Childhood: When I think back to my childhood, I believe I had some mild mental health problems back then; which were probably brought on by the bullying I experienced. I have always had a low self-image, and been critical of myself. I've always had anxiety in some form or another as well. I'd feel anxious about eating in front of people, being in busy places, and catching the bus. I still managed to do all of these things, but I constantly worried about embarrassing myself, seeing one of my bullies, or having a panic attack. I self harmed fairly frequently as a way of releasing my emotions, and as a way of punishing myself for not dealing with things as well as I thought I should.
As I moved onto secondary school and the bullying continued, I became very self conscious & blamed myself for anything that went wrong. I started carrying out certain routines (praying 3 times, exactly at midnight) and carrying "lucky charms" in specific pockets. I truly believed that, if I did this, the bullying would lessen or I'd cope with it better. If I didn't carry out the routines, or forgot to bring certain "lucky charms" with me, I believed my day would be awful & that I wouldn't be able to cope with anything. If I did have a bad day, I believed it was because I hadn't done my routine properly or at the right time. I started to have violent intrusive thoughts, that led to violent dreams. I worried that I'd carry out those violent acts and that I was a terrible, evil person.
University: When I finished school, I decided to go to a university where it was unlikely I'd know anyone. I needed a fresh start, and felt I was a bit happier and confident enough to make new friends. I think this was one of the best decisions I made. I was independent, popular, enjoying life! I was also very impulsive and a bit of a risk taker when it came to certain impulses.
In my second year of university, the physical health problems started and I think this is what led to the anxiety relapse and depression. It certainly didn't help that I was in an abusive relationship at the time, and lost friends thanks to my fluctuating physical illness. I blamed myself for everything again and felt I had to explain why I was well enough to go out some days, and not others. I felt very trapped and isolated by my illness, as well as by my partner at the time. We broke up, but I still felt isolated & I struggled with making plans. As well as feeling too physically ill to attend most lectures, I became very anxious with being in busy lecture halls. I spent more time in my room & became fairly paranoid about friends. I wondered what they thought of me, whether they believed me, whether I was losing them.
Work: After university, I had my first full time job. I was in a relationship at the time, and was fairly happy. It was lovely to come home from work to my partner. He made me feel wanted, and encouraged me to be more sociable. Although not as good as university, I became a little more sociable; catching up with old friends. When it came to work, I often felt as if I wasn't good enough. I struggled with phone-calls, as I worried that the customer wouldn't think I was competent. I still had anxiety with busy situations, and found meetings made me panicky. Whenever I could, I would avoid meetings. Eventually, my physical health had worsened so much that I had to give up working. My anxiety had worsened a lot too.
Breaking Up: The paranoia I had, the anxiety, and the fact that I wasn't well enough to go out much, I think led to my partner breaking up with me. I struggled with being single, and felt completely worthless and broken. Finding out that he'd met someone else just two days later didn't help either. Was I that easily replaceable? I'd moved back to my parents' flat and away from old friends. Most of my social interactions were online, and so I didn't go out much. I lost more friends, and ended up breaking ties with the rest of one friendship group, before they broke ties with me. It hurt a lot, and I still have times where I dwell on it now.
Unemployment: Once I'd moved back home, I had to decide whether to force myself to work again , or to try claiming Employment and Support Allowance. I was really worried that I'd be thought of as "faking it" or just not being ill enough to qualify. After a horrible assessment, I was accepted for ESA. Stories in the tabloids of "fakers", "scroungers" etc made me paranoid that maybe I'd be accused of this if I was seen outside, or walking one step further than I should be. If I saw a strange car or van outside, or if someone looked at me for longer than normal, I instantly thought they worked for the government.
Starting Therapy: I noticed my moods had been so low, and finally decided to open up to my GP about this. (You can find my blog post about this here). I was given the number to self refer for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. My first lot of CBT was at a low intensity level, and I saw my therapist every fortnight. We talked about my home situation, physical health (and how that had an impact on my mental health) as well as things that'd happened recently and how to re-examine my thoughts. I liked the therapist, but wasn't finding therapy very beneficial. It seemed too simplistic, and I wasn't sure I really fit the boxes that come with mental health questionnaires etc. I didn't know how to explain it so thought that maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough. I started to have very strong suicidal urges, and was soon in crisis. My therapist at the time contacted crisis team, and I had assessments but nothing else could be offered for the diagnoses I had (Generalised Anxiety Disorder, & Depression). I got very panicky at my last low intensity therapy session, and was then referred on to high intensity CBT. I was also prescribed Amitriptyline by my GP, to see if this would help my moods.
