Let's try this again.

After months and months of avoiding mental health services, and one GP appointment that I got too ill to follow up, I'm finally asking for help again.

It's been a mixture of reasons really. Fibromyalgia flare ups, helping my parents through various things, feeling I don't deserve help, and being too anxious to use the phone (you have to ring up and self refer to the Primary Care team).

It took a breakdown in front of my mum to push me to ask for help. It was mum who got in touch with the GP and then the mental health team to get me to stop avoiding this. I've been getting close to crisis point recently so of course it's important I get some sort of support. I've bottled up so much (and 'coping' by self harming) because I didn't want to worry my parents and I didn't want to bring any attention to myself. I knew it wasn't a healthy thing to do, but I felt that I had to do it.

After a very nervous wait, I had a callback from the Primary Care mental health team earlier today. I was shaking the whole time, but managed to give them the details they needed (contact details, diagnoses, previous therapies, demographic questions etc). They asked if I was suicidal/had plans too, and gave me some helpline numbers. I don't know if I'll manage to ring if I'm in crisis (it's scary enough even on good days!) but at least I know who to contact.

So, the next step is a phone assessment this Wednesday. It's been a while since I've had a mental health assessment, so I'm glad it'll happen even if I'm really nervous about it being over the phone. The person on the phone today was really friendly and patient with me though, and I hope the person I speak with next is the same.

My next post should be much sooner than usual, and a lot longer than this one! I'll be talking about the assessment and what the next step will be.

I hate my skin.

TW: This post includes details of self harm. Please take care reading it. 

I pick my skin. A lot. Several times a day. I've done it at least since my teens, but it has got a lot worse in the past year or so. I absolutely hate my skin at the moment and even though it's mainly because of my picking, It also give me the severe urge to carry on picking. I've been trying to think of why I do it, what my triggers are etc. I tend to do it much more when I'm stressed, anxious, or very depressed. This can be to distract myself from the thing/s I'm stressed about, or can be as a form of punishment if I've been too anxious or depressed to do something. I also find that if I see a flaw (a spot, bit of dry skin etc) I just *have* to sort it out. I will do this for hours on end; as if I'm in some sort of trance. It's like an itch that gets worse, the more I leave it. I cannot concentrate on anything else, and all I can think of is "fixing" that flaw. Of course, it rarely helps my skin. Quite the opposite in fact. The more I pick, the worse it gets, and I have marks that I don't think are ever going to go away.

It's got to a point where I don't just use my fingers, I use pins as well. I've come to realise that this has become a form of self harm. Although it hasn't required medical treatment, I've caused myself to bleed a fair amount, and have needed to use plasters. Small parts of my body have reduced/no feeling now as well. 

I've admitted (some of) this to my parents, and think it has worried them. I try to conceal the wounds and make excuses for why I've been out of the room for so long. It is something I guess I feel ashamed of, but the more I hate myself for it, the more I do it!

I've been trying very very hard to reduce how often I do this and have so far managed up to a day with no picking. I just about managed yesterday, and I'm trying to make it two days without picking. It is so difficult, because I'm having to try to ignore those intrusive thoughts and urges. I'm trying to find ways to distract myself, by keeping myself as busy as I can. This of course isn't helping my physical health, but sometimes I have to compromise in order to help my mental health a bit. 

A while back, I bought one of those fidget toys. It was some little wooden blocks strung together with elasticated string. You could make different shapes by twisting and moving the blocks. Unfortunately, I found it didn't really help. It kept my hands busy for a bit, but it just wasn't the same. I wasn't "fixing" anything, just adjusting it. 

I've tried adult colouring books too. It helps a little, and can be a good distraction sometimes, but it doesn't require much focus so doesn't really help keep my mind off intrusive thoughts and urges. 

In order to calm my skin down a little, I've used ice cubes on the worst marks. Although it took some of the redness away, I ended up using this as a way to harm myself; by holding the icecubes on my skin until the pain was too hard to bear. 

At the moment, I'm using cross stitch to distract myself and keep my hands busy. I struggle with concentration, but on my not-so-bad days, I can focus on this and push those picking urges back a little. I game a lot as well; casual gaming when I can't concentrate for too long. 

I'm feeling so restless right now, but I'm trying to hold it together and not give in. Can I make it to two days without picking? Wish me luck, I need it!

