Connecting the Dots: Counselling Session 8

(TW: Abortion discussion)

This session, I told my counsellor how I'd been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. She asked me to embellish, and I said how a lot of it was due to triggering news and discussions, as well as bad political news items. I read up on this because I'm interested in it, but it does get me down; especially when it seems that a lot is going wrong in the country or the world. I've also found it hard to reply to private messages from friends, due to being so overwhelmed. As much as I love talking to friends, it can be a draining process when there's lots of messages, and/or long messages. I think about what I need to do in order to reply. It includes:

1. Reading the message
2. Processing each point made
3. Thinking about what to reply with
4. Writing it out, while re reading parts of the message received so I don't miss anything out
5. Reading through my reply to make sure I've written it properly and the tone is alright
6. Sending the message
7. Waiting for a reply
8. Go back to step 1 and repeat

Eventually, I have to distract myself from messages and reply again in a day or two (or a week or two if I forget!). I feel bad for ignoring my friends, but I literally don't have the energy for long conversations anymore. 

As for the triggering news, a lot of it was about abortion, and a certain politician's views on it. I just can't seem to cope with other people's opinions on this topic. Whenever there's a negative view towards it, I take it so personally, and it brings me right back to my own traumatic experience. It took a while for me to realise this was a trauma for me, and I haven't processed what happened, and my feelings about it properly. The way I was treated was in a cold, uncaring, judgmental way. I didn't feel supported by the medical professionals I was under the care of. I was not offered the counselling I so desperately needed after it was over. I just had to get on with life at university as if nothing had happened. I remember feeling so numb sometimes, and so low other times. I would spend time with my then partner (the one who turned out to be abusive) in silence. I know it affected him too, even though he wasn't the father. Nowadays, discussion (or even mention) of abortion makes me panic, feel scared (as if I'm in danger), very low, guilty, I have graphic mental images of the abortion itself, I can even feel the physical pain I was in. I think I do actually have flashbacks now.

I certainly wasn't as fluent in talking about the abortion face to face, as I am, writing it now. I can sort of disconnect when I'm the one talking about it. It's almost as if I'm talking about a character in a book; not myself. Face to face, talking it through with another person, and hearing their views on my experiences, is different though. As I tried my best to talk through what happened and how I felt, as well as the feelings and mental images I have when experiencing flashbacks, I began to feel breathless and panicky. I also became dizzy and struggled to pronounce words. Every time I said a long word, I kept repeating it, and saying to the counsellor that I wasn't sure if I'd pronounced it properly. It was all very weird. I felt very weird, and it took a little while for me to get to a point where I could talk about other things.

The bad news around the country and the world fed into my low mood. I felt as if everything was going wrong. I catastrophised things and felt hopeless about it all. I wanted to help people, but with situations in the country being so bad, I didn't know if I would be able to do it. 

After listening to all of this, my counsellor said we should do an exercise. She handed me a sheet of paper, and asked me to write "Low Mood" in the middle of it. I was then asked to draw a spider diagram; writing the things that related to this feeling, or happened to lead to it etc. The things I wrote included the following:

• Abortion - Not processing what happened properly. Feeling trauma, panic, shame, guilt and loss. Complex thoughts around the foetus; thanks to pro life/anti choice opinions. Worrying about this being a loss, and I might never have a chance to have a baby again
• Low self esteem 
• Bullying
• Frustration with myself - not being able to fully control my mental health
• Feeling I'm lacking a sense of purpose
• Using therapeutic techniques, but them not working
• Wanting to control things, e.g. my own mental health

I explained each of these things, as I wrote them down. A running theme seemed to be wanting to control things. We then went onto another exercise. This time, I would draw a sort of timeline, with the word "Control" in the middle, things that fed into or led to the need for control, along the left hand side of the timeline, and pros and cons of having control, on the right hand side. 

Left Hand Side:

• My early beliefs about the world, and people. I'd been taught that if I was nice to people, they'd be nice back. If I helped people, they would do the same for me. 
• When I was bullied, I found that the bullies acted in a way that I didn't expect, so this threw me off. I wasn't prepared for this, so I had no idea how to respond.
• After a long time being bullied, I began to wonder if I even deserved to feel good and have people being nice to me. After all, these people had been horrible, so surely they wouldn't do that if I didn't deserve it? (Remember, these were my early views, I know the world doesn't work like this now)
• Because of all this, I began to want to know what would happen next, in situations, conversations, people bullying me etc.
• I wanted to predict the future, and read people's minds, so I knew how to respond.
• I felt helpless, weak, useless, like a failure, like I would humiliate myself
• So in order to fix this, I needed to gain control.

Right Hand Side:

• Control would lead to reassurance, certainty, feeling strong, knowing how to respond to situations and people. 

