I've now come to the end of my therapy sessions (If I remember correctly, my last one was 6th July?) & have been meaning to write about this for a little while. I've not really had the motivation to though, and have mainly been pretty quiet.
I feel like this was the right time for this round of CBT to end; as my therapist had done what she can and I guess I'd made enough progress for that point in time. It was more the cognitive side of things, than the behavioural though. She mentioned that, as well as CBT, she'd been using ACT on me (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy). I did feel like this round of therapy had been very different to the previous two (not just because I preferred this therapist), so it didn't surprise me to hear that it hadn't just been CBT that we were doing.
I found that this therapist was very patient with me, but also encouraged/guided me to try out the different CBT etc tools. There were times when I found it difficult to put across how I'd been feeling, why I found some tasks difficult (e.g. monitoring moods, because my moods change so suddenly). It took her explaining, for me to realise that I had in fact made progress though. It was a relief to know that therapy had actually made some difference, no matter how small!
The progress that I've noticed are that I'm not getting suicidal urges as frequently, even though I have suicidal thoughts nearly every day. I've noticed this since being on the Sertraline, but I think the support from my therapist has helped as well. She never pressured me to do anything. She didn't dictate tasks to me; instead, she suggested things & we discussed together. I found that we had a lot in common too, so most of the time, I felt she understood me.
Another bit of progress I've noticed, is that (at least sometimes!) I don't feel quite as guilty about having time to myself. I still have a lot of times where I do feel guilty, & also feel very responsible if I don't think I've been there for friends enough. I guess this ties into my self-loathing. I'm forever thinking that I'm this terrible person, who does everything for self gain, is self-obsessed, & is tricking everyone into believing that I'm nice. It's as if I'm scared that one day, everyone will see the "real" me. I even have very vivid nightmares about it. I get very paranoid about this too, & find that I jump to this conclusion if no one has replied to my messages. I ask for reassurance a lot, & also hate myself for needing it, as I think it makes me very clingy & I'll lose my friends if I carry on.
I still have so far to go with the cognitive side of CBT, it's just not possible to tackle it all in one round! And I've barely even touched the surface of the behavioural side, who knows how long that will take!
Back to the therapy session. My therapist gave me a blueprint to fill in with her, and also discussed a management plan with me. I liked how she gave me the time to go through how I think therapy had gone, what I'd learnt, what progress I think I'd made, what concerns I may have, and what to do if I find I relapse. It gave me a bit of structure, which was what I needed.
I also mentioned the trauma I went through, when I had the abortion. I still find I get triggered even by the mention of it, & I really need to get to a point where I can tolerate hearing/seeing mentions & conversations about it. I'd like to get to a point where I can talk about it more. Maybe other people could relate to how I felt? Anyway, the therapist told me that she was training in EMDR and that she could add this to my management plan, for when I'm ready to face it. I think it won't be for a while yet, but it's good to know that, at least for one thing, I can get help other than generic CBT.
Finally, she told me that she'd like me to have at least a 4 month break from therapy, and then (when I'm ready) to get referred to her again, so that we could start on the behavioural side of CBT. She also reassured me that if I felt I needed support sooner, I could get referred whenever I needed to. This was reassuring, because I always find endings very hard, especially if the person I've seen has been helpful and supportive. Although right now I'm ok with stopping therapy for a bit, that's mainly because I can't see how it could help much more at the moment. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm too well to need it. I wish I could have some ongoing support.I still have a psychiatrist appointment coming up (the last one had to be rearranged, due to a family emergency), but this will purely be to talk about medication.
I think I am (sort of) safe at the moment, but I know that I react to things quickly, and extremely. At some point soon, I could be getting a letter to reapply for ESA, & the thought of this is really terrifying to me; especially as we are now under a Conservative government (who would love nothing more than to take away the vital support than disabled people need). I worry that mentioning any sort of progress (no matter how insignificant in terms of actually functioning better) will score me 0 points in the work capability assessment.
I should be pleased about any progress I make, but instead I end up worried that this progress will be over-exaggerated & used against me to take away the support I need. If this happens, I know that I won't be safe. I am not well enough to work. If I was, I'd be looking by now! As blunt as this sounds (and I don't think my parents feel this way about me), I feel as if I will just be an extra cost to my parents if I lose my financial support. It helps me pay bills, & ensures that I can at least begin to reimburse my dad for the days he has to take off to care for my mum and I. Without that support, I worry that we won't be able to pay our bills. I dread to think what could happen.
I wish I could end this post on a more positive note, but this is the stark reality.
Friday, 24 July 2015
Friday, 26 June 2015
Past Experiences of Working Whilst Sick & Disabled
I became ill with Fibromyalgia in my 2nd year of university. My first blog post gives a bit of background as to when, how it started, experiences with doctors etc
As I got more ill, I struggled more with getting to lectures, but still wanted to take on work. I didn't know anything about chronic illnesses & was hoping that this would be a short term thing that could be fixed, so I could get on with my life. I think I thought I could push through it too.
After a lot of searching, I got a job at a jewellery store. I was undiagnosed at the time, but doctors were considering hyperthyroidism, as I had high TSH. My T4 was normal however, so this result wasn't seen as significant enough. I didn't declare my illness at first because I wasn't diagnosed. I thought that I wouldn't be taken seriously, as I would only be able to say "I've had X symptoms" rather than "I've been diagnosed with X". I had to call in sick a few times, and tried to explain what was going on but found that my illnesses were ignored. I was treated as if I was skiving off work. The truth was that every time I went into work, I was in considerable amounts of pain, I was extremely dizzy, nauseous & exhausted (even before I started my shift!). I tried my absolute hardest to push down all these symptoms though, because I worried about losing my job. I didn't know my rights when it came to work. I didn't know a thing about disability discrimination either.
I was on a 2 month probation with this job. Because I was ill so often, I was frequently threatened with the sack. The attitude I received from my boss (and some colleagues) was horrible. I didn't feel I could confide in anyone & it really felt as if they were trying to push me out. I quit in the end. It wasn't worth risking my health for; especially as I was struggling with my university course as well.
After graduating, I got a temporary agency job with a debt management company (never again would I work for a company like that). At the time, I had been diagnosed with M.E. I didn't declare my diagnosis until the first time I had to phone in sick. The way it worked with that company was, even if you'd only had the one day off, you had to meet with a person from the agency at a certain time to explain why you'd been off. I explained about my illness & recent diagnosis, but can't remember it being considered much. I didn't know anything about reasonable adjustments, & wasn't sure what sorts of adjustments would actually help my illnesses/disabilities. The place had decent chairs and lifts (so equipment wasn't a problem as such). It was the pain, fatigue, dizziness & nausea that affected my work. Having an overactive bladder (although not diagnosed at that time) also made meetings very difficult to concentrate in. In the end, I got the sack for not hitting targets (the productivity targets were ridiculous, & increased every week. After being in that particular department for one month, I was expected to be at the same level as someone who'd worked there for years!).
