Progress. I use that word tentatively. Don't get me wrong, of course I'm pleased if I have made any progress! I'm just still not sure if I have, or if I'm just telling the therapist what she wants to hear/complying with therapy tasks. My head's a mess I swear. I've spent so long trying to figure myself out. Why I think the way I do, why I behave the way I do, who I am even. Searching for answers and overthinking every single damn thing.
I'd been trying to do the therapy homework, and use the tools I'd been given/coping techniques etc (thought record, worry tree, relaxation/breathing exercises etc). I felt as if I was failing at everything & it was all my own fault for not trying enough, not being good enough. I never feel as if I'm *anything* enough (if that makes sense?). I really wasn't looking forward to this week's therapy session. I wasn't sure what to tell my therapist, or even discuss with her; apart from the fact that I'd been feeling really really down, I'd self harmed in order to cope, and I felt completely useless; as if I wasn't even worth bothering with.
I was supposed to have a psychiatrist appointment recently, but when I got to the reception desk, I was told that all his appointments had been cancelled & I should've had a letter. I thanked them and left quickly (even though I wanted to ask why they hadn't phoned, like the last time) because the waiting area was busy & I was very nervous. My neighbour had given me a lift, & I'd declined her offer to walk me in, because I wanted to challenge my social anxiety. The letter came later on that day, and now I have to wait until July!
Therapy went a little better than expected. I felt as if all I was doing was moaning to the therapist about things that pissed me off. We discussed things & analysed things together. One particular topic was how I use social media (twitter, mainly). I immerse myself in lots of different topics, I try to keep in touch and updated with friends, I try to be there for as many people as possible & rarely give myself a break (actually, I probably NEVER give myself a proper break). I've been trying to have space from Twitter because I know it can overwhelm me easily. I find it so so hard to stay away from it though. My therapist has been trying to get me to "catch" myself, when I notice something triggering my moods (starting to panic/feel suicidal/dissociating etc) & then either distract myself with something, or do a thought record so that I can monitor my moods & balance my thoughts. I've found it very hard to do, because I seem to have such extreme mood swings & my moods change & worsen so quickly, it's hard to keep up & catch them before they get too bad! I've really been trying though.
She noticed that I've developed checking behaviour when it comes to things like Twitter though. I'll try to "catch" myself when I find being on there getting overwhelming, so I'll leave a message then shut the window down. I'll manage maybe 5 minutes, before I either open the window up again, or go to the app on my phone. I check my notifications, my tweets, messages, people's replies to me over and over again. I have to make sure that what I've said has made sense, I've worded it properly (not in the grammatical sense, but that I've not said the "wrong" thing so that it could be misinterpreted?), I've remembered to reply to people, I've not misinterpreted what they've said (if I get a blunt reply, I instantly think that person hates me). Even if I manage to stop myself from checking for a little longer, it's still constantly on my mind.
So we discussed this, as well as intrusive thoughts, absolute fear of being wrong, the perfectionism, compulsions, other checking behaviours I've had in the past etc and she told me that this definitely sounds like OCD to her. So I think this is her diagnosing me? The more I've thought and read about it, the more I can relate to it though. I know the psychiatrist had previously said that he thinks I just have traits of OCD, but to be honest, I barely said a word in that appointment, & there was a lot I hadn't even realised myself! I feel relieved and validated to get this diagnosis though. Of course I'd much rather not have all these horrible thoughts, and worries, and compulsions, but at least I can put a name to them now! Treatment will be no different of course.
The therapist also said that, in terms of the cognitive side of CBT, she thinks that I've progressed. I've done my best to monitor how I think and feel, & I seem to analyse my own thoughts well, so there's that. If anything, it feels as if this whole round of CBT has been a journey of figuring out that I do in fact have OCD, even if I've not been able to do anything to lessen my symptoms! I have maybe one or two sessions left? She doesn't think an extension is needed this time round, so next session we will be going over a proper finish (I'm not sure what this entails) and also we will be sorting out a relapse plan for me. I've not had one before, and I've felt so lost with what to do, so this relapse plan sounds promising.
She also wants me to have a few months break from therapy (EEP!) to try out the therapy techniques on my own & see how I go. She doesn't think I'm ready to go onto the behavioural part of CBT yet, but I'm to get re-referred to see her when I feel I am ready. She did say that I can contact crisis team if I need to. I feel so disillusioned with crisis team though. I think they take one look at me, and think I'm fine. If anything, going there makes me feel even less safe, because it's the constant realisation that they Will Not Help Me.
I don't want to wait until July to review my dose of the Sertraline (I really don't think I can risk waiting) so I'm going to try to get an appointment with my GP tomorrow (Friday) to see if she will let me increase my dosage. I've also put in a repeat prescription request for Diazepam (prn). If this helps, then I can tell the psychiatrist in July, if not, then at least he knows I've tried & I'll have the opportunity at that appointment to either increase further/go on something else/add something else. We'll just have to wait and see. I just really really hope this next appointment goes well. I'm going to have to make sure that I can get my words out & be completely honest with him, no matter how ridiculous/embarrassed/messed up I might feel.
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On a completely different note, my left knee has been popping out again & I've decided to approach the GP about this tomorrow. I'm hoping that she'll refer me, although I'm not sure to which specialist. It needs investigating anyway.
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UPDATE
I spoke to my GP earlier today, about the Sertraline dose and knee problem specifically. I'm now on 100mg Setraline (as opposed to 50mg) and I've been referred to a specialist Physiotherapist to see what's going on with my knee/what I can do to manage it/if I need to be referred on to an Orthopaedic doctor/surgeon. The GP believes that it's my patella that is dislocating & seems to be getting worse (it has got worse to be honest!) although to me it feels as if the actual joint itself is dislocating. We'll have to see what the physio says though!
Friday, 22 May 2015
Tuesday, 12 May 2015
Doubting
I did intend to write a post about my thoughts regarding the election result, but I am so so angry & scared about it (& what else the tories have in store for disabled people, unemployed people etc) that I can barely even form a sentence that would do it justice. All I keep thinking is that people have to stick together, be there for each other, support each other, know their rights (while we still have them!). I dread to think what'll happen next, but I refuse to be silent!
Anyway, back to the topic of this post. I want to talk about my mental health again, & how I think therapy's going.
I had therapy earlier today, & honestly I felt completely useless throughout it. It's been a few weeks since my previous appointment & with various things happening, my moods being all over the place again etc, maybe that's to blame but I was having my doubts about CBT again. I can't exactly put my finger on what's not working, but it just feels as if I'm hardly making any progress, & if I do make any progress, I tend to relapse not long after.
According to the therapist, I know a hell of a lot about CBT (I tried an online course of it, I've read up about it, watched videos, talked to people about it, studied it etc) & I tend to be quite familiar with the tools (the worry tree, thought records, behavioural activation). In theory, the tools sound useful & maybe they do help people. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm not being open-minded enough, or maybe I'm expecting too much, but they don't seem to be helping me. I get to a certain point with them, where I'm (for example) challenging a negative thought, considering evidence for & against it & trying to come to some sort of balanced conclusion. I don't seem to believe it though. I won't let myself accept that the negative thought is just a thought. I won't let myself change focus in order to let the thought go. It's like I'm clinging onto these worries, automatic thoughts, paranoid thoughts etc because I've always been like this & I don't know how to think in any other way/I don't trust the other way of thinking to be the "right" one.