I didn't seem to have such a good rapport with my second therapist. I felt she was repeating a lot of what I'd already learnt about CBT, and I wasn't given much opportunity to talk through how I felt. It seemed more about going through worksheets. If my suicidal thoughts were more frequent, my therapist would instantly go to contacting crisis team. In the end, I told her not to, and I began to hide my darkest feelings and just comply with the worksheets. I ended up finishing this lot of CBT early, partly because I couldn't get transport there any more (and was too anxious to use taxis/buses), partly because it just wasn't helping me.
My third lot of CBT (again at high intensity level) was carried out at home. I was far too anxious to travel, and had then been diagnosed with Agoraphobia, which helped a lot with getting a therapist to come to my house. I got on well with this therapist, and was opening up a bit more. I still didn't find much benefit from the worksheets, and found that I was just going through the motions with homework. It seemed I wanted the therapist to think they'd helped me a lot. I felt like I was failing otherwise. Apart from this, I found a bit of benefit from having the odd walk outside, with the therapist. She wanted me to get a bit more confident outside, and I liked how we didn't have to always be indoors for therapy. I knew I needed help for my agoraphobia, and having someone accompany me outside and build up to me being a bit more independent, would be a good idea. Unfortunately the sessions came to an end before I could make any noticeable progress.
As well as going through therapy, my latest crisis also led to some appointments with a psychiatrist. They changed my medication to Sertraline (with Diazepam as a short emergency prescription). They also suggested I have Psychodynamic therapy, as CBT didn't seem to be suiting me. Unfortunately, I was not given that therapy. I'm not sure any available therapists were trained to carry it out. My third CBT therapist did say, however, that due to the trauma I'd experienced in the past, she may be able to offer me EMDR, as she was training in it. She wanted me to have a break from therapy for a few months first though.
Moving: My parents and I moved house quite quickly, a couple of months after the third lot of therapy. Unfortunately the area we moved to was not under the same mental health team, so I was discharged and told to approach my GP and get referred to the team in my new area. I struggled to get up the courage for quite a while, and took longer to phone the self referral number. I wanted to avoid mental health services altogether, and be left alone. I felt that I wouldn't be reliable and would be discharged for cancelling so many appointments; due to (physical) ill health. When I did eventually call the number, and soon after got my telephone assessment, I found myself rambling a lot to the therapist on the phone. I wasn't sure where to start, and was already very nervous. It felt as if they listened though.
Interpersonal Therapy: I was very pleased to be offered a type of therapy that wasn't Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I needed to talk about things in the past, and how I formed/maintained relationships, so Interpersonal Therapy seemed like a more suitable one for my issues. At my most recent session, however, I lost trust in my therapist after they dismissed my concerns about my self harming getting worse, as well as a diagnosis I thought I might have. This condition is Borderline Personality Disorder. I explained some of the reasons why I thought I had it, but I didn't feel listened to. The therapist just told me that BPD was something that psychiatrists diagnose you with, if they don't know what's wrong with you. This made me really angry, as I know this condition is real. I couldn't listen to what he said for the rest of the session, and spent most of it wondering whether to just walk out. It was a good job I stayed until the end though, as he suggested I get referred to Secondary Care services (CMHT). I went to my GP the next day, who contacted my therapist to confirm this referral was right for me. After a quick phonecall with the therapist, later that day, I was referred. I was contacted the following day by CMHT; who gave me an appointment for 3rd February.
Community Mental Health Team (Secondary Care): On Friday, 3rd February, I went to my appointment. In the room there was a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN). and psychology assistant observing. The CPN explained about my referral and gave me a Wellbeing questionnaire to fill in rather than the usual Depression (PHQ9) and Anxiety (GAD) ones. This questionnaire included questions about coping, making decisions, whether I've felt close to people etc. I've found this questionnaire, with similar questions. I was ticking rarely or none of the time for a lot of them; so I'm guessing my "wellbeing" isn't great!