The next job was one I enjoyed the most. I worked through an agency, as an oncology research assistant. I realised that I was struggling, but I wanted this job so much that I forced myself to carry on anyway. I found some members of staff understanding, others not so much. My manager encouraged me to take days off when she noticed I was feeling more ill, but I felt that she didn't have faith in me as an employee & I knew that she wouldn't want to extend my temporary contract. I wish I could've done better, but my illness was getting worse & I just wasn't able to be at my best.
My last job was a short temporary one (direct with employer this time though!). I found I was treated as part of the team, but my illnesses were again mostly forgotten/ignored, until they noticed that my productivity had gone down. I did explain what was going on, and they listened a bit more then (even asking if I needed reasonable adjustments) but again, I didn't know what to ask for.
I wish there were more information/advice/guides about reasonable adjustments. It seems that people are expected to know what to ask for (when it comes to disability accommodations in the workplace) & they have to self advocate. Dealing with long term illnesses and disabilities (treatment, management, appointments etc) is difficult enough, & takes up enough energy, so can you imagine how exhausting/daunting having to self advocate is, on top of all that?!
More workplaces need to be understanding, & knowledgeable about disability & the kinds of reasonable adjustments that could be needed. It should be made easier to ask for adjustments. There needs to be clearer information available, & it needs to feel like a collaboration, not a confrontation.
As I got more ill, I struggled more with getting to lectures, but still wanted to take on work. I didn't know anything about chronic illnesses & was hoping that this would be a short term thing that could be fixed, so I could get on with my life. I think I thought I could push through it too.
After a lot of searching, I got a job at a jewellery store. I was undiagnosed at the time, but doctors were considering hyperthyroidism, as I had high TSH. My T4 was normal however, so this result wasn't seen as significant enough. I didn't declare my illness at first because I wasn't diagnosed. I thought that I wouldn't be taken seriously, as I would only be able to say "I've had X symptoms" rather than "I've been diagnosed with X". I had to call in sick a few times, and tried to explain what was going on but found that my illnesses were ignored. I was treated as if I was skiving off work. The truth was that every time I went into work, I was in considerable amounts of pain, I was extremely dizzy, nauseous & exhausted (even before I started my shift!). I tried my absolute hardest to push down all these symptoms though, because I worried about losing my job. I didn't know my rights when it came to work. I didn't know a thing about disability discrimination either.
I was on a 2 month probation with this job. Because I was ill so often, I was frequently threatened with the sack. The attitude I received from my boss (and some colleagues) was horrible. I didn't feel I could confide in anyone & it really felt as if they were trying to push me out. I quit in the end. It wasn't worth risking my health for; especially as I was struggling with my university course as well.
After graduating, I got a temporary agency job with a debt management company (never again would I work for a company like that). At the time, I had been diagnosed with M.E. I didn't declare my diagnosis until the first time I had to phone in sick. The way it worked with that company was, even if you'd only had the one day off, you had to meet with a person from the agency at a certain time to explain why you'd been off. I explained about my illness & recent diagnosis, but can't remember it being considered much. I didn't know anything about reasonable adjustments, & wasn't sure what sorts of adjustments would actually help my illnesses/disabilities. The place had decent chairs and lifts (so equipment wasn't a problem as such). It was the pain, fatigue, dizziness & nausea that affected my work. Having an overactive bladder (although not diagnosed at that time) also made meetings very difficult to concentrate in. In the end, I got the sack for not hitting targets (the productivity targets were ridiculous, & increased every week. After being in that particular department for one month, I was expected to be at the same level as someone who'd worked there for years!).
The next job was one I enjoyed the most. I worked through an agency, as an oncology research assistant. I realised that I was struggling, but I wanted this job so much that I forced myself to carry on anyway. I found some members of staff understanding, others not so much. My manager encouraged me to take days off when she noticed I was feeling more ill, but I felt that she didn't have faith in me as an employee & I knew that she wouldn't want to extend my temporary contract. I wish I could've done better, but my illness was getting worse & I just wasn't able to be at my best.
My last job was a short temporary one (direct with employer this time though!). I found I was treated as part of the team, but my illnesses were again mostly forgotten/ignored, until they noticed that my productivity had gone down. I did explain what was going on, and they listened a bit more then (even asking if I needed reasonable adjustments) but again, I didn't know what to ask for.
I wish there were more information/advice/guides about reasonable adjustments. It seems that people are expected to know what to ask for (when it comes to disability accommodations in the workplace) & they have to self advocate. Dealing with long term illnesses and disabilities (treatment, management, appointments etc) is difficult enough, & takes up enough energy, so can you imagine how exhausting/daunting having to self advocate is, on top of all that?!
More workplaces need to be understanding, & knowledgeable about disability & the kinds of reasonable adjustments that could be needed. It should be made easier to ask for adjustments. There needs to be clearer information available, & it needs to feel like a collaboration, not a confrontation.
Wednesday, 17 June 2015
Finally!
If you've been following my blog for a while, you've probably seen me mention my hypermobility & problems with my left knee either dislocating or subluxating. I've had this for a while and doctors have either brushed it off, or given me simple strengthening exercises to do that have proven pretty useless.
I'd learnt about Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hypermobility type) from friends with it, and they agreed I probably have it too. The more I read up on the symptoms, assessed (and reassessed, and re-re-assessed!) myself with the Beighton score, the more I thought I really could have it. I spoke to doctors about it, but they held misconceptions about the condition & believed that it always had to run in families & always had to be very severe. My hypermobility wasn't considered *enough* to warrant diagnosis, & the other symptoms were attributed to my Fibromyalgia (regardless of the fact that I told them I'd had this before the fibro symptoms started).
Last month (after some dislocations that were a lot harder to put back in) I decided to speak to the GP again about my knee, & tell her that it had been getting worse. She referred me to the Orthopaedic Clinical Assessment Service at a local hospital. I had my appointment yesterday (15th) & saw a Specialist Physiotherapist. As I knew I'd be examined too, I made sure that I mentioned problems with my other joints that I've had for years, and also things in the past that I thought could be connected (My jaw used to dislocate when I was a young teen. I was referred to a Maxillofacial doctor who sent me for an Xray, but my jaw was back in place at the time so nothing was found! I also have very flexible ankles that like to give way suddenly, and I used to sprain my ankles and wrists very easily).