I told my therapist today that when it comes to my thoughts, it feels as if there's so many that they form this huge messy knot in my head. It's hard to select each one, break it down, critically analyse it or even just acknowledge and accept it.
I'm always trying to figure out what the therapist/GP/psychiatrist thinks when I talk to them. In terms of diagnoses, I'm still confused & the only ones *officially* in my notes are Generalised Anxiety Disorder & Depression. It seems as if none of them want to think about diagnoses though, & would rather focus more on how I feel, think, behave, how it affects my life & so on. I know diagnoses aren't the be all and end all of things, but I've always found them very validating & in a way, it's helped me feel as if I can connect with others with the same diagnoses, know that they understand, and that they know that I understand. Without that diagnosis, it's just a list of symptoms that could be A, could be B, or might not quite fit the criteria for A or B. I know this is ridiculous, & I don't think anyone has actually tried to make me feel this way, but it's like I feel as if I don't have the right to talk about those particular symptoms I have, that I think fit that particular diagnosis because I've not been given that particular diagnosis!
The therapist is most vocal about focusing more on my thoughts, feelings & behaviours (well, obviously!) & from what I remember, this is what she says about me:
I'm not sure if I should ask to get re-referred for CBT once these sessions have ended. What else is there though? Who can I turn to when I don't feel safe? Will I be even more reluctant to ask for help when in crisis? It seems as if it's all up to me to figure out what I need, what will help etc but honestly? I don't know!
Anyway, back to the topic of this post. I want to talk about my mental health again, & how I think therapy's going.
I had therapy earlier today, & honestly I felt completely useless throughout it. It's been a few weeks since my previous appointment & with various things happening, my moods being all over the place again etc, maybe that's to blame but I was having my doubts about CBT again. I can't exactly put my finger on what's not working, but it just feels as if I'm hardly making any progress, & if I do make any progress, I tend to relapse not long after.
According to the therapist, I know a hell of a lot about CBT (I tried an online course of it, I've read up about it, watched videos, talked to people about it, studied it etc) & I tend to be quite familiar with the tools (the worry tree, thought records, behavioural activation). In theory, the tools sound useful & maybe they do help people. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm not being open-minded enough, or maybe I'm expecting too much, but they don't seem to be helping me. I get to a certain point with them, where I'm (for example) challenging a negative thought, considering evidence for & against it & trying to come to some sort of balanced conclusion. I don't seem to believe it though. I won't let myself accept that the negative thought is just a thought. I won't let myself change focus in order to let the thought go. It's like I'm clinging onto these worries, automatic thoughts, paranoid thoughts etc because I've always been like this & I don't know how to think in any other way/I don't trust the other way of thinking to be the "right" one.
I told my therapist today that when it comes to my thoughts, it feels as if there's so many that they form this huge messy knot in my head. It's hard to select each one, break it down, critically analyse it or even just acknowledge and accept it.
I'm always trying to figure out what the therapist/GP/psychiatrist thinks when I talk to them. In terms of diagnoses, I'm still confused & the only ones *officially* in my notes are Generalised Anxiety Disorder & Depression. It seems as if none of them want to think about diagnoses though, & would rather focus more on how I feel, think, behave, how it affects my life & so on. I know diagnoses aren't the be all and end all of things, but I've always found them very validating & in a way, it's helped me feel as if I can connect with others with the same diagnoses, know that they understand, and that they know that I understand. Without that diagnosis, it's just a list of symptoms that could be A, could be B, or might not quite fit the criteria for A or B. I know this is ridiculous, & I don't think anyone has actually tried to make me feel this way, but it's like I feel as if I don't have the right to talk about those particular symptoms I have, that I think fit that particular diagnosis because I've not been given that particular diagnosis!
The therapist is most vocal about focusing more on my thoughts, feelings & behaviours (well, obviously!) & from what I remember, this is what she says about me:
- I'm a perfectionist
- I think in extremes (all or nothing)
- I feel responsible for everything
- I feel the need to control everything/one
- I never put myself first/I don't feel I deserve to
- I don't trust my own judgment
- I look to others for reassurance & validation
- I put a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself
- I have a lot of compulsions, "checking" behaviour, looking for certainty, terrified of being wrong etc. (e.g. you would not believe how many times I check twitter, my tweets, other people's responses, my blog posts etc)
- I'm very very self critical
- I don't always notice when I'm worrying, until the worrying gets really bad
There's probably more that I can't think of right now, but those are a few key things she's said. She says she finds the things I say very interesting as well? She writes down so many notes each session, I'd love to know what she's written down! Last time I saw the GP though, I asked her what kinds of things mental health services have said to her in correspondence. It turns out there's barely anything! It's probably my paranoid brain again, but I really thought that mental health services (i.e. therapist, crisis team nurses, psychiatrist) were hiding a lot of things from me. It seems pointless even bothering to open up about things (especially the self harm) if it's just going to be disregarded.
I know I'm lucky that I'm getting therapy at all, & I'm lucky that I got the chance to see a psychiatrist at all. Sometimes it feels like the Sertraline the psychiatrist prescribed is helping a bit, even if just to keep me safe(ish), but I really don't feel as if I'm moving forward. I just feel as if I'm going round in circles.
I'm not sure if I should ask to get re-referred for CBT once these sessions have ended. What else is there though? Who can I turn to when I don't feel safe? Will I be even more reluctant to ask for help when in crisis? It seems as if it's all up to me to figure out what I need, what will help etc but honestly? I don't know!
Thursday, 7 May 2015
Amzie's Coping Toolkit
(CN: Suicide details in "deaths" link)
So today's the day! I'm actually scared about this election. After seeing the devastation caused by the tories (sky-rocketing benefit sanctions, bedroom tax, the huge rise in need for food banks, cuts, cuts & more cuts, deaths related to sanctions, abolition of ILF, the list goes on...) it terrifies me what could happen next if they stay in power.
I couldn't decide whether to write a post purely dedicated to the election. The information is everywhere (obvious statement is obvious) & people are anxious enough. I'm not sure if this post will be useful, but I decided to just write down the kind of things I might be doing to cope over the next few days. I've only managed to write this post thanks to Diazepam keeping me relatively functional/less like a big ball of anxiety and agitation.
Anyway, here goes:
Keep busy with enjoyable things, for example:
So today's the day! I'm actually scared about this election. After seeing the devastation caused by the tories (sky-rocketing benefit sanctions, bedroom tax, the huge rise in need for food banks, cuts, cuts & more cuts, deaths related to sanctions, abolition of ILF, the list goes on...) it terrifies me what could happen next if they stay in power.
I couldn't decide whether to write a post purely dedicated to the election. The information is everywhere (obvious statement is obvious) & people are anxious enough. I'm not sure if this post will be useful, but I decided to just write down the kind of things I might be doing to cope over the next few days. I've only managed to write this post thanks to Diazepam keeping me relatively functional/less like a big ball of anxiety and agitation.
