan was eventually going to be transferred to a different hospital, for rehabilitation. It was a good job we were there to explain everything! Nan does just want to go home, and has apparently had her mental capacity assessed (she had passed because it was done on a "good" day) so if she decides she wants to be discharged, she probably will be.
It's a very difficult situation because all the family want what's best for Nan, and we want to keep her safe and comfortable. We want her to have a say in her care as well. Unfortunately, she just wants to go back to struggling along with minimal help, even though she is now at significant risk of further falls, and her Dementia is getting worse. What she really needs, and hospital staff have agreed, is 24 hour care. Nan had managed to convince the social care worker that this is exactly what she will get, but this is not the case at all. She gets a visit in the morning, for washing, putting creams on etc but she will struggle to make very simple meals for herself. The rest of the time, she will stay in her chair, on her own in her flat, and she will even sleep in her chair. She is at a stage where we are considering nursing care. We thought she had at least accepted this, but she doesn't want anything to change. She even said "I don't want anything different, I want it the same".
This is stressing me out a lot and I am letting everything get on top of me. My parents are being wonderful though, and encourage me to take the pressure off myself. For this reason, I have decided to have a break from Slimming World. I had developed an unhealthy mindset about eating and compensating for "bad" days. As well as seeking counselling for certain parts of my mental health problems, I also want to learn more about body positivity. If I can come to a point where I feel better about myself, I can then decide whether to continue with weight loss, or if I just want to maintain my weight. Either way, I will try to keep to a mostly healthy diet, with the odd treat.
So overall, I am working on putting myself first (most of the time) and looking after myself. I need to quieten the thoughts that tell me I'm useless and unimportant. I will blog about my ENT follow up/Vestibular tests, as well as my Cardiology appointment/s and Counselling appointments. For now, I think I'll leave this blog post as it is, and hope that you are all as well as possible!
Saturday, 9 February 2019
Wednesday, 30 January 2019
Stress Stress Stress
So much has happened recently and it's got my mind in overdrive.
Firstly, mum had a fall and couldn't stand up for hours. Doctor at A&E was useless, but luckily after a stop overnight, she gained enough strength back in her legs to stand and walk a few steps, with help. She is still very wobbly and one of us needs to be in the house with her most of the time, as she is at risk of falling again.
Secondly, I received an ESA limited capability for work questionnaire. I am to be reassessed. It came as a shock, because I thought those with long term conditions would be exempt from these. It seems not, and I'm hearing of quite a few friends in the same situation.
Thirdly, nan had an impacted bowel, and was suffering severe lower stomach pains and nausea. She was taken to hospital by ambulance and received some treatment before being released at 3am.
Fourthly, nan was taken to hospital the next night, following a fall which resulted in a large complex fracture of her right femur. She has since had to have an operation and is recovering.
On top of this, I'm due to have a smear test, I need to book a dental appointment (about 6 months after a reminder letter, oops!) I need to chase up my Cardiology referral, and I need to ring the bereavement charity and/or Women's aid about the abusive relationship I was in.
It feels as if there is so much to think about or deal with, that all I want to do is run away and hide! I have no choice though, I have to get these things done at some point, and I can't get away from the other things I need to consider.
Needless to say, I am EXHAUSTED. Mentally, physically, emotionally, you name it. My Fibromyalgia has been playing up too, as well as the intrusive thoughts and routines with my OCD. I feel on the edge of breaking down, if I'm totally honest.
I was walking down the corridor in the hospital with Dad earlier, after seeing Nan. I was trying to keep up with Dad (he wasn't being fast, it was me being slow) and I got very breathless, my heart was pounding, I was dizzy and felt as if I was going to faint. Going to the toilet only gave me a few minutes break before I had to carry on walking. I've somehow found energy to write this post, but only just.
It seems to be a difficult year for many people, especially those with chronic illnesses (physical and mental). I think all we can do is try to break down the things we need to consider, and prioritise which need doing first. It is so important to look after yourself and be kind to yourself, and I guess this is something I feel I need to do as soon as possible.
Firstly, mum had a fall and couldn't stand up for hours. Doctor at A&E was useless, but luckily after a stop overnight, she gained enough strength back in her legs to stand and walk a few steps, with help. She is still very wobbly and one of us needs to be in the house with her most of the time, as she is at risk of falling again.
Secondly, I received an ESA limited capability for work questionnaire. I am to be reassessed. It came as a shock, because I thought those with long term conditions would be exempt from these. It seems not, and I'm hearing of quite a few friends in the same situation.
Thirdly, nan had an impacted bowel, and was suffering severe lower stomach pains and nausea. She was taken to hospital by ambulance and received some treatment before being released at 3am.
Fourthly, nan was taken to hospital the next night, following a fall which resulted in a large complex fracture of her right femur. She has since had to have an operation and is recovering.
