The Second Step

As you well know, I've recently begun opening up about my own mental health. I couldn't deny it anymore. I know all this has been triggered by my fibromyalgia getting worse and being chronically ill for so long. It has had an impact on every single part of my life. I've lost friends because of it, had to give up working, given up cheerleading during uni, can't continue my uni studies yet and socialising is very very rare. Everything I enjoy has become so difficult to keep a hold of. How could it not affect me emotionally/mentally? I hesitate to make plans with friends because I never know when I'm going to have a really ill day. I hate letting people down last minute. 

Anyway, the fact is, I can't ignore the mental and emotional symptoms. They are affecting me just as much as the physical symptoms, so need to be addressed sooner rather than later. 

So, I went to my GP (see my previous post for more info). It took every bit of courage I had left. I call this blog "The Second Step" because the first step, to addressing my mental health, was to approach my GP.

I was given a card with contact details for a self referral counselling service called "Healthy Minds". The card is called the "Ticket to: RECOVERY". Very positive hehe. Well I've had this card for at least a week now I think? Probably longer. What you're supposed to do is ring the number on the card and they assess your needs. Talking about my feelings face to face with my doctor (who I see fairly regularly) was difficult enough, but talking on the phone (which I hate doing anyway, get incredibly anxious) opening up to a complete stranger would be ten times worse. 

I finally rang the number today. I've not long been off the phone actually. It's just, I woke up feeling so down, so hopeless, completely rock bottom. I felt that if I didn't ring the number to access some help, I would completely break down and do something stupid. I've sure thought about it enough. 

I wrote down some notes in no order at all. This was to help prompt me. Then I rang the number. I was shaking and close to tears at this point. Had no idea what to expect. The first person to answer was like a general receptionist I think. She told me the phonecall would take about 10 mins and was I happy to continue? Then she took my contact details, address etc and put me through to a woman who was to book an appointment for me. I had my calendar ready. The appointment booking woman asked me a few equality questions (ethnicity, religion, sexuality, disability level). I took the opportunity to mention the fibromyalgia. She asked for my home number as well. The brain fog decided to surface then (thanks fibro!) so it took me a minute to remember it! She was very patient though and took my details no problem. 

She then told me that what would happen next was that I would have a phone triage appointment booked for me. It would take 30 minutes. So we booked it for 11.30am on 31st July (the day after my atos appointment, so I'm going to need it!*) 

So once that was sorted, that was pretty much it for the phonecall. I thought I'd have to talk about all my feelings over the phone right there and then, but no! That was it! I suppose it would help keep the phonebill down too. I rang on my mobile (the landline volume is ridiculously low and my hearing's not so good).

I thought I would write a blog post about this Healthy Minds service for anyone who has been referred to it and isn't sure what to expect :) I will write about the next step at the end of this month. I want this blog to describe my journey through mental illness as well as my mystery physical illness (well, it's still not 100% diagnosed).

Thanks for reading :)

*Ah yes. I don't think I mentioned the Atos appointment! Well they cancelled on me a while ago, re-booked for this month and, when I turned up for the assessment (in good time too!), I found out they'd cancelled that one too! Only they hadn't bothered telling me beforehand. The receptionist gave me a very halfhearted "sorry" and told me I'd get a letter for my rescheduled appointment. That cancellation/rescheduling letter came the day after my assessment. Very organised...

So yes, I experienced a massive flare up of my symptoms that day. I was bedbound for most of the day; not able to do much more than type quick messages back to friends and sleep. I think I've recovered (ish) from that now. Still in pain, still exhausted, still confused/forgetful, still feeling very very down and anxious, but able to get out of bed. 

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive of me. It means so much, I owe you everything.

The day I opened up about my Mental Health

Well I did it!

I finally spoke (honestly) about my declining mental health to my gp. I didn't think it'd be so difficult though. Ok, let's start at the beginning.

A few weeks ago I had my MRI and the radiographer (or assistant, I'm not sure) told me I would receive a letter within the next couple of weeks for an appointment with the doctor (the General Medical Practitioner) who sent me for the MRI (to discuss results etc). Fast forward a few weeks and I still hadn't received the letter. As my brain fog was so bad my mum rang the doctor's secretary for me to see what had happened about this appointment.

The reply annoyed me. First off, the MRI was clear (phew! In one way but annoying as invisible illness is still invisible) but, because of that, the doctor had decided to discharge me back to my GP with no follow ups or anything. Hmm, well the symptoms are still there, ruining my life, keeping me on ESA, making me feel TERRIFIED about my Atos appointment due to lack of evidence to show to prove that I am ill and it's not going away anytime soon.

You see, he'd originally said that he'd get the MRI booked and (at the same time) would refer me to a Rheumatologist. He lied.