Anyway, here goes:
Keep busy with enjoyable things, for example:
- Cross stitch
- Colouring in
- Computer games (Doodle God, Sims etc. For online games, I recommend Shockwave and Newgrounds
Something to boost self esteem a bit:
- Do my hair/try out a new style
- Try a new makeup style/put on my favourite makeup
- Paint nails with my favourite nail polish
Something calming:
- Meditation (if you need a guided one, then Youtube has lots)
- Comforting drinks (hot chocolate, chai tea, horlicks, whatever!)
- Calm music (I tend to go for meditation music/classical music/Enya)
Something cute/funny:
- Look for cute animal videos on Youtube (Kittens, puppies, bunnies, foxes etc)
Remember to eat:
- Have something easy to prepare
- Maybe order a takeaway (I'll be getting KFC on the way back from voting)
Remember to breathe:
Sometimes this helps me, sometimes I can't focus enough to, but I try to do breathing exercises when I feel the panic getting really hard to manage. If I remember correctly it's inhale for a count of 4, then exhale for a count of 4?
Get outside for a few minutes:
This is something I seem to want to do a lot at the moment, although I can't manage to do even little walks very often. I tend to take the recycling/bin out if it's light enough, then I can have a few minutes outside. The evening tends to be easier for this. I can try my breathing exercises again, and also try to focus on the things around me (the stars, the sound of birds, the smell of a bonfire etc). If I can get outside in the daytime, then I'll bring my phone with me and take pictures of flowers, trees, birds etc, I find focusing on nature helps a bit, even if very temporarily.
Keep in touch:
This is one I find hard to do quite often, as when I feel at my worst, I isolate myself a lot. Brains can be horrible though, and spending too much time just with my brain makes me feel very lonely, I get very self loathing and paranoid as well. Keeping in touch with friends helps remind me that people do care, I can talk to them, and I'm not really alone.
Don't overdo it!
I've immersed myself in blog posts, articles, email updates, political programmes, political tweets etc & tried so hard to squash my anxiety down and speak up when possible. It's so important to take breaks from it when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed. So having a plan for something to do/read/play/watch that has absolutely nothing to do with politics (or even the real world!) could be a good idea.
I'm sure I'll think of a load of other things after I publish this post, but these are just a few examples. It's something I'll be referring to later on today, even just to remind myself to be kind to myself.
Anyway, take care & lots of love and hugs for everyone who needs them right now xxxxx
Wednesday, 15 April 2015
Pressure
This is a word that has come up A LOT recently. I put SO much pressure on myself. Pressure to be useful, pressure to be there for people enough, pressure to not say/do the wrong things (to a point where I try to do nothing wrong. Impossible!), pressure to be a better person, pressure to get back to people, pressure to be as productive as my health allows (actually, more productive than my health allows!), pressure to be as good as others at things like blogging etc.
Blah. You get the picture. I put so so much on myself every single day & all it really achieves is me turning into a big ball of stress and worry.
I don't have many therapy sessions left, and I'm getting stressed out about this too. It turns out that I can request the same therapist next time. It's just the wait seems to be getting longer each time. The therapist I have at the moment seems to be the best one I've had so far. It helps that we have a lot in common too. I constantly explain myself because I feel I have to. I've never just unapologetically been me. I never feel like I'm *enough*. This therapist really does listen to me, and I'm finally beginning to let go because I'm beginning to trust her. In terms of functioning, I'm not seeing any improvements just yet, but I'm at least starting to believe that I don't need to apologise for absolutely everything, & I am allowed to do things I enjoy/take time out for myself.
The Sertraline seems to be suiting me (i.e. no nasty side effects) and sometimes I feel as if it's at least taking the edge off the Depression, sometimes I feel as if it is doing nothing. I've had the odd time where I've been quite hyper, although pain from the Fibromyalgia has masked that a bit. I had the odd day where I felt wonderful. It was like I could breathe again. I wanted to do so much, go to so many places, buy lots of new clothes, be spontaneous! If I'd been able to, I've no doubt that I would've. Another day, I'd gone outside to get some air. It was about 10.30pm, no one was around, & I got this huge urge to go on a walk. So I did. I didn't tell anyone (all I'd told my parents was that I would be round the back for 5 mins). I got this real rush of adrenaline, and it reminded me of how I felt at uni, when on a night out. The pain stopped me walking far & I had to stop so many times but it felt great to just go. Of course when I got back in, my parents were pretty worried about me because I'd disappeared. At the time I couldn't understand why they were worried, but I guess I should've at least told them first! Anyway, I've been on the Sertraline around 2 months now & I have my follow up psychiatrist appointment next month, so I'm guessing I'll be going up a dose if I'm still not finding any/not enough of an improvement.
I'm still getting bad paranoia, and feel I've been such a nightmare recently because of it. Not so long ago, I blocked a whole load of people. I'm not entirely sure why (apart from some didn't say anything & I thought they were spying on me?) but it's as if I couldn't trust anyone. I just don't know. I've lost friends, people have let me down, betrayed my trust, turned out to be prejudiced towards anyone without a job etc & it's making me isolate more.
Something happened recently that really knocked me sideways. I'm spending less time on social media, I've deleted a lot of accounts, ramped up internet security etc because of it. I won't go into detail on here because it involves someone else's experience and it's not my place to share other people's experiences without their consent. Basically, someone spread rumours about a friend. They'd accused my friend of lying about something. They were doing everything in their power (including creating multiple trolling accounts) to get people to listen to them and remove support from my friend. I'd stuck up for my friend (not as much as I wish I could, but I tried) and this resulted in this harasser turning on me, & trying to use my own mental illnesses against me. This made me panic a lot. The paranoia got a lot worse too. I'd noticed strange little things happening with my laptop, some of my accounts, friends on other accounts not replying etc and I actually started to think that someone was taking over my laptop, my accounts, and even controlling my friends. It was horrible. It didn't make sense. In my mind I knew that they couldn't control my friends, but I couldn't stop myself from worrying about it.
I'm still getting times where I start to think this even now, but I'm not as panicked as I was then. I had to take a complete break from places such as Twitter. As well as the paranoia, I was also finding all my mentions, messages, timeline etc very overwhelming. When I came back from my break, I felt incredibly guilty. I'd not been there for people, I'd missed so much, I expected either angry tweets and messages, or for no one to want to talk to me ever again. Even now, I think everyone hates me if they don't reply/straight away. I wish I could just let myself take time out without feeling guilty, unsupportive and selfish.
Back to the topic of pressure. This is probably partly due to the subject being brought up in so many political broadcasts, manifestos etc, but I'm still feeling the pressure to be well enough for work. My doctor, therapist etc all agree I won't be well enough for a while yet, and I'm in the Support Group for ESA, but that pressure is still there. In society, the government, media etc. I'm not surprised about it, but I'm not happy about it either. What about quality of life? social life? daily living? These are all vital. I barely ever see friends, I struggle to cook for myself, I only ever leave the house alone to post my sick notes. I can't predict when/if I'll get some symptoms under control enough to obtain and keep a job. First though, I'd need to be able to look after myself, have the energy/confidence to travel alone, be in busy places, be out of the house for longer.
I want to go onto the topics of disability, political parties' focus on people in work etc more, but may leave this for another blog post (when my head's a bit clearer, frankly!)
My therapy homework (although the therapist doesn't often use this term because it puts more pressure on me, something we're trying to do the opposite of!) is to just be me, do things I enjoy, notice the kind of thoughts and worries I have, and above all, put less pressure on myself! So this is what I'm trying to do.
