(Please see my blog posts entitled Let's Try This Again , and Let's Try This Again: Part Two to catch up, before reading this latest post).
So, the wait for therapy turned out to be much less than the 10 weeks I was told to expect! I was very surprised, but glad that I could be seen soon. I've been teetering on the edge of crisis, so have really needed help as soon as possible. The place, where I was to have therapy, was a little further away than I expected, but all slots had been filled in clinics nearer my home. Fortunately my dad could take me pretty much any time though; so getting there wasn't a problem.
I was dreading it on the day. I was under the impression (from the therapist on the phone) that I would be going through CBT yet again. This would be the 4th time, after 3 times with little or no improvement! Thankfully it turned out to be more of an assessment with a mental health nurse (who was also trained in various non-CBT based therapies). This session was very very different to what I expected, and the nurse seemed to pick up on a lot of things about me, when I spoke about various problems I have, things that've happened etc. He decided that CBT wasn't really the appropriate type of therapy for me, and that Interpersonal Therapy would suit me more. He's given me some information about this type of therapy, and I get to decide at the next session (31st October) whether I want to go ahead with it & continue with him as my therapist.
I wanted to talk about this appointment, and how I was feeling, as soon as I possibly could once I'd got back home. If you've read my Quick Announcement post, then you will know that I have now started vlogging about my chronic mental and physical illnesses. I decided to talk about this session in more detail by vlogging about it. The vlog is entitled First Therapy Session That Wasn't CBT!!! If you enjoy my vlogs, please share and subscribe!
I may write a short blog about my next therapy session, but want to vlog again to give more detail. I'd like this blog and my vlogs to complement each other, & I am hoping this works out well.
Thanks for reading, and please comment below if you have any suggestions!
Tuesday, 18 October 2016
Thursday, 13 October 2016
Quick Announcement
This is just a short post, to let you know that I've now started vlogging! A friend suggested it to me recently and, after umming and ahhing for a while, I finally decided to give it a go. I might use it for little updates or to focus on one topic at a time, I haven't decided yet. I do want to try and post vlogs regularly though. Apart from lots of furbaby videos (and a few random ones) there's an Introduction Vlog on there for now. Go check it out, and subscribe to my Amzie Bear channel if you like it!
I will of course keep blogging here, so stay tuned!
I will of course keep blogging here, so stay tuned!
Saturday, 1 October 2016
Let's try this again: Part two
(TW: Mentions of suicide, self-harm, and abortion)
On Wednesday, I had my phone assessment with the Primary Care Mental Health team. I was really nervous on the day, and was watching the clock. The more I waited, the more nervous I got, and the more shaky I was when the call finally came. In order to prepare for my assessment, I'd gathered together all my paperwork from previous assessments and appointments. I wanted to be as prepared as possible so that I wouldn't miss anything out during the assessment. I completely overwhelmed myself, however.
Although I was extremely anxious when answering the phone, I was very glad to have the opportunity to be assessed again and talk through the things I'd been struggling with. The therapist began the assessment by asking me what sort of problems had brought me to contact mental health services this time. I found it hard to know where to start. I had so much going on in my head that I don't think I made much sense at first. I tried to prioritise the main things that I needed help with; which included how easily overwhelmed I was getting, things from the past that needed addressing, how my anxiety seemed to be worse, and the recent breakdown I had. I told him that I'd been through CBT a few times in the past and found that it didn't help much. I said that it didn't seem to fit my problems, as I wasn't able to talk about certain things in the past that affected how I am now. The therapist said that there were different types of CBT, and some did consider the past when attempting to help with the problems that the person has right now. He told me not to completely shut myself off from the idea of CBT. I reluctantly said that I would keep an open mind, but that other therapies that have been suggested to me by my last therapist and my psychiatrist were EMDR and Psychodynamic therapy. This therapist said to me that there were other therapies we could consider if I found that CBT still wasn't working for me. One therapy he mentioned was a person-centred one. He gave a brief description of what that therapy entailed, and said that this would include going through things in the past and discussing how they affected how I see the world now. I said that this sounded like the type of therapy that may suit me a little more.