A Review of Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion (Sponsored Blog Post)

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post. I have been given this product as part of a product review through the Chronic Illness Bloggers network. Although the product was a gift, all opinions in this review remain my own and I was in no way influenced by the company. 

My pains have been so bad recently, and noticeably so in my knees. I've been on Tramulief Slow Release (100 mg) for a little while now and, although it really does help & lasts once it kicks in, it doesn't give the quick relief I need for my joints. I also find it doesn't really help with the stiffness either. 

I've tried topical treatments in the past and have found no relief whatsoever. A lot of them just give a warming feeling and smell strongly of chemicals. I'd heard of the benefits of CBD (Cannabidiol) oil, but was unsure whether it'd be worth the money. I'd already spent a lot on treatments that didn't work. When I was given the opportunity to try a new lotion containing CBD oil, I (figuratively!) jumped at the chance and straightaway accepted. I am so glad I did! This is my review of Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion.

Fay Farms have introduced a new product to their range. Fay Farms Rejuvenation lotion is a very natural product; combining herbs and essential oils for relief of joint and muscular pain. Its ingredients include magnesium, hemp oil, valerian, turmeric, and 200 mg CBD (cannabidiol) oil; which are known for their anti inflammatory and relaxation properties. 

Packaging

Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion arrived in a fairly large but slim bottle with a pump lid for easy application. It looks very different to other products in my bathroom, so stands out easily. The gold label and beautiful detail on the front give Rejuvenation Lotion a premium look. 

The Scent

It has quite a strong, but fairly pleasant smell. Ingredients in this product (such as jojoba and vanilla) are easily identified & give a natural scent to Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion. The smell lasts a little longer than I would like, but does eventually fade.

The Feel

This lotion has a lovely thick, creamy texture; which spreads well over the affected area. A sufficient amount of the product can be obtained from one dispensing. The pains in my knees have been particularly bad recently, so I decided to try the product on them for now. It takes longer to absorb than I would like, but does not tend to leave residue on clothes, as far as I have found.

Is it Effective?

Personally, I've found it very helpful! This came as a surprise to me, as topical treatments don't tend to help my pains. I'm very glad I tried it however. It doesn't take too long for the effects to kick in and it happens gradually. I found it relaxed my muscles just enough, and eased the stiffness quite quickly. I'm able to move with a little more ease; which is such a relief. I will be very likely to purchase Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion when this bottle runs out. 

Give it a try!

If you would like to try Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion, you can find it here . You can also find other Fay Farms products on the CBD products page of the Canna Tree House website.

References:

Chronic Illness Bloggers website - http://www.chronicillnessbloggers.com

Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion page - https://www.cannatreehouse.com/products/the-fay-farm-rejuvenation-cbd-lotion

Canna Tree House CBD products page - https://www.cannatreehouse.com/collections/cbd-products

So, what now?

Since I moved house (end of last year!) I've been avoiding sorting out referrals; mainly mental health ones. There are various reasons for this, such as the exhaustion from the move,  and other things taking priority, but I've been avoiding delving into all my mental health problems.

I've made some progress on my own, but I keep going back to square one, and I need some proper support. As you may know I did have a psychiatrist, and was due to see her soon. Her secretary said she would call back to arrange a home visit so I could then be transferred to the mental health team in the area I live now. It all sounded very simple and at the time I felt relieved. After weeks of no reply from secretary or psychiatrist, I chased them up and they'd now decided that I would have to just go to my GP and get referred to the mental health team where I live now. There would be no appointment for a meds review or to transfer me.

I felt as if I'd been forgotten about. To be honest, I've felt like that a lot of times with mental health services. I'm sort of left to my own devices, with no continuous support (even though I have frequent suicidal thoughts and self harm regularly). I could've been a real risk to myself, and no one would've known.

Anyway, I have approached my GP about referral to my local mental health services. I told her that the whole thing had been really confusing and I didn't know if I'd be getting the therapy that had been suggested. Unfortunately the GP didn't know much about different therapies, so she upped my Sertraline dose; based on the fact that my Depression score was still high (21 I think?). It turns out that I can self refer to the primary mental healthcare team; who will then refer me to the appropriate service. I have a feeling they'll just try and get me to go through CBT all over again. If they do, I'm very tempted to tell them to forget it. That may be the depression talking, but I'm so fed up of getting so far, being built up with promises of various services, and then it all being taken away.