On that note, I will finish the post here, otherwise I will pressure myself to write more!
Blah. You get the picture. I put so so much on myself every single day & all it really achieves is me turning into a big ball of stress and worry.
I don't have many therapy sessions left, and I'm getting stressed out about this too. It turns out that I can request the same therapist next time. It's just the wait seems to be getting longer each time. The therapist I have at the moment seems to be the best one I've had so far. It helps that we have a lot in common too. I constantly explain myself because I feel I have to. I've never just unapologetically been me. I never feel like I'm *enough*. This therapist really does listen to me, and I'm finally beginning to let go because I'm beginning to trust her. In terms of functioning, I'm not seeing any improvements just yet, but I'm at least starting to believe that I don't need to apologise for absolutely everything, & I am allowed to do things I enjoy/take time out for myself.
The Sertraline seems to be suiting me (i.e. no nasty side effects) and sometimes I feel as if it's at least taking the edge off the Depression, sometimes I feel as if it is doing nothing. I've had the odd time where I've been quite hyper, although pain from the Fibromyalgia has masked that a bit. I had the odd day where I felt wonderful. It was like I could breathe again. I wanted to do so much, go to so many places, buy lots of new clothes, be spontaneous! If I'd been able to, I've no doubt that I would've. Another day, I'd gone outside to get some air. It was about 10.30pm, no one was around, & I got this huge urge to go on a walk. So I did. I didn't tell anyone (all I'd told my parents was that I would be round the back for 5 mins). I got this real rush of adrenaline, and it reminded me of how I felt at uni, when on a night out. The pain stopped me walking far & I had to stop so many times but it felt great to just go. Of course when I got back in, my parents were pretty worried about me because I'd disappeared. At the time I couldn't understand why they were worried, but I guess I should've at least told them first! Anyway, I've been on the Sertraline around 2 months now & I have my follow up psychiatrist appointment next month, so I'm guessing I'll be going up a dose if I'm still not finding any/not enough of an improvement.
I'm still getting bad paranoia, and feel I've been such a nightmare recently because of it. Not so long ago, I blocked a whole load of people. I'm not entirely sure why (apart from some didn't say anything & I thought they were spying on me?) but it's as if I couldn't trust anyone. I just don't know. I've lost friends, people have let me down, betrayed my trust, turned out to be prejudiced towards anyone without a job etc & it's making me isolate more.
Something happened recently that really knocked me sideways. I'm spending less time on social media, I've deleted a lot of accounts, ramped up internet security etc because of it. I won't go into detail on here because it involves someone else's experience and it's not my place to share other people's experiences without their consent. Basically, someone spread rumours about a friend. They'd accused my friend of lying about something. They were doing everything in their power (including creating multiple trolling accounts) to get people to listen to them and remove support from my friend. I'd stuck up for my friend (not as much as I wish I could, but I tried) and this resulted in this harasser turning on me, & trying to use my own mental illnesses against me. This made me panic a lot. The paranoia got a lot worse too. I'd noticed strange little things happening with my laptop, some of my accounts, friends on other accounts not replying etc and I actually started to think that someone was taking over my laptop, my accounts, and even controlling my friends. It was horrible. It didn't make sense. In my mind I knew that they couldn't control my friends, but I couldn't stop myself from worrying about it.
I'm still getting times where I start to think this even now, but I'm not as panicked as I was then. I had to take a complete break from places such as Twitter. As well as the paranoia, I was also finding all my mentions, messages, timeline etc very overwhelming. When I came back from my break, I felt incredibly guilty. I'd not been there for people, I'd missed so much, I expected either angry tweets and messages, or for no one to want to talk to me ever again. Even now, I think everyone hates me if they don't reply/straight away. I wish I could just let myself take time out without feeling guilty, unsupportive and selfish.
Back to the topic of pressure. This is probably partly due to the subject being brought up in so many political broadcasts, manifestos etc, but I'm still feeling the pressure to be well enough for work. My doctor, therapist etc all agree I won't be well enough for a while yet, and I'm in the Support Group for ESA, but that pressure is still there. In society, the government, media etc. I'm not surprised about it, but I'm not happy about it either. What about quality of life? social life? daily living? These are all vital. I barely ever see friends, I struggle to cook for myself, I only ever leave the house alone to post my sick notes. I can't predict when/if I'll get some symptoms under control enough to obtain and keep a job. First though, I'd need to be able to look after myself, have the energy/confidence to travel alone, be in busy places, be out of the house for longer.
I want to go onto the topics of disability, political parties' focus on people in work etc more, but may leave this for another blog post (when my head's a bit clearer, frankly!)
My therapy homework (although the therapist doesn't often use this term because it puts more pressure on me, something we're trying to do the opposite of!) is to just be me, do things I enjoy, notice the kind of thoughts and worries I have, and above all, put less pressure on myself! So this is what I'm trying to do.
On that note, I will finish the post here, otherwise I will pressure myself to write more!
Friday, 10 April 2015
*Waves*
This is just a quick post to let you know that I'm still here, and will update my blog soon. There's been a lot going on, (certain things which I may or may not speak about in my next post) & right now I've really needed to stop pushing myself too hard. I've felt the need to constantly be online, catching up with things, putting my views forward etc so much so that I was neglecting looking after myself, and giving myself time to rest.
I could say I have certain goals (stop explaining myself all the time, stop pushing myself so much, don't go online as much etc) but part of the problem is that I constantly set myself goals, write "to-do" lists (nearly every day) and even that increases the pressure to a ridiculous degree. I'd like to write a more in-depth blog post tomorrow, but I need to see how I feel first.
Anyway, I need to rest now, but I will say that I'm ok-ish & I'm safe right now.
I could say I have certain goals (stop explaining myself all the time, stop pushing myself so much, don't go online as much etc) but part of the problem is that I constantly set myself goals, write "to-do" lists (nearly every day) and even that increases the pressure to a ridiculous degree. I'd like to write a more in-depth blog post tomorrow, but I need to see how I feel first.
Anyway, I need to rest now, but I will say that I'm ok-ish & I'm safe right now.
Thursday, 5 February 2015
I'm trying. I'm really trying.
It's been a month since my last post. I've had so much going through my head, and I suppose a lot going on too. I've wanted to write, rather than just ranting on Twitter, but I guess I couldn't put it into words properly. This post will mainly be an updates one.
I did see my GP last month. I reminded her about the blood tests I needed to have (I'd finished my B12 and Folates meds and needed follow ups. I also needed my Vitamin D checking again, because it tends to get quite low this time of year & it was a while since I'd been on meds for it). I think I had to wait a week or two to get the tests done though, because of needing a lift from my dad. He had to finish work early just to get me to one of the clinics that provide a walk-in service for blood tests. I hate Agoraphobia so much. I had my results back this Monday. B12 and Folates within normal range & Vitamin D slightly low, so I'm on daily supplements for 3 months.