The CPN then went on to asking why I think I've been referred to the Secondary Care Team, what my main struggles are, and what sort of help I think I need. I spoke about mood swings, the intensity of my moods, how I would be full of emotion (to the point where I feel I'll burst) or feeling nothing at all. I told him how I found it hard to cope with how quickly/extremely my moods can change. I mentioned the numerous crises I've had, suicidal thoughts (which became plans at one point) and frequent self harming that's getting worse. I said I was feeling less in control when it came to my moods and self harming. I can get very irritable and angry, but tend to turn this anger on myself. I also mentioned the times where I've been hypomanic, quite impulsive, agitated etc and how I find that strange; given my diagnosis.
I spoke about the many years of psychological bullying I experienced, as well as an abortion I had at 19, and a controlling, abusive relationship I had, not long after.
Finally, I spoke about my last therapy session, where I felt I could now open up about how, for over a year, I've wondered if I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I can relate to pretty much all the criteria, although some were more prominent when I was a teenager/ very early 20s. The CPN didn't confirm or deny a BPD diagnosis, but did say that (looking over what I'd told him) he believed I had a long-standing trauma related disorder. He wasn't entirely sure if secondary or primary care would be more suitable for me, but he would have a word with my therapist and give me a call next week.
So this is where I'm at now. I'm not entirely sure what to think about the CMHT appointment. It was a shorter appointment than I expected, and not quite as thorough either. The CPN did ask some specific questions, but it was mainly left to me to explain how I'd been feeling. There were things I forgot to mention to him (and he has given me contact numbers to ring if I do need to talk about them) but I think he got a fairly good picture of my problems. I guess I'll just have to wait and see!
Friday, 3 February 2017
Thursday, 12 January 2017
Hypomania symptoms?
Please watch my latest vlog, about mental health and physical health updates! If you like my vlogs, please share and subscribe!
Tuesday, 27 December 2016
Spinning Plates
I was trying to think of a half-decent title for this blog post, and "Spinning Plates" was all that really came to mind. I needed a title that described how I felt when it came to dealing with physical health problems, as well as mental health problems. I've mentioned my diagnoses before, but I'll state them here and hopefully I can explain how managing these conditions feels a lot like "spinning plates".
Fibromyalgia: I've had this since 2010 and sometimes I feel I've accepted it, sometimes I get extremely frustrated, upset, and angry at how much it limits what I can do/how often I can do it. I'm so used to pushing myself that I find it very hard to stop and pace before I cause my symptoms to flare up. Sometimes I deliberately go too far, because I find physical pain a little easier to cope with than mental pain. When I do pace, the internalised ableism kicks in, and I feel as if I'm being lazy, not making the most of the day etc. I know that pacing myself is a good thing to do, and resting is still productive as it means I am looking after myself. I just wish I could feel less guilty about it!
Hypermobility Syndrome: I'm not entirely sure when it became Joint Hypermobility Syndrome, but I know I've been hypermobile all my life. As I learn more about it, I realise how mindful I have to be when it comes to using my joints. I have multiple subluxations every day, and sometimes I have dislocations too. Having doctors finally believe me (after a physio actually seeing and hearing a joint dislocate!) has helped a little, but doesn't take away the frustration with working around limitations and not getting much support for it.
Depression: Looking after yourself is so so important anyway, let alone when you are dealing with multiple illnesses & disabilities! I really do try, but Depression zaps my energy (what's left of it, thanks to Fibro and JHS anyway!). I struggle with motivation as well. Emotionally, the most basic sounding tasks can feel like trying to climb a mountain. On my bad depression days, I barely do a thing, and then I hate myself for being "lazy". If it isn't too bad on particular days, but my physical health problems are, I then get frustrated with myself for physically not being able to do things that might help my mood a little (e.g. making a nice snack, doing some cross stitch, meeting a friend).
Generalized Anxiety Disorder: When anxiety gets severe, it can limit you so much. I could be having a day with slightly less physical pain, or even less fatigue. On this day, I may want to make the most of this by maybe having a walk, or at least getting out of the house (even if just into the garden). Anxiety can have a real hold on me however, and often it becomes a panic attack (which then makes the physical pain, fatigue etc worse!). As much as I want to be able to do stuff, I just can't. It's as if invisible arms are squeezing me tightly, the room has become unbearably hot, my head is pounding, the room is spinning, and I can't focus on anything else. I know these things are down to anxiety and panic, and that they will lessen in time, but it does not stop me from feeling them so intensely.