Ok so, mum booked an appointment with my GP as I'd have to get a referral through her. I'm guessing it will take ages to get a rheumy appointment now as the referral isn't being done directly through the hospital. I just want to get well enough to work! I don't want to be unemployed for years and years because that will make it so difficult to even get a job.

Anyway, fast forward to the GP appointment (Wednesday). I'd compiled a list of what I wanted to talk about. Firstly, the referral. Secondly, the Pregabalin dosage (not doing a damn thing to alleviate nerve pain). Thirdly (one I was hesitant about), my extremely low moods/suicidal thoughts.

I felt quite nervous on the day of my appointment. Probably more for the third thing than anything else. She has been really good with listening and considering things I want to be done. Obviously I listen to her advice too! It's just nice to know that your GP is a path to further care, not a barrier.

I swear I spoke far too quickly during my appointment. I didn't think I made a lot of sense either. I'd written down what I wanted to say but the brain fog was back and I couldn't get my words out as fluently as I would've liked. Somehow she made sense of what I said though.

She said she'd get the referral done straight away. I was very relieved about that. The specialist for Fibromyalgia is supposed to be a Rheumatologist as far as I've been told so hopefully I'll be getting someone with a lot of knowledge about it (hopefully).

She also upped my Pregabalin dose. I was originally on 50mg a night (2x25mg tablets). I'm now starting on 75mg a night, going up to 75mg in the morning and 75mg at night (150mg in total so dose is tripled!). This sounds more like the dose I should be on, so hopefully I'll notice some kind of difference.

I did mention my Atos assessment coming up as well. I really am nervous about it and have left it too late to ring up and ask about having the assessment recorded. Stupid me. I think I'll just have to bite the bullet and try to deal with whatever is thrown at me now. I know I'm not well enough to work. God knows I've tried to think about what kind of things I could cope with in the workplace in my current condition, to no avail. I am not a scrounger. I need that ESA and I do intend to apply for work once I feel I could cope, and that it won't make me worse. I know there's not much my GP could say, just to mention that I am still under investigation although Fibromyalgia is the diagnosis I have been given. I'm guessing I should show my hospital letters too to show that I'm being taken seriously...

Ok, so by that time the GP was asking if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I nearly said 'no' but I took a deep breath and started to tell her about how I'd been feeling emotionally/mentally.

I said I'd been having some very very low moods but I wasn't sure if it was worth mentioning because some days I actually don't feel so bad. I try and keep myself busy; doing things I enjoy. It's just that, the thing is, once I've stopped doing the things I enjoy, my moods go very low again. I beat myself up mentally, feeling guilty and worthless and frustrated that I can't do the things I used to (socialising lots, working, earning money, travelling). I wondered whether the 'good'/ok/not so bad moods I had were because I was distracting myself. Not letting myself think even. It's just all getting very hard to cope with.

At this point I had managed to burst into tears. I was very apologetic about it too. I hate crying when I'm trying to explain important things. I always think of myself as an emotional person but I hate, hate, HATE showing that kind of emotion. I think of it as a weakness. I don't see it as a weakness if anyone else does it but only when I do it. I felt that I had opened this floodgate (literally!) once I had broken through and spoken about my mental health. I'd completely let the barrier down and was ready to face the consequences. It was a bit of a relief but also left me feeling vulnerable.

I explained that I hadn't been very honest about my mental health with previous GPs as I was worried that all my physical symptoms would be attributed to a mental health condition, the physical symptoms would stop being treated and I would be given a load of anti depressants/anti anxiety meds again. That would be a huge step back for me. I don't have a problem with people taking these meds if they truly do help. What would give me the right to have a problem with that anyway? It's just that I want to TALK. That is the best treatment for my mental health.

The GP was actually amazing. Before I even had to explain, she said she knew that it was the physical illness causing the mental illness and NOT the other way round. She understood that chronic physical pain often went hand in hand with conditions such as depression and anxiety. She actually ASKED me if I wanted to try some anti depressants or if I wanted to consider counselling. Through my tears, I nodded for counselling. She gave me a self referral number to put myself on the waiting list to see someone. I was very grateful and the appointment ended there.

It felt like a very successful and productive appointment. We must've gone over the 10 minute limit but she listened to me, she was understanding, helpful and patient. I don't think I've ever had that with a doctor before and I appreciated it so much. It feels like half the battle has been won, just to have a co-operative doctor.

So, the next step is to actually call this number. Something I'm hesitant to do (I know, I should call soon) for a few reasons:

• I'm still not very good with calling. Partly due to the brain fog, partly due to me getting nervous talking to someone I can't see. If I can email/write instead, I will take that option. At least with those forms of communication, I can explain myself properly and think about what I want to say. 

• I have this real sense of not 'deserving' to call up for counselling. I'm still confused about the ok/almost good moods. I don't think they're that rare, they happen at least twice a week (I think) so are my bad moods consistent enough to warrant intervention? