Not a huge amount has happened recently. If I'm honest, I've felt a bit ignored by doctors, therapists etc.
In a way, I've preferred not having therapy at the moment. For many reasons I suppose. Sometimes it's because I've felt able to try and do things on my own. I felt as if things were do-able. Other times, I've not felt ready to go back into therapy. I suppose I've wanted to be left alone (which is strange; considering how hard I've tried to get more support!)
Maybe I worry too much will be expected of me? I'm trying to do things at my own pace, and accept that it's going to take a while. Even on days where I'm feeling more able to go out of the house on my own (for example), my physical health vastly limits what I can do. It feels like a balancing act.
(TW meds & self harm) I'm now on 150mg Sertraline a day, and it seems to be the right level for me right now. I'm having less crises, and even have days where I don't feel strongly suicidal! What I am doing more of though is self harming. It took me a while to realise that it is a form of self harm. I don't want to go into details about it. I tend to do it for different reasons, and I think that it has become a compulsion as well. I've been trying to find distractions, even buying one of those fidget toys on Amazon, but once I start, it is extremely difficult to stop.
It's been 3 months since I was sent a referral letter for physiotherapy. My original post about the Orthopaedic assessment is here . The letter told me to ring a number, and give my name, hospital number, and any dates I'd be unavailable for an appointment. So I rang. The automated message told me to press 1 to book an appointment. I did so, and was told to leave a message with the details they required.
I finally got up the courage to ring the hospital to ask why I hadn't heard anything yet. It turned out, that they hadn't got the message, and I was supposed to wait to speak to a receptionist to book the appointment! I wish this had been stated more clearly in the letter. I also wish they'd sort the damn phone system out! I find it difficult enough to use phones (because brain fog & anxiety). I'd been discharged because they hadn't heard anything from me. I was told to get in touch with my GP, and get re-referred. I said thank you, and hung up.
After the phone call, of course I became panicky. I've been needing physiotherapy for so long, and it seemed to be so hard to obtain an appointment! Mum rang the GP surgery for me, and passed the phone over when she got through to my GP's secretary. I was still panicky and confused, but I had to take the call. Thankfully, the secretary was lovely! I explained my situation, worried that I wouldn't make any sense, but the secretary understood & got it sorted for me. She warned it would be a long waiting list though.
I was expecting another few months wait, but I had a hospital letter come today, with an appointment for the start of November! There must've been a cancellation. The physio place is close to my house, so I should be ok getting there. I've been to that place for blood tests too, so know my way around.
My next post will probably be about my first physiotherapy session. In the meantime, thank you for reading :)
Thursday, 22 October 2015
Thursday, 3 September 2015
Latest Psychiatrist appointment
I had my follow up psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday, and it went a lot better than expected! I'd used all the relaxing techniques I could think of & kept telling myself that if it was as bad as the last time, I didn't need to go back.
I usually find the place quite triggering; especially when my Depression's bad. It's probably because (most of) the times I've been there, I've felt as if the staff weren't taking me seriously. I'd had psych assessments there with the Crisis Team a couple of times, & it'd only made me feel worse. No matter what I said, how honest I was etc, the response was always along the lines of "We can't help you. Keep taking your meds, keep doing CBT". It takes a lot for me to ask for immediate help, and you can guarantee I've tried everything else (in terms of self help, self care etc) so to get that response makes everything feel pointless.
If you read my post I'm trying. I'm really trying you'll know that my first psychiatrist appointment wasn't exactly brilliant. I was expecting to see the same person this time, and I suppose I presumed he wouldn't listen this time either. My main aim was to get my words out and at least talk about how the Sertraline was working for me.
My neighbour was giving me a lift to my appointment, but she had to take me there 30 minutes early because of an appointment she had to get to at the same time. This sudden change of plans, although small, made me so panicky & even angry. I managed to pretend everything was fine. I hated myself for the way I'd reacted though. When going anywhere, I have to have a specific plan in my head as to what I'll do, in what order etc. It's supposed to be so I have as little stress as possible, but a change to a plan can have the opposite effect. The psychiatrist's waiting room is quite small, & the chairs face each other (which is really anxiety-inducing when it's busy!) but thankfully the main waiting area in reception is a lot more relaxed; with chairs quite far apart and a toilet that was easy to get to. I worked out the plan that I would wait in reception for 15 mins, I would then give myself 5 mins to use the toilet, and then I could slowly walk round to the psychiatrist waiting area and be there just in time. That way, (if he wasn't running late) it would only be a very short wait. I wore a necklace my best friend gave me, which I used as a sort of "lucky charm". I also brought a bottle of water & my anti-sickness tablets (I tend to get very nauseous when I'm nervous). It turned out that the psychiatrist's waiting room was very quiet, and there was no one in the seats opposite mine. I only had to wait a couple of minutes before I was seen.
The psychiatrist who saw me was a different one to last time (to my relief!). She was friendly, welcoming, and patient with me. It was clear that she had read my notes too, so I didn't feel as if I had to tell her my life story. She asked a few questions about how I'd been finding the medication, what therapy I'd been referred for, how my mental health had been etc. She gave me time to open up about other things (including the self harm) too.
I managed to say a lot more this time! I spoke about how the Sertraline took a bit of the edge off the anxiety and suicidal thoughts, but I felt that the effects wore off very quickly. I also spoke about how I have Diazepam to take as needed. She was happy for me to stay on both meds, and decided to up my Sertraline dose from 100mg to 150mg.
I then spoke about how I'd been finding CBT. It had helped very slightly with some things, but I'd been through my third round and didn't think it fit with my problems. The main thing was that CBT is very much focused on the present, and the past is barely touched upon. The different types of Anxiety I have, the OCD, the paranoia, and I suppose the Depression too tend to go right back to when I was at school. Two major triggering events were the bullying I experienced, and the traumatic abortion that I had, and I needed a type of therapy that would address these things so maybe I could get to a point where I can deal with them better.
The psychiatrist agreed that CBT wasn't really working for me, and she asked if I'd had any other form of therapy. I told her how I'd been told that (with my diagnoses), CBT was the only therapy available to me on the NHS. My therapist would be training in EMDR, so that was something I might be able to have in the future, but I'd not been offered anything else. She seemed surprised about this, and said that she believed I should have Psychodynamic therapy.
We spoke about the self harm in depth, as well as the OCD. She asked me some questions about rituals, and agreed with the diagnosis that I'd been given.
After discussing everything, the plan was that I'd be prescribed 150mg Sertraline and I'd keep taking the Diazepam as needed. She told me that she would write a letter to my GP, and that she'd also get in contact with my therapist to see about other types of therapy (preferably Psychodynamic). She also wants to see me in 3 months time, to see how I'm getting on.