He wanted to know how long I'd had symptoms of Anxiety, Depression, and OCD. He also wanted to know the obsessions and compulsions I had now and in the past. Although I was diagnosed as an adult, I'd realised that I'd had symptoms pretty much since the start of primary school. He asked (sensitively of course) what I thought had led to this. Although I struggled a lot, and was in tears for most of it, I just about managed to tell him about the bullying, and the termination I had during my first year of university. He was very patient, understanding, and non-judgmental. He gave me time to talk about what I needed to, and was kind when my mind would go blank & it took me a while to remember what I wanted to say. After this, he gave me a brief analysis of what he thought were my main things that I needed help with.
Next came the necessary, but frustrating part of the assessment; the questionnaires. He admitted that he hated them too. I guess they have to quantify some things, to see how severely a client is affected by their mental health problems. It's just such a restrictive set of questionnaires/ I may meet the criteria for Anxiety and Depression, but if there are any other mental health problems, that could be identified by asking other questions, I don't have that access to those questions.
I may have described these questionnaires before, but the first one I had was the PHQ-9 . This is to test for Depression, and the severity of it. For each question, there is a score between 0 and 3. 0 means "not at all" and 3 means "nearly every day". When responding, you focus on how often you've been experiencing (the things stated in the question) in the last two weeks.
For this questionnaire, you have a score out of 27. My score was 24; which places me in the severe category. The therapist also had to assess my risk of attempting suicide. I told him that although I frequently had thoughts, and sometimes strong urges, I'm unlikely to actively plan or carry them out because of my cat and my parents. I forgot to mention about my regular self-harming, but I guess this is something I can talk about during therapy sessions.
The second questionnaire was the GAD-7 . This tests for Generalised Anxiety Disorder and the severity of it. Similarly to the PHQ-9, there is a score between 0 and 3 for each question. Again, 0 means "not at all" and 3 means "nearly every day", and you are asked to consider how you've felt in the last two weeks.
For this questionnaire, you have a score out of 21. My score was 18; which places me in the severe category.
The third questionnaire focused on phobias. For each types of phobias described, you give a score between 0 and 8 to state to what extent you would avoid various situations because of it. A lot of my fears involve loss of control; for example, losing control of my bladder in a public place, having a panic attack etc. 0 means you wouldn't avoid the situation, 8 means you would always avoid that situation based on the phobias mentioned.
Once these had been completed, the therapist discussed with me what the next steps would be. He said that he believed I should give CBT another go, at least to tackle my symptoms of OCD. He did say that I could have person-centred therapy instead, if I still find the CBT unhelpful. I reluctantly agreed to this. At least I can have access to other therapies, instead of it being CBT or nothing. He said the wait is likely to be around 10 weeks, as the waiting list is long. I knew to expect this anyway. Before we ended the call, he made sure that I knew who to contact if I do become actively suicidal. These were the Out of Hours team, and Samaritans.
I do feel a little more hopeful about this mental health team, but we'll have to see how therapy goes.
On Wednesday, I had my phone assessment with the Primary Care Mental Health team. I was really nervous on the day, and was watching the clock. The more I waited, the more nervous I got, and the more shaky I was when the call finally came. In order to prepare for my assessment, I'd gathered together all my paperwork from previous assessments and appointments. I wanted to be as prepared as possible so that I wouldn't miss anything out during the assessment. I completely overwhelmed myself, however.
Although I was extremely anxious when answering the phone, I was very glad to have the opportunity to be assessed again and talk through the things I'd been struggling with. The therapist began the assessment by asking me what sort of problems had brought me to contact mental health services this time. I found it hard to know where to start. I had so much going on in my head that I don't think I made much sense at first. I tried to prioritise the main things that I needed help with; which included how easily overwhelmed I was getting, things from the past that needed addressing, how my anxiety seemed to be worse, and the recent breakdown I had. I told him that I'd been through CBT a few times in the past and found that it didn't help much. I said that it didn't seem to fit my problems, as I wasn't able to talk about certain things in the past that affected how I am now. The therapist said that there were different types of CBT, and some did consider the past when attempting to help with the problems that the person has right now. He told me not to completely shut myself off from the idea of CBT. I reluctantly said that I would keep an open mind, but that other therapies that have been suggested to me by my last therapist and my psychiatrist were EMDR and Psychodynamic therapy. This therapist said to me that there were other therapies we could consider if I found that CBT still wasn't working for me. One therapy he mentioned was a person-centred one. He gave a brief description of what that therapy entailed, and said that this would include going through things in the past and discussing how they affected how I see the world now. I said that this sounded like the type of therapy that may suit me a little more.