She asked me how my pains were, and how I was getting on with the Tramacet. I told her that I just couldn't get on with it. It made me feel so ill, and the Cyclizine just wasn't helping. It barely touched the pain, so I'd been trying to go without pain meds, even though I was really struggling. She seemed very concerned that I was trying to cope without it, so she had a look through the medication manual (I forgot the official name) and discussed other options for me. She decided to try me on Butrans (Buprenorphine) patches. Fast release opiates clearly weren't suiting me (especially with my stomach lining being damaged thanks to the Naproxen) so slow release patches might help. She also prescribed more Cyclizine as nausea was a common side effect of Butrans. I've been started on 5 mcg/hour and if I can tolerate that, then she'll try me on a higher dose. So far, the nausea has been manageable. The Cyclizine is actually helping a bit. You keep one patch on for a week, I find the 2nd day, I get a bit headachey. I still have some Ibuprofen at home, which helps with that. I also have some gel patches which sooth my headaches a bit too. The 3rd day is when the nausea seems to be at its worst. The Cyclizine helps a bit still, but wears off quite quickly. I'm only supposed to take it up to 3 times a day, but there have been days where I might've taken 4. I've had no pain relief yet, but it's still early days.
I didn't mention the hypermobility & subluxing this time. There was too much to talk about and I didn't have the energy for it. I've been having problems with my ribs recently too. I think the subluxed rib has popped back in place now though.
(Massive TW for suicide and self harm details)
Lastly, I spoke about my mental health. Since before Christmas I'd been struggling much more than usual. It is a stressful time of year, with lots to organise. I definitely pushed myself too much, & realising that my fibro's got worse, since the previous Christmas, didn't exactly help. I told the GP that even though my Psychiatrist appointment was less than a month away, I was feeling so awful (and not safe) that I needed something to last me until then. I'd run out of Diazepam, and found that this was the only med that at least calmed me down & kept me a bit safer. I really thought she'd refuse to give me any more. I get so nervous about asking for a specific med, if it has a reputation of being addictive. The GP had no problem prescribing more though (just for my worst days though) and even said she'd let me get it on repeat if I needed! She said the main aim was to keep me safe (so of course she didn't prescribe a lot of Diazepam at once) and if I do start becoming dependent on them, she would help to wean me off them. I told her about how I felt like I didn't have anywhere to turn when in crisis. I couldn't self refer to Crisis Team, the local A&E had a bad reputation when it came to treating mental health crises, and even if I do get an assessment, unless I've already attempted suicide or self harmed badly, they won't help me. I was waiting for a therapy appointment, but I wasn't feeling very optimistic about going through CBT for the third time. There was nothing else she could suggest unfortunately.
When I got home, my therapy appointment letter had arrived. Good news: I was allowed home visits. Bad news: It was the day after my psychiatrist appointment. Emotionally drained is an understatement!
Moving on...
Psychiatrist Appointment
This Monday, I had my psychiatrist appointment. I'd written so many pages of notes and got myself so worked up, that I was a complete nervous wreck on the day. I wanted to be as honest as possible, and I put so much pressure on myself to remember everything/write everything down, that I was already tearful and overwhelmed by the time I got there. This post explains most of the things I wanted to talk about. I recently began to realise that I actually did self harm from quite a young age (I used to bite and scratch my hands. Sometimes this was to distract myself, or release my frustration with being bullied. Sometimes it was to punish myself for 'letting' people bully me). For years, I've picked at my skin too. I'm not sure if this would be considered self harm, a compulsion, or a bit of both. If I see a spot, or bump, or dry patch of skin on myself, I get this huge urge to pick at it. The odd time I've managed to resist, but it's very rarely that I can resist. It will still be on my mind constantly. I've realised that even though I do it everyday, I do it a lot more often, and it gets a lot worse when I'm stressed out, nervous, or upset. I've started using safety pins too. It's still never been enough for A&E but I have damaged skin and caused a numb patch as well. The suicidal feelings have been stronger too, and I'm researching methods more often now.
Anyway, back to the appointment. The waiting room itself was fairly quiet (apart from a radio by reception playing Gnarls Barkley - Crazy, would you believe...) and I didn't have to wait nearly as long as I thought I would. It still felt like forever though, because I was so nervous and fidgety. I'd brought about 5 pages of notes, as well as a bag with all my medication in. The psychiatrist I saw, wasn't the one I was scheduled to see (he must've been busy or something). He seemed nice, although nervous. The appointment was a bit of a blur. I was extremely agitated, distressed and suicidal that day. I thought the psychiatrist would realise this, and realise that I needed more immediate help, but maybe he didn't notice? He didn't ask many questions. Mainly why I was there, what my diagnoses were/what problems I've had/for how long etc. He also asked about my past, friends, family, romantic/sexual relationships, were there any significant events that may have triggered mental health problems etc.
I forgot most of what I wanted to say, my mind kept going blank, I was so damn frustrated with myself, and I cried through the entire appointment. I was trying to explain to him how I thought my diagnoses (of Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and Depression) didn't fully cover the problems I had. I spoke about the bullying, the possible OCD with past behaviours, obsessions and rituals, as well as with the bladder based obsessions and strict routines now. He kept referring to these as OCD too, but when I asked him if he thought it actually was that, he said he didn't think it was, and that it was more attributed to the bullying I'd experienced, and the generalised Anxiety I have. Why did he keep referring to it as OCD, when he didn't think I had it though? It really confused me. I need some validation here.
(TW: Sexual Assault)
I also spoke about my possible Agoraphobia, and the kinds of things I thought might've triggered the start of it. Bullying and physical illness both played a big part, but something that happened at the bus station in town also played a bit of a part.
When I was around 16, 17, I was on my way back from a friend's birthday meal. I was waiting in the bus station (it was around 5pm on a weekday). A tall bulky middle aged man walked towards me and said hello. I was a very naive person at the time, and avoided confrontation as much as possible. I said a quick "hi" back then turned the other way to make it clear I was waiting for the bus, and was too busy to talk. He sat down next to me, and asked me to hug him. He was quite pushy to be honest, and I found him very intimidating. There was another person waiting for the same bus as me, but I don't think they noticed anything was up. I regret this so so much, but I did what the guy said, and hugged him. I honestly thought he'd just talk to me, or walk off or something. He tried to chat me up. I knew something was up, and I tried to ignore him. He started touching me and I flinched away. I wish I'd yelled out, or pushed him away or something, but all I did was freeze then flinch. Thankfully he stopped though, and walked away. I felt so sick. I cried when I got home. The next day I had to go into town. I saw him again, and he said "hi sexy" as he walked past me. It made me feel vulnerable. It made me feel as if he knew I was vulnerable, and he was mocking me for it. I didn't wait in the bus station any more after that, and I got a lot more nervous with catching buses. I'd get a taxi home if I could afford it.
Anyway, I think I may have a sort of Agoraphobia diagnosis? He didn't say for sure, but I guess he might've just attributed it to the generalised anxiety again.
After that, I spoke about the paranoia, and the fact that I've always been a bit clingy when it came to friendships and relationships. I'd think I was very close to someone, and find out further down the line that they didn't feel the same way. I was always terrified of being abandoned. I've always been really paranoid about what people think of me. It's like I always need reassurance, and I won't let myself be too sure just in case I've misjudged things (again). Maybe I hold on too tight? I don't know, but this is how I've been for most of my life, and I think I need help with it. I also mentioned about how impulsive I used to be at university, before I got physically ill, but he seemed to brush this off as nothing.