As for the negative side to gaining control, this will be discussed in my next session. My counsellor told me that there were only 4 sessions left, so to be aware of that. We discussed what I wanted to do next. I said that counselling is helping me progress, but I need something more intense and specialist in order to focus on and hopefully process properly, the traumatic abortion that I had. I felt I needed some sort of trauma therapy or EMDR. I asked my counsellor what was available. She told me that under this mental health team, the only therapy they offer for trauma is CBT. This is something I've had before, for Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I didn't find it helpful, so I didn't feel very sure that it would help my trauma either. I told her that I'd give it another go, but only because it was that or nothing, so I'm not sure if I'm in the right frame of mind to be having it at all. 

My only other option is to consider private trauma therapy. I've looked up what's available in my area, and the prices start from around £80 for an hour's session. My only regular income is from ESA and PIP, so there is no way I could afford this, on top of all my other bills. I recently decided to set up a Ko-Fi page, which asks donors to buy "coffees" for the person whose page it is. You click on the amount of "coffees" you want to buy, and that goes directly to the person's Paypal account. I have had one donor so far, who I am so grateful to. I need to raise around £800 though, so I can get enough sessions of trauma therapy. The button that links to my page is on my blog, but I've placed the link again here in case anyone would be kind enough to donate and/or share.

Resources

Counselling for trauma and PTSD: https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/trauma-and-ptsd/

What is EMDR?: https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/

Smear Tests - My Experience

(TW: details of a medical test)

I've been thinking about writing this blog post about my experience having a smear test. It is mostly targeted at people who are having/thinking about having their first test and they're not completely sure what to expect. There's information online about smear tests (aka Cervical Screening), on websites such as the NHS website. These tell you what one is, what it tests for, what will happen, when the results will come through, and what each result means. I do not feel by any means this blog post is something to read instead, but I find personal accounts of these tests can be a good supplement to "official" information. Some of what I say will be similar to the information on websites such as the NHS, but I hope to give more of a personal touch to my account.

(Disclaimer: My experience is by no means a universal one, and I do not want to insinuate that it is. People having a smear test may have very different needs to myself, for example, due to disability. Although I am disabled, my physical difficulties do not prevent me from getting onto the couch, in the examination room, unaided. I also use the term "people" rather than "women" as there are many genders where the person may have a cervix, and I would like to be as inclusive as possible.)

Yesterday was the second time in about 6 years that I have had a smear test/cervical screening. I had finished my period the week before, but was finding that I still had pains particularly round my cervix area. It was not debilitating, but was painful enough that it stopped me in my tracks for a minute or so. Because of this, I was nervous about the test and what it might find. I'm also very self conscious about my body, so was very aware of myself when undressing my bottom half.

I only had to wait a few minutes, before being called through by the nurse. She was someone I had seen (for other reasons) a few times before, so that put me more at ease. She asked me how I'd been recently, so I mentioned the throbbing cervix pain. I found that I played it down a bit (by saying it only happened now and again) possibly due to nerves. She took note of what I said, took me seriously, and was compassionate.

She also asked me some questions about my period ( the approximate date my latest one finished, whether it was regular, how heavy the bleeding was, how bad pains were etc) as well as the contraceptive pill I was on, any side effects etc. I told her I've been on Microgynon for a while, I had no side effects, and on this pill my periods are regular and usually not too heavy. My period pain is bad, but not agonising.

The nurse explained what would happen next. I was asked to undress my bottom half, lie down on the couch, bend my knees up then out; putting the soles of my feet together. I found little difficulty with getting onto the couch, as it was at a comfortable level (around hip level). I told her my hips might sublux in this position, as they are very hypermobile, but thankfully they stayed in place. She then explained what she would do next, before inserting a speculum into my vagina and opening it slowly, in order to gain access to my cervix.

It turned out that my cervix was higher up than normal, so a longer speculum was needed. (but the nurse reassured me this was nothing to worry about). She inserted the longer speculum (after removing the shorter one of course!) before opening it and inserting a thin instrument to take a sample from around my cervix. Due to my concerns about the pain I'd experienced after my period had finished, she took a larger sample than usual. She wanted to ensure that there was enough of a sample for thorough testing, to be on the safe side.

She told me that the outer and inner parts of my vagina did not look red or sore, and she wasn't concerned about them right now, but we'd see how the results are.

I found this second test much less uncomfortable than the first test I'd had. The thing I noticed most was the insertion of the speculum. I could feel the sample being taken, but it was barely uncomfortable at all, only lasted a few seconds, and I felt no pain.

Throughout the test, the nurse checked I was feeling alright, and she explained everything she was doing. I felt very at ease to be honest. The test itself only took about 5 minutes, and the nurse checked I was alright and didn't have any concerns or questions afterwards. I was quite dizzy after standing up from lying down, so I sat down to dress, but other than that, I was ok. She also told me that there may be some light bleeding and/or mild stomach pain later that day. The results of the test will be sent to me in about 4 weeks' time. Lastly, she said that if I had any abnormal heavy bleeding, or severe pain around my stomach, vaginal etc areas, to contact the surgery straight away.