He wanted to know how long I'd had symptoms of Anxiety, Depression, and OCD. He also wanted to know the obsessions and compulsions I had now and in the past. Although I was diagnosed as an adult, I'd realised that I'd had symptoms pretty much since the start of primary school. He asked (sensitively of course) what I thought had led to this. Although I struggled a lot, and was in tears for most of it, I just about managed to tell him about the bullying, and the termination I had during my first year of university. He was very patient, understanding, and non-judgmental. He gave me time to talk about what I needed to, and was kind when my mind would go blank & it took me a while to remember what I wanted to say. After this, he gave me a brief analysis of what he thought were my main things that I needed help with.
Next came the necessary, but frustrating part of the assessment; the questionnaires. He admitted that he hated them too. I guess they have to quantify some things, to see how severely a client is affected by their mental health problems. It's just such a restrictive set of questionnaires/ I may meet the criteria for Anxiety and Depression, but if there are any other mental health problems, that could be identified by asking other questions, I don't have that access to those questions.
I may have described these questionnaires before, but the first one I had was the PHQ-9 . This is to test for Depression, and the severity of it. For each question, there is a score between 0 and 3. 0 means "not at all" and 3 means "nearly every day". When responding, you focus on how often you've been experiencing (the things stated in the question) in the last two weeks.
For this questionnaire, you have a score out of 27. My score was 24; which places me in the severe category. The therapist also had to assess my risk of attempting suicide. I told him that although I frequently had thoughts, and sometimes strong urges, I'm unlikely to actively plan or carry them out because of my cat and my parents. I forgot to mention about my regular self-harming, but I guess this is something I can talk about during therapy sessions.
The second questionnaire was the GAD-7 . This tests for Generalised Anxiety Disorder and the severity of it. Similarly to the PHQ-9, there is a score between 0 and 3 for each question. Again, 0 means "not at all" and 3 means "nearly every day", and you are asked to consider how you've felt in the last two weeks.
For this questionnaire, you have a score out of 21. My score was 18; which places me in the severe category.
The third questionnaire focused on phobias. For each types of phobias described, you give a score between 0 and 8 to state to what extent you would avoid various situations because of it. A lot of my fears involve loss of control; for example, losing control of my bladder in a public place, having a panic attack etc. 0 means you wouldn't avoid the situation, 8 means you would always avoid that situation based on the phobias mentioned.
Once these had been completed, the therapist discussed with me what the next steps would be. He said that he believed I should give CBT another go, at least to tackle my symptoms of OCD. He did say that I could have person-centred therapy instead, if I still find the CBT unhelpful. I reluctantly agreed to this. At least I can have access to other therapies, instead of it being CBT or nothing. He said the wait is likely to be around 10 weeks, as the waiting list is long. I knew to expect this anyway. Before we ended the call, he made sure that I knew who to contact if I do become actively suicidal. These were the Out of Hours team, and Samaritans.
I do feel a little more hopeful about this mental health team, but we'll have to see how therapy goes.
Monday, 26 September 2016
Let's try this again.
After months and months of avoiding mental health services, and one GP appointment that I got too ill to follow up, I'm finally asking for help again.
It's been a mixture of reasons really. Fibromyalgia flare ups, helping my parents through various things, feeling I don't deserve help, and being too anxious to use the phone (you have to ring up and self refer to the Primary Care team).
It took a breakdown in front of my mum to push me to ask for help. It was mum who got in touch with the GP and then the mental health team to get me to stop avoiding this. I've been getting close to crisis point recently so of course it's important I get some sort of support. I've bottled up so much (and 'coping' by self harming) because I didn't want to worry my parents and I didn't want to bring any attention to myself. I knew it wasn't a healthy thing to do, but I felt that I had to do it.