Agoraphobia: The symptoms I get with Agoraphobia are very much the same as with GAD, but they are of course more about situations (such as being out of the house, being in a busy place, not being able to get out of somewhere quickly or easily). If it is quiet, having a short walk can help lessen my depressive symptoms temporarily. I want to be able to do this as much as my health allows, but the agoraphobia holds me back. Even if I manage to force myself outside, if it is bad enough, I will not feel better. I will spend the whole time on the edge of a panic attack and that will be my energy gone for the day.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: This can affect my ability to get out of the house and cope with daily things. The meds I'm on do help calm down my OCD related anxiety a little, but on a bad day I could struggle just as much as I did before I was on the meds. Again, this holds me back and stops me from being able to make the most of low pain/fatigue days.
I hope this makes sense. There's a lot of similarities with each condition, and of course I know that mental health and physical health often overlap. For me, it feels as if they clash too! I'm trying to manage my struggles with things like anxiety with going outside and guilt from not going outside, when it occurs on a day my physical symptoms aren't too bad. On the less anxious days, I want to do more to help myself, but physical symptoms limit how much I can help myself on bad physical health days!
I guess it's about moderation and, yes, Pacing. If anyone has any tips on getting that balance right, or even if you don't and you need to vent to someone who understands, leave a comment below!
Thank you for reading.
Fibromyalgia: I've had this since 2010 and sometimes I feel I've accepted it, sometimes I get extremely frustrated, upset, and angry at how much it limits what I can do/how often I can do it. I'm so used to pushing myself that I find it very hard to stop and pace before I cause my symptoms to flare up. Sometimes I deliberately go too far, because I find physical pain a little easier to cope with than mental pain. When I do pace, the internalised ableism kicks in, and I feel as if I'm being lazy, not making the most of the day etc. I know that pacing myself is a good thing to do, and resting is still productive as it means I am looking after myself. I just wish I could feel less guilty about it!
Hypermobility Syndrome: I'm not entirely sure when it became Joint Hypermobility Syndrome, but I know I've been hypermobile all my life. As I learn more about it, I realise how mindful I have to be when it comes to using my joints. I have multiple subluxations every day, and sometimes I have dislocations too. Having doctors finally believe me (after a physio actually seeing and hearing a joint dislocate!) has helped a little, but doesn't take away the frustration with working around limitations and not getting much support for it.
Depression: Looking after yourself is so so important anyway, let alone when you are dealing with multiple illnesses & disabilities! I really do try, but Depression zaps my energy (what's left of it, thanks to Fibro and JHS anyway!). I struggle with motivation as well. Emotionally, the most basic sounding tasks can feel like trying to climb a mountain. On my bad depression days, I barely do a thing, and then I hate myself for being "lazy". If it isn't too bad on particular days, but my physical health problems are, I then get frustrated with myself for physically not being able to do things that might help my mood a little (e.g. making a nice snack, doing some cross stitch, meeting a friend).
Generalized Anxiety Disorder: When anxiety gets severe, it can limit you so much. I could be having a day with slightly less physical pain, or even less fatigue. On this day, I may want to make the most of this by maybe having a walk, or at least getting out of the house (even if just into the garden). Anxiety can have a real hold on me however, and often it becomes a panic attack (which then makes the physical pain, fatigue etc worse!). As much as I want to be able to do stuff, I just can't. It's as if invisible arms are squeezing me tightly, the room has become unbearably hot, my head is pounding, the room is spinning, and I can't focus on anything else. I know these things are down to anxiety and panic, and that they will lessen in time, but it does not stop me from feeling them so intensely.
Agoraphobia: The symptoms I get with Agoraphobia are very much the same as with GAD, but they are of course more about situations (such as being out of the house, being in a busy place, not being able to get out of somewhere quickly or easily). If it is quiet, having a short walk can help lessen my depressive symptoms temporarily. I want to be able to do this as much as my health allows, but the agoraphobia holds me back. Even if I manage to force myself outside, if it is bad enough, I will not feel better. I will spend the whole time on the edge of a panic attack and that will be my energy gone for the day.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: This can affect my ability to get out of the house and cope with daily things. The meds I'm on do help calm down my OCD related anxiety a little, but on a bad day I could struggle just as much as I did before I was on the meds. Again, this holds me back and stops me from being able to make the most of low pain/fatigue days.
I hope this makes sense. There's a lot of similarities with each condition, and of course I know that mental health and physical health often overlap. For me, it feels as if they clash too! I'm trying to manage my struggles with things like anxiety with going outside and guilt from not going outside, when it occurs on a day my physical symptoms aren't too bad. On the less anxious days, I want to do more to help myself, but physical symptoms limit how much I can help myself on bad physical health days!