On top of this, I'm due to have a smear test, I need to book a dental appointment (about 6 months after a reminder letter, oops!) I need to chase up my Cardiology referral, and I need to ring the bereavement charity and/or Women's aid about the abusive relationship I was in.
It feels as if there is so much to think about or deal with, that all I want to do is run away and hide! I have no choice though, I have to get these things done at some point, and I can't get away from the other things I need to consider.
Needless to say, I am EXHAUSTED. Mentally, physically, emotionally, you name it. My Fibromyalgia has been playing up too, as well as the intrusive thoughts and routines with my OCD. I feel on the edge of breaking down, if I'm totally honest.
I was walking down the corridor in the hospital with Dad earlier, after seeing Nan. I was trying to keep up with Dad (he wasn't being fast, it was me being slow) and I got very breathless, my heart was pounding, I was dizzy and felt as if I was going to faint. Going to the toilet only gave me a few minutes break before I had to carry on walking. I've somehow found energy to write this post, but only just.
It seems to be a difficult year for many people, especially those with chronic illnesses (physical and mental). I think all we can do is try to break down the things we need to consider, and prioritise which need doing first. It is so important to look after yourself and be kind to yourself, and I guess this is something I feel I need to do as soon as possible.
Tuesday, 15 January 2019
A Blackout, A Fall, GP ENT Follow Up and a Gold Star for Amy!
I've had some eventful times recently, with my health!
Firstly, I had a sort of Blackout about a week ago. My dizziness and faintness have been quite bad and about a week ago I was standing by my bookcase, fussing Billie, and suddenly had a very temporary loss of consciousness. I caught myself in time before I fell, but I have been feeling very weird since.
I've been a lot clumsier since this "blackout"; knocking drinks over, bumping into things/people, and tripping up a lot. This came to a head when I had a bad fall 3 days ago. I was sitting on my armchair, and had to get up for something. I was wearing my pyjamas at the time. I rose from the chair and stepped forward, only to get my right foot caught in my left pyjama bottom leg. I fell forward, turning my left foot right over and spraining it, then fell into the bookcase and back against the wooden part of the armchair. My back is scratched and bruised, my foot/ankle are bruised, and my ankle is sprained. I don't do things in halves!
I decided to document these things, as I had a GP appointment yesterday; to discuss my first ENT appointment. This was with a GP I hadn't seen before, so I was quite nervous, though keen to let her know what had happened.
Unfortunately, the surgery was very busy when I arrived, and I think this was why the GP acted the way she did. She rushed me and, I felt, was dismissive of my symptoms. She quickly went through the ENT letter; where it mentioned the dizziness and faintness and the fact that they wanted me to change from Stemetil (Prochlorperazine) to Cyclizine (both anti-sickness medication), because they felt the Stemetil was making my dizziness worse.
I took my chance to tell her about the blackout. She felt it wasn't a proper one as I hadn't actually collapsed to the floor and she wanted to know if I had fainted recently. I said not recently, but I had fainted once, five years ago. I wasn't sure if it was related, but I thought I'd mention it just in case.
I also mentioned the fall, and showed her my foot. She didn't seem that bothered about it but she did examine it (slightly) and told me it was probably a sprain, but as it wasn't swollen, she wasn't concerned.
She next said to me (I'm paraphrasing here) "Well your blood tests and ECG were normal. Do you think the dizziness and faintness are stress related?"
This was quite an annoying thing for her to say. I know certain symptoms can be stress related, but I know that mine aren't. I have had stressors recently, but they haven't coincided with the dizziness and faintness. I experienced them months before anything particularly stressful happened.
She wasn't going to refer me to the Cardiologist either, but I stood my ground and said that the other GP was going to refer me so I would prefer this. Thankfully, she listened to me, and made the referral. She typed a lot, and I think mentioned the fainting five years ago, the almost-blackout, and the fall, in the referral request.
Lastly, she handed me my Cyclizine prescription, and said that the Cardiology appointment would get in touch with me.
Overall, the appointment wasn't a bad one, because I got what I needed (primarily, the referral). I do wish she'd rushed me less and not been dismissive though. Maybe it was a bad day for her, I won't take it personally.
I awarded myself an invisible Gold Star for holding my ground and asking for what I needed though. Past me would not have had the courage.
Firstly, I had a sort of Blackout about a week ago. My dizziness and faintness have been quite bad and about a week ago I was standing by my bookcase, fussing Billie, and suddenly had a very temporary loss of consciousness. I caught myself in time before I fell, but I have been feeling very weird since.
I've been a lot clumsier since this "blackout"; knocking drinks over, bumping into things/people, and tripping up a lot. This came to a head when I had a bad fall 3 days ago. I was sitting on my armchair, and had to get up for something. I was wearing my pyjamas at the time. I rose from the chair and stepped forward, only to get my right foot caught in my left pyjama bottom leg. I fell forward, turning my left foot right over and spraining it, then fell into the bookcase and back against the wooden part of the armchair. My back is scratched and bruised, my foot/ankle are bruised, and my ankle is sprained. I don't do things in halves!