I found my experience of this test, a very positive one, with a considerate nurse. I do hope your test, (whether it's your first one or your 10th one!) goes just as well.

"It's a Process" : Counselling Session 7

(TW: Suicide mention, sexual assault details)

I've been extremely depressed this week, to the point of having suicidal thoughts again. Usually, the Sertraline helps calm these thoughts and urges (I'm on the highest dose, so it should be bloody doing something!), but recently, they have managed to break through. I know that there is about a 90% chance I won't actually attempt, but that's because my cat, Billie, is my safety net. He sees me as his mother, and he relies on me all of the time, so I need to be around to take care of him. In that sense, it doesn't matter how much I want to end my life, that option is not available to me.

As well as this, I told my counsellor about what happened at the pharmacy. (You can read about that here , if you want to.)

I told her how the feelings and thoughts, as well as the reactions I had were almost identical to the time I was sexually assaulted at the bus station. It was as if I was having a flashback. I knew that I was in the pharmacy, but I was taken right back to the bus station; having all the alarm-bells-ringing thoughts and feeling like everyone could see what was going on, but no one was doing anything. I felt like I was completely alone and cornered by this strange man. I felt like he could do whatever he wanted to me and I couldn't do anything about it, because I didn't feel strong enough to shout at him etc. All I could do was freeze, or flinch away, and hope the whole thing ended ASAP.

My counsellor wondered whether I could link my reactions etc to the abusive relationship I was in. After some thinking, I said I probably could. The sort of running theme was being connected with a man who felt he had some sort of ownership over my body. The abusive partner was a virgin before he met me, and he basically said that I was obligated to do things for him that he'd never experienced before. As if I was less of a person, and more of an object to fulfil his desires and need to learn about different sexual experiences. When a man treats me in this way, it makes me feel less like a person; as if my identity is either non-existent or doesn't matter to anyone (least of all, him).

I wonder whether my counsellor feels I have PTSD, as I have had traumatic things happen in my life, and the hypervigilance and flashbacks I have are very similar symptoms to what a person with PTSD would have. She asked me to talk more about the hypervigilance and flashbacks too. She seemed interested in learning more about my experiences. In our first session, she did say what I went through sounded like Post Traumatic Stress as well. Whether I pursue the diagnosis or not, I'm just not sure. Unless I can get NHS funded treatment, just having the label doesn't seem that helpful.

We then got onto the topic of identity, and how my mental health and disability blogging and advocacy, had become part of my identity. That isn't a problem in itself, it's just that my online identity, where most of my friends are, only tends to show part of me and my interests. I have occasionally let my friends and followers know about the other interests I have (gaming, cross stitch, singing, keyboard, guitar, flute, metal music, rare nights out, gigs etc) but I don't make them very apparent. I do find myself wondering how well my online friends know me as a whole person. I often see conversations between friends, about their favourite band, film, TV show, game etc and I wonder whether they know mine? I do mention things like Sims 3 (my favourite game), or share posts to do with cute animals or gothic clothing. I told my counsellor that I feel there's a lot to me, just like everyone else, but it's like I've not given myself the opportunity to express other parts of my personality, interests, and hobbies. I worry about losing part of my identity, and I am desperate to grab opportunities to express those parts. Blogging and advocacy are very important to me, but my other interests have their place too. If I spent all my time focusing on the lack of access for disabled people, in many areas of life, and the discrimination faced by people with disabilities, mental health problems etc, I don't think I would ever be happy. Regardless, I still think I don't advocate for my fellow disabled and mentally ill people enough. I want to be stronger, more assertive, more resilient against critical/abusive comments online.

I told my counsellor that I struggled to move forward in life, because of my mental and physical illnesses. I doubt myself, and I struggle to believe in my own abilities and talents. I never say "I play guitar", I say "I play guitar very badly". I still do need to improve my playing a hell of a lot, but I am still able to play, and I shouldn't put a negative spin on things.

I guess that's what Depression and Anxiety particularly do. They make you doubt yourself as a person, as well as the things you do. They enhance your perception of your faults, and minimise your perception of your abilities. It's very hard to fight against all the negative thoughts that tell you that you're failing, or not being good enough.

I'm so fed up of myself and my situation, and I want to do everything in my control to improve.

I asked my counsellor how I could move forward. I told her I was stuck, analysing my problems to a certain degree but not knowing what to do next. I told her what I tended to do in therapy, counselling etc is give the therapist as much information about me as possible, in the hopes they can take that, analyse it, and tell me what steps I need to take to feel better. My counsellor and I agreed that it's not as simple as that. She said that if she did that, and the steps I took didn't work, I'd never be able to trust her again, and the therapeutic relationship would break down.