After a few questions (medical history, family history, medication, previous investigations or physio etc) the physiotherapist asked to examine me. I was embarrassed about getting my (extremely pale, veiny, bruised, scarred, stretch marked) legs out, but of course he needed to see for himself what was going on. He got me to stand up and push my knees back as far as they can comfortably go. He also asked me to lie on the bed, bend and stretch out each leg so he could examine my joints, muscle strength etc (so many examinations, I couldn't explain them fully!) I'd mentioned my hips being very loose too, so he examined them.
As he moved my legs about to check for problems, my knees and hips let out so many very loud cracks! A particularly impressive one from my right hip had him jumping a mile! I couldn't help but laugh when I saw his face. He could actually feel my hips and knees popping out then going back in. Constantly clicking joints & extra bendiness is my "normal" though, I suppose. Until I heard about hypermobility, I just assumed everyone was like this!
The appointment went much better than I expected! I went in, just expecting to be told my knee was a bit weak or something, but I barely had to explain anything as, when I was examined, the Physio suddenly piped up "Has your GP ever diagnosed you with Hypermobility Syndrome?".
I explained about my problems with getting doctors to believe me, & how I'd tried the Beighton test a few times. He got me to do that test again, and nodded along as I showed him. The final part of that test is to see if your palms touch the floor when you stand up and try to touch your toes. Thankfully my back wasn't too bad that day, so I was able to attempt that. With legs together, I could get my fingertips on the floor but no further. He asked me to put my legs slightly apart and try again. That time, my palms did touch the floor (just). As my legs were apart though, I'm not sure if that counts. He didn't say what my score was, but I'm guessing it must've been high.
Finally, he asked me to walk for a few steps (without my stick), so he could see if there were any problems with my gait etc. Thankfully that was the last task, as I was dizzy, exhausted, overheated, in lots of pain, and basically needed to sit down!
He concluded that I did have Hypermobility Syndrome (he didn't say EDS hypermobility type specifically but I think this is considered the same thing?) my left kneecap dislocates, he noticed my hips were quite loose & that I tend to walk with my toes facing inwards; which is what could be causing my knee problems. He also said that surgery on my knee was an option, but he wouldn't recommend it as, because I was hypermobile, it could make things worse. He is referring me for a long programme of Physiotherapy & if needed afterwards, I could be re-referred to him & may need to have special insoles to help with my walking.
So I guess I'm an "official" Bendy now! It really felt so good to be believed & to actually have symptoms show, rather than everything being based on what I say! The physio is writing a letter to my GP with the diagnosis, his findings etc. I'm sure I'll be blogging about my experiences with this physiotherapy programme too.
I do want to speak to my GP again pretty soon, as I've had some horrible pain flare ups recently & today I was doubled over. I should've rang, but surgery was closed by the time I realised I needed to ask for pain relief. I'm not even sure what meds could be suggested! Management is important, but I really do need to have something to take as needed (at least!) for the severe pain. I can't see how I could effectively manage my symptoms when the pain restricts me so much & causes me to flare up so easily. Maybe this latest diagnosis will help her to see this?
I should add some sort of About Me page to this blog, but here are my diagnoses for now:
- Fibromyalgia
- Hypermobility Syndrome (EDS?)
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome
- Overactive Bladder Syndrome
- Clinical Depression
- Generalised Anxiety Disorder
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- Agoraphobia
- Social Anxiety
Phew! I think that's enough for me to cope with. I don't want anything else, thanks!
I'd learnt about Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hypermobility type) from friends with it, and they agreed I probably have it too. The more I read up on the symptoms, assessed (and reassessed, and re-re-assessed!) myself with the Beighton score, the more I thought I really could have it. I spoke to doctors about it, but they held misconceptions about the condition & believed that it always had to run in families & always had to be very severe. My hypermobility wasn't considered *enough* to warrant diagnosis, & the other symptoms were attributed to my Fibromyalgia (regardless of the fact that I told them I'd had this before the fibro symptoms started).
Last month (after some dislocations that were a lot harder to put back in) I decided to speak to the GP again about my knee, & tell her that it had been getting worse. She referred me to the Orthopaedic Clinical Assessment Service at a local hospital. I had my appointment yesterday (15th) & saw a Specialist Physiotherapist. As I knew I'd be examined too, I made sure that I mentioned problems with my other joints that I've had for years, and also things in the past that I thought could be connected (My jaw used to dislocate when I was a young teen. I was referred to a Maxillofacial doctor who sent me for an Xray, but my jaw was back in place at the time so nothing was found! I also have very flexible ankles that like to give way suddenly, and I used to sprain my ankles and wrists very easily).
After a few questions (medical history, family history, medication, previous investigations or physio etc) the physiotherapist asked to examine me. I was embarrassed about getting my (extremely pale, veiny, bruised, scarred, stretch marked) legs out, but of course he needed to see for himself what was going on. He got me to stand up and push my knees back as far as they can comfortably go. He also asked me to lie on the bed, bend and stretch out each leg so he could examine my joints, muscle strength etc (so many examinations, I couldn't explain them fully!) I'd mentioned my hips being very loose too, so he examined them.
As he moved my legs about to check for problems, my knees and hips let out so many very loud cracks! A particularly impressive one from my right hip had him jumping a mile! I couldn't help but laugh when I saw his face. He could actually feel my hips and knees popping out then going back in. Constantly clicking joints & extra bendiness is my "normal" though, I suppose. Until I heard about hypermobility, I just assumed everyone was like this!
The appointment went much better than I expected! I went in, just expecting to be told my knee was a bit weak or something, but I barely had to explain anything as, when I was examined, the Physio suddenly piped up "Has your GP ever diagnosed you with Hypermobility Syndrome?".
I explained about my problems with getting doctors to believe me, & how I'd tried the Beighton test a few times. He got me to do that test again, and nodded along as I showed him. The final part of that test is to see if your palms touch the floor when you stand up and try to touch your toes. Thankfully my back wasn't too bad that day, so I was able to attempt that. With legs together, I could get my fingertips on the floor but no further. He asked me to put my legs slightly apart and try again. That time, my palms did touch the floor (just). As my legs were apart though, I'm not sure if that counts. He didn't say what my score was, but I'm guessing it must've been high.
Finally, he asked me to walk for a few steps (without my stick), so he could see if there were any problems with my gait etc. Thankfully that was the last task, as I was dizzy, exhausted, overheated, in lots of pain, and basically needed to sit down!
He concluded that I did have Hypermobility Syndrome (he didn't say EDS hypermobility type specifically but I think this is considered the same thing?) my left kneecap dislocates, he noticed my hips were quite loose & that I tend to walk with my toes facing inwards; which is what could be causing my knee problems. He also said that surgery on my knee was an option, but he wouldn't recommend it as, because I was hypermobile, it could make things worse. He is referring me for a long programme of Physiotherapy & if needed afterwards, I could be re-referred to him & may need to have special insoles to help with my walking.