I'm not sure how clear I was with the psychiatrist. Most of the time he looked confused, or distracted. There was a person in the next room who was kicking off, throwing/kicking things (by the sound of it) and threatening to hurt the person they were talking to. My psychiatrist had to keep going out of the room in case he needed to help out. It couldn't have been helped, but of course it meant that I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to say and honestly? I didn't feel like I was really being listened to. I felt horrible. I completely forgot to talk about the self harm too. Maybe he would've helped more if I'd remembered to mention it.
At the end, we discussed medication. I'm on 100mg Amitriptyline per day, and Diazepam as needed. He didn't talk about going off the Diazepam (I told him it helped a bit on the worst days, & I had nowhere else to turn), but he wants me to wean off the Amitriptyline and he will write to my GP and recommend I be prescribed Sertraline. He will also send me for a follow up appointment in 3 months time, and if the Sertraline is suiting me, but not doing enough, then he'll put me on something else on top of that. (He did mention Pregabalin, but I've already been on that before for pain and it didn't help anything at all). He also said that I should have therapy/CBT on a long term basis. Once the appointment was over, I couldn't wait to get out of there. I was glad that he was changing my medication, but I'd not been given any other answers, I felt like a lot of what I said wasn't listened to/taken seriously. I'd told him I didn't feel safe. I told him I'd researched methods and kept having plans, but he didn't say anything in response. I had a plan in my head when I started walking towards the main reception; where my dad was going to pick me up. I wanted to wander off, buy a drink from a local shop, find somewhere to hide and take all the pills I had on me. I was so close to doing it as well. The only reason I didn't was because dad was on his way to pick me up, and I wouldn't have been able to walk away fast enough.
Psychotherapist Appointment
The next day, I had my psychotherapy assessment/appointment. I'd tried to write my notes down in a clearer way, and I was so determined to talk about everything I needed to. I'd taken Diazepam in order to calm down the previous day, so I wasn't too worked up thankfully. I got a bit panicked when two therapists turned up; and I asked my mum to sit with me for the appointment. They explained that (because of risk etc) home visits always had to include two therapists. They were both very nice, and understanding though. It was the fact that it was unexpected. I do get very panicky if I don't expect something, or if there's a change. I like to be prepared all the time, even though that's impossible!
The main therapist asked me questions about diagnoses, problems, past, family history, suicidal thoughts, self harm etc. Similar questions to the psychiatrist, but asked in a clearer and much more understanding way. I managed to talk about everything too. I probably rambled quite a lot, but at least I talked about what I needed to. I also said that I wanted therapy to focus mainly on my anxiety (especially the strict rituals and obsessions I have, with my bladder/the toilet). I don't know what will help the depression. I honestly can't imagine my life free from it. I'm nervous about working on the various anxieties I have, but I think that maybe CBT might help that a bit. I don't want to feel like this anyway.
When talking about self harm and suicidal thoughts/urges, the therapist really tried to get me to agree to calling crisis team/going to A&E if I'm having plans/am about to carry them out. I did tell her about my experiences with crisis team, and how I felt they wouldn't do anything unless I'd already harmed myself/attempted suicide. I didn't think my self harm was serious enough to mention to crisis team either. In the end, I had to just say I would contact them. I doubt I will though. It's pointless, and every time crisis team assess me, then discharge me with a "we can't help you/you're not enough at risk" it only pushes me closer to doing something because it feels like no one wants to help anyway.
I guess I've just got to hope that the Sertraline will help me. The Diazepam and my parents may be keeping me safe, but it doesn't make things better. I'm still suffering and struggling. I feel trapped.
I did see my GP last month. I reminded her about the blood tests I needed to have (I'd finished my B12 and Folates meds and needed follow ups. I also needed my Vitamin D checking again, because it tends to get quite low this time of year & it was a while since I'd been on meds for it). I think I had to wait a week or two to get the tests done though, because of needing a lift from my dad. He had to finish work early just to get me to one of the clinics that provide a walk-in service for blood tests. I hate Agoraphobia so much. I had my results back this Monday. B12 and Folates within normal range & Vitamin D slightly low, so I'm on daily supplements for 3 months.
She asked me how my pains were, and how I was getting on with the Tramacet. I told her that I just couldn't get on with it. It made me feel so ill, and the Cyclizine just wasn't helping. It barely touched the pain, so I'd been trying to go without pain meds, even though I was really struggling. She seemed very concerned that I was trying to cope without it, so she had a look through the medication manual (I forgot the official name) and discussed other options for me. She decided to try me on Butrans (Buprenorphine) patches. Fast release opiates clearly weren't suiting me (especially with my stomach lining being damaged thanks to the Naproxen) so slow release patches might help. She also prescribed more Cyclizine as nausea was a common side effect of Butrans. I've been started on 5 mcg/hour and if I can tolerate that, then she'll try me on a higher dose. So far, the nausea has been manageable. The Cyclizine is actually helping a bit. You keep one patch on for a week, I find the 2nd day, I get a bit headachey. I still have some Ibuprofen at home, which helps with that. I also have some gel patches which sooth my headaches a bit too. The 3rd day is when the nausea seems to be at its worst. The Cyclizine helps a bit still, but wears off quite quickly. I'm only supposed to take it up to 3 times a day, but there have been days where I might've taken 4. I've had no pain relief yet, but it's still early days.
I didn't mention the hypermobility & subluxing this time. There was too much to talk about and I didn't have the energy for it. I've been having problems with my ribs recently too. I think the subluxed rib has popped back in place now though.
(Massive TW for suicide and self harm details)
Lastly, I spoke about my mental health. Since before Christmas I'd been struggling much more than usual. It is a stressful time of year, with lots to organise. I definitely pushed myself too much, & realising that my fibro's got worse, since the previous Christmas, didn't exactly help. I told the GP that even though my Psychiatrist appointment was less than a month away, I was feeling so awful (and not safe) that I needed something to last me until then. I'd run out of Diazepam, and found that this was the only med that at least calmed me down & kept me a bit safer. I really thought she'd refuse to give me any more. I get so nervous about asking for a specific med, if it has a reputation of being addictive. The GP had no problem prescribing more though (just for my worst days though) and even said she'd let me get it on repeat if I needed! She said the main aim was to keep me safe (so of course she didn't prescribe a lot of Diazepam at once) and if I do start becoming dependent on them, she would help to wean me off them. I told her about how I felt like I didn't have anywhere to turn when in crisis. I couldn't self refer to Crisis Team, the local A&E had a bad reputation when it came to treating mental health crises, and even if I do get an assessment, unless I've already attempted suicide or self harmed badly, they won't help me. I was waiting for a therapy appointment, but I wasn't feeling very optimistic about going through CBT for the third time. There was nothing else she could suggest unfortunately.
When I got home, my therapy appointment letter had arrived. Good news: I was allowed home visits. Bad news: It was the day after my psychiatrist appointment. Emotionally drained is an understatement!
Moving on...