She told me that therapy/counselling is a process. Throughout the sessions we do what we can to recognise my problems, link them to other things that've happened in my life, make connections, and then hopefully I will go away and think about these things, then come up with ideas for ways I feel ready to move forward. In a nutshell, the counsellor can't give me all the answers and steps to take, all she can do is help me to help myself.

I think these counselling sessions are making me think about the whole process in a different way. I know I'm still searching for answers, but I can't expect the counsellor/therapist/CPN/whoever to find them for me. I need to be patient with myself, and focus on my progress as well as my struggles. I can only be guided.

I'm still not entirely sure how to move forward (apart from joining a choir, or other class relevant to my interests) but I'm gathering information about myself, with the help of my counsellor. I did feel a little better when I came out of my counselling session though. I may not be able to completely control my health, but maybe I can shift my focus or include my interests a bit more, in order to improve my quality of life? I think my counsellor wants me to live in the moment, rather than worrying about the future (whether I'll get married, have children, work again etc) all the time.

My next session is in a couple of weeks, but I will try to write a different post in the meantime, so watch this space!

(I've also set up a Ko-fi page, as I'm needing money for disability based things. One big thing I need is private trauma therapy. If you like my writing and want to read more, please consider donating and I will try to write more often)

Resources

Counselling Session 6: https://www.amysmysteryillness.co.uk/2019/06/judgement-and-entitlement-counselling.html

Symptoms of PTSD:  https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/symptoms-of-ptsd/#.XQgaQLxKiM8

Amy's Ko-fi page ko-fi.com/amysmysill

Judgement and Entitlement: Counselling Session 6

(TW sexual assault)

My Depression wasn't as bad this week, but my Anxiety was pretty bad. I think this was due to some arguments my parents had been having, about moving house. We haven't found anywhere yet, but Mum doesn't feel ready. Unfortunately, Dad wants to move as soon as possible. Because of this, they argue whenever the topic arises.

I really hate arguments. They make me panic, and sometimes dissociate. When I was very young, I used to worry that my parents would divorce and I would be made to live some time in one house, and some time in another. I also used to worry about how they would be able to afford a place to live each. Nowadays, I know that they have a strong relationship and only argue as much as any other married couple would.

Raised voices make me panic too, and I'm not entirely sure why. If I remember correctly, I was shouted at my bullies, but that didn't affect me as much as being jeered at, judged, left out of play, humiliated etc. My abusive ex used to shout too, but again, that wasn't the worst thing about the things he did.

Apart from this, I had been (and still am) feeling very emotional. It's not taken much to make me cry, and things have overwhelmed me far too easily. Because of this, I've found it hard to concentrate and the only thing I've been able to focus on at least a little, is watching the "Chernobyl" series on Now TV.

We then went back to talking about my abusive ex, as well as times I have been sexually assaulted by other men. It has happened a few times, but I've not reported it for various reasons (being drunk, feeling like I led someone on etc). It has really affected my ability to trust most men. If they act in a flirty way towards me, and I don't feel attracted to them, I become hypervigilant but will find it hard to make it clear to them that I do not want anything apart from friendship. I will avoid them if they persist. Men who do not get the message make me feel unsafe. It feels as if they have no regard for consent, and will do what they want. It has even gone so far as to feel as if they feel they have ownership over women's (or people they perceive to be women, I am non binary for instance) bodies.

From there, I don't remember how we got onto this topic, but we discussed society's judgement of people who cannot work; specifically due to chronic illness/disability. I still feel as if society judges me for not working, and for claiming sickness and disability benefits. I also feel they judge how disabled or sick I really am. I get so scared about being contradictory, having a fluctuating illness, and being able to prove my disabilities.

I have said in previous blogs, and I explained to my counsellor how I think about my inability to work. I try to think of the least amount I could manage in a workplace, and the least taxing job I've had in the past. I struggle to sit up for long, concentration is a big problem, pain and fatigue (as well as dizziness when sitting for a while) affect my productivity, and I would be in agony by the end of even a part time shift working at a desk.

My illnesses fluctuate but even on my best days, I simply could not be productive throughout a shift, even with some breaks. I would have many days where I could not get to work either, because of being too exhausted, in pain, or nauseous even. I would have to call in sick so many times that I would lose my job within months. I know this because this has happened even when my illnesses weren't so bad.

And that's not to even mention my mental health problems. The OCD that makes me feel the need to control everything, know what people are thinking and gain reassurance constantly, so I can be prepared, coupled with the Generalised Anxiety that makes me worry about everything, and fixate on things to such an amount that I cannot focus on anything else, finally, the Depression and BPD that affect my moods vastly, that zap my motivation and either slow me right down, or make me so agitated I cannot concentrate.