After a very nervous wait, I had a callback from the Primary Care mental health team earlier today. I was shaking the whole time, but managed to give them the details they needed (contact details, diagnoses, previous therapies, demographic questions etc). They asked if I was suicidal/had plans too, and gave me some helpline numbers. I don't know if I'll manage to ring if I'm in crisis (it's scary enough even on good days!) but at least I know who to contact.
So, the next step is a phone assessment this Wednesday. It's been a while since I've had a mental health assessment, so I'm glad it'll happen even if I'm really nervous about it being over the phone. The person on the phone today was really friendly and patient with me though, and I hope the person I speak with next is the same.
My next post should be much sooner than usual, and a lot longer than this one! I'll be talking about the assessment and what the next step will be.
It's been a mixture of reasons really. Fibromyalgia flare ups, helping my parents through various things, feeling I don't deserve help, and being too anxious to use the phone (you have to ring up and self refer to the Primary Care team).
It took a breakdown in front of my mum to push me to ask for help. It was mum who got in touch with the GP and then the mental health team to get me to stop avoiding this. I've been getting close to crisis point recently so of course it's important I get some sort of support. I've bottled up so much (and 'coping' by self harming) because I didn't want to worry my parents and I didn't want to bring any attention to myself. I knew it wasn't a healthy thing to do, but I felt that I had to do it.
After a very nervous wait, I had a callback from the Primary Care mental health team earlier today. I was shaking the whole time, but managed to give them the details they needed (contact details, diagnoses, previous therapies, demographic questions etc). They asked if I was suicidal/had plans too, and gave me some helpline numbers. I don't know if I'll manage to ring if I'm in crisis (it's scary enough even on good days!) but at least I know who to contact.
So, the next step is a phone assessment this Wednesday. It's been a while since I've had a mental health assessment, so I'm glad it'll happen even if I'm really nervous about it being over the phone. The person on the phone today was really friendly and patient with me though, and I hope the person I speak with next is the same.
My next post should be much sooner than usual, and a lot longer than this one! I'll be talking about the assessment and what the next step will be.
Sunday, 28 August 2016
I hate my skin.
TW: This post includes details of self harm. Please take care reading it.
It's got to a point where I don't just use my fingers, I use pins as well. I've come to realise that this has become a form of self harm. Although it hasn't required medical treatment, I've caused myself to bleed a fair amount, and have needed to use plasters. Small parts of my body have reduced/no feeling now as well.
I've admitted (some of) this to my parents, and think it has worried them. I try to conceal the wounds and make excuses for why I've been out of the room for so long. It is something I guess I feel ashamed of, but the more I hate myself for it, the more I do it!
I've been trying very very hard to reduce how often I do this and have so far managed up to a day with no picking. I just about managed yesterday, and I'm trying to make it two days without picking. It is so difficult, because I'm having to try to ignore those intrusive thoughts and urges. I'm trying to find ways to distract myself, by keeping myself as busy as I can. This of course isn't helping my physical health, but sometimes I have to compromise in order to help my mental health a bit.
A while back, I bought one of those fidget toys. It was some little wooden blocks strung together with elasticated string. You could make different shapes by twisting and moving the blocks. Unfortunately, I found it didn't really help. It kept my hands busy for a bit, but it just wasn't the same. I wasn't "fixing" anything, just adjusting it.
I've tried adult colouring books too. It helps a little, and can be a good distraction sometimes, but it doesn't require much focus so doesn't really help keep my mind off intrusive thoughts and urges.
In order to calm my skin down a little, I've used ice cubes on the worst marks. Although it took some of the redness away, I ended up using this as a way to harm myself; by holding the icecubes on my skin until the pain was too hard to bear.
At the moment, I'm using cross stitch to distract myself and keep my hands busy. I struggle with concentration, but on my not-so-bad days, I can focus on this and push those picking urges back a little. I game a lot as well; casual gaming when I can't concentrate for too long.
I'm feeling so restless right now, but I'm trying to hold it together and not give in. Can I make it to two days without picking? Wish me luck, I need it!