Psychiatrist Appointment
This Monday, I had my psychiatrist appointment. I'd written so many pages of notes and got myself so worked up, that I was a complete nervous wreck on the day. I wanted to be as honest as possible, and I put so much pressure on myself to remember everything/write everything down, that I was already tearful and overwhelmed by the time I got there. This post explains most of the things I wanted to talk about. I recently began to realise that I actually did self harm from quite a young age (I used to bite and scratch my hands. Sometimes this was to distract myself, or release my frustration with being bullied. Sometimes it was to punish myself for 'letting' people bully me). For years, I've picked at my skin too. I'm not sure if this would be considered self harm, a compulsion, or a bit of both. If I see a spot, or bump, or dry patch of skin on myself, I get this huge urge to pick at it. The odd time I've managed to resist, but it's very rarely that I can resist. It will still be on my mind constantly. I've realised that even though I do it everyday, I do it a lot more often, and it gets a lot worse when I'm stressed out, nervous, or upset. I've started using safety pins too. It's still never been enough for A&E but I have damaged skin and caused a numb patch as well. The suicidal feelings have been stronger too, and I'm researching methods more often now.
Anyway, back to the appointment. The waiting room itself was fairly quiet (apart from a radio by reception playing Gnarls Barkley - Crazy, would you believe...) and I didn't have to wait nearly as long as I thought I would. It still felt like forever though, because I was so nervous and fidgety. I'd brought about 5 pages of notes, as well as a bag with all my medication in. The psychiatrist I saw, wasn't the one I was scheduled to see (he must've been busy or something). He seemed nice, although nervous. The appointment was a bit of a blur. I was extremely agitated, distressed and suicidal that day. I thought the psychiatrist would realise this, and realise that I needed more immediate help, but maybe he didn't notice? He didn't ask many questions. Mainly why I was there, what my diagnoses were/what problems I've had/for how long etc. He also asked about my past, friends, family, romantic/sexual relationships, were there any significant events that may have triggered mental health problems etc.
I forgot most of what I wanted to say, my mind kept going blank, I was so damn frustrated with myself, and I cried through the entire appointment. I was trying to explain to him how I thought my diagnoses (of Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and Depression) didn't fully cover the problems I had. I spoke about the bullying, the possible OCD with past behaviours, obsessions and rituals, as well as with the bladder based obsessions and strict routines now. He kept referring to these as OCD too, but when I asked him if he thought it actually was that, he said he didn't think it was, and that it was more attributed to the bullying I'd experienced, and the generalised Anxiety I have. Why did he keep referring to it as OCD, when he didn't think I had it though? It really confused me. I need some validation here.
(TW: Sexual Assault)
I also spoke about my possible Agoraphobia, and the kinds of things I thought might've triggered the start of it. Bullying and physical illness both played a big part, but something that happened at the bus station in town also played a bit of a part.
When I was around 16, 17, I was on my way back from a friend's birthday meal. I was waiting in the bus station (it was around 5pm on a weekday). A tall bulky middle aged man walked towards me and said hello. I was a very naive person at the time, and avoided confrontation as much as possible. I said a quick "hi" back then turned the other way to make it clear I was waiting for the bus, and was too busy to talk. He sat down next to me, and asked me to hug him. He was quite pushy to be honest, and I found him very intimidating. There was another person waiting for the same bus as me, but I don't think they noticed anything was up. I regret this so so much, but I did what the guy said, and hugged him. I honestly thought he'd just talk to me, or walk off or something. He tried to chat me up. I knew something was up, and I tried to ignore him. He started touching me and I flinched away. I wish I'd yelled out, or pushed him away or something, but all I did was freeze then flinch. Thankfully he stopped though, and walked away. I felt so sick. I cried when I got home. The next day I had to go into town. I saw him again, and he said "hi sexy" as he walked past me. It made me feel vulnerable. It made me feel as if he knew I was vulnerable, and he was mocking me for it. I didn't wait in the bus station any more after that, and I got a lot more nervous with catching buses. I'd get a taxi home if I could afford it.
Anyway, I think I may have a sort of Agoraphobia diagnosis? He didn't say for sure, but I guess he might've just attributed it to the generalised anxiety again.
After that, I spoke about the paranoia, and the fact that I've always been a bit clingy when it came to friendships and relationships. I'd think I was very close to someone, and find out further down the line that they didn't feel the same way. I was always terrified of being abandoned. I've always been really paranoid about what people think of me. It's like I always need reassurance, and I won't let myself be too sure just in case I've misjudged things (again). Maybe I hold on too tight? I don't know, but this is how I've been for most of my life, and I think I need help with it. I also mentioned about how impulsive I used to be at university, before I got physically ill, but he seemed to brush this off as nothing.
I'm not sure how clear I was with the psychiatrist. Most of the time he looked confused, or distracted. There was a person in the next room who was kicking off, throwing/kicking things (by the sound of it) and threatening to hurt the person they were talking to. My psychiatrist had to keep going out of the room in case he needed to help out. It couldn't have been helped, but of course it meant that I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to say and honestly? I didn't feel like I was really being listened to. I felt horrible. I completely forgot to talk about the self harm too. Maybe he would've helped more if I'd remembered to mention it.
At the end, we discussed medication. I'm on 100mg Amitriptyline per day, and Diazepam as needed. He didn't talk about going off the Diazepam (I told him it helped a bit on the worst days, & I had nowhere else to turn), but he wants me to wean off the Amitriptyline and he will write to my GP and recommend I be prescribed Sertraline. He will also send me for a follow up appointment in 3 months time, and if the Sertraline is suiting me, but not doing enough, then he'll put me on something else on top of that. (He did mention Pregabalin, but I've already been on that before for pain and it didn't help anything at all). He also said that I should have therapy/CBT on a long term basis. Once the appointment was over, I couldn't wait to get out of there. I was glad that he was changing my medication, but I'd not been given any other answers, I felt like a lot of what I said wasn't listened to/taken seriously. I'd told him I didn't feel safe. I told him I'd researched methods and kept having plans, but he didn't say anything in response. I had a plan in my head when I started walking towards the main reception; where my dad was going to pick me up. I wanted to wander off, buy a drink from a local shop, find somewhere to hide and take all the pills I had on me. I was so close to doing it as well. The only reason I didn't was because dad was on his way to pick me up, and I wouldn't have been able to walk away fast enough.
Psychotherapist Appointment
The next day, I had my psychotherapy assessment/appointment. I'd tried to write my notes down in a clearer way, and I was so determined to talk about everything I needed to. I'd taken Diazepam in order to calm down the previous day, so I wasn't too worked up thankfully. I got a bit panicked when two therapists turned up; and I asked my mum to sit with me for the appointment. They explained that (because of risk etc) home visits always had to include two therapists. They were both very nice, and understanding though. It was the fact that it was unexpected. I do get very panicky if I don't expect something, or if there's a change. I like to be prepared all the time, even though that's impossible!
The main therapist asked me questions about diagnoses, problems, past, family history, suicidal thoughts, self harm etc. Similar questions to the psychiatrist, but asked in a clearer and much more understanding way. I managed to talk about everything too. I probably rambled quite a lot, but at least I talked about what I needed to. I also said that I wanted therapy to focus mainly on my anxiety (especially the strict rituals and obsessions I have, with my bladder/the toilet). I don't know what will help the depression. I honestly can't imagine my life free from it. I'm nervous about working on the various anxieties I have, but I think that maybe CBT might help that a bit. I don't want to feel like this anyway.