Even in my blog posts, I feel the need to justify why I am not working. People may assume I do nothing with my day, but that is not true. I try to socialise, clean when I'm able, bake on very rare occasions. The rest of the time, I am managing my illnesses. Managing chronic physical and mental illnesses is a full time job. You have to balance exerting yourself, with resting. You have to pace everything you do. If you move too much, it flares up various symptoms. If you don't move enough, your joints stiffen and your mood is affected. You have to do something each day to feel some sense of purpose and achievement, but not put too much pressure on yourself as it will make you feel mentally and physically drained and overwhelmed. You have to try and attend every appointment, ordering prescriptions, collecting prescriptions, chasing up test results etc. It's a lot to cope with!

This counselling session didn't include an exercise. It just involved a lot of chatting and venting. My brainfog kicked in unfortunately, and I had to keep stopping to remember what I was talking about/what my point was. I became very dizzy and fatigued towards the end too. My counsellor had to get me a glass of water, and let me rest for a few minutes before continuing. Even talking can be exhausting and overwhelming!

After my session, I had to go and collect a prescription. In the pharmacy, I'd just queued up when I felt a breeze on the back of my neck. I turned round, then felt a hand on my shoulder. It was a creepy old man who was standing far too close. He apologised for accidentally blowing on my neck. He continued to touch my shoulder while saying he could see my ponytail moving in the breeze. I forgave him, smiled politely, then stepped away. I flinched until he let go of my shoulder, but he continued to stand far too close for a while, before sitting by the consultation room and staring at me. I got a really bad vibe from this man, and I actually got a flashback to a time when I was sexually assaulted by a strange middle-aged man in the bus station. I had been sitting, waiting for a bus, when I noticed this man staring at me as he approached me. He sat down next to me and told me to give him a hug. I was scared of what he'd do if I said no, so I gave him a quick hug, then tried to ignore him. He then put his hand on my leg as he told me his name was Everton and he was going to Stourbridge. I flinched away when his hand starting moving up my leg. He eventually went away, but the next day, I saw him in town. He commented on me being "sexy" and this sent a shiver down my spine. I didn't want to see him ever again.

The main points of this post are about society feeling entitled to do some things, and judgemental of people who don't do certain things (primarily, working). Consent needs to be respected much more in my opinion. It is so important and can mean the difference between someone trusting you or never again.

Society's Influences and Stigma: Counselling Session 5

(TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self harm and sexual assault)

Leading up to this latest session, I'd been very low, anxious, and lacking motivation. My physical health isn't great (which affects my functioning enough already) but my mental health is quite poor at the moment, and the lack of motivation that forms part of my Depression, really affects my ability to do daily tasks.

I managed to wash and dress, as well as feed myself, but this exhausts me enough. I want to be able to do more, more often, but I'm not on sufficient medication for my pain, so it becomes quite debilitating. I feel like I'm constantly having to balance looking after my mental and physical health.

Anyway, back to the counselling session. My Anxiety and Depression scores were high again, and I told my counsellor that the main things bothering me at the moment were my lack of motivation and worrying about my mum's mental health. I won't go into detail about mum, as it is her business to tell who she needs/wants to. I just want her to get the help she needs to make her life easier to cope with.

We ended up talking about all sorts of things, including how certain things that have happened affect my moods at the moment.

We did an exercise where I had to write down the big events that I think have affected my mental health. These were the termination, the bullying at school, and the abusive relationship at university. Underneath, I put the moods that have resulted from these things. Finally, I wrote down the behaviours that these things have led to. Here is what I wrote:

Termination:
       Moods: Panic, Guilt, Shame, Low Mood, Anxiety
       Behaviours: Avoidance, Releasing anger by venting online, self harm to punish myself, making myself read/watch triggering things, as I feel I deserve to feel that way.

Bullying at school:
       Moods: Identity Problems, Low Mood, Low Self Esteem, Anxiety, Paranoia, Loneliness, Feeling useless.
       Behaviours: Seeking Reassurance, Avoiding Group Conversations, Self Harm when I feel myself acting like I used to, Lacking Motivation

Abusive Relationship: 
       Moods: Low Mood, Low Self Esteem, Anxiety/Panic
       Behaviours: Seeking Validation, Second Guessing Myself, Hyper-awareness, Being Suspicious of Men, Being Promiscuous in the past - seeking comfort, but with risky behaviour

The moods and behaviour from the termination are very complex and contradictory. I either avoid everything, or flood myself with everything. I show self-destructive behaviour; where I am constantly punishing myself, whether that's physically or mentally.

I'm the same with the bullying and the abusive relationship. All the comments and judgments made about me have formed part of my identity and made me feel suspicious of some people. I worry that people have ulterior motives and don't really like me/just as a friend.