I guess it's about moderation and, yes, Pacing. If anyone has any tips on getting that balance right, or even if you don't and you need to vent to someone who understands, leave a comment below!
Thank you for reading.
Friday, 2 December 2016
Penultimate Physiotherapy Appointment???
I did mean to write this post last Friday, but I've been struggling a lot with severe fatigue. I've not been able to get much done at all, because I've been falling asleep in the day time, and it has been very difficult to rouse me and keep me awake. I did see the GP about this recently and had some blood tests (only for B12, Folates, and Full Blood Count though?). My B12 came back low again, but the GP wants to see if I can increase it by altering my diet. If in three months it's still low, I'll be prescribed B12 tablets. I'm not completely happy with this, as my Vitamin D tends to frequently be low, and TSH tends to be high, (and neither were tested) but I guess I can wait three months and ask for more tests if I'm still having severe fatigue.
Ok, onto my physio appointment! Please read my recent post Bendy Life if you want to catch up.
My second appointment was a surprisingly quick one! The physiotherapist asked how I'd been getting on with my exercises and if I'd bought/been using the insole arch supports. I said that I'd been coping well with the exercises (with not too much pain during) but hadn't found any real improvement with my dislocating left knee. She decided to make one of the exercises slightly harder, in the hopes that it will do more to strengthen my muscles. It did hurt a bit more, when I tried it out, but not an unreasonable amount *insert cheesy joke about No Pain, No Gain here*
She also tried me with Kinesiology tape. At first, she wanted to use more conventional tape (I'm not sure of the proper name for this) but I told her about how easily my skin rips and bruises with tape such as micropore. She said the conventional tape definitely wouldn't suit me then! The Kinesiology tape suited me very well, and I've ordered some to use at home or on extra bendy days. She showed me how to apply the tape around and under my kneecap. I found it really helped support my knee, and it didn't constantly feel as if it would dislocate. Believe me, this felt like such a relief! Having to think about every step you make, in order to avoid subluxations/dislocations, is not fun!
The session pretty much ended after this! I was very surprised, as the last one was so much longer. The physiotherapist also asked if I wanted another appointment. It seemed that she wanted this to be the last session; which I found really surprising! If I remember correctly, at my Orthopaedic assessment, it was recommended that I have physiotherapy long term. I did ask for another appointment after Christmas; to give me time to see if there's any improvement. I think this might be my last appointment though! I was too taken aback to really say anything about that, but I went home very confused. I'd have understood if I had noticed a lot of improvement, but hardly a thing had changed since my last appointment!
Have you had a very short programme of physiotherapy, when you were under the impression you'd be having a long term one? Is there any reason why? Please comment below.
Resources
1. https://amysmysteryillness.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/flare-ups-frustration-and-fear.html
Ok, onto my physio appointment! Please read my recent post Bendy Life if you want to catch up.
My second appointment was a surprisingly quick one! The physiotherapist asked how I'd been getting on with my exercises and if I'd bought/been using the insole arch supports. I said that I'd been coping well with the exercises (with not too much pain during) but hadn't found any real improvement with my dislocating left knee. She decided to make one of the exercises slightly harder, in the hopes that it will do more to strengthen my muscles. It did hurt a bit more, when I tried it out, but not an unreasonable amount *insert cheesy joke about No Pain, No Gain here*
She also tried me with Kinesiology tape. At first, she wanted to use more conventional tape (I'm not sure of the proper name for this) but I told her about how easily my skin rips and bruises with tape such as micropore. She said the conventional tape definitely wouldn't suit me then! The Kinesiology tape suited me very well, and I've ordered some to use at home or on extra bendy days. She showed me how to apply the tape around and under my kneecap. I found it really helped support my knee, and it didn't constantly feel as if it would dislocate. Believe me, this felt like such a relief! Having to think about every step you make, in order to avoid subluxations/dislocations, is not fun!
The session pretty much ended after this! I was very surprised, as the last one was so much longer. The physiotherapist also asked if I wanted another appointment. It seemed that she wanted this to be the last session; which I found really surprising! If I remember correctly, at my Orthopaedic assessment, it was recommended that I have physiotherapy long term. I did ask for another appointment after Christmas; to give me time to see if there's any improvement. I think this might be my last appointment though! I was too taken aback to really say anything about that, but I went home very confused. I'd have understood if I had noticed a lot of improvement, but hardly a thing had changed since my last appointment!