Friday, 29 July 2016
A Review of Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion (Sponsored Blog Post)
Disclaimer:
This is a sponsored post. I
have been given this product as part of a product review through the
Chronic Illness Bloggers network. Although the product was a gift, all opinions in this review
remain my own and I was in no way influenced by the company.
My pains have been so bad recently, and noticeably so in my knees. I've been on Tramulief Slow Release (100 mg) for a little while now and, although it really does help & lasts once it kicks in, it doesn't give the quick relief I need for my joints. I also find it doesn't really help with the stiffness either.
I've tried topical treatments in the past and have found no relief whatsoever. A lot of them just give a warming feeling and smell strongly of chemicals. I'd heard of the benefits of CBD (Cannabidiol) oil, but was unsure whether it'd be worth the money. I'd already spent a lot on treatments that didn't work. When I was given the opportunity to try a new lotion containing CBD oil, I (figuratively!) jumped at the chance and straightaway accepted. I am so glad I did! This is my review of Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion.
Fay Farms have introduced a new product to their range. Fay Farms Rejuvenation lotion is a very natural product; combining herbs and essential oils for relief of joint and muscular pain. Its ingredients include magnesium, hemp oil, valerian, turmeric, and 200 mg CBD (cannabidiol) oil; which are known for their anti inflammatory and relaxation properties.
Packaging
Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion arrived in a fairly large but slim bottle with a pump lid for easy application. It looks very different to other products in my bathroom, so stands out easily. The gold label and beautiful detail on the front give Rejuvenation Lotion a premium look.
The Scent
It has quite a strong, but fairly pleasant smell. Ingredients in this product (such as jojoba and vanilla) are easily identified & give a natural scent to Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion. The smell lasts a little longer than I would like, but does eventually fade.
The Feel
This lotion has a lovely thick, creamy texture; which spreads well over the affected area. A sufficient amount of the product can be obtained from one dispensing. The pains in my knees have been particularly bad recently, so I decided to try the product on them for now. It takes longer to absorb than I would like, but does not tend to leave residue on clothes, as far as I have found.
Is it Effective?
Personally, I've found it very helpful! This came as a surprise to me, as topical treatments don't tend to help my pains. I'm very glad I tried it however. It doesn't take too long for the effects to kick in and it happens gradually. I found it relaxed my muscles just enough, and eased the stiffness quite quickly. I'm able to move with a little more ease; which is such a relief. I will be very likely to purchase Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion when this bottle runs out.
Give it a try!
If you would like to try Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion, you can find it here . You can also find other Fay Farms products on the CBD products page of the Canna Tree House website.
Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion page - https://www.cannatreehouse.com/products/the-fay-farm-rejuvenation-cbd-lotion
Canna Tree House CBD products page - https://www.cannatreehouse.com/collections/cbd-products
Friday, 3 June 2016
So, what now?
Since I moved house (end of last year!) I've been avoiding sorting out referrals; mainly mental health ones. There are various reasons for this, such as the exhaustion from the move, and other things taking priority, but I've been avoiding delving into all my mental health problems.
I've made some progress on my own, but I keep going back to square one, and I need some proper support. As you may know I did have a psychiatrist, and was due to see her soon. Her secretary said she would call back to arrange a home visit so I could then be transferred to the mental health team in the area I live now. It all sounded very simple and at the time I felt relieved. After weeks of no reply from secretary or psychiatrist, I chased them up and they'd now decided that I would have to just go to my GP and get referred to the mental health team where I live now. There would be no appointment for a meds review or to transfer me.
I felt as if I'd been forgotten about. To be honest, I've felt like that a lot of times with mental health services. I'm sort of left to my own devices, with no continuous support (even though I have frequent suicidal thoughts and self harm regularly). I could've been a real risk to myself, and no one would've known.