I remember a time a friend of mine and I were thinking about meeting up. He'd been quite flirty and I had my guard up, so I kept putting him off. One day, when my parents were on holiday, he turned up out of the blue. Suddenly my safe place (i.e. my flat) didn't feel as safe. I let him in as I wasn't sure how he'd react if I didn't. We watched a movie together, but then he started playing with my hair. I felt like alarm bells were going in my head. I thought he'd try to have sex with me, without my explicit consent. I also worried I'd just let him because I wasn't sure what he'd do if I rejected him. As far as I was aware, he never did anything violent, but my mind instantly thought he might.

I've been sexually abused (by a stranger in a bus station) in the past, when I was a teenager. I didn't discuss this with the counsellor, but thinking back, I think this also fueled my suspicion of men who are flirty with me. If I'm not attracted to them, I find it very hard to reject them and I end up feeling violated, and disgusted in myself if anything happens.

We didn't have time to go through everything, but from what I explained to my counsellor, she spotted a pattern. I was very influenced by society's views, as well as possibly wanting to influence society with my own views. She said this was very interesting and important. This is something she wants us to discuss and unpick in subsequent sessions.

Although my moods have still been pretty awful, I'm at least feeling like I have a good therapeutic relationship with my counsellor, and it helps to talk about how I've been feeling. She gets me to explain certain things I say, gives her view when appropriate, and helps me to understand and pick up on things. I do feel positive about these sessions and I'm hoping in time I will be able to talk more freely about the things I've been through.

There's no "homework" as such, for the next session, but I am continuing my journal and at the very least, it is helping me monitor my moods and fill in the PHQ etc questionnaires.

What Influences Me? : Counselling Session 4

(mention of cancer, suicide method, and death)

At the start of this session, I wasn't sure what to talk about. Not much had happened, mental health-wise, in the last week.

I was still thinking about my old school-friend, who died recently. Although I knew we'd drifted apart, I still blamed myself for not making enough effort. I miss her to be honest. She was a good person.

I'd also had a GP appointment recently, where I was told to taper off my pain medication (Tramadol, slow release) as well as stop my anti-sickness medication. I have struggled with my pain, since lessening my dose of Tramadol, and I'm trying to live with it, but it is affecting my functioning. I want to function better but I can't keep pushing myself to my absolute limits.

As well as this, I'd had some pains around my stomach, hips, and back. The pains were like cramps and were getting to the point where I was doubled over and sweating. The GP seemed concerned about this, and suggested I might have an ovarian cyst. This played on my mind, and I got a bit of a shock when I was handed the blood form and found they were testing for cancer (I reckon ovarian cancer, but I'm not sure if they test for antibodies or something like that.) They say it's around 1 in 2 people who get cancer now, and my parents haven't had it so far, so maybe I won't be so lucky? I'm trying not to think this way, but I can't help worrying this may be a possibility. Even if it's not cancer, any kind of problems with my ovaries makes me scared that my fertility would be affected.

I'm nearly 30 and running out of time where my fertility is at its optimum levels. I feel as if I am running out of time to meet someone, get married, and have children. Life seems to pass by so quickly, and with the death of my friend, it seems to be getting shorter and shorter.

The counsellor seemed very sad that I was thinking this way. She asked me why I thought I wouldn't meet someone.

I said that I just don't see myself having that life, and I'm scared that nothing will change unless I change parts of myself. But how? Where do I start?

I became upset as I told her that I never felt as if I was "enough". With romantic relationships specifically, I always felt as if I was second best, last choice, or just completely unimportant, so I felt like that about myself. I wanted to feel loved, attractive, and respected. She asked me why I felt this was so important?

I said that I wanted to make some sort of difference in the world. I wanted to feel as if my life was worth something, that I was worth something. I don't want to leave this world without doing some good. She also asked me if there were people I looked up to, who had made these kinds of differences in the world. I told her that I had some friends who were very vocal about mental health, and did their best to write in order to tell the truth about mental health services these days, as well as raising awareness and breaking down stigma. They wrote for online magazines and newspapers. They had thousands of followers. I'm not too bothered about having lots of followers, but I do want my opinion to be heard, respected, and understood. I want my words to mean something to someone. I want to do something good, however I can. I wish I had the confidence to do this. I feel I'm wasting my life otherwise.

I admitted that I had done some good. I've been over the phone/text/twitter to someone who was taking an overdose. I have talked someone out of killing themself. According to some friends, my blogging has helped them, and I've helped them by being there for them when they needed it most. I just felt like I could do more, make more of a difference. Even here, I feel like I'm not doing enough, and that I myself am not enough.

After this, my counsellor suggested doing an exercise. She did suggest talking about the future, but I refused, as I was feeling so scared and down about it, that I couldn't bring myself to focus on it right now. Instead, we did more identity work.

She gave me a sheet of paper, and asked me to put myself in the middle. I drew a stick man, and wrote "me" above it. My art skills aren't great...

She then asked me to write the traits I thought I had, around the figure of myself. I struggled a bit, but managed to put things such as "stubborn, determined, wanting to control things, perfectionist, kind, friendly, a good friend, ambitious, impressionable".