So I guess I'm an "official" Bendy now! It really felt so good to be believed & to actually have symptoms show, rather than everything being based on what I say! The physio is writing a letter to my GP with the diagnosis, his findings etc. I'm sure I'll be blogging about my experiences with this physiotherapy programme too.
I do want to speak to my GP again pretty soon, as I've had some horrible pain flare ups recently & today I was doubled over. I should've rang, but surgery was closed by the time I realised I needed to ask for pain relief. I'm not even sure what meds could be suggested! Management is important, but I really do need to have something to take as needed (at least!) for the severe pain. I can't see how I could effectively manage my symptoms when the pain restricts me so much & causes me to flare up so easily. Maybe this latest diagnosis will help her to see this?
I should add some sort of About Me page to this blog, but here are my diagnoses for now:
- Fibromyalgia
- Hypermobility Syndrome (EDS?)
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome
- Overactive Bladder Syndrome
- Clinical Depression
- Generalised Anxiety Disorder
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- Agoraphobia
- Social Anxiety
Phew! I think that's enough for me to cope with. I don't want anything else, thanks!
Friday, 22 May 2015
Progress, hopefully? (Updated)
Progress. I use that word tentatively. Don't get me wrong, of course I'm pleased if I have made any progress! I'm just still not sure if I have, or if I'm just telling the therapist what she wants to hear/complying with therapy tasks. My head's a mess I swear. I've spent so long trying to figure myself out. Why I think the way I do, why I behave the way I do, who I am even. Searching for answers and overthinking every single damn thing.
I'd been trying to do the therapy homework, and use the tools I'd been given/coping techniques etc (thought record, worry tree, relaxation/breathing exercises etc). I felt as if I was failing at everything & it was all my own fault for not trying enough, not being good enough. I never feel as if I'm *anything* enough (if that makes sense?). I really wasn't looking forward to this week's therapy session. I wasn't sure what to tell my therapist, or even discuss with her; apart from the fact that I'd been feeling really really down, I'd self harmed in order to cope, and I felt completely useless; as if I wasn't even worth bothering with.
I was supposed to have a psychiatrist appointment recently, but when I got to the reception desk, I was told that all his appointments had been cancelled & I should've had a letter. I thanked them and left quickly (even though I wanted to ask why they hadn't phoned, like the last time) because the waiting area was busy & I was very nervous. My neighbour had given me a lift, & I'd declined her offer to walk me in, because I wanted to challenge my social anxiety. The letter came later on that day, and now I have to wait until July!
Therapy went a little better than expected. I felt as if all I was doing was moaning to the therapist about things that pissed me off. We discussed things & analysed things together. One particular topic was how I use social media (twitter, mainly). I immerse myself in lots of different topics, I try to keep in touch and updated with friends, I try to be there for as many people as possible & rarely give myself a break (actually, I probably NEVER give myself a proper break). I've been trying to have space from Twitter because I know it can overwhelm me easily. I find it so so hard to stay away from it though. My therapist has been trying to get me to "catch" myself, when I notice something triggering my moods (starting to panic/feel suicidal/dissociating etc) & then either distract myself with something, or do a thought record so that I can monitor my moods & balance my thoughts. I've found it very hard to do, because I seem to have such extreme mood swings & my moods change & worsen so quickly, it's hard to keep up & catch them before they get too bad! I've really been trying though.
She noticed that I've developed checking behaviour when it comes to things like Twitter though. I'll try to "catch" myself when I find being on there getting overwhelming, so I'll leave a message then shut the window down. I'll manage maybe 5 minutes, before I either open the window up again, or go to the app on my phone. I check my notifications, my tweets, messages, people's replies to me over and over again. I have to make sure that what I've said has made sense, I've worded it properly (not in the grammatical sense, but that I've not said the "wrong" thing so that it could be misinterpreted?), I've remembered to reply to people, I've not misinterpreted what they've said (if I get a blunt reply, I instantly think that person hates me). Even if I manage to stop myself from checking for a little longer, it's still constantly on my mind.
So we discussed this, as well as intrusive thoughts, absolute fear of being wrong, the perfectionism, compulsions, other checking behaviours I've had in the past etc and she told me that this definitely sounds like OCD to her. So I think this is her diagnosing me? The more I've thought and read about it, the more I can relate to it though. I know the psychiatrist had previously said that he thinks I just have traits of OCD, but to be honest, I barely said a word in that appointment, & there was a lot I hadn't even realised myself! I feel relieved and validated to get this diagnosis though. Of course I'd much rather not have all these horrible thoughts, and worries, and compulsions, but at least I can put a name to them now! Treatment will be no different of course.
The therapist also said that, in terms of the cognitive side of CBT, she thinks that I've progressed. I've done my best to monitor how I think and feel, & I seem to analyse my own thoughts well, so there's that. If anything, it feels as if this whole round of CBT has been a journey of figuring out that I do in fact have OCD, even if I've not been able to do anything to lessen my symptoms! I have maybe one or two sessions left? She doesn't think an extension is needed this time round, so next session we will be going over a proper finish (I'm not sure what this entails) and also we will be sorting out a relapse plan for me. I've not had one before, and I've felt so lost with what to do, so this relapse plan sounds promising.
She also wants me to have a few months break from therapy (EEP!) to try out the therapy techniques on my own & see how I go. She doesn't think I'm ready to go onto the behavioural part of CBT yet, but I'm to get re-referred to see her when I feel I am ready. She did say that I can contact crisis team if I need to. I feel so disillusioned with crisis team though. I think they take one look at me, and think I'm fine. If anything, going there makes me feel even less safe, because it's the constant realisation that they Will Not Help Me.
I don't want to wait until July to review my dose of the Sertraline (I really don't think I can risk waiting) so I'm going to try to get an appointment with my GP tomorrow (Friday) to see if she will let me increase my dosage. I've also put in a repeat prescription request for Diazepam (prn). If this helps, then I can tell the psychiatrist in July, if not, then at least he knows I've tried & I'll have the opportunity at that appointment to either increase further/go on something else/add something else. We'll just have to wait and see. I just really really hope this next appointment goes well. I'm going to have to make sure that I can get my words out & be completely honest with him, no matter how ridiculous/embarrassed/messed up I might feel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
On a completely different note, my left knee has been popping out again & I've decided to approach the GP about this tomorrow. I'm hoping that she'll refer me, although I'm not sure to which specialist. It needs investigating anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE
I spoke to my GP earlier today, about the Sertraline dose and knee problem specifically. I'm now on 100mg Setraline (as opposed to 50mg) and I've been referred to a specialist Physiotherapist to see what's going on with my knee/what I can do to manage it/if I need to be referred on to an Orthopaedic doctor/surgeon. The GP believes that it's my patella that is dislocating & seems to be getting worse (it has got worse to be honest!) although to me it feels as if the actual joint itself is dislocating. We'll have to see what the physio says though!