Overall, this was a really good appointment! This psychiatrist made me feel at ease. She was understanding, compassionate, non-judgmental, and I really felt listened to. I have no idea how long the wait will be for more therapy, but to know that I may not be completely limited to CBT is a great feeling!
I usually find the place quite triggering; especially when my Depression's bad. It's probably because (most of) the times I've been there, I've felt as if the staff weren't taking me seriously. I'd had psych assessments there with the Crisis Team a couple of times, & it'd only made me feel worse. No matter what I said, how honest I was etc, the response was always along the lines of "We can't help you. Keep taking your meds, keep doing CBT". It takes a lot for me to ask for immediate help, and you can guarantee I've tried everything else (in terms of self help, self care etc) so to get that response makes everything feel pointless.
If you read my post I'm trying. I'm really trying you'll know that my first psychiatrist appointment wasn't exactly brilliant. I was expecting to see the same person this time, and I suppose I presumed he wouldn't listen this time either. My main aim was to get my words out and at least talk about how the Sertraline was working for me.
My neighbour was giving me a lift to my appointment, but she had to take me there 30 minutes early because of an appointment she had to get to at the same time. This sudden change of plans, although small, made me so panicky & even angry. I managed to pretend everything was fine. I hated myself for the way I'd reacted though. When going anywhere, I have to have a specific plan in my head as to what I'll do, in what order etc. It's supposed to be so I have as little stress as possible, but a change to a plan can have the opposite effect. The psychiatrist's waiting room is quite small, & the chairs face each other (which is really anxiety-inducing when it's busy!) but thankfully the main waiting area in reception is a lot more relaxed; with chairs quite far apart and a toilet that was easy to get to. I worked out the plan that I would wait in reception for 15 mins, I would then give myself 5 mins to use the toilet, and then I could slowly walk round to the psychiatrist waiting area and be there just in time. That way, (if he wasn't running late) it would only be a very short wait. I wore a necklace my best friend gave me, which I used as a sort of "lucky charm". I also brought a bottle of water & my anti-sickness tablets (I tend to get very nauseous when I'm nervous). It turned out that the psychiatrist's waiting room was very quiet, and there was no one in the seats opposite mine. I only had to wait a couple of minutes before I was seen.
The psychiatrist who saw me was a different one to last time (to my relief!). She was friendly, welcoming, and patient with me. It was clear that she had read my notes too, so I didn't feel as if I had to tell her my life story. She asked a few questions about how I'd been finding the medication, what therapy I'd been referred for, how my mental health had been etc. She gave me time to open up about other things (including the self harm) too.
I managed to say a lot more this time! I spoke about how the Sertraline took a bit of the edge off the anxiety and suicidal thoughts, but I felt that the effects wore off very quickly. I also spoke about how I have Diazepam to take as needed. She was happy for me to stay on both meds, and decided to up my Sertraline dose from 100mg to 150mg.
I then spoke about how I'd been finding CBT. It had helped very slightly with some things, but I'd been through my third round and didn't think it fit with my problems. The main thing was that CBT is very much focused on the present, and the past is barely touched upon. The different types of Anxiety I have, the OCD, the paranoia, and I suppose the Depression too tend to go right back to when I was at school. Two major triggering events were the bullying I experienced, and the traumatic abortion that I had, and I needed a type of therapy that would address these things so maybe I could get to a point where I can deal with them better.
The psychiatrist agreed that CBT wasn't really working for me, and she asked if I'd had any other form of therapy. I told her how I'd been told that (with my diagnoses), CBT was the only therapy available to me on the NHS. My therapist would be training in EMDR, so that was something I might be able to have in the future, but I'd not been offered anything else. She seemed surprised about this, and said that she believed I should have Psychodynamic therapy.
We spoke about the self harm in depth, as well as the OCD. She asked me some questions about rituals, and agreed with the diagnosis that I'd been given.
After discussing everything, the plan was that I'd be prescribed 150mg Sertraline and I'd keep taking the Diazepam as needed. She told me that she would write a letter to my GP, and that she'd also get in contact with my therapist to see about other types of therapy (preferably Psychodynamic). She also wants to see me in 3 months time, to see how I'm getting on.
Overall, this was a really good appointment! This psychiatrist made me feel at ease. She was understanding, compassionate, non-judgmental, and I really felt listened to. I have no idea how long the wait will be for more therapy, but to know that I may not be completely limited to CBT is a great feeling!
Monday, 10 August 2015
No Reason.
This is a bit of a venting post I'm afraid.
I've been having some rough days recently. Physical health-wise, but it's my mental health that I think I've struggled with most.
I hate how unpredictable my moods are sometimes. The times when I feel numb and empty aren't exactly wonderful, but they're a little easier to cope with than this. I'm not sure how clear I am when explaining it all. I'm trying to understand it myself!
When I first realised I should see the GP about my mental health, I thought that I *might* have Depression, but I wasn't sure if I had enough days where I was struggling enough to need treatment of any kind. (Truth was, I probably should've seen the GP about it years ago!). If you've been following my blog for a while, then you'll know that I was referred for CBT (low intensity for first round, high intensity for second and third) & was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, & (most recently) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (I'm not sure if I'm actually diagnosed with Agoraphobia &/or Social Anxiety Disorder as well, but my therapist has mentioned them on occasion?).
Even though I was going through therapy, I found my symptoms were getting worse, & were a lot more frequent (and I definitely place some blame on my experiences with a Work Capability Assessment, & being on the Work Programme).
Through time, I think I've noticed more things too; like the paranoia I get, & how terrified I get if I have even the slightest inkling that I may be losing friends. I am constantly needing reassurance! I actually have nightmares about losing friends. I've always been really insecure when it comes to friendship, but I think it is worse nowadays. I'd try to explain here how I think a lot of my insecurity stems from my school years, but I'm digressing enough & should probably save that for another post!
I'm not sure how long it's been like this, but I've noticed a shift from having all these feelings/moods/symptoms/whatever you want to call them pretty consistently every single day, to having days where I will feel lots of emotions (including all of this) either all at once, or changing from one mood to another very extremely, very suddenly, & very quickly. Other days, I will feel either completely or mostly numb. I'll feel very empty too & "How are you?" will seem like the hardest question in the world. My last therapist wanted me to try and "catch" my moods before they got too extreme, so I could note them down in thought records. The aim was to try and establish some sort of balance. I am trying to do these thought records, but I'm finding it such a struggle, & I often leave it too late, so can't properly describe how I felt at the time.