Have you had a very short programme of physiotherapy, when you were under the impression you'd be having a long term one? Is there any reason why? Please comment below.
Resources
1. https://amysmysteryillness.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/flare-ups-frustration-and-fear.html
Friday, 18 November 2016
Flare ups, Frustration, and Fear
The Dreaded Envelope
The dreaded white envelope came through the post a couple of days ago. An ESA50 that I need to fill in and send back within a month. I had a feeling I'd be reassessed soon, but was hoping they would at least wait until my birthday and Christmas were out of the way first. Wishful thinking I guess! When I saw what it was, I became so panicky and tearful. I've been through it all before, and have horrible memories of the Work Capability Assessment and the Work Programme.
This is such a bad time for me to be reassessed. I don't know how I'm going to cope with it to be honest. If you've been following my vlogs, then you'll know that I'm having to talk about some very difficult things in the past, in therapy. This means that I'm struggling as it is. The pressure of being scrutinized and judged for daring to be too ill to work, and the possibility that I could either have my disabilities completely dismissed & found "fit for work" or I will be put in the work related activity group and possibly forced onto the work programme (or something similar), is likely to push me over the edge. I'm going to need a lot of support from my therapist and GP.
I hate the way the ESA letters are worded. They're covered in bold writing; telling you that you may be sanctioned/found fit for work if you don't do this or that. I struggle enough with letters like that, but I live with my parents, so they'd know if I was going into crisis. For a vulnerable person living on their own, the wording of those letters could have such a detrimental impact on their mental health. There is the focus on work being "good for your health" as well; implying that everyone should work, no matter how ill or disabled they are. So right from the start, you feel as if you will be found fit for work regardless.
I'm hoping I can get evidence from my physio, therapist/mental health nurse, and GP; to back up my claim. I know in some areas, GPs won't do supporting letters for ESA claims however. I've not been in this area very long, so have only been registered with this GP for less than a year. I do hope I can get some sort of evidence though.
Flare ups
I've been in more pain, much more exhausted, and more dizzy than usual this past week or so. I think the damper weather must be making me feel worse. I'm due to start my period soon as well, and find that I flare up more easily around this time. I've found it particularly frustrating this time round however. I'm finally having a type of therapy that might actually help, and physiotherapy with a physio who has one of my conditions. I had to cancel both of those appointments this week. I was getting motion sickness, bad dizziness, overheating and getting exhausted after simple things (such as brushing my teeth). I don't want to end up cancelling too many appointments, or I will be discharged. I need that extra support!
All I can do, I guess, is pace myself, rest when I need to (i.e. before I'm completely exhausted), and look after myself better. I wish I could control my illnesses, but I've tried and the best I can do is manage and work round them. Willpower does not cure chronic illnesses.
The dreaded white envelope came through the post a couple of days ago. An ESA50 that I need to fill in and send back within a month. I had a feeling I'd be reassessed soon, but was hoping they would at least wait until my birthday and Christmas were out of the way first. Wishful thinking I guess! When I saw what it was, I became so panicky and tearful. I've been through it all before, and have horrible memories of the Work Capability Assessment and the Work Programme.
This is such a bad time for me to be reassessed. I don't know how I'm going to cope with it to be honest. If you've been following my vlogs, then you'll know that I'm having to talk about some very difficult things in the past, in therapy. This means that I'm struggling as it is. The pressure of being scrutinized and judged for daring to be too ill to work, and the possibility that I could either have my disabilities completely dismissed & found "fit for work" or I will be put in the work related activity group and possibly forced onto the work programme (or something similar), is likely to push me over the edge. I'm going to need a lot of support from my therapist and GP.
I hate the way the ESA letters are worded. They're covered in bold writing; telling you that you may be sanctioned/found fit for work if you don't do this or that. I struggle enough with letters like that, but I live with my parents, so they'd know if I was going into crisis. For a vulnerable person living on their own, the wording of those letters could have such a detrimental impact on their mental health. There is the focus on work being "good for your health" as well; implying that everyone should work, no matter how ill or disabled they are. So right from the start, you feel as if you will be found fit for work regardless.
I'm hoping I can get evidence from my physio, therapist/mental health nurse, and GP; to back up my claim. I know in some areas, GPs won't do supporting letters for ESA claims however. I've not been in this area very long, so have only been registered with this GP for less than a year. I do hope I can get some sort of evidence though.