I'd been trying to do the therapy homework, and use the tools I'd been given/coping techniques etc (thought record, worry tree, relaxation/breathing exercises etc). I felt as if I was failing at everything & it was all my own fault for not trying enough, not being good enough. I never feel as if I'm *anything* enough (if that makes sense?). I really wasn't looking forward to this week's therapy session. I wasn't sure what to tell my therapist, or even discuss with her; apart from the fact that I'd been feeling really really down, I'd self harmed in order to cope, and I felt completely useless; as if I wasn't even worth bothering with.
I was supposed to have a psychiatrist appointment recently, but when I got to the reception desk, I was told that all his appointments had been cancelled & I should've had a letter. I thanked them and left quickly (even though I wanted to ask why they hadn't phoned, like the last time) because the waiting area was busy & I was very nervous. My neighbour had given me a lift, & I'd declined her offer to walk me in, because I wanted to challenge my social anxiety. The letter came later on that day, and now I have to wait until July!
Therapy went a little better than expected. I felt as if all I was doing was moaning to the therapist about things that pissed me off. We discussed things & analysed things together. One particular topic was how I use social media (twitter, mainly). I immerse myself in lots of different topics, I try to keep in touch and updated with friends, I try to be there for as many people as possible & rarely give myself a break (actually, I probably NEVER give myself a proper break). I've been trying to have space from Twitter because I know it can overwhelm me easily. I find it so so hard to stay away from it though. My therapist has been trying to get me to "catch" myself, when I notice something triggering my moods (starting to panic/feel suicidal/dissociating etc) & then either distract myself with something, or do a thought record so that I can monitor my moods & balance my thoughts. I've found it very hard to do, because I seem to have such extreme mood swings & my moods change & worsen so quickly, it's hard to keep up & catch them before they get too bad! I've really been trying though.
She noticed that I've developed checking behaviour when it comes to things like Twitter though. I'll try to "catch" myself when I find being on there getting overwhelming, so I'll leave a message then shut the window down. I'll manage maybe 5 minutes, before I either open the window up again, or go to the app on my phone. I check my notifications, my tweets, messages, people's replies to me over and over again. I have to make sure that what I've said has made sense, I've worded it properly (not in the grammatical sense, but that I've not said the "wrong" thing so that it could be misinterpreted?), I've remembered to reply to people, I've not misinterpreted what they've said (if I get a blunt reply, I instantly think that person hates me). Even if I manage to stop myself from checking for a little longer, it's still constantly on my mind.
So we discussed this, as well as intrusive thoughts, absolute fear of being wrong, the perfectionism, compulsions, other checking behaviours I've had in the past etc and she told me that this definitely sounds like OCD to her. So I think this is her diagnosing me? The more I've thought and read about it, the more I can relate to it though. I know the psychiatrist had previously said that he thinks I just have traits of OCD, but to be honest, I barely said a word in that appointment, & there was a lot I hadn't even realised myself! I feel relieved and validated to get this diagnosis though. Of course I'd much rather not have all these horrible thoughts, and worries, and compulsions, but at least I can put a name to them now! Treatment will be no different of course.
The therapist also said that, in terms of the cognitive side of CBT, she thinks that I've progressed. I've done my best to monitor how I think and feel, & I seem to analyse my own thoughts well, so there's that. If anything, it feels as if this whole round of CBT has been a journey of figuring out that I do in fact have OCD, even if I've not been able to do anything to lessen my symptoms! I have maybe one or two sessions left? She doesn't think an extension is needed this time round, so next session we will be going over a proper finish (I'm not sure what this entails) and also we will be sorting out a relapse plan for me. I've not had one before, and I've felt so lost with what to do, so this relapse plan sounds promising.
She also wants me to have a few months break from therapy (EEP!) to try out the therapy techniques on my own & see how I go. She doesn't think I'm ready to go onto the behavioural part of CBT yet, but I'm to get re-referred to see her when I feel I am ready. She did say that I can contact crisis team if I need to. I feel so disillusioned with crisis team though. I think they take one look at me, and think I'm fine. If anything, going there makes me feel even less safe, because it's the constant realisation that they Will Not Help Me.
I don't want to wait until July to review my dose of the Sertraline (I really don't think I can risk waiting) so I'm going to try to get an appointment with my GP tomorrow (Friday) to see if she will let me increase my dosage. I've also put in a repeat prescription request for Diazepam (prn). If this helps, then I can tell the psychiatrist in July, if not, then at least he knows I've tried & I'll have the opportunity at that appointment to either increase further/go on something else/add something else. We'll just have to wait and see. I just really really hope this next appointment goes well. I'm going to have to make sure that I can get my words out & be completely honest with him, no matter how ridiculous/embarrassed/messed up I might feel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
On a completely different note, my left knee has been popping out again & I've decided to approach the GP about this tomorrow. I'm hoping that she'll refer me, although I'm not sure to which specialist. It needs investigating anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE
I spoke to my GP earlier today, about the Sertraline dose and knee problem specifically. I'm now on 100mg Setraline (as opposed to 50mg) and I've been referred to a specialist Physiotherapist to see what's going on with my knee/what I can do to manage it/if I need to be referred on to an Orthopaedic doctor/surgeon. The GP believes that it's my patella that is dislocating & seems to be getting worse (it has got worse to be honest!) although to me it feels as if the actual joint itself is dislocating. We'll have to see what the physio says though!
Tuesday, 12 May 2015
Doubting
I did intend to write a post about my thoughts regarding the election result, but I am so so angry & scared about it (& what else the tories have in store for disabled people, unemployed people etc) that I can barely even form a sentence that would do it justice. All I keep thinking is that people have to stick together, be there for each other, support each other, know their rights (while we still have them!). I dread to think what'll happen next, but I refuse to be silent!
Anyway, back to the topic of this post. I want to talk about my mental health again, & how I think therapy's going.
I had therapy earlier today, & honestly I felt completely useless throughout it. It's been a few weeks since my previous appointment & with various things happening, my moods being all over the place again etc, maybe that's to blame but I was having my doubts about CBT again. I can't exactly put my finger on what's not working, but it just feels as if I'm hardly making any progress, & if I do make any progress, I tend to relapse not long after.