Today has been a day where I have felt emotions very very intensely, & my moods have changed very quickly. There's been no particular reason for them either. I went from very chatty, to fidgety, to very anxious (then had a panic attack). I calmed down a while later, but had horrible feelings of dread & felt on the verge of a panic attack yet again. I then found I was a little bit hyper, I watched some TV shows & laughed far too much at the funny scenes, felt full of love at the romantic ones, & really upset at any sad scenes. Finally tonight I had an enormous drop in mood & feel more depressed now than I have felt in a long time. Nothing bad has happened though. I've not had any news, I've not had any arguments, I've not lost any friends (as far as I'm aware anyway!) I've not needed to be anywhere today. I've not had to do anything urgently today. Which just shows that there's not always a particular reason for someone to struggle with their mental health more than usual for a certain amount of time. Sometimes it just happens, & it sucks!
I'm trying to reach out to friends right now. Part of me wants all the support, cuddles, attention etc I can get, and part of me feels I can't cope with conversation. I feel torn by myself (if that makes any sense) & I think this is why I'm venting via this blog right now.
I've been having some rough days recently. Physical health-wise, but it's my mental health that I think I've struggled with most.
I hate how unpredictable my moods are sometimes. The times when I feel numb and empty aren't exactly wonderful, but they're a little easier to cope with than this. I'm not sure how clear I am when explaining it all. I'm trying to understand it myself!
When I first realised I should see the GP about my mental health, I thought that I *might* have Depression, but I wasn't sure if I had enough days where I was struggling enough to need treatment of any kind. (Truth was, I probably should've seen the GP about it years ago!). If you've been following my blog for a while, then you'll know that I was referred for CBT (low intensity for first round, high intensity for second and third) & was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, & (most recently) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (I'm not sure if I'm actually diagnosed with Agoraphobia &/or Social Anxiety Disorder as well, but my therapist has mentioned them on occasion?).
Even though I was going through therapy, I found my symptoms were getting worse, & were a lot more frequent (and I definitely place some blame on my experiences with a Work Capability Assessment, & being on the Work Programme).
Through time, I think I've noticed more things too; like the paranoia I get, & how terrified I get if I have even the slightest inkling that I may be losing friends. I am constantly needing reassurance! I actually have nightmares about losing friends. I've always been really insecure when it comes to friendship, but I think it is worse nowadays. I'd try to explain here how I think a lot of my insecurity stems from my school years, but I'm digressing enough & should probably save that for another post!
I'm not sure how long it's been like this, but I've noticed a shift from having all these feelings/moods/symptoms/whatever you want to call them pretty consistently every single day, to having days where I will feel lots of emotions (including all of this) either all at once, or changing from one mood to another very extremely, very suddenly, & very quickly. Other days, I will feel either completely or mostly numb. I'll feel very empty too & "How are you?" will seem like the hardest question in the world. My last therapist wanted me to try and "catch" my moods before they got too extreme, so I could note them down in thought records. The aim was to try and establish some sort of balance. I am trying to do these thought records, but I'm finding it such a struggle, & I often leave it too late, so can't properly describe how I felt at the time.
Today has been a day where I have felt emotions very very intensely, & my moods have changed very quickly. There's been no particular reason for them either. I went from very chatty, to fidgety, to very anxious (then had a panic attack). I calmed down a while later, but had horrible feelings of dread & felt on the verge of a panic attack yet again. I then found I was a little bit hyper, I watched some TV shows & laughed far too much at the funny scenes, felt full of love at the romantic ones, & really upset at any sad scenes. Finally tonight I had an enormous drop in mood & feel more depressed now than I have felt in a long time. Nothing bad has happened though. I've not had any news, I've not had any arguments, I've not lost any friends (as far as I'm aware anyway!) I've not needed to be anywhere today. I've not had to do anything urgently today. Which just shows that there's not always a particular reason for someone to struggle with their mental health more than usual for a certain amount of time. Sometimes it just happens, & it sucks!
I'm trying to reach out to friends right now. Part of me wants all the support, cuddles, attention etc I can get, and part of me feels I can't cope with conversation. I feel torn by myself (if that makes any sense) & I think this is why I'm venting via this blog right now.
Friday, 24 July 2015
A Break
I've now come to the end of my therapy sessions (If I remember correctly, my last one was 6th July?) & have been meaning to write about this for a little while. I've not really had the motivation to though, and have mainly been pretty quiet.
I feel like this was the right time for this round of CBT to end; as my therapist had done what she can and I guess I'd made enough progress for that point in time. It was more the cognitive side of things, than the behavioural though. She mentioned that, as well as CBT, she'd been using ACT on me (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy). I did feel like this round of therapy had been very different to the previous two (not just because I preferred this therapist), so it didn't surprise me to hear that it hadn't just been CBT that we were doing.
I found that this therapist was very patient with me, but also encouraged/guided me to try out the different CBT etc tools. There were times when I found it difficult to put across how I'd been feeling, why I found some tasks difficult (e.g. monitoring moods, because my moods change so suddenly). It took her explaining, for me to realise that I had in fact made progress though. It was a relief to know that therapy had actually made some difference, no matter how small!
The progress that I've noticed are that I'm not getting suicidal urges as frequently, even though I have suicidal thoughts nearly every day. I've noticed this since being on the Sertraline, but I think the support from my therapist has helped as well. She never pressured me to do anything. She didn't dictate tasks to me; instead, she suggested things & we discussed together. I found that we had a lot in common too, so most of the time, I felt she understood me.
Another bit of progress I've noticed, is that (at least sometimes!) I don't feel quite as guilty about having time to myself. I still have a lot of times where I do feel guilty, & also feel very responsible if I don't think I've been there for friends enough. I guess this ties into my self-loathing. I'm forever thinking that I'm this terrible person, who does everything for self gain, is self-obsessed, & is tricking everyone into believing that I'm nice. It's as if I'm scared that one day, everyone will see the "real" me. I even have very vivid nightmares about it. I get very paranoid about this too, & find that I jump to this conclusion if no one has replied to my messages. I ask for reassurance a lot, & also hate myself for needing it, as I think it makes me very clingy & I'll lose my friends if I carry on.
I still have so far to go with the cognitive side of CBT, it's just not possible to tackle it all in one round! And I've barely even touched the surface of the behavioural side, who knows how long that will take!
Back to the therapy session. My therapist gave me a blueprint to fill in with her, and also discussed a management plan with me. I liked how she gave me the time to go through how I think therapy had gone, what I'd learnt, what progress I think I'd made, what concerns I may have, and what to do if I find I relapse. It gave me a bit of structure, which was what I needed.
I also mentioned the trauma I went through, when I had the abortion. I still find I get triggered even by the mention of it, & I really need to get to a point where I can tolerate hearing/seeing mentions & conversations about it. I'd like to get to a point where I can talk about it more. Maybe other people could relate to how I felt? Anyway, the therapist told me that she was training in EMDR and that she could add this to my management plan, for when I'm ready to face it. I think it won't be for a while yet, but it's good to know that, at least for one thing, I can get help other than generic CBT.