We spoke about the traits I had, and I told her that control was a big part of my personality. I'm diagnosed with OCD, although I believe my symptoms are quite mild now, but I am still a real perfectionist who hates to be out of control. We also talked about my stubbornness. My counsellor asked why I thought I was stubborn. I struggled to explain, and couldn't give any specific examples, but I did tell her that when I set my mind to something, I would usually do it. I would listen to advice from others, but it was ultimately me who would make the decision.

Possibly contradictory to the stubbornness, I also felt that I was quite impressionable. If I looked up to someone, I would try to take on parts of their personality. I would also follow their advice. In the past, I would do whatever someone wanted me to do, without question. Maybe I was worried about the consequences, if I did question them? I have a feeling this is how the bullying started anyway.

Lastly, the counsellor asked me to write down people who gave or influenced these personality traits in me. I won't say specific names, but these included friends, parents, and grandparents. I could link certain things to certain people. I also found myself digressing when I talked about some of them. One was a friend of mine who hasn't spoken to me in a long time. He was someone I had a lot of history with, and still thought about recently. I believed I got my determination and ambition from him, at least in some way. I resented how he hadn't been there for me for ages, when I really needed him. I wish we hadn't complicated our friendship, but at the same time, I still have thoughts about being with him again. I wish I could switch off those feelings, but I had a dream about him recently that brought it all back. I hate how influential my dreams are.

My counsellor and I discussed how it is interesting that people can pass certain traits onto people, without intending to. It certainly made me wonder just how impressionable I am.

There was only a few minutes left of the session by that time. My counsellor summed it all up, and said that she felt I was very lonely, unsure of myself, not really feeling like myself anymore. I want to go back to how things were with some friends, and my own traits (confidence, feeling attractive etc). I doubt myself and dread the future. She asked me what I'd like to do between sessions, in order to make some sort of change in myself. I asked what I could do, but she wanted me to come up with my own suggestions, as this wasn't rigidly structured (like CBT). Eventually, she said journalling would be useful for me. I could put what's important to me, the traits I have/inherit, how I'm feeling etc.

This session brought up a lot of difficult things that I have to face. I cried as I explained how lonely I'd been feeling. It's played on my mind ever since, so found it hard to put everything down on paper.

I will probably post about how the journalling is going, so might have posts every few days. It depends on how I feel. If I don't, then the next post will be about my next ENT appointment, where I undergo Vestibular tests for dizziness and balance problems. After that, I will post about my next counselling session.

All About Identity: Counselling Session 3

TW: Mentions of abortion, weight, death, and suicide

Again, lots of things have happened recently, and I feel completely overwhelmed. If it isn't something happening in my life, with friends and/or family, it's something on the news or social media that has deeply affected me. I was definitely in need of yesterday's counselling session. She called me through to her room, and as we sat down, she went through my answers to the depression/anxiety/phobias etc questionnaires. I had lower scores on some things, and higher scores on others. She asked me what had gone on recently.

A big piece of news for me was finding out (via Facebook unfortunately) that an old schoolfriend of mine had died. Although I wouldn't call us best friends, we were friends and had known each other since Year 3 of primary school, right up until now. The news had come a little late for me, so the funeral had already passed. At first I was really shocked, and then in floods of tears. After this, I had really confused feelings about it all. The truth was, although she hadn't spoken to me in a while, I hadn't made the effort to talk to her recently either. I didn't blame her at all, but I did blame myself. I wish I had the energy to keep in contact with all my friends, but it just isn't possible. I don't want to lose any of them though, and I guess losing a friend to death has made me realise how important friendship is, how short life is, and how important it is to keep your loved ones close.

Anyway, I digress. Some really prominent feelings I had about my friend's passing were guilt, anger at myself, and regret. How dare I feel upset about someone I hadn't made the effort for? How dare I allow myself to be comforted for my loss, when others had been much better friends to her?

The counsellor seemed to find it quite sad and interesting that I had those feelings. Again, I was blaming myself for my own feelings, and thinking that I'm reacting the "wrong" way.

We then moved on to the next thing that had affected me deeply. This was the news of an abortion ban in Alabama (please Google for more info, I can't bear to read any articles on this). I tried to listen to the news item, but found myself dissociating. Nothing felt real, I felt as if I were elsewhere, I felt like someone else was moving and speaking for me. This lasted a few hours, but I did manage to function for some of it. I just felt as if I were going through the motions rather than consciously going about my day. Dissociation can have such an effect on someone, yet can be totally invisible to someone not experiencing this. Usually, I would be triggered, panicky, dizzy, nauseous, scared, suicidal, urges to self harm etc. I suppose I expected to feel that way, because being exposed to anything about abortion made me react that way usually.