According to the therapist, I know a hell of a lot about CBT (I tried an online course of it, I've read up about it, watched videos, talked to people about it, studied it etc) & I tend to be quite familiar with the tools (the worry tree, thought records, behavioural activation). In theory, the tools sound useful & maybe they do help people. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm not being open-minded enough, or maybe I'm expecting too much, but they don't seem to be helping me. I get to a certain point with them, where I'm (for example) challenging a negative thought, considering evidence for & against it & trying to come to some sort of balanced conclusion. I don't seem to believe it though. I won't let myself accept that the negative thought is just a thought. I won't let myself change focus in order to let the thought go. It's like I'm clinging onto these worries, automatic thoughts, paranoid thoughts etc because I've always been like this & I don't know how to think in any other way/I don't trust the other way of thinking to be the "right" one.
I told my therapist today that when it comes to my thoughts, it feels as if there's so many that they form this huge messy knot in my head. It's hard to select each one, break it down, critically analyse it or even just acknowledge and accept it.
I'm always trying to figure out what the therapist/GP/psychiatrist thinks when I talk to them. In terms of diagnoses, I'm still confused & the only ones *officially* in my notes are Generalised Anxiety Disorder & Depression. It seems as if none of them want to think about diagnoses though, & would rather focus more on how I feel, think, behave, how it affects my life & so on. I know diagnoses aren't the be all and end all of things, but I've always found them very validating & in a way, it's helped me feel as if I can connect with others with the same diagnoses, know that they understand, and that they know that I understand. Without that diagnosis, it's just a list of symptoms that could be A, could be B, or might not quite fit the criteria for A or B. I know this is ridiculous, & I don't think anyone has actually tried to make me feel this way, but it's like I feel as if I don't have the right to talk about those particular symptoms I have, that I think fit that particular diagnosis because I've not been given that particular diagnosis!
The therapist is most vocal about focusing more on my thoughts, feelings & behaviours (well, obviously!) & from what I remember, this is what she says about me:
I'm not sure if I should ask to get re-referred for CBT once these sessions have ended. What else is there though? Who can I turn to when I don't feel safe? Will I be even more reluctant to ask for help when in crisis? It seems as if it's all up to me to figure out what I need, what will help etc but honestly? I don't know!
Anyway, back to the topic of this post. I want to talk about my mental health again, & how I think therapy's going.
I had therapy earlier today, & honestly I felt completely useless throughout it. It's been a few weeks since my previous appointment & with various things happening, my moods being all over the place again etc, maybe that's to blame but I was having my doubts about CBT again. I can't exactly put my finger on what's not working, but it just feels as if I'm hardly making any progress, & if I do make any progress, I tend to relapse not long after.
According to the therapist, I know a hell of a lot about CBT (I tried an online course of it, I've read up about it, watched videos, talked to people about it, studied it etc) & I tend to be quite familiar with the tools (the worry tree, thought records, behavioural activation). In theory, the tools sound useful & maybe they do help people. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm not being open-minded enough, or maybe I'm expecting too much, but they don't seem to be helping me. I get to a certain point with them, where I'm (for example) challenging a negative thought, considering evidence for & against it & trying to come to some sort of balanced conclusion. I don't seem to believe it though. I won't let myself accept that the negative thought is just a thought. I won't let myself change focus in order to let the thought go. It's like I'm clinging onto these worries, automatic thoughts, paranoid thoughts etc because I've always been like this & I don't know how to think in any other way/I don't trust the other way of thinking to be the "right" one.
I told my therapist today that when it comes to my thoughts, it feels as if there's so many that they form this huge messy knot in my head. It's hard to select each one, break it down, critically analyse it or even just acknowledge and accept it.
I'm always trying to figure out what the therapist/GP/psychiatrist thinks when I talk to them. In terms of diagnoses, I'm still confused & the only ones *officially* in my notes are Generalised Anxiety Disorder & Depression. It seems as if none of them want to think about diagnoses though, & would rather focus more on how I feel, think, behave, how it affects my life & so on. I know diagnoses aren't the be all and end all of things, but I've always found them very validating & in a way, it's helped me feel as if I can connect with others with the same diagnoses, know that they understand, and that they know that I understand. Without that diagnosis, it's just a list of symptoms that could be A, could be B, or might not quite fit the criteria for A or B. I know this is ridiculous, & I don't think anyone has actually tried to make me feel this way, but it's like I feel as if I don't have the right to talk about those particular symptoms I have, that I think fit that particular diagnosis because I've not been given that particular diagnosis!
The therapist is most vocal about focusing more on my thoughts, feelings & behaviours (well, obviously!) & from what I remember, this is what she says about me:
- I'm a perfectionist
- I think in extremes (all or nothing)
- I feel responsible for everything
- I feel the need to control everything/one
- I never put myself first/I don't feel I deserve to
- I don't trust my own judgment
- I look to others for reassurance & validation
- I put a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself
- I have a lot of compulsions, "checking" behaviour, looking for certainty, terrified of being wrong etc. (e.g. you would not believe how many times I check twitter, my tweets, other people's responses, my blog posts etc)
- I'm very very self critical
- I don't always notice when I'm worrying, until the worrying gets really bad
There's probably more that I can't think of right now, but those are a few key things she's said. She says she finds the things I say very interesting as well? She writes down so many notes each session, I'd love to know what she's written down! Last time I saw the GP though, I asked her what kinds of things mental health services have said to her in correspondence. It turns out there's barely anything! It's probably my paranoid brain again, but I really thought that mental health services (i.e. therapist, crisis team nurses, psychiatrist) were hiding a lot of things from me. It seems pointless even bothering to open up about things (especially the self harm) if it's just going to be disregarded.
I know I'm lucky that I'm getting therapy at all, & I'm lucky that I got the chance to see a psychiatrist at all. Sometimes it feels like the Sertraline the psychiatrist prescribed is helping a bit, even if just to keep me safe(ish), but I really don't feel as if I'm moving forward. I just feel as if I'm going round in circles.
I'm not sure if I should ask to get re-referred for CBT once these sessions have ended. What else is there though? Who can I turn to when I don't feel safe? Will I be even more reluctant to ask for help when in crisis? It seems as if it's all up to me to figure out what I need, what will help etc but honestly? I don't know!
Thursday, 7 May 2015
Amzie's Coping Toolkit
(CN: Suicide details in "deaths" link)
So today's the day! I'm actually scared about this election. After seeing the devastation caused by the tories (sky-rocketing benefit sanctions, bedroom tax, the huge rise in need for food banks, cuts, cuts & more cuts, deaths related to sanctions, abolition of ILF, the list goes on...) it terrifies me what could happen next if they stay in power.