I may have mentioned this before, but I've been really confused about what my actual "official" diagnoses are. My GP showed me a letter from my medical notes (possibly the psychiatrist one?) and I noticed it said Moderate Depression, Anxiety, & Agoraphobia. The contents of the letter mentioned "symptoms of OCD" too. I didn't get chance to see more of the letter than that, but it kind of annoyed me that I'd been told one thing (i.e. the psych agreeing that I do have OCD) and another thing had been written down. It makes me wonder if other things I've been told, haven't made their way into my notes either? For example, the two therapies that were suggested to me (EMDR, & Psychodynamic therapy). I really want to get a copy of my medical records, but keep forgetting to ask. I just want things cleared up! I feel as if I'm being kept out of the loop so to speak. It reminds me of the time I'd been under the impression I had an M.E. diagnosis, but my notes said "Anxiety Disorder".

Back to the point; self referral. I have to ring up to self refer, so it's going to take more time for me to build up the courage for that. It's taken long enough for me to be completely honest and open with mental health staff, so it feels as if I'm back to square one!

Have you found yourself very lost with mental health services, and whether things suggested to you (diagnoses, therapies etc) were actually written down in your medical notes? I'd be very interested to hear how similar my experience is to others'.

"If you can do X, then you can do Y"

The above phrase, and those similar to it, really piss me off. Usually X and Y are quite different things, and the assumption that the ability to do X makes Y possible too, is so simplistic and just plain inaccurate. This kind of belief seems to form the basis of disability assessments, and ignores how different situations lead to different responses and abilities from the person (trying to) cope with them.

Here's a really obvious example : "If you can type on social media, then you can work". Yes, typing is a task done in many jobs, but being able to type a few words in response to acquaintances online isn't the same as concentrating for hours on tasks involving typing, and meeting the targets that employees are often set. In such a job, it's likely you'll need to communicate with other members of staff, fetch and carry things, attend meetings, and use the phone amongst other tasks. So no. It's not just typing.

Another one would be the assumption that, if you can cope with one group situation, you can cope with every group situation. Again, other things need to be considered. How big is the group? How far away is the session? Can the person always get transport there/if they need someone to accompany them? Is the group situation a formal or informal one? Can the person leave if/when they need? What facilities are there (toilets, drinks facilities, disabled facilities etc).

I have various anxiety disorders that can severely affect what I'm able to do. Different environments and situations can have a big impact on me as well. On a good day, I may be able to meet a couple of friends in town for coffee (as long as I can get transport from my dad or one of my friends). It has to be close friends who understand that I struggle, and are patient with me. They have to know that I need to be in the quieter areas of town, have places to sit down, and they need to be ok with it if I'm struggling too much and need to go home.

This doesn't mean I could cope with *any* group situation. A while back, I was referred to the Expert Patients Programme to help me manage the combination of mental and physical problems that I have. The content of the programme sounded interesting, and at the time I was feeling a bit lost as to how to cope with everything. Unfortunately, the thing that stopped me taking part was the fact that it was a group programme. I knew that everyone there would be in a similar boat to me, and that the staff would be understanding if I needed to leave, but this didn't stop me from being far too anxious to go.

I understand the need to apply things to different situations, but there are so many other things to consider. For lack of better phrasing, if someone can do X, then that only shows that they can do X. Y may be impossible for them. Please believe us, even if you can't fully understand the complexities of our health problems.

More than a pet

Since my last post, there's been some changes in my life. I always promised myself that if I moved into a bungalow, where the landlord allowed pets, I would get a cat. I've had one before, and found that this helped my mental health a little.

For me I find it's having someone to look after, some responsibility. It's more than a distraction. It's that feeling of being needed I think. Knowing that you've given a loving home to your cat is of course a big positive thing too.

The cat I have now is so affectionate. His name is Billie, he's my little shadow, and I love him to bits. He can be a little terror sometimes, but it's all worth it. Physically, it's taking its toll on me, but I don't really mind. Mentally, I feel that my general anxiety isn't as bad.

I'm having to push myself more right now anyway. My dad's physical health has worsened, and he will be having his first knee replacement tomorrow. He is due to have another replacement of his other knee too, but I'm not sure when that will be done.