Finally, she told me that she'd like me to have at least a 4 month break from therapy, and then (when I'm ready) to get referred to her again, so that we could start on the behavioural side of CBT. She also reassured me that if I felt I needed support sooner, I could get referred whenever I needed to. This was reassuring, because I always find endings very hard, especially if the person I've seen has been helpful and supportive. Although right now I'm ok with stopping therapy for a bit, that's mainly because I can't see how it could help much more at the moment. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm too well to need it. I wish I could have some ongoing support.I still have a psychiatrist appointment coming up (the last one had to be rearranged, due to a family emergency), but this will purely be to talk about medication.
I think I am (sort of) safe at the moment, but I know that I react to things quickly, and extremely. At some point soon, I could be getting a letter to reapply for ESA, & the thought of this is really terrifying to me; especially as we are now under a Conservative government (who would love nothing more than to take away the vital support than disabled people need). I worry that mentioning any sort of progress (no matter how insignificant in terms of actually functioning better) will score me 0 points in the work capability assessment.
I should be pleased about any progress I make, but instead I end up worried that this progress will be over-exaggerated & used against me to take away the support I need. If this happens, I know that I won't be safe. I am not well enough to work. If I was, I'd be looking by now! As blunt as this sounds (and I don't think my parents feel this way about me), I feel as if I will just be an extra cost to my parents if I lose my financial support. It helps me pay bills, & ensures that I can at least begin to reimburse my dad for the days he has to take off to care for my mum and I. Without that support, I worry that we won't be able to pay our bills. I dread to think what could happen.
I wish I could end this post on a more positive note, but this is the stark reality.
I feel like this was the right time for this round of CBT to end; as my therapist had done what she can and I guess I'd made enough progress for that point in time. It was more the cognitive side of things, than the behavioural though. She mentioned that, as well as CBT, she'd been using ACT on me (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy). I did feel like this round of therapy had been very different to the previous two (not just because I preferred this therapist), so it didn't surprise me to hear that it hadn't just been CBT that we were doing.
I found that this therapist was very patient with me, but also encouraged/guided me to try out the different CBT etc tools. There were times when I found it difficult to put across how I'd been feeling, why I found some tasks difficult (e.g. monitoring moods, because my moods change so suddenly). It took her explaining, for me to realise that I had in fact made progress though. It was a relief to know that therapy had actually made some difference, no matter how small!
The progress that I've noticed are that I'm not getting suicidal urges as frequently, even though I have suicidal thoughts nearly every day. I've noticed this since being on the Sertraline, but I think the support from my therapist has helped as well. She never pressured me to do anything. She didn't dictate tasks to me; instead, she suggested things & we discussed together. I found that we had a lot in common too, so most of the time, I felt she understood me.
Another bit of progress I've noticed, is that (at least sometimes!) I don't feel quite as guilty about having time to myself. I still have a lot of times where I do feel guilty, & also feel very responsible if I don't think I've been there for friends enough. I guess this ties into my self-loathing. I'm forever thinking that I'm this terrible person, who does everything for self gain, is self-obsessed, & is tricking everyone into believing that I'm nice. It's as if I'm scared that one day, everyone will see the "real" me. I even have very vivid nightmares about it. I get very paranoid about this too, & find that I jump to this conclusion if no one has replied to my messages. I ask for reassurance a lot, & also hate myself for needing it, as I think it makes me very clingy & I'll lose my friends if I carry on.
I still have so far to go with the cognitive side of CBT, it's just not possible to tackle it all in one round! And I've barely even touched the surface of the behavioural side, who knows how long that will take!
Back to the therapy session. My therapist gave me a blueprint to fill in with her, and also discussed a management plan with me. I liked how she gave me the time to go through how I think therapy had gone, what I'd learnt, what progress I think I'd made, what concerns I may have, and what to do if I find I relapse. It gave me a bit of structure, which was what I needed.
I also mentioned the trauma I went through, when I had the abortion. I still find I get triggered even by the mention of it, & I really need to get to a point where I can tolerate hearing/seeing mentions & conversations about it. I'd like to get to a point where I can talk about it more. Maybe other people could relate to how I felt? Anyway, the therapist told me that she was training in EMDR and that she could add this to my management plan, for when I'm ready to face it. I think it won't be for a while yet, but it's good to know that, at least for one thing, I can get help other than generic CBT.
Finally, she told me that she'd like me to have at least a 4 month break from therapy, and then (when I'm ready) to get referred to her again, so that we could start on the behavioural side of CBT. She also reassured me that if I felt I needed support sooner, I could get referred whenever I needed to. This was reassuring, because I always find endings very hard, especially if the person I've seen has been helpful and supportive. Although right now I'm ok with stopping therapy for a bit, that's mainly because I can't see how it could help much more at the moment. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm too well to need it. I wish I could have some ongoing support.I still have a psychiatrist appointment coming up (the last one had to be rearranged, due to a family emergency), but this will purely be to talk about medication.
I think I am (sort of) safe at the moment, but I know that I react to things quickly, and extremely. At some point soon, I could be getting a letter to reapply for ESA, & the thought of this is really terrifying to me; especially as we are now under a Conservative government (who would love nothing more than to take away the vital support than disabled people need). I worry that mentioning any sort of progress (no matter how insignificant in terms of actually functioning better) will score me 0 points in the work capability assessment.
I should be pleased about any progress I make, but instead I end up worried that this progress will be over-exaggerated & used against me to take away the support I need. If this happens, I know that I won't be safe. I am not well enough to work. If I was, I'd be looking by now! As blunt as this sounds (and I don't think my parents feel this way about me), I feel as if I will just be an extra cost to my parents if I lose my financial support. It helps me pay bills, & ensures that I can at least begin to reimburse my dad for the days he has to take off to care for my mum and I. Without that support, I worry that we won't be able to pay our bills. I dread to think what could happen.
I wish I could end this post on a more positive note, but this is the stark reality.
Friday, 26 June 2015
Past Experiences of Working Whilst Sick & Disabled
I became ill with Fibromyalgia in my 2nd year of university. My first blog post gives a bit of background as to when, how it started, experiences with doctors etc
As I got more ill, I struggled more with getting to lectures, but still wanted to take on work. I didn't know anything about chronic illnesses & was hoping that this would be a short term thing that could be fixed, so I could get on with my life. I think I thought I could push through it too.
After a lot of searching, I got a job at a jewellery store. I was undiagnosed at the time, but doctors were considering hyperthyroidism, as I had high TSH. My T4 was normal however, so this result wasn't seen as significant enough. I didn't declare my illness at first because I wasn't diagnosed. I thought that I wouldn't be taken seriously, as I would only be able to say "I've had X symptoms" rather than "I've been diagnosed with X". I had to call in sick a few times, and tried to explain what was going on but found that my illnesses were ignored. I was treated as if I was skiving off work. The truth was that every time I went into work, I was in considerable amounts of pain, I was extremely dizzy, nauseous & exhausted (even before I started my shift!). I tried my absolute hardest to push down all these symptoms though, because I worried about losing my job. I didn't know my rights when it came to work. I didn't know a thing about disability discrimination either.
I was on a 2 month probation with this job. Because I was ill so often, I was frequently threatened with the sack. The attitude I received from my boss (and some colleagues) was horrible. I didn't feel I could confide in anyone & it really felt as if they were trying to push me out. I quit in the end. It wasn't worth risking my health for; especially as I was struggling with my university course as well.
After graduating, I got a temporary agency job with a debt management company (never again would I work for a company like that). At the time, I had been diagnosed with M.E. I didn't declare my diagnosis until the first time I had to phone in sick. The way it worked with that company was, even if you'd only had the one day off, you had to meet with a person from the agency at a certain time to explain why you'd been off. I explained about my illness & recent diagnosis, but can't remember it being considered much. I didn't know anything about reasonable adjustments, & wasn't sure what sorts of adjustments would actually help my illnesses/disabilities. The place had decent chairs and lifts (so equipment wasn't a problem as such). It was the pain, fatigue, dizziness & nausea that affected my work. Having an overactive bladder (although not diagnosed at that time) also made meetings very difficult to concentrate in. In the end, I got the sack for not hitting targets (the productivity targets were ridiculous, & increased every week. After being in that particular department for one month, I was expected to be at the same level as someone who'd worked there for years!).
The next job was one I enjoyed the most. I worked through an agency, as an oncology research assistant. I realised that I was struggling, but I wanted this job so much that I forced myself to carry on anyway. I found some members of staff understanding, others not so much. My manager encouraged me to take days off when she noticed I was feeling more ill, but I felt that she didn't have faith in me as an employee & I knew that she wouldn't want to extend my temporary contract. I wish I could've done better, but my illness was getting worse & I just wasn't able to be at my best.
My last job was a short temporary one (direct with employer this time though!). I found I was treated as part of the team, but my illnesses were again mostly forgotten/ignored, until they noticed that my productivity had gone down. I did explain what was going on, and they listened a bit more then (even asking if I needed reasonable adjustments) but again, I didn't know what to ask for.
I wish there were more information/advice/guides about reasonable adjustments. It seems that people are expected to know what to ask for (when it comes to disability accommodations in the workplace) & they have to self advocate. Dealing with long term illnesses and disabilities (treatment, management, appointments etc) is difficult enough, & takes up enough energy, so can you imagine how exhausting/daunting having to self advocate is, on top of all that?!
More workplaces need to be understanding, & knowledgeable about disability & the kinds of reasonable adjustments that could be needed. It should be made easier to ask for adjustments. There needs to be clearer information available, & it needs to feel like a collaboration, not a confrontation.
As I got more ill, I struggled more with getting to lectures, but still wanted to take on work. I didn't know anything about chronic illnesses & was hoping that this would be a short term thing that could be fixed, so I could get on with my life. I think I thought I could push through it too.
After a lot of searching, I got a job at a jewellery store. I was undiagnosed at the time, but doctors were considering hyperthyroidism, as I had high TSH. My T4 was normal however, so this result wasn't seen as significant enough. I didn't declare my illness at first because I wasn't diagnosed. I thought that I wouldn't be taken seriously, as I would only be able to say "I've had X symptoms" rather than "I've been diagnosed with X". I had to call in sick a few times, and tried to explain what was going on but found that my illnesses were ignored. I was treated as if I was skiving off work. The truth was that every time I went into work, I was in considerable amounts of pain, I was extremely dizzy, nauseous & exhausted (even before I started my shift!). I tried my absolute hardest to push down all these symptoms though, because I worried about losing my job. I didn't know my rights when it came to work. I didn't know a thing about disability discrimination either.
I was on a 2 month probation with this job. Because I was ill so often, I was frequently threatened with the sack. The attitude I received from my boss (and some colleagues) was horrible. I didn't feel I could confide in anyone & it really felt as if they were trying to push me out. I quit in the end. It wasn't worth risking my health for; especially as I was struggling with my university course as well.
After graduating, I got a temporary agency job with a debt management company (never again would I work for a company like that). At the time, I had been diagnosed with M.E. I didn't declare my diagnosis until the first time I had to phone in sick. The way it worked with that company was, even if you'd only had the one day off, you had to meet with a person from the agency at a certain time to explain why you'd been off. I explained about my illness & recent diagnosis, but can't remember it being considered much. I didn't know anything about reasonable adjustments, & wasn't sure what sorts of adjustments would actually help my illnesses/disabilities. The place had decent chairs and lifts (so equipment wasn't a problem as such). It was the pain, fatigue, dizziness & nausea that affected my work. Having an overactive bladder (although not diagnosed at that time) also made meetings very difficult to concentrate in. In the end, I got the sack for not hitting targets (the productivity targets were ridiculous, & increased every week. After being in that particular department for one month, I was expected to be at the same level as someone who'd worked there for years!).
The next job was one I enjoyed the most. I worked through an agency, as an oncology research assistant. I realised that I was struggling, but I wanted this job so much that I forced myself to carry on anyway. I found some members of staff understanding, others not so much. My manager encouraged me to take days off when she noticed I was feeling more ill, but I felt that she didn't have faith in me as an employee & I knew that she wouldn't want to extend my temporary contract. I wish I could've done better, but my illness was getting worse & I just wasn't able to be at my best.
My last job was a short temporary one (direct with employer this time though!). I found I was treated as part of the team, but my illnesses were again mostly forgotten/ignored, until they noticed that my productivity had gone down. I did explain what was going on, and they listened a bit more then (even asking if I needed reasonable adjustments) but again, I didn't know what to ask for.
I wish there were more information/advice/guides about reasonable adjustments. It seems that people are expected to know what to ask for (when it comes to disability accommodations in the workplace) & they have to self advocate. Dealing with long term illnesses and disabilities (treatment, management, appointments etc) is difficult enough, & takes up enough energy, so can you imagine how exhausting/daunting having to self advocate is, on top of all that?!
More workplaces need to be understanding, & knowledgeable about disability & the kinds of reasonable adjustments that could be needed. It should be made easier to ask for adjustments. There needs to be clearer information available, & it needs to feel like a collaboration, not a confrontation.
Wednesday, 17 June 2015
Finally!
If you've been following my blog for a while, you've probably seen me mention my hypermobility & problems with my left knee either dislocating or subluxating. I've had this for a while and doctors have either brushed it off, or given me simple strengthening exercises to do that have proven pretty useless.
I'd learnt about Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hypermobility type) from friends with it, and they agreed I probably have it too. The more I read up on the symptoms, assessed (and reassessed, and re-re-assessed!) myself with the Beighton score, the more I thought I really could have it. I spoke to doctors about it, but they held misconceptions about the condition & believed that it always had to run in families & always had to be very severe. My hypermobility wasn't considered *enough* to warrant diagnosis, & the other symptoms were attributed to my Fibromyalgia (regardless of the fact that I told them I'd had this before the fibro symptoms started).
Last month (after some dislocations that were a lot harder to put back in) I decided to speak to the GP again about my knee, & tell her that it had been getting worse. She referred me to the Orthopaedic Clinical Assessment Service at a local hospital. I had my appointment yesterday (15th) & saw a Specialist Physiotherapist. As I knew I'd be examined too, I made sure that I mentioned problems with my other joints that I've had for years, and also things in the past that I thought could be connected (My jaw used to dislocate when I was a young teen. I was referred to a Maxillofacial doctor who sent me for an Xray, but my jaw was back in place at the time so nothing was found! I also have very flexible ankles that like to give way suddenly, and I used to sprain my ankles and wrists very easily).
After a few questions (medical history, family history, medication, previous investigations or physio etc) the physiotherapist asked to examine me. I was embarrassed about getting my (extremely pale, veiny, bruised, scarred, stretch marked) legs out, but of course he needed to see for himself what was going on. He got me to stand up and push my knees back as far as they can comfortably go. He also asked me to lie on the bed, bend and stretch out each leg so he could examine my joints, muscle strength etc (so many examinations, I couldn't explain them fully!) I'd mentioned my hips being very loose too, so he examined them.
As he moved my legs about to check for problems, my knees and hips let out so many very loud cracks! A particularly impressive one from my right hip had him jumping a mile! I couldn't help but laugh when I saw his face. He could actually feel my hips and knees popping out then going back in. Constantly clicking joints & extra bendiness is my "normal" though, I suppose. Until I heard about hypermobility, I just assumed everyone was like this!
The appointment went much better than I expected! I went in, just expecting to be told my knee was a bit weak or something, but I barely had to explain anything as, when I was examined, the Physio suddenly piped up "Has your GP ever diagnosed you with Hypermobility Syndrome?".
I explained about my problems with getting doctors to believe me, & how I'd tried the Beighton test a few times. He got me to do that test again, and nodded along as I showed him. The final part of that test is to see if your palms touch the floor when you stand up and try to touch your toes. Thankfully my back wasn't too bad that day, so I was able to attempt that. With legs together, I could get my fingertips on the floor but no further. He asked me to put my legs slightly apart and try again. That time, my palms did touch the floor (just). As my legs were apart though, I'm not sure if that counts. He didn't say what my score was, but I'm guessing it must've been high.
Finally, he asked me to walk for a few steps (without my stick), so he could see if there were any problems with my gait etc. Thankfully that was the last task, as I was dizzy, exhausted, overheated, in lots of pain, and basically needed to sit down!
He concluded that I did have Hypermobility Syndrome (he didn't say EDS hypermobility type specifically but I think this is considered the same thing?) my left kneecap dislocates, he noticed my hips were quite loose & that I tend to walk with my toes facing inwards; which is what could be causing my knee problems. He also said that surgery on my knee was an option, but he wouldn't recommend it as, because I was hypermobile, it could make things worse. He is referring me for a long programme of Physiotherapy & if needed afterwards, I could be re-referred to him & may need to have special insoles to help with my walking.
So I guess I'm an "official" Bendy now! It really felt so good to be believed & to actually have symptoms show, rather than everything being based on what I say! The physio is writing a letter to my GP with the diagnosis, his findings etc. I'm sure I'll be blogging about my experiences with this physiotherapy programme too.
I do want to speak to my GP again pretty soon, as I've had some horrible pain flare ups recently & today I was doubled over. I should've rang, but surgery was closed by the time I realised I needed to ask for pain relief. I'm not even sure what meds could be suggested! Management is important, but I really do need to have something to take as needed (at least!) for the severe pain. I can't see how I could effectively manage my symptoms when the pain restricts me so much & causes me to flare up so easily. Maybe this latest diagnosis will help her to see this?
I should add some sort of About Me page to this blog, but here are my diagnoses for now:
- Fibromyalgia
- Hypermobility Syndrome (EDS?)
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome
- Overactive Bladder Syndrome
- Clinical Depression
- Generalised Anxiety Disorder
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- Agoraphobia
- Social Anxiety
Phew! I think that's enough for me to cope with. I don't want anything else, thanks!
I'd learnt about Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hypermobility type) from friends with it, and they agreed I probably have it too. The more I read up on the symptoms, assessed (and reassessed, and re-re-assessed!) myself with the Beighton score, the more I thought I really could have it. I spoke to doctors about it, but they held misconceptions about the condition & believed that it always had to run in families & always had to be very severe. My hypermobility wasn't considered *enough* to warrant diagnosis, & the other symptoms were attributed to my Fibromyalgia (regardless of the fact that I told them I'd had this before the fibro symptoms started).
Last month (after some dislocations that were a lot harder to put back in) I decided to speak to the GP again about my knee, & tell her that it had been getting worse. She referred me to the Orthopaedic Clinical Assessment Service at a local hospital. I had my appointment yesterday (15th) & saw a Specialist Physiotherapist. As I knew I'd be examined too, I made sure that I mentioned problems with my other joints that I've had for years, and also things in the past that I thought could be connected (My jaw used to dislocate when I was a young teen. I was referred to a Maxillofacial doctor who sent me for an Xray, but my jaw was back in place at the time so nothing was found! I also have very flexible ankles that like to give way suddenly, and I used to sprain my ankles and wrists very easily).
After a few questions (medical history, family history, medication, previous investigations or physio etc) the physiotherapist asked to examine me. I was embarrassed about getting my (extremely pale, veiny, bruised, scarred, stretch marked) legs out, but of course he needed to see for himself what was going on. He got me to stand up and push my knees back as far as they can comfortably go. He also asked me to lie on the bed, bend and stretch out each leg so he could examine my joints, muscle strength etc (so many examinations, I couldn't explain them fully!) I'd mentioned my hips being very loose too, so he examined them.
As he moved my legs about to check for problems, my knees and hips let out so many very loud cracks! A particularly impressive one from my right hip had him jumping a mile! I couldn't help but laugh when I saw his face. He could actually feel my hips and knees popping out then going back in. Constantly clicking joints & extra bendiness is my "normal" though, I suppose. Until I heard about hypermobility, I just assumed everyone was like this!
The appointment went much better than I expected! I went in, just expecting to be told my knee was a bit weak or something, but I barely had to explain anything as, when I was examined, the Physio suddenly piped up "Has your GP ever diagnosed you with Hypermobility Syndrome?".
I explained about my problems with getting doctors to believe me, & how I'd tried the Beighton test a few times. He got me to do that test again, and nodded along as I showed him. The final part of that test is to see if your palms touch the floor when you stand up and try to touch your toes. Thankfully my back wasn't too bad that day, so I was able to attempt that. With legs together, I could get my fingertips on the floor but no further. He asked me to put my legs slightly apart and try again. That time, my palms did touch the floor (just). As my legs were apart though, I'm not sure if that counts. He didn't say what my score was, but I'm guessing it must've been high.
Finally, he asked me to walk for a few steps (without my stick), so he could see if there were any problems with my gait etc. Thankfully that was the last task, as I was dizzy, exhausted, overheated, in lots of pain, and basically needed to sit down!
He concluded that I did have Hypermobility Syndrome (he didn't say EDS hypermobility type specifically but I think this is considered the same thing?) my left kneecap dislocates, he noticed my hips were quite loose & that I tend to walk with my toes facing inwards; which is what could be causing my knee problems. He also said that surgery on my knee was an option, but he wouldn't recommend it as, because I was hypermobile, it could make things worse. He is referring me for a long programme of Physiotherapy & if needed afterwards, I could be re-referred to him & may need to have special insoles to help with my walking.
So I guess I'm an "official" Bendy now! It really felt so good to be believed & to actually have symptoms show, rather than everything being based on what I say! The physio is writing a letter to my GP with the diagnosis, his findings etc. I'm sure I'll be blogging about my experiences with this physiotherapy programme too.
I do want to speak to my GP again pretty soon, as I've had some horrible pain flare ups recently & today I was doubled over. I should've rang, but surgery was closed by the time I realised I needed to ask for pain relief. I'm not even sure what meds could be suggested! Management is important, but I really do need to have something to take as needed (at least!) for the severe pain. I can't see how I could effectively manage my symptoms when the pain restricts me so much & causes me to flare up so easily. Maybe this latest diagnosis will help her to see this?
I should add some sort of About Me page to this blog, but here are my diagnoses for now:
- Fibromyalgia
- Hypermobility Syndrome (EDS?)
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome
- Overactive Bladder Syndrome
- Clinical Depression
- Generalised Anxiety Disorder
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- Agoraphobia
- Social Anxiety
Phew! I think that's enough for me to cope with. I don't want anything else, thanks!
Friday, 22 May 2015
Progress, hopefully? (Updated)
Progress. I use that word tentatively. Don't get me wrong, of course I'm pleased if I have made any progress! I'm just still not sure if I have, or if I'm just telling the therapist what she wants to hear/complying with therapy tasks. My head's a mess I swear. I've spent so long trying to figure myself out. Why I think the way I do, why I behave the way I do, who I am even. Searching for answers and overthinking every single damn thing.
I'd been trying to do the therapy homework, and use the tools I'd been given/coping techniques etc (thought record, worry tree, relaxation/breathing exercises etc). I felt as if I was failing at everything & it was all my own fault for not trying enough, not being good enough. I never feel as if I'm *anything* enough (if that makes sense?). I really wasn't looking forward to this week's therapy session. I wasn't sure what to tell my therapist, or even discuss with her; apart from the fact that I'd been feeling really really down, I'd self harmed in order to cope, and I felt completely useless; as if I wasn't even worth bothering with.
I was supposed to have a psychiatrist appointment recently, but when I got to the reception desk, I was told that all his appointments had been cancelled & I should've had a letter. I thanked them and left quickly (even though I wanted to ask why they hadn't phoned, like the last time) because the waiting area was busy & I was very nervous. My neighbour had given me a lift, & I'd declined her offer to walk me in, because I wanted to challenge my social anxiety. The letter came later on that day, and now I have to wait until July!
Therapy went a little better than expected. I felt as if all I was doing was moaning to the therapist about things that pissed me off. We discussed things & analysed things together. One particular topic was how I use social media (twitter, mainly). I immerse myself in lots of different topics, I try to keep in touch and updated with friends, I try to be there for as many people as possible & rarely give myself a break (actually, I probably NEVER give myself a proper break). I've been trying to have space from Twitter because I know it can overwhelm me easily. I find it so so hard to stay away from it though. My therapist has been trying to get me to "catch" myself, when I notice something triggering my moods (starting to panic/feel suicidal/dissociating etc) & then either distract myself with something, or do a thought record so that I can monitor my moods & balance my thoughts. I've found it very hard to do, because I seem to have such extreme mood swings & my moods change & worsen so quickly, it's hard to keep up & catch them before they get too bad! I've really been trying though.
She noticed that I've developed checking behaviour when it comes to things like Twitter though. I'll try to "catch" myself when I find being on there getting overwhelming, so I'll leave a message then shut the window down. I'll manage maybe 5 minutes, before I either open the window up again, or go to the app on my phone. I check my notifications, my tweets, messages, people's replies to me over and over again. I have to make sure that what I've said has made sense, I've worded it properly (not in the grammatical sense, but that I've not said the "wrong" thing so that it could be misinterpreted?), I've remembered to reply to people, I've not misinterpreted what they've said (if I get a blunt reply, I instantly think that person hates me). Even if I manage to stop myself from checking for a little longer, it's still constantly on my mind.
So we discussed this, as well as intrusive thoughts, absolute fear of being wrong, the perfectionism, compulsions, other checking behaviours I've had in the past etc and she told me that this definitely sounds like OCD to her. So I think this is her diagnosing me? The more I've thought and read about it, the more I can relate to it though. I know the psychiatrist had previously said that he thinks I just have traits of OCD, but to be honest, I barely said a word in that appointment, & there was a lot I hadn't even realised myself! I feel relieved and validated to get this diagnosis though. Of course I'd much rather not have all these horrible thoughts, and worries, and compulsions, but at least I can put a name to them now! Treatment will be no different of course.
The therapist also said that, in terms of the cognitive side of CBT, she thinks that I've progressed. I've done my best to monitor how I think and feel, & I seem to analyse my own thoughts well, so there's that. If anything, it feels as if this whole round of CBT has been a journey of figuring out that I do in fact have OCD, even if I've not been able to do anything to lessen my symptoms! I have maybe one or two sessions left? She doesn't think an extension is needed this time round, so next session we will be going over a proper finish (I'm not sure what this entails) and also we will be sorting out a relapse plan for me. I've not had one before, and I've felt so lost with what to do, so this relapse plan sounds promising.
She also wants me to have a few months break from therapy (EEP!) to try out the therapy techniques on my own & see how I go. She doesn't think I'm ready to go onto the behavioural part of CBT yet, but I'm to get re-referred to see her when I feel I am ready. She did say that I can contact crisis team if I need to. I feel so disillusioned with crisis team though. I think they take one look at me, and think I'm fine. If anything, going there makes me feel even less safe, because it's the constant realisation that they Will Not Help Me.
I don't want to wait until July to review my dose of the Sertraline (I really don't think I can risk waiting) so I'm going to try to get an appointment with my GP tomorrow (Friday) to see if she will let me increase my dosage. I've also put in a repeat prescription request for Diazepam (prn). If this helps, then I can tell the psychiatrist in July, if not, then at least he knows I've tried & I'll have the opportunity at that appointment to either increase further/go on something else/add something else. We'll just have to wait and see. I just really really hope this next appointment goes well. I'm going to have to make sure that I can get my words out & be completely honest with him, no matter how ridiculous/embarrassed/messed up I might feel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
On a completely different note, my left knee has been popping out again & I've decided to approach the GP about this tomorrow. I'm hoping that she'll refer me, although I'm not sure to which specialist. It needs investigating anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE
I spoke to my GP earlier today, about the Sertraline dose and knee problem specifically. I'm now on 100mg Setraline (as opposed to 50mg) and I've been referred to a specialist Physiotherapist to see what's going on with my knee/what I can do to manage it/if I need to be referred on to an Orthopaedic doctor/surgeon. The GP believes that it's my patella that is dislocating & seems to be getting worse (it has got worse to be honest!) although to me it feels as if the actual joint itself is dislocating. We'll have to see what the physio says though!
I'd been trying to do the therapy homework, and use the tools I'd been given/coping techniques etc (thought record, worry tree, relaxation/breathing exercises etc). I felt as if I was failing at everything & it was all my own fault for not trying enough, not being good enough. I never feel as if I'm *anything* enough (if that makes sense?). I really wasn't looking forward to this week's therapy session. I wasn't sure what to tell my therapist, or even discuss with her; apart from the fact that I'd been feeling really really down, I'd self harmed in order to cope, and I felt completely useless; as if I wasn't even worth bothering with.
I was supposed to have a psychiatrist appointment recently, but when I got to the reception desk, I was told that all his appointments had been cancelled & I should've had a letter. I thanked them and left quickly (even though I wanted to ask why they hadn't phoned, like the last time) because the waiting area was busy & I was very nervous. My neighbour had given me a lift, & I'd declined her offer to walk me in, because I wanted to challenge my social anxiety. The letter came later on that day, and now I have to wait until July!
Therapy went a little better than expected. I felt as if all I was doing was moaning to the therapist about things that pissed me off. We discussed things & analysed things together. One particular topic was how I use social media (twitter, mainly). I immerse myself in lots of different topics, I try to keep in touch and updated with friends, I try to be there for as many people as possible & rarely give myself a break (actually, I probably NEVER give myself a proper break). I've been trying to have space from Twitter because I know it can overwhelm me easily. I find it so so hard to stay away from it though. My therapist has been trying to get me to "catch" myself, when I notice something triggering my moods (starting to panic/feel suicidal/dissociating etc) & then either distract myself with something, or do a thought record so that I can monitor my moods & balance my thoughts. I've found it very hard to do, because I seem to have such extreme mood swings & my moods change & worsen so quickly, it's hard to keep up & catch them before they get too bad! I've really been trying though.
She noticed that I've developed checking behaviour when it comes to things like Twitter though. I'll try to "catch" myself when I find being on there getting overwhelming, so I'll leave a message then shut the window down. I'll manage maybe 5 minutes, before I either open the window up again, or go to the app on my phone. I check my notifications, my tweets, messages, people's replies to me over and over again. I have to make sure that what I've said has made sense, I've worded it properly (not in the grammatical sense, but that I've not said the "wrong" thing so that it could be misinterpreted?), I've remembered to reply to people, I've not misinterpreted what they've said (if I get a blunt reply, I instantly think that person hates me). Even if I manage to stop myself from checking for a little longer, it's still constantly on my mind.
So we discussed this, as well as intrusive thoughts, absolute fear of being wrong, the perfectionism, compulsions, other checking behaviours I've had in the past etc and she told me that this definitely sounds like OCD to her. So I think this is her diagnosing me? The more I've thought and read about it, the more I can relate to it though. I know the psychiatrist had previously said that he thinks I just have traits of OCD, but to be honest, I barely said a word in that appointment, & there was a lot I hadn't even realised myself! I feel relieved and validated to get this diagnosis though. Of course I'd much rather not have all these horrible thoughts, and worries, and compulsions, but at least I can put a name to them now! Treatment will be no different of course.
The therapist also said that, in terms of the cognitive side of CBT, she thinks that I've progressed. I've done my best to monitor how I think and feel, & I seem to analyse my own thoughts well, so there's that. If anything, it feels as if this whole round of CBT has been a journey of figuring out that I do in fact have OCD, even if I've not been able to do anything to lessen my symptoms! I have maybe one or two sessions left? She doesn't think an extension is needed this time round, so next session we will be going over a proper finish (I'm not sure what this entails) and also we will be sorting out a relapse plan for me. I've not had one before, and I've felt so lost with what to do, so this relapse plan sounds promising.
She also wants me to have a few months break from therapy (EEP!) to try out the therapy techniques on my own & see how I go. She doesn't think I'm ready to go onto the behavioural part of CBT yet, but I'm to get re-referred to see her when I feel I am ready. She did say that I can contact crisis team if I need to. I feel so disillusioned with crisis team though. I think they take one look at me, and think I'm fine. If anything, going there makes me feel even less safe, because it's the constant realisation that they Will Not Help Me.
I don't want to wait until July to review my dose of the Sertraline (I really don't think I can risk waiting) so I'm going to try to get an appointment with my GP tomorrow (Friday) to see if she will let me increase my dosage. I've also put in a repeat prescription request for Diazepam (prn). If this helps, then I can tell the psychiatrist in July, if not, then at least he knows I've tried & I'll have the opportunity at that appointment to either increase further/go on something else/add something else. We'll just have to wait and see. I just really really hope this next appointment goes well. I'm going to have to make sure that I can get my words out & be completely honest with him, no matter how ridiculous/embarrassed/messed up I might feel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
On a completely different note, my left knee has been popping out again & I've decided to approach the GP about this tomorrow. I'm hoping that she'll refer me, although I'm not sure to which specialist. It needs investigating anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE
I spoke to my GP earlier today, about the Sertraline dose and knee problem specifically. I'm now on 100mg Setraline (as opposed to 50mg) and I've been referred to a specialist Physiotherapist to see what's going on with my knee/what I can do to manage it/if I need to be referred on to an Orthopaedic doctor/surgeon. The GP believes that it's my patella that is dislocating & seems to be getting worse (it has got worse to be honest!) although to me it feels as if the actual joint itself is dislocating. We'll have to see what the physio says though!
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