I decided to document these things, as I had a GP appointment yesterday; to discuss my first ENT appointment. This was with a GP I hadn't seen before, so I was quite nervous, though keen to let her know what had happened.
Unfortunately, the surgery was very busy when I arrived, and I think this was why the GP acted the way she did. She rushed me and, I felt, was dismissive of my symptoms. She quickly went through the ENT letter; where it mentioned the dizziness and faintness and the fact that they wanted me to change from Stemetil (Prochlorperazine) to Cyclizine (both anti-sickness medication), because they felt the Stemetil was making my dizziness worse.
I took my chance to tell her about the blackout. She felt it wasn't a proper one as I hadn't actually collapsed to the floor and she wanted to know if I had fainted recently. I said not recently, but I had fainted once, five years ago. I wasn't sure if it was related, but I thought I'd mention it just in case.
I also mentioned the fall, and showed her my foot. She didn't seem that bothered about it but she did examine it (slightly) and told me it was probably a sprain, but as it wasn't swollen, she wasn't concerned.
She next said to me (I'm paraphrasing here) "Well your blood tests and ECG were normal. Do you think the dizziness and faintness are stress related?"
This was quite an annoying thing for her to say. I know certain symptoms can be stress related, but I know that mine aren't. I have had stressors recently, but they haven't coincided with the dizziness and faintness. I experienced them months before anything particularly stressful happened.
She wasn't going to refer me to the Cardiologist either, but I stood my ground and said that the other GP was going to refer me so I would prefer this. Thankfully, she listened to me, and made the referral. She typed a lot, and I think mentioned the fainting five years ago, the almost-blackout, and the fall, in the referral request.
Lastly, she handed me my Cyclizine prescription, and said that the Cardiology appointment would get in touch with me.
Overall, the appointment wasn't a bad one, because I got what I needed (primarily, the referral). I do wish she'd rushed me less and not been dismissive though. Maybe it was a bad day for her, I won't take it personally.
I awarded myself an invisible Gold Star for holding my ground and asking for what I needed though. Past me would not have had the courage.
Monday, 31 December 2018
Self Care, Distractions, and a Difficult Time of Year
(TW: Mentions of self harm, overdose, and hallucinations)
If you read my last post, you'll know that I've been through a very difficult time recently. I have struggled with Depression, distressing thoughts, panic, self harm, overdose, and hallucinations. Crisis team were lovely every time I phoned them, and I had to have two calls with them after the Community Mental Health team were unable to give me any help. CMHT just gave me advice to see my GP for a meds review, and to ring the charity numbers they had given me for bereavement and domestic violence.
I left that appointment feeling very disheartened and lost. I felt abandoned by the mental health team, and I felt there was no point in ever ringing them again. I had reached my limit for mental health care with that team, I would have to look elsewhere. I don't blame the team. They did what they could, with the very little resources the government has left them.
I rang my GP and had an urgent appointment that same day. I started to cry and panic as I explained everything, but luckily my GP was very supportive, compassionate, and a good listener. I was told to increase my dose of Pregabalin, as this can apparently help with anxiety and depression. I was also (reluctantly, but I gave good reason to ask for this) given a small prescription for Diazepam, to take on my most distressing days.
Another thing that triggered the most recent mood swings and distress was a dreaded white envelope through the post. I was to be reassessed for ESA. I thought reassessments had stopped for people with long term conditions, but maybe they have now changed those rules? I filled in what I could; using online guides and previous scans of my last ESA form. I also rang my GP today and asked for a supporting letter. She did not say what she would write on it, but she did mention something about referral letters and my notes. Hopefully this means she will attach extra evidence. Anything to back up my claims about my health is useful.
If you are to be assessed/reassessed for ESA, and have received a capability for work form, I highly recommend visiting the website Benefits and Work. This website gives a large amount of information and complete guides for filling in various benefits forms, attending assessments, appealing, and attending tribunals. I also recommend becoming a member (just £19.95 for a year) as this gives you access to much more specific information.
Today, I am struggling to fill in my form, despite the information I have to help me. Forms like this, ask you to talk about such personal information about physical and mental health that it can be quite daunting and distressing. I am focusing on all the negatives, the struggles, the pain, the mental distress etc and it is no wonder that I'm feeling all of these negatives intensely. I have been dissociating ever since I started filling in the form today.
As well as dwelling on this, I have been scrolling Facebook and feeling jealous of all the achievements my friends have completed. Whether it be a career change, travelling the world, a wedding, an engagement, an anniversary, or a birth, the world seems to be turning very quickly, and I feel as if I've been standing still. It is really hard to focus on my own achievements when, in comparison, they seem so minute. I wrote a status about this, which I will post below:
I'm trying not to compare myself to other friends who have achieved so much this year. By now, I would've loved to have got my Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, be working in mental health, be married maybe with a child on the way. Instead, my illnesses persisted, and I guess the biggest thing I've achieved this year is surviving it. Shout out to everyone else with that same achievement and rest in peace to those who did not survive this year
If you feel that you have not achieved much/anything this year, I assure you, you have. You survived this year. You got through the days, somehow. And I am so glad you got through it. You deserve to have a happy life; achieving things (no matter how small) at your own pace. You matter, you are valid, and you deserve to be happy with life regardless of what you can or cannot do. You do not need to be productive to be a human being deserving of love and respect.
I will be having a quiet New Year's Eve tonight. I will have a prosecco or two with my parents, and I will be continuing doing lots of self care to get me through.
Whatever you do, I hope your New Year's Eve is as lovely as possible, and I hope next year will be a much better year for you. Goodbye/Good Riddance to 2018, and please, 2019, be a good one!
xxx
If you read my last post, you'll know that I've been through a very difficult time recently. I have struggled with Depression, distressing thoughts, panic, self harm, overdose, and hallucinations. Crisis team were lovely every time I phoned them, and I had to have two calls with them after the Community Mental Health team were unable to give me any help. CMHT just gave me advice to see my GP for a meds review, and to ring the charity numbers they had given me for bereavement and domestic violence.
I left that appointment feeling very disheartened and lost. I felt abandoned by the mental health team, and I felt there was no point in ever ringing them again. I had reached my limit for mental health care with that team, I would have to look elsewhere. I don't blame the team. They did what they could, with the very little resources the government has left them.
I rang my GP and had an urgent appointment that same day. I started to cry and panic as I explained everything, but luckily my GP was very supportive, compassionate, and a good listener. I was told to increase my dose of Pregabalin, as this can apparently help with anxiety and depression. I was also (reluctantly, but I gave good reason to ask for this) given a small prescription for Diazepam, to take on my most distressing days.
Another thing that triggered the most recent mood swings and distress was a dreaded white envelope through the post. I was to be reassessed for ESA. I thought reassessments had stopped for people with long term conditions, but maybe they have now changed those rules? I filled in what I could; using online guides and previous scans of my last ESA form. I also rang my GP today and asked for a supporting letter. She did not say what she would write on it, but she did mention something about referral letters and my notes. Hopefully this means she will attach extra evidence. Anything to back up my claims about my health is useful.
If you are to be assessed/reassessed for ESA, and have received a capability for work form, I highly recommend visiting the website Benefits and Work. This website gives a large amount of information and complete guides for filling in various benefits forms, attending assessments, appealing, and attending tribunals. I also recommend becoming a member (just £19.95 for a year) as this gives you access to much more specific information.
Today, I am struggling to fill in my form, despite the information I have to help me. Forms like this, ask you to talk about such personal information about physical and mental health that it can be quite daunting and distressing. I am focusing on all the negatives, the struggles, the pain, the mental distress etc and it is no wonder that I'm feeling all of these negatives intensely. I have been dissociating ever since I started filling in the form today.
As well as dwelling on this, I have been scrolling Facebook and feeling jealous of all the achievements my friends have completed. Whether it be a career change, travelling the world, a wedding, an engagement, an anniversary, or a birth, the world seems to be turning very quickly, and I feel as if I've been standing still. It is really hard to focus on my own achievements when, in comparison, they seem so minute. I wrote a status about this, which I will post below:
I'm trying not to compare myself to other friends who have achieved so much this year. By now, I would've loved to have got my Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, be working in mental health, be married maybe with a child on the way. Instead, my illnesses persisted, and I guess the biggest thing I've achieved this year is surviving it. Shout out to everyone else with that same achievement and rest in peace to those who did not survive this year
If you feel that you have not achieved much/anything this year, I assure you, you have. You survived this year. You got through the days, somehow. And I am so glad you got through it. You deserve to have a happy life; achieving things (no matter how small) at your own pace. You matter, you are valid, and you deserve to be happy with life regardless of what you can or cannot do. You do not need to be productive to be a human being deserving of love and respect.
I will be having a quiet New Year's Eve tonight. I will have a prosecco or two with my parents, and I will be continuing doing lots of self care to get me through.
Whatever you do, I hope your New Year's Eve is as lovely as possible, and I hope next year will be a much better year for you. Goodbye/Good Riddance to 2018, and please, 2019, be a good one!
xxx
Monday, 24 December 2018
Mental Health Team? What Mental Health Team?
(TW: Self harm, Suicide, Hallucinations, bad mental health service experiences)
I have had a truly awful day today.
Recently, my mental health has relapsed and I've been severely depressed, distressed, even suicidal (it's been a while since I was last suicidal). I have had intense suicidal and self harm thoughts, as well as paranoia about various people and organisations *coughDWPcough*. I have self harmed regularly, had urges to overdose on all my medication, and I took a small overdose the other day.
As well as this, I have had an hallucination. I was in bed (awake, not dreaming) and I saw a large black and red beetle climbing up my bedroom wall, then disappearing into the ceiling. I have had similar hallucinations in the past; very rarely however. Sometimes I have believed they were real, other times I have known they couldn't possibly be real.
I called my local crisis team about three times, bursting into tears down the phone and letting everything out. They knew everything, and had passed the information on to the Community Mental Health Team.
I went to my appointment today, partly feeling it was pointless, partly convincing myself that they will help and hopefully I will get more therapy and a medication review.
Unfortunately, I have received neither.
I explained everything again for them, filled in the paperwork (PHQ, wellbeing etc) which showed that I was severely depressed and not coping well at all. I answered their questions about trauma, triggers, home life etc. The CPN then said that I'd been there a couple of times before with similar issues and had received help both times. She suggested I call Women's Aid (for the abusive relationship I'd been in) and Cruse Bereavement (for the traumatic abortion 10 years ago) and asked if I'd considered Primary Care. I said that they believed I was too complex for them, but I would try.
Other than that, she reiterated that I needed to rely on my own resources, and be more proactive about using the skills I've learnt from therapy. I said I'd tried and struggled to do this, and felt that I needed more support.
Unfortunately, she told me that she could not offer any more support, because a while back the government cut back the mental health team's services and resources quite substantially, and there simply wasn't anymore help available for me. I burst into tears after realising they simply couldn't help. I felt as if I was on my own and that this mental health team barely existed at all. It was in ruins. The CPN even described it as a service that just puts a sticking plaster on service users, before sending them off again and possibly signposting them to other places, charities etc.
I knew resources were tight, but the realisation that there were barely any resources at all was upsetting, frightening even. I feel scared for people in a worse position than me.
We are fighting that voice in our head; telling us we are Bad and do not deserve help. We fight the urges to kill ourselves. We have that little bit of hope that there will be some help there if we ask for it. People keep telling us to reach out anyway. We reach out. We pick up the phone. We are given a face to face assessment and suggestions to distract ourselves, have a cup of tea, have a bath, anything to get us through the days until our appointment.
Appointment day finally comes. It takes all of our strength to tell the CPN everything, we let go as much as we can. We let ourselves be vulnerable in front of this person and at the conclusion of the assessment, there is no help from this team. Sure, we are signposted to other places but the main place that should be there to provide us with something with a chance of helping us cope, improve even, simply does not exist anymore. We are sent on our way with the promise of a letter through the post. We are discharged back to a GP who may not know much about mental health, so cannot help much.
This is the reality. I am not the only one. Something NEEDS to change.
I have had a truly awful day today.
Recently, my mental health has relapsed and I've been severely depressed, distressed, even suicidal (it's been a while since I was last suicidal). I have had intense suicidal and self harm thoughts, as well as paranoia about various people and organisations *coughDWPcough*. I have self harmed regularly, had urges to overdose on all my medication, and I took a small overdose the other day.
As well as this, I have had an hallucination. I was in bed (awake, not dreaming) and I saw a large black and red beetle climbing up my bedroom wall, then disappearing into the ceiling. I have had similar hallucinations in the past; very rarely however. Sometimes I have believed they were real, other times I have known they couldn't possibly be real.
I called my local crisis team about three times, bursting into tears down the phone and letting everything out. They knew everything, and had passed the information on to the Community Mental Health Team.
I went to my appointment today, partly feeling it was pointless, partly convincing myself that they will help and hopefully I will get more therapy and a medication review.
Unfortunately, I have received neither.
I explained everything again for them, filled in the paperwork (PHQ, wellbeing etc) which showed that I was severely depressed and not coping well at all. I answered their questions about trauma, triggers, home life etc. The CPN then said that I'd been there a couple of times before with similar issues and had received help both times. She suggested I call Women's Aid (for the abusive relationship I'd been in) and Cruse Bereavement (for the traumatic abortion 10 years ago) and asked if I'd considered Primary Care. I said that they believed I was too complex for them, but I would try.
Other than that, she reiterated that I needed to rely on my own resources, and be more proactive about using the skills I've learnt from therapy. I said I'd tried and struggled to do this, and felt that I needed more support.
Unfortunately, she told me that she could not offer any more support, because a while back the government cut back the mental health team's services and resources quite substantially, and there simply wasn't anymore help available for me. I burst into tears after realising they simply couldn't help. I felt as if I was on my own and that this mental health team barely existed at all. It was in ruins. The CPN even described it as a service that just puts a sticking plaster on service users, before sending them off again and possibly signposting them to other places, charities etc.
I knew resources were tight, but the realisation that there were barely any resources at all was upsetting, frightening even. I feel scared for people in a worse position than me.
We are fighting that voice in our head; telling us we are Bad and do not deserve help. We fight the urges to kill ourselves. We have that little bit of hope that there will be some help there if we ask for it. People keep telling us to reach out anyway. We reach out. We pick up the phone. We are given a face to face assessment and suggestions to distract ourselves, have a cup of tea, have a bath, anything to get us through the days until our appointment.
Appointment day finally comes. It takes all of our strength to tell the CPN everything, we let go as much as we can. We let ourselves be vulnerable in front of this person and at the conclusion of the assessment, there is no help from this team. Sure, we are signposted to other places but the main place that should be there to provide us with something with a chance of helping us cope, improve even, simply does not exist anymore. We are sent on our way with the promise of a letter through the post. We are discharged back to a GP who may not know much about mental health, so cannot help much.
This is the reality. I am not the only one. Something NEEDS to change.
Friday, 21 December 2018
ENT Appointment for Dizziness
This morning, I finally had my appointment at the ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat) department. This was primarily for the dizziness I've experienced for years; which suddenly worsened around 4 months ago. I get this dizziness (amongst other symptoms) when standing up from sitting or lying down, or from sitting still for a prolonged period of time. I also feel as if I'm going to faint.
Other things, such as physical exertion or overheating, can make it much worse too, and I also experience palpitations, shakiness, nausea, and headaches.
So far, my GP has had blood tests done (all normal) as well as an ECG (normal), and had referred me to physiotherapy to see if I had a neck problem that was causing dizziness. I have neck pain anyway, but don't think this is connected to the dizziness. Needless to say, physio couldn't do a lot for me, so discharged me after an examination and after handing me a sheet of exercises to do. You can read more about my physio appointment here.
Anyway, back to the ENT appointment. Thanks to traffic, I was a few minutes late getting to the department. Thankfully, it wasn't difficult to find, but I had to rush. After about a 10 minute wait, a member of staff (a nurse or audiologist possibly?) called me to a room for a hearing test. This involved wearing headphones and having difference frequency/volume beeps played into each ear. Everytime I heard a beep, I had to press the button on a joystick shaped object that I was given. Some beeps were very hard to hear, and sometimes it was hard to distinguish between that and general computer noises, but I felt I'd done alright. I hadn't had a hearing test for as long as I could remember, so I was expecting to have some issues now.
Once that was finished, I was asked to sit in the waiting room. I was soon called to the doctor's office. I think it was a registrar that I saw, as it was not the consultant named on my appointment letter. He introduced himself, and I promptly forgot his name (typical me!) then he asked what had brought me here today.
I explained about the dizziness and faintness, and he asked what that felt like to me. The dizziness, I explained, felt like the room was spinning. The faintness, like I was about to collapse. I also had problems with balance, that were made worse by the dizziness and faintness. The doctor said that the faintness was not something ENT could deal with, but they could hopefully investigate/treat the dizziness.
He next asked me to let him examine my ears. He said they looked fine to him, so no worries there. He then asked to check my balance by getting me to stand without my stick (I had to keep steadying myself by placing my hand on the desk repeatedly), make marching movements with my legs; lifting them up as high as I could. Next, he asked me to walk heel to toe from my chair to the window, and then from the door to my chair. Both times I stumbled and nearly fell against objects close to me. I was also very wobbly. Once I'd sat down, the doctor conducted some neurological tests; including pushing my arms up against his, following his finger with my eye, then touching his finger, then my nose and repeat a few times as quickly as I could. I just about managed this, but really had to concentrate and was very shaky. He picked up on the shakiness and asked if it was something I experience often. I explained it always happened after any physical exertion. Lastly, he asked me to relax as much as I could, then focus on a spot on the wall, while he moved my head from side to side, slowly then quickly. After a few attempts, he managed this. I was focusing so much that I tensed my neck right up!
After these tests, the doctor asked about medication I take, any allergies to medication (Amoxicillin and Naproxen), current medical conditions, and any surgeries (I've had none). He told me his findings were that my hearing was normal, my ears were fine, but he wanted to investigate the dizziness more thoroughly. He said he would refer me for Vestibular tests, so to wait for an appointment letter for that and then follow up again with him soon. He also said that I should stop my anti sickness medication Prochlorperazine (Stemetil) as this would make the dizziness/faintness worse. He told me that something like Cyclizine would be a better choice. Next, he said I should be referred (probably to Cardiology) for the faintness and that he would write to my doctor to mention that and the anti sickness medication. Finally, he gave me a sheet with exercises to do, in the hopes of relieving my dizziness.
Overall, I felt the appointment went well! I left the hospital feeling well informed, taken seriously, I had clear information on what to do/would happen next and I felt the doctor had been thorough.