I couldn't decide whether to write a post purely dedicated to the election. The information is everywhere (obvious statement is obvious) & people are anxious enough. I'm not sure if this post will be useful, but I decided to just write down the kind of things I might be doing to cope over the next few days. I've only managed to write this post thanks to Diazepam keeping me relatively functional/less like a big ball of anxiety and agitation.
Anyway, here goes:
Keep busy with enjoyable things, for example:
So today's the day! I'm actually scared about this election. After seeing the devastation caused by the tories (sky-rocketing benefit sanctions, bedroom tax, the huge rise in need for food banks, cuts, cuts & more cuts, deaths related to sanctions, abolition of ILF, the list goes on...) it terrifies me what could happen next if they stay in power.
I couldn't decide whether to write a post purely dedicated to the election. The information is everywhere (obvious statement is obvious) & people are anxious enough. I'm not sure if this post will be useful, but I decided to just write down the kind of things I might be doing to cope over the next few days. I've only managed to write this post thanks to Diazepam keeping me relatively functional/less like a big ball of anxiety and agitation.
Anyway, here goes:
Keep busy with enjoyable things, for example:
- Cross stitch
- Colouring in
- Computer games (Doodle God, Sims etc. For online games, I recommend Shockwave and Newgrounds
Something to boost self esteem a bit:
- Do my hair/try out a new style
- Try a new makeup style/put on my favourite makeup
- Paint nails with my favourite nail polish
Something calming:
- Meditation (if you need a guided one, then Youtube has lots)
- Comforting drinks (hot chocolate, chai tea, horlicks, whatever!)
- Calm music (I tend to go for meditation music/classical music/Enya)
Something cute/funny:
- Look for cute animal videos on Youtube (Kittens, puppies, bunnies, foxes etc)
Remember to eat:
- Have something easy to prepare
- Maybe order a takeaway (I'll be getting KFC on the way back from voting)
Remember to breathe:
Sometimes this helps me, sometimes I can't focus enough to, but I try to do breathing exercises when I feel the panic getting really hard to manage. If I remember correctly it's inhale for a count of 4, then exhale for a count of 4?
Get outside for a few minutes:
This is something I seem to want to do a lot at the moment, although I can't manage to do even little walks very often. I tend to take the recycling/bin out if it's light enough, then I can have a few minutes outside. The evening tends to be easier for this. I can try my breathing exercises again, and also try to focus on the things around me (the stars, the sound of birds, the smell of a bonfire etc). If I can get outside in the daytime, then I'll bring my phone with me and take pictures of flowers, trees, birds etc, I find focusing on nature helps a bit, even if very temporarily.
Keep in touch:
This is one I find hard to do quite often, as when I feel at my worst, I isolate myself a lot. Brains can be horrible though, and spending too much time just with my brain makes me feel very lonely, I get very self loathing and paranoid as well. Keeping in touch with friends helps remind me that people do care, I can talk to them, and I'm not really alone.
Don't overdo it!
I've immersed myself in blog posts, articles, email updates, political programmes, political tweets etc & tried so hard to squash my anxiety down and speak up when possible. It's so important to take breaks from it when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed. So having a plan for something to do/read/play/watch that has absolutely nothing to do with politics (or even the real world!) could be a good idea.
I'm sure I'll think of a load of other things after I publish this post, but these are just a few examples. It's something I'll be referring to later on today, even just to remind myself to be kind to myself.
Anyway, take care & lots of love and hugs for everyone who needs them right now xxxxx
Wednesday, 15 April 2015
Pressure
This is a word that has come up A LOT recently. I put SO much pressure on myself. Pressure to be useful, pressure to be there for people enough, pressure to not say/do the wrong things (to a point where I try to do nothing wrong. Impossible!), pressure to be a better person, pressure to get back to people, pressure to be as productive as my health allows (actually, more productive than my health allows!), pressure to be as good as others at things like blogging etc.
Blah. You get the picture. I put so so much on myself every single day & all it really achieves is me turning into a big ball of stress and worry.
I don't have many therapy sessions left, and I'm getting stressed out about this too. It turns out that I can request the same therapist next time. It's just the wait seems to be getting longer each time. The therapist I have at the moment seems to be the best one I've had so far. It helps that we have a lot in common too. I constantly explain myself because I feel I have to. I've never just unapologetically been me. I never feel like I'm *enough*. This therapist really does listen to me, and I'm finally beginning to let go because I'm beginning to trust her. In terms of functioning, I'm not seeing any improvements just yet, but I'm at least starting to believe that I don't need to apologise for absolutely everything, & I am allowed to do things I enjoy/take time out for myself.
The Sertraline seems to be suiting me (i.e. no nasty side effects) and sometimes I feel as if it's at least taking the edge off the Depression, sometimes I feel as if it is doing nothing. I've had the odd time where I've been quite hyper, although pain from the Fibromyalgia has masked that a bit. I had the odd day where I felt wonderful. It was like I could breathe again. I wanted to do so much, go to so many places, buy lots of new clothes, be spontaneous! If I'd been able to, I've no doubt that I would've. Another day, I'd gone outside to get some air. It was about 10.30pm, no one was around, & I got this huge urge to go on a walk. So I did. I didn't tell anyone (all I'd told my parents was that I would be round the back for 5 mins). I got this real rush of adrenaline, and it reminded me of how I felt at uni, when on a night out. The pain stopped me walking far & I had to stop so many times but it felt great to just go. Of course when I got back in, my parents were pretty worried about me because I'd disappeared. At the time I couldn't understand why they were worried, but I guess I should've at least told them first! Anyway, I've been on the Sertraline around 2 months now & I have my follow up psychiatrist appointment next month, so I'm guessing I'll be going up a dose if I'm still not finding any/not enough of an improvement.
I'm still getting bad paranoia, and feel I've been such a nightmare recently because of it. Not so long ago, I blocked a whole load of people. I'm not entirely sure why (apart from some didn't say anything & I thought they were spying on me?) but it's as if I couldn't trust anyone. I just don't know. I've lost friends, people have let me down, betrayed my trust, turned out to be prejudiced towards anyone without a job etc & it's making me isolate more.
Something happened recently that really knocked me sideways. I'm spending less time on social media, I've deleted a lot of accounts, ramped up internet security etc because of it. I won't go into detail on here because it involves someone else's experience and it's not my place to share other people's experiences without their consent. Basically, someone spread rumours about a friend. They'd accused my friend of lying about something. They were doing everything in their power (including creating multiple trolling accounts) to get people to listen to them and remove support from my friend. I'd stuck up for my friend (not as much as I wish I could, but I tried) and this resulted in this harasser turning on me, & trying to use my own mental illnesses against me. This made me panic a lot. The paranoia got a lot worse too. I'd noticed strange little things happening with my laptop, some of my accounts, friends on other accounts not replying etc and I actually started to think that someone was taking over my laptop, my accounts, and even controlling my friends. It was horrible. It didn't make sense. In my mind I knew that they couldn't control my friends, but I couldn't stop myself from worrying about it.