The counsellor asked how I thought I should feel, and I explained this to her as fluently as I could. I was judging and criticising my own reactions to things that usually affect me deeply. I said that I would like to get to a point where my reactions, feelings, thoughts etc weren't so extreme. I wanted to just feel upset and angry at the news, but not to a point where I couldn't focus on other things. I want to feel things the "normal" not "extreme" amount.

We talked a bit more about how I judge my own emotions and reactions, and she asked where I think this judgment stemmed from. I told her about the bullying I experienced from the start of primary school, right until the end of secondary school. I've said it in previous posts, but this bullying was mostly psychological, and involved everything I said, did, thought, wore, looked like, being judged. Before all this, I wasn't that aware of myself, and so didn't feel critical of certain aspects of myself.

I said that these judgments seemed to seep into my own identity, and I have very critical views of myself. I worry about everything I say, I wonder whether I'm doing things "correctly". I pay careful attention to what I wear, I use makeup to enhance what I do like, and conceal what I don't, I second guess my beliefs. I believe everything about myself to be wrong and not enough for acceptance.

My counsellor asked if I react extremely to anything else. I said I tend to get very worried about relationships and friends. I'm a people pleaser, but I never feel worthy enough for my partner at the time, or my friends.

I remember when something happened to a couple of my close friends online. They believed it was one person at fault, that they both knew. Although I would never do what this person did, I immediately felt guilty and scared that they would think it was me. I got so worked up about this, that I ended up messaging one of them. I then felt scared about doing that, because I thought that only a guilty person would deny doing something.

I get so scared about being judged for things I'm not/haven't done.

We then spoke about identity. How do I form my own identity? Where do my beliefs about myself stem from? Again, it was school. The comments from bullies became so ingrained that I believed them about myself. Even the odd positive (or perceived positive) comment would become part of my identity. At school, I was always complimented on how slim I was. I was told this so much that I took on this identity of the slim friend. Although I worried about everything else, I could eat anything and stay slim, so I didn't worry about my body (apart from my small boobs).

When I had my longest relationship, my partner used to talk about weight a lot; specifically the fact that his ex girlfriend had put on a lot of weight since they broke up. It made me more aware of my own weight. I remember asking him if my weight gain showed. He told me not to worry now, but if I got fat, he would drop hints about going to the gym. At the time, I thought being fat was a thing to feel bad about and do something about, so I didn't see how problematic his views were.

After we broke up, I became very depressed and suicidal. Since then, I have put on a lot of weight, and now it shows, I feel terrible about myself. I also feel bad for having this reaction. I am at least slightly body positive about other people. I believe it is completely the individual's business, how much they weigh, and people should be treated with love and respect no matter how fat or thin they are. Yet I can't feel this way about myself, so am I truly body positive?

We went back to talking about relationships. I said in a lot of romantic relationships, everything seemed fine as long as I was going along with what they wanted, agreeing with their views (or at least accepting them without argument) etc. As soon as I found a problem with something they did/didn't do, or I disagreed with them, suddenly I was the bad guy. In some relationships, I was treated as if I was irrational if I couldn't find a specific example for my argument. I was also treated as if I was causing trouble, and should just let them do what they liked, and not be so "clingy" or paranoid.

I'm not usually confrontational. Counsellor asked if I'm quite laid back and passive in relationships.  I said I guess I am. I tend to let them take the lead and make the decisions. If I make decisions, disagree or try to confront, again, I'm the bad guy.

I told her I seek reassurance about everything. This stems from being judged at school when bullied. I said that I wish I could separate the things I believed (because of the bullies) from my identity. I was so dependent on others' opinions of me, when I take that all away, I don't know what I'm left with. This makes me feel lost and uncomfortable. I want to accept myself, and have a more solid idea about my own identity.

Somehow, the conversation then went on to feminism. My counsellor gave me an example of a time she reacted to something very differently to her partner, and he couldn't understand why it had affected her so much. It involved some instances of misogyny in a television programme. I won't go into all the details (mainly because I'm exhausted after typing for so long!) but it brought up many questions about what we accept, and how our proximity to certain things affects how we react.

She told me that her feminism had formed part of her identity. She then asked me to do an exercise, where I was asked to list what kind of identity I wanted to have. This is what I put:

How I want to feel

• Accepted/accept myself
• Respected
• Treated with kindness, acceptance, civility, like an equal, like a human
• Assertive
• Attractive (physically and personality)
• Trust myself/my own opinion
• Self confident
• Not too influenced

There are probably other things I could add to this, so she told me to take the list home to go over.

It was a really interesting session, where we explored how we form our identity, and my struggles with it. My entire view of myself is strongly influenced by other people, because I have been bullied and criticised for so long that I have accepted it as part of me. I struggle to trust my own judgment and constantly ask for reassurance. I am also terrified of being misjudged, but I am unhappy with my own personality. I want to find any way I can of self improving or becoming of some use in the world.