When talking about self harm and suicidal thoughts/urges, the therapist really tried to get me to agree to calling crisis team/going to A&E if I'm having plans/am about to carry them out. I did tell her about my experiences with crisis team, and how I felt they wouldn't do anything unless I'd already harmed myself/attempted suicide. I didn't think my self harm was serious enough to mention to crisis team either. In the end, I had to just say I would contact them. I doubt I will though. It's pointless, and every time crisis team assess me, then discharge me with a "we can't help you/you're not enough at risk" it only pushes me closer to doing something because it feels like no one wants to help anyway.
I guess I've just got to hope that the Sertraline will help me. The Diazepam and my parents may be keeping me safe, but it doesn't make things better. I'm still suffering and struggling. I feel trapped.
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
I lied, I'm not coping.
I'm trying to be a better writer, but this post will be a sort of rambly journal entry I'm afraid.
(TW: Suicide mention)
I seem to be struggling more than usual at the moment (mental health & physical health-wise). Maybe it's the colder weather or the time of year or something (it's been a lot worse since December, so maybe the Christmas period/New Year?).
The colder weather has definitely made my symptoms flare up; pain more than anything else. My legs hurt a lot more than usual & it's really affecting my mobility. I don't have a wheelchair, so I'm leaving the house even less now. On the subject of wheelchairs, when getting the last bits of food shopping for Christmas last month, my parents and I visited a supermarket that'd recently opened. It had lots of facilities, large car park etc, and it also had spare wheelchairs. I was really struggling with pain & was considering using one. There was only one left though, so I tried to just carry on walking. I thought that if I took the last one, then there might be someone who needed it more who then didn't have one to use. I guess I also thought, for some reason, that someone would say I didn't really need it (internalised ableism of course). After a couple of minutes though, I realised there was just no way I could carry on in so much pain. Even though I was still exhausted and in pain, using the wheelchair was definitely a better idea than not using one. It also turned out that when I did decide to get one, another one was free so at least there was still a spare one for someone to use.
I've been trying so hard to keep a smile on my face and not worry my family. It's hard to be totally honest with them, about how I've been feeling. I'm constantly teetering on the edge of a mental health crisis, but there's nowhere to turn. I feel like I need some immediate help, but I can't even attempt to get any unless I know what specific help I need, and there just doesn't seem to be any available regardless. I don't want to worry my family; partly because I don't like worrying/bringing down people, partly because there's nothing they could do anyway. I need to make an appointment with my GP soon (and I so wish the surgery had an online booking system) to remind her about me needing my vitamin d, b12, & folates checking, (& also about the fact that my knee and shoulders still like to sublux, although I doubt this will be listened to at all, so it's probably a waste of time even mentioning it). I also feel like I should talk about my mental health more. I've run out of the Diazepam now. I tried to make it last as long as possible, but honestly I think I need to be on it fairly regularly for now. It seems to be the only thing that helps calm me down a little. I'm nervous about asking for it specifically though; because doctors always seem to mention that it can be addictive. My one-off Psychiatrist appointment is next month, but I'm finding it so hard to cope at the moment, that I feel as if I need something to last until then at least.
I'm getting more mood swings at the moment. I can go from really low, to paranoid, to snappy, random days when I want to do everything (but chronic illness means I can't) to panicky & agitated, and then feel completely numb the next day. I'm also having days where I get this real urge to confess every bad thing I ever said or did. It's as if I think of myself as this absolutely horrible person, who is putting on a show of being nice, and sooner or later people will realise what I'm *really* like.
I've had very vivid dreams recently. I won't say what they've been about, but last night's was horrible, really messed up. I've had very intrusive thoughts that I've found almost impossible to ignore. I was sure other people could read my thoughts, so I've been really awkward and edgy round my parents in particular. It's like I need to get away from everyone, so they don't have to deal with me anymore.
I had some strong suicidal urges earlier. I couldn't distract myself & there were times I really thought I'd have carried through with the urges. Again, I won't give details.
I did want to sleep a lot better tonight, but with so much on my mind, I think I'm just going to have to try and distract myself as much as possible, and hope I'll wear myself out enough to sleep soon.
(TW: Suicide mention)
I seem to be struggling more than usual at the moment (mental health & physical health-wise). Maybe it's the colder weather or the time of year or something (it's been a lot worse since December, so maybe the Christmas period/New Year?).
The colder weather has definitely made my symptoms flare up; pain more than anything else. My legs hurt a lot more than usual & it's really affecting my mobility. I don't have a wheelchair, so I'm leaving the house even less now. On the subject of wheelchairs, when getting the last bits of food shopping for Christmas last month, my parents and I visited a supermarket that'd recently opened. It had lots of facilities, large car park etc, and it also had spare wheelchairs. I was really struggling with pain & was considering using one. There was only one left though, so I tried to just carry on walking. I thought that if I took the last one, then there might be someone who needed it more who then didn't have one to use. I guess I also thought, for some reason, that someone would say I didn't really need it (internalised ableism of course). After a couple of minutes though, I realised there was just no way I could carry on in so much pain. Even though I was still exhausted and in pain, using the wheelchair was definitely a better idea than not using one. It also turned out that when I did decide to get one, another one was free so at least there was still a spare one for someone to use.
I've been trying so hard to keep a smile on my face and not worry my family. It's hard to be totally honest with them, about how I've been feeling. I'm constantly teetering on the edge of a mental health crisis, but there's nowhere to turn. I feel like I need some immediate help, but I can't even attempt to get any unless I know what specific help I need, and there just doesn't seem to be any available regardless. I don't want to worry my family; partly because I don't like worrying/bringing down people, partly because there's nothing they could do anyway. I need to make an appointment with my GP soon (and I so wish the surgery had an online booking system) to remind her about me needing my vitamin d, b12, & folates checking, (& also about the fact that my knee and shoulders still like to sublux, although I doubt this will be listened to at all, so it's probably a waste of time even mentioning it). I also feel like I should talk about my mental health more. I've run out of the Diazepam now. I tried to make it last as long as possible, but honestly I think I need to be on it fairly regularly for now. It seems to be the only thing that helps calm me down a little. I'm nervous about asking for it specifically though; because doctors always seem to mention that it can be addictive. My one-off Psychiatrist appointment is next month, but I'm finding it so hard to cope at the moment, that I feel as if I need something to last until then at least.
I'm getting more mood swings at the moment. I can go from really low, to paranoid, to snappy, random days when I want to do everything (but chronic illness means I can't) to panicky & agitated, and then feel completely numb the next day. I'm also having days where I get this real urge to confess every bad thing I ever said or did. It's as if I think of myself as this absolutely horrible person, who is putting on a show of being nice, and sooner or later people will realise what I'm *really* like.
I've had very vivid dreams recently. I won't say what they've been about, but last night's was horrible, really messed up. I've had very intrusive thoughts that I've found almost impossible to ignore. I was sure other people could read my thoughts, so I've been really awkward and edgy round my parents in particular. It's like I need to get away from everyone, so they don't have to deal with me anymore.
I had some strong suicidal urges earlier. I couldn't distract myself & there were times I really thought I'd have carried through with the urges. Again, I won't give details.
I did want to sleep a lot better tonight, but with so much on my mind, I think I'm just going to have to try and distract myself as much as possible, and hope I'll wear myself out enough to sleep soon.
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