I'm still getting times where I start to think this even now, but I'm not as panicked as I was then. I had to take a complete break from places such as Twitter. As well as the paranoia, I was also finding all my mentions, messages, timeline etc very overwhelming. When I came back from my break, I felt incredibly guilty. I'd not been there for people, I'd missed so much, I expected either angry tweets and messages, or for no one to want to talk to me ever again. Even now, I think everyone hates me if they don't reply/straight away. I wish I could just let myself take time out without feeling guilty, unsupportive and selfish.
Back to the topic of pressure. This is probably partly due to the subject being brought up in so many political broadcasts, manifestos etc, but I'm still feeling the pressure to be well enough for work. My doctor, therapist etc all agree I won't be well enough for a while yet, and I'm in the Support Group for ESA, but that pressure is still there. In society, the government, media etc. I'm not surprised about it, but I'm not happy about it either. What about quality of life? social life? daily living? These are all vital. I barely ever see friends, I struggle to cook for myself, I only ever leave the house alone to post my sick notes. I can't predict when/if I'll get some symptoms under control enough to obtain and keep a job. First though, I'd need to be able to look after myself, have the energy/confidence to travel alone, be in busy places, be out of the house for longer.
I want to go onto the topics of disability, political parties' focus on people in work etc more, but may leave this for another blog post (when my head's a bit clearer, frankly!)
My therapy homework (although the therapist doesn't often use this term because it puts more pressure on me, something we're trying to do the opposite of!) is to just be me, do things I enjoy, notice the kind of thoughts and worries I have, and above all, put less pressure on myself! So this is what I'm trying to do.
On that note, I will finish the post here, otherwise I will pressure myself to write more!
Blah. You get the picture. I put so so much on myself every single day & all it really achieves is me turning into a big ball of stress and worry.
I don't have many therapy sessions left, and I'm getting stressed out about this too. It turns out that I can request the same therapist next time. It's just the wait seems to be getting longer each time. The therapist I have at the moment seems to be the best one I've had so far. It helps that we have a lot in common too. I constantly explain myself because I feel I have to. I've never just unapologetically been me. I never feel like I'm *enough*. This therapist really does listen to me, and I'm finally beginning to let go because I'm beginning to trust her. In terms of functioning, I'm not seeing any improvements just yet, but I'm at least starting to believe that I don't need to apologise for absolutely everything, & I am allowed to do things I enjoy/take time out for myself.
The Sertraline seems to be suiting me (i.e. no nasty side effects) and sometimes I feel as if it's at least taking the edge off the Depression, sometimes I feel as if it is doing nothing. I've had the odd time where I've been quite hyper, although pain from the Fibromyalgia has masked that a bit. I had the odd day where I felt wonderful. It was like I could breathe again. I wanted to do so much, go to so many places, buy lots of new clothes, be spontaneous! If I'd been able to, I've no doubt that I would've. Another day, I'd gone outside to get some air. It was about 10.30pm, no one was around, & I got this huge urge to go on a walk. So I did. I didn't tell anyone (all I'd told my parents was that I would be round the back for 5 mins). I got this real rush of adrenaline, and it reminded me of how I felt at uni, when on a night out. The pain stopped me walking far & I had to stop so many times but it felt great to just go. Of course when I got back in, my parents were pretty worried about me because I'd disappeared. At the time I couldn't understand why they were worried, but I guess I should've at least told them first! Anyway, I've been on the Sertraline around 2 months now & I have my follow up psychiatrist appointment next month, so I'm guessing I'll be going up a dose if I'm still not finding any/not enough of an improvement.
I'm still getting bad paranoia, and feel I've been such a nightmare recently because of it. Not so long ago, I blocked a whole load of people. I'm not entirely sure why (apart from some didn't say anything & I thought they were spying on me?) but it's as if I couldn't trust anyone. I just don't know. I've lost friends, people have let me down, betrayed my trust, turned out to be prejudiced towards anyone without a job etc & it's making me isolate more.
Something happened recently that really knocked me sideways. I'm spending less time on social media, I've deleted a lot of accounts, ramped up internet security etc because of it. I won't go into detail on here because it involves someone else's experience and it's not my place to share other people's experiences without their consent. Basically, someone spread rumours about a friend. They'd accused my friend of lying about something. They were doing everything in their power (including creating multiple trolling accounts) to get people to listen to them and remove support from my friend. I'd stuck up for my friend (not as much as I wish I could, but I tried) and this resulted in this harasser turning on me, & trying to use my own mental illnesses against me. This made me panic a lot. The paranoia got a lot worse too. I'd noticed strange little things happening with my laptop, some of my accounts, friends on other accounts not replying etc and I actually started to think that someone was taking over my laptop, my accounts, and even controlling my friends. It was horrible. It didn't make sense. In my mind I knew that they couldn't control my friends, but I couldn't stop myself from worrying about it.
I'm still getting times where I start to think this even now, but I'm not as panicked as I was then. I had to take a complete break from places such as Twitter. As well as the paranoia, I was also finding all my mentions, messages, timeline etc very overwhelming. When I came back from my break, I felt incredibly guilty. I'd not been there for people, I'd missed so much, I expected either angry tweets and messages, or for no one to want to talk to me ever again. Even now, I think everyone hates me if they don't reply/straight away. I wish I could just let myself take time out without feeling guilty, unsupportive and selfish.
Back to the topic of pressure. This is probably partly due to the subject being brought up in so many political broadcasts, manifestos etc, but I'm still feeling the pressure to be well enough for work. My doctor, therapist etc all agree I won't be well enough for a while yet, and I'm in the Support Group for ESA, but that pressure is still there. In society, the government, media etc. I'm not surprised about it, but I'm not happy about it either. What about quality of life? social life? daily living? These are all vital. I barely ever see friends, I struggle to cook for myself, I only ever leave the house alone to post my sick notes. I can't predict when/if I'll get some symptoms under control enough to obtain and keep a job. First though, I'd need to be able to look after myself, have the energy/confidence to travel alone, be in busy places, be out of the house for longer.
I want to go onto the topics of disability, political parties' focus on people in work etc more, but may leave this for another blog post (when my head's a bit clearer, frankly!)
My therapy homework (although the therapist doesn't often use this term because it puts more pressure on me, something we're trying to do the opposite of!) is to just be me, do things I enjoy, notice the kind of thoughts and worries I have, and above all, put less pressure on myself! So this is what I'm trying to do.
On that note, I will finish the post here, otherwise I will pressure myself to write more!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)