Anyway, I have approached my GP about referral to my local mental health services. I told her that the whole thing had been really confusing and I didn't know if I'd be getting the therapy that had been suggested. Unfortunately the GP didn't know much about different therapies, so she upped my Sertraline dose; based on the fact that my Depression score was still high (21 I think?). It turns out that I can self refer to the primary mental healthcare team; who will then refer me to the appropriate service. I have a feeling they'll just try and get me to go through CBT all over again. If they do, I'm very tempted to tell them to forget it. That may be the depression talking, but I'm so fed up of getting so far, being built up with promises of various services, and then it all being taken away.
I may have mentioned this before, but I've been really confused about what my actual "official" diagnoses are. My GP showed me a letter from my medical notes (possibly the psychiatrist one?) and I noticed it said Moderate Depression, Anxiety, & Agoraphobia. The contents of the letter mentioned "symptoms of OCD" too. I didn't get chance to see more of the letter than that, but it kind of annoyed me that I'd been told one thing (i.e. the psych agreeing that I do have OCD) and another thing had been written down. It makes me wonder if other things I've been told, haven't made their way into my notes either? For example, the two therapies that were suggested to me (EMDR, & Psychodynamic therapy). I really want to get a copy of my medical records, but keep forgetting to ask. I just want things cleared up! I feel as if I'm being kept out of the loop so to speak. It reminds me of the time I'd been under the impression I had an M.E. diagnosis, but my notes said "Anxiety Disorder".
Back to the point; self referral. I have to ring up to self refer, so it's going to take more time for me to build up the courage for that. It's taken long enough for me to be completely honest and open with mental health staff, so it feels as if I'm back to square one!
Have you found yourself very lost with mental health services, and whether things suggested to you (diagnoses, therapies etc) were actually written down in your medical notes? I'd be very interested to hear how similar my experience is to others'.
I've made some progress on my own, but I keep going back to square one, and I need some proper support. As you may know I did have a psychiatrist, and was due to see her soon. Her secretary said she would call back to arrange a home visit so I could then be transferred to the mental health team in the area I live now. It all sounded very simple and at the time I felt relieved. After weeks of no reply from secretary or psychiatrist, I chased them up and they'd now decided that I would have to just go to my GP and get referred to the mental health team where I live now. There would be no appointment for a meds review or to transfer me.
I felt as if I'd been forgotten about. To be honest, I've felt like that a lot of times with mental health services. I'm sort of left to my own devices, with no continuous support (even though I have frequent suicidal thoughts and self harm regularly). I could've been a real risk to myself, and no one would've known.
Anyway, I have approached my GP about referral to my local mental health services. I told her that the whole thing had been really confusing and I didn't know if I'd be getting the therapy that had been suggested. Unfortunately the GP didn't know much about different therapies, so she upped my Sertraline dose; based on the fact that my Depression score was still high (21 I think?). It turns out that I can self refer to the primary mental healthcare team; who will then refer me to the appropriate service. I have a feeling they'll just try and get me to go through CBT all over again. If they do, I'm very tempted to tell them to forget it. That may be the depression talking, but I'm so fed up of getting so far, being built up with promises of various services, and then it all being taken away.
I may have mentioned this before, but I've been really confused about what my actual "official" diagnoses are. My GP showed me a letter from my medical notes (possibly the psychiatrist one?) and I noticed it said Moderate Depression, Anxiety, & Agoraphobia. The contents of the letter mentioned "symptoms of OCD" too. I didn't get chance to see more of the letter than that, but it kind of annoyed me that I'd been told one thing (i.e. the psych agreeing that I do have OCD) and another thing had been written down. It makes me wonder if other things I've been told, haven't made their way into my notes either? For example, the two therapies that were suggested to me (EMDR, & Psychodynamic therapy). I really want to get a copy of my medical records, but keep forgetting to ask. I just want things cleared up! I feel as if I'm being kept out of the loop so to speak. It reminds me of the time I'd been under the impression I had an M.E. diagnosis, but my notes said "Anxiety Disorder".
Back to the point; self referral. I have to ring up to self refer, so it's going to take more time for me to build up the courage for that. It's taken long enough for me to be completely honest and open with mental health staff, so it feels as if I'm back to square one!
Have you found yourself very lost with mental health services, and whether things suggested to you (diagnoses, therapies etc) were actually written down in your medical notes? I'd be very interested to hear how similar my experience is to others'.
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