I'm not sure how much sense this will make, but I have this incredible urge to get my thoughts down so I'm not spending the day dwelling on them. Well, I'll spend less time dwelling on them at least!
I should probably put a trigger warning here as I will be talking about the deep thoughts I have and I don't want to upset anyone who may be having those kinds of thoughts and worse. These are just my words, and thoughts, and feelings that I need to get down because they seem to be churning inside me right now.
I've just been watching the first episode of "Don't Call Me Crazy" on BBC IPlayer. I've posted a little tweet about it but it surprised me that I found some parts of it a bit triggering.
I'm not even sure about my own mental health, and the only thing the doctors ever mentioned to me was a suspected anxiety disorder. I didn't even agree with them and this was when they were trying to diagnose the physical symptoms I was (well, still am!) experiencing. I've been sent away from appointments with many mental health questionnaires to fill in and post back but never had a follow up about them so I just assume that, in their eyes, I'm pretty mentally 'healthy'.
But how accurate can a mental health questionnaire be? Especially when you fill it in yourself. I know I've not been completely honest with my responses to questions. It's always the suicide questions that make me instantly put "No!" or "On no days" or whatever it is (my memory is getting worse I swear).
I know I thought I'd stopped having the thoughts but I still do. I still have the very low times and the suicidal thoughts. But they seem to be intermittent if that makes any sense? That's why I never ponder the diagnoses like depression, anxiety etc. With clinical depression, in particular, the symptoms tend to be described as continuous low mood or sadness, with it occurring for at least 2 weeks. I don't think I get that.
What I seem to have is the very very low moods, the suicidal thoughts, wanting to be by myself, not being able to tolerate the normal family conversations, not feeling comfortable in my own skin, hating myself, thinking I'm not good enough, feeling everything's my fault, not being able to cheer myself up (even with Peep Show! And I love that show, it's my favourite lol).
That'll happen for a few days. I'll be very tearful and then I think it's out of my system and I can be my cheerful self again. I'll not let myself look at upsetting things, will stay involved in happy things, do things I enjoy (like writing, playing music, singing). I'll want to keep busy, not in a manic way though! Just in a "I'm bored, let's do stuff!" kind of way. That'll carry on for a few days and then the horrible moods will happen again and I wonder if the 'happy times' were all just me finding a way to distract myself from my innermost thoughts. Is this normal?
So yeah, because I'm not even sure if my thoughts are 'healthy' I don't tend to be completely honest about them because I guess I don't want someone worrying about me. I'm not actually attempting suicide no matter how much I think about it. Read my blog post "Low" for more of an explanation. I also don't want to be given a whole load of anti depressants to take because of how they affected me last time. I don't want to have the mental health team putting me on their books if I'm not technically mentally ill, because those resources could be used for someone who does have an actual diagnosis/suspected diagnosis.
There's still a lot I want to talk about on this blog but it's really personal stuff from my past and I've not exactly kept this blog anonymous. I want to open up and say but I think I need to get to that stage where I don't mind who knows.
Anyway, I will go. For the record, today isn't exactly a 'bad' day mood-wise. I feel a bit numb but not in a really bad way :)
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