My next post will likely be about my latest CMHT assessment. My mental health has declined recently, for various reasons, so I got in touch and cried over the phone to the Access/Crisis Team. I will give much more information in the next post I write.
Depending upon the follow up appointments CMHT give me (if any), my post on the Vestibular tests may or may not be after that.
Other things, such as physical exertion or overheating, can make it much worse too, and I also experience palpitations, shakiness, nausea, and headaches.
So far, my GP has had blood tests done (all normal) as well as an ECG (normal), and had referred me to physiotherapy to see if I had a neck problem that was causing dizziness. I have neck pain anyway, but don't think this is connected to the dizziness. Needless to say, physio couldn't do a lot for me, so discharged me after an examination and after handing me a sheet of exercises to do. You can read more about my physio appointment here.
Anyway, back to the ENT appointment. Thanks to traffic, I was a few minutes late getting to the department. Thankfully, it wasn't difficult to find, but I had to rush. After about a 10 minute wait, a member of staff (a nurse or audiologist possibly?) called me to a room for a hearing test. This involved wearing headphones and having difference frequency/volume beeps played into each ear. Everytime I heard a beep, I had to press the button on a joystick shaped object that I was given. Some beeps were very hard to hear, and sometimes it was hard to distinguish between that and general computer noises, but I felt I'd done alright. I hadn't had a hearing test for as long as I could remember, so I was expecting to have some issues now.
Once that was finished, I was asked to sit in the waiting room. I was soon called to the doctor's office. I think it was a registrar that I saw, as it was not the consultant named on my appointment letter. He introduced himself, and I promptly forgot his name (typical me!) then he asked what had brought me here today.
I explained about the dizziness and faintness, and he asked what that felt like to me. The dizziness, I explained, felt like the room was spinning. The faintness, like I was about to collapse. I also had problems with balance, that were made worse by the dizziness and faintness. The doctor said that the faintness was not something ENT could deal with, but they could hopefully investigate/treat the dizziness.
He next asked me to let him examine my ears. He said they looked fine to him, so no worries there. He then asked to check my balance by getting me to stand without my stick (I had to keep steadying myself by placing my hand on the desk repeatedly), make marching movements with my legs; lifting them up as high as I could. Next, he asked me to walk heel to toe from my chair to the window, and then from the door to my chair. Both times I stumbled and nearly fell against objects close to me. I was also very wobbly. Once I'd sat down, the doctor conducted some neurological tests; including pushing my arms up against his, following his finger with my eye, then touching his finger, then my nose and repeat a few times as quickly as I could. I just about managed this, but really had to concentrate and was very shaky. He picked up on the shakiness and asked if it was something I experience often. I explained it always happened after any physical exertion. Lastly, he asked me to relax as much as I could, then focus on a spot on the wall, while he moved my head from side to side, slowly then quickly. After a few attempts, he managed this. I was focusing so much that I tensed my neck right up!
After these tests, the doctor asked about medication I take, any allergies to medication (Amoxicillin and Naproxen), current medical conditions, and any surgeries (I've had none). He told me his findings were that my hearing was normal, my ears were fine, but he wanted to investigate the dizziness more thoroughly. He said he would refer me for Vestibular tests, so to wait for an appointment letter for that and then follow up again with him soon. He also said that I should stop my anti sickness medication Prochlorperazine (Stemetil) as this would make the dizziness/faintness worse. He told me that something like Cyclizine would be a better choice. Next, he said I should be referred (probably to Cardiology) for the faintness and that he would write to my doctor to mention that and the anti sickness medication. Finally, he gave me a sheet with exercises to do, in the hopes of relieving my dizziness.
Overall, I felt the appointment went well! I left the hospital feeling well informed, taken seriously, I had clear information on what to do/would happen next and I felt the doctor had been thorough.
My next post will likely be about my latest CMHT assessment. My mental health has declined recently, for various reasons, so I got in touch and cried over the phone to the Access/Crisis Team. I will give much more information in the next post I write.
Depending upon the follow up appointments CMHT give me (if any), my post on the Vestibular tests may or may not be after that.
Wednesday, 12 December 2018
More pain *sigh*
(TW: Meds)
As the weather gets colder, my chronic pain gets more severe. Even on the highest dose of Tramadol (moderate release) I am not getting enough pain relief. I've been suffering breakthrough pain. In a nutshell, this is pain that is not relieved by my usual painkillers. It "breaks through". I tried dealing with it by using hot compresses, TENS machine, CBD oil, and even some old Codeine that was still in date. Most of that didn't work, and the hot compresses only helped a bit, for the duration they were on me. I vented about it on social media and some good friends advised I see the GP.
Another problem I had started three days ago. I woke up with cramp in my left calf which hasn't gone away. I mentioned this to my GP too.