I did want to say my mental health overall was a little better, but it seems I've had a relapse with the depression. I think a few things may have triggered it, but it can be hard to pinpoint. I feel as if I'm just about holding on right now. I'm having times where I feel numb, times when I'm very self loathing and guilt ridden, and times when I just feel *wrong*. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

I'm really hoping that this is just a bad patch that will ease soon. I'm waiting for a call back from my psychiatrist to arrange a meds review, so will have to mention this to her. I do need to get some support from mental health services in the area I live now, but I'm very confused as to what's available. I also don't know if I'm ready to do any sort of therapy just yet either.

I wish I had more to say in this post, but I'm finding it hard to find the words. I'm struggling, and I think it's taken a little while for me to realise that. I'm going to try the self care thing, cuddle Billie cat, and get what sleep I can. Thanks for reading.

A Review of MedNexus: A more accurate search engine for medical information.

MedNexus is a search engine; specifically designed for medical information. It began as a website only accessible for medical professionals, but has now been made available for patients. What sets it apart from other search engines (Google, for instance) is that it only displays accurate and reliable information. The user does not need to sift through pages of irrelevant information in order to get the answers they need. As a chronic illness blogger, I like to keep myself informed on various things to do with the medical conditions that I talk about; whether it is how the condition is diagnosed, treatments available, new research developments, or anything else that may be useful for myself and my readers. I decided to test the MedNexus website, to see how well it delivered on its promises.


Home page

The layout of MedNexus' home page is a very clear one; with easy to read sans serif font. The search box is right in the middle of the page, and I find my eyes are drawn to it straightaway. If you want to go straight to common, chronic, seasonal, or recently searched images, suggestions are available on the same page. They are clearly laid out and organised into columns.

As you scroll down, there's a short description of what the website does; i.e. its purpose. It also states why it is the ideal search engine for medical information specifically.

 "For all levels of expertise". This quote implies that there are different ways you can search; depending on what you need to find. It shows how this search engine can work for you; regardless of your level of expertise.

The information on the homepage is laid out in a clear, concise way. It is separated into small, easy to read paragraphs and columns; with a clear subheading for each.


Testing the search facility

I decided to try out a general search then a more specific search, to see how easy it would be to get the exact information I desired. As you may know, one of my medical conditions is Fibromyalgia. I wanted to see how accurate the results would be, if I searched for information on this.


General search

To start off the search, I simply typed in "Fibromyalgia". I found that as I began to type, a drop down menu was displayed; giving search suggestions. Some of these suggestions included "What is Fibromyalgia?", and "How do you treat Fibromyalgia?". I found this a useful feature, as it allowed me to narrow down my search even more; so was more likely to result in quickly finding the answer to a particular question about the condition.

The results could be ordered by relevance or most recent. They are also categorized into "Health topics", "Published research", and "Forum discussions".


Specific search

For this search, I typed in "What are the risk factors for Fibromyalgia?". The same categories as the general search were displayed in the results. The first result I came across was entitled "Fibromyalgia causes"

Looking around the results page, I noticed the left hand side displayed sections entitled "Common risk factors", "Previous searches", and "Explained". I found that these broke down the results and explained them in a less scientific way.


Other links

Other links available on each page include "Home", "About", "FAQ", "Blog", "Privacy", "TOS", "Contact", and links to MedNexus' Facebook and Twitter pages.

I was disappointed to find that when the Facebook or Twitter link is clicked, it opens in the same tab. This could be an inconvenience for people who want to keep a particular page open on the main site. It would be better if these links opened in a new tab or window by default.


Overview

Overall, I find this search engine a very useful one. It cuts down the time taken to search for the information I need, and I do not have to pore through medical jargon in order to obtain accurate and informative answers. On the whole, this appears to be a fairly accessible website; in terms of its clear layout, the font it uses, and how it can be navigated. I am very likely to use MedNexus in future; as I feel it meets my needs much better than other search engines.


What do you think?

MedNexus are looking for feedback, and suggestions on how they can improve. They would like you to complete this short survey  to share your experiences on this. I recommend giving this website a go, and seeing if it works for you!


Resources

1. MedNexus Homepage: http://www.mednexus.io/

2. MedNexus Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/mednexus.io

3. MedNexus Twitter page: https://twitter.com/med_nexus

4. MedNexus Survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/2D5ZR58