Flare ups
I've been in more pain, much more exhausted, and more dizzy than usual this past week or so. I think the damper weather must be making me feel worse. I'm due to start my period soon as well, and find that I flare up more easily around this time. I've found it particularly frustrating this time round however. I'm finally having a type of therapy that might actually help, and physiotherapy with a physio who has one of my conditions. I had to cancel both of those appointments this week. I was getting motion sickness, bad dizziness, overheating and getting exhausted after simple things (such as brushing my teeth). I don't want to end up cancelling too many appointments, or I will be discharged. I need that extra support!
All I can do, I guess, is pace myself, rest when I need to (i.e. before I'm completely exhausted), and look after myself better. I wish I could control my illnesses, but I've tried and the best I can do is manage and work round them. Willpower does not cure chronic illnesses.
Monday, 7 November 2016
Bendy Life
Last year, I had an Orthopaedic Assessment for my subluxing left knee . It ended up as an assessment of most of my joints, and I was diagnosed with Hypermobility Syndrome. I was referred on for physiotherapy (mainly for my knee) to strengthen the muscles round the joints and hopefully lessen the chance of subluxations/dislocations. I started physio in the area I lived, but this stopped when I moved out of the area.
There were a lot of things to sort out during & after the move, and my worsening health meant that getting referred for physio near my new home was on the back-burner for a while. I finally got to a point where it felt like a good time to start physio again. I dreaded the idea of having to give my life story to a stranger again; with the worry that my physical difficulties would be underestimated (which felt like the case with my previous physio!)
I had my first physio session last Friday and was very pleased with it! The physio was lovely! She was so understanding, considerate, and she listened to me. It turns out that she has Hypermobility Syndrome too! She examined me and saw how I stood, walked etc. Because I have frequent dislocations, she told me that my Hypermobility Syndrome is severe.
She asked me what I hoped to achieve from these sessions. I said that I would like to have less subluxations and a little more stability in my hips so I could walk a bit more. If I can physically go on a walk (no matter how short) then I have more chance of improving my agoraphobia. At the moment, I'm finding that my physical problems worsen some of my mental health ones.
When talking through (and getting me to try) exercises, she would listen to my concerns and notice if certain exercises were causing more strain/pain than they should. This was so different to the last physio; who implied I simply was reluctant to exercise...
As well as exercises, the physio suggested insole arch supports (as she noticed the arches in my feet are quite low) as well as kinesio tape so that my joints are less likely to pop out while I exercise.
I see her next in a couple of weeks, where I will be trying exercises while wearing kinesio tape. I've never used this before, so am interested to find out if it'll help.
There were a lot of things to sort out during & after the move, and my worsening health meant that getting referred for physio near my new home was on the back-burner for a while. I finally got to a point where it felt like a good time to start physio again. I dreaded the idea of having to give my life story to a stranger again; with the worry that my physical difficulties would be underestimated (which felt like the case with my previous physio!)
I had my first physio session last Friday and was very pleased with it! The physio was lovely! She was so understanding, considerate, and she listened to me. It turns out that she has Hypermobility Syndrome too! She examined me and saw how I stood, walked etc. Because I have frequent dislocations, she told me that my Hypermobility Syndrome is severe.
She asked me what I hoped to achieve from these sessions. I said that I would like to have less subluxations and a little more stability in my hips so I could walk a bit more. If I can physically go on a walk (no matter how short) then I have more chance of improving my agoraphobia. At the moment, I'm finding that my physical problems worsen some of my mental health ones.
When talking through (and getting me to try) exercises, she would listen to my concerns and notice if certain exercises were causing more strain/pain than they should. This was so different to the last physio; who implied I simply was reluctant to exercise...
As well as exercises, the physio suggested insole arch supports (as she noticed the arches in my feet are quite low) as well as kinesio tape so that my joints are less likely to pop out while I exercise.
I see her next in a couple of weeks, where I will be trying exercises while wearing kinesio tape. I've never used this before, so am interested to find out if it'll help.
Tuesday, 1 November 2016
Session 2: Starting Interpersonal Therapy
At the moment, I'm vlogging about my experiences with Interpersonal Therapy. You'll find my Chronic Illness playlist here . Please share and subscribe if you like my videos! I'll be back to blogging very soon, and my next post will be about starting Physiotherapy for my Hypermobility Syndrome. See you soon!
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