I saw the GP this morning. It was an uncomfortable wait, thanks to the pain and cramping. Eventually I was called through. I wondered whether a quick release opiate (such as normal release Tramadol) could be added on top of the moderate release Tramadol. Unfortunately, she was worried about the risk of overdose, so decided to look for something else.We went through my medication history to see what I have tolerated in the past, and finally decided on either Pregabalin or Gabapentin, as these are specifically licensed for Fibromyalgia. I've been on a low dose of them before and tolerated them, but not found relief. My GP wanted to see if I could start on the same dose then titrate up, and hopefully it'll work. I'm slightly skeptical, but willing to give it a try. I'll blog about whichever one I try (I forget which she decided on) and let you know if I notice any difference in my pain severity. She did actually ask how severe the pain was on a scale of 0-10. I said it tended to be a 7 or 8, so bordering on the severe end. I told her it affected my functioning, and I wasn't able to do the exercise I needed to. She did tell me to try though.
The second thing I needed to tell her about was the cramping in my left calf. I told her how it'd been happening for 3 days now and hasn't subsided at all. She didn't seem worried to be honest. She asked if I'd tried various things such as stretching exercises, hot compresses etc. I told her I had but didn't have any luck. She examined my calf (ouch!) and said it didn't seem very tense compared to the other calf.
Once we'd sorted out my prescription requests, that was pretty much it. I think it was a fairly successful appointment, and the result was what I expected really. I would've been very surprised if she'd prescribed the normal release Tramadol, or Oramorph (which would be wonderful for pain relief but I highly doubt would be prescribed unless I was on the floor screaming in pain).
My next post will likely be about my ENT appointment for dizziness, so stay tuned!
To all my fellow spoonies who experience chronic pain, I hope you are able to stay warm and dry, with minimal pain xxx
UPDATE:
It was Pregabalin that I was prescribed. I've been taking it for a couple of days now. So far, I haven't noticed any pain relief but I'm only taking 150mg per day at the moment. It is making me quite foggy and drowsy though, but I think I can cope with it. Please comment below if you've had experiences with Pregabalin for Fibromyalgia pain. Has it helped you? Were the side effects easy to cope with, or too much?
As the weather gets colder, my chronic pain gets more severe. Even on the highest dose of Tramadol (moderate release) I am not getting enough pain relief. I've been suffering breakthrough pain. In a nutshell, this is pain that is not relieved by my usual painkillers. It "breaks through". I tried dealing with it by using hot compresses, TENS machine, CBD oil, and even some old Codeine that was still in date. Most of that didn't work, and the hot compresses only helped a bit, for the duration they were on me. I vented about it on social media and some good friends advised I see the GP.
Another problem I had started three days ago. I woke up with cramp in my left calf which hasn't gone away. I mentioned this to my GP too.
I saw the GP this morning. It was an uncomfortable wait, thanks to the pain and cramping. Eventually I was called through. I wondered whether a quick release opiate (such as normal release Tramadol) could be added on top of the moderate release Tramadol. Unfortunately, she was worried about the risk of overdose, so decided to look for something else.We went through my medication history to see what I have tolerated in the past, and finally decided on either Pregabalin or Gabapentin, as these are specifically licensed for Fibromyalgia. I've been on a low dose of them before and tolerated them, but not found relief. My GP wanted to see if I could start on the same dose then titrate up, and hopefully it'll work. I'm slightly skeptical, but willing to give it a try. I'll blog about whichever one I try (I forget which she decided on) and let you know if I notice any difference in my pain severity. She did actually ask how severe the pain was on a scale of 0-10. I said it tended to be a 7 or 8, so bordering on the severe end. I told her it affected my functioning, and I wasn't able to do the exercise I needed to. She did tell me to try though.
The second thing I needed to tell her about was the cramping in my left calf. I told her how it'd been happening for 3 days now and hasn't subsided at all. She didn't seem worried to be honest. She asked if I'd tried various things such as stretching exercises, hot compresses etc. I told her I had but didn't have any luck. She examined my calf (ouch!) and said it didn't seem very tense compared to the other calf.
Once we'd sorted out my prescription requests, that was pretty much it. I think it was a fairly successful appointment, and the result was what I expected really. I would've been very surprised if she'd prescribed the normal release Tramadol, or Oramorph (which would be wonderful for pain relief but I highly doubt would be prescribed unless I was on the floor screaming in pain).
My next post will likely be about my ENT appointment for dizziness, so stay tuned!
To all my fellow spoonies who experience chronic pain, I hope you are able to stay warm and dry, with minimal pain xxx
UPDATE:
It was Pregabalin that I was prescribed. I've been taking it for a couple of days now. So far, I haven't noticed any pain relief but I'm only taking 150mg per day at the moment. It is making me quite foggy and drowsy though, but I think I can cope with it. Please comment below if you've had experiences with Pregabalin for Fibromyalgia pain. Has it helped you? Were the side effects easy to cope with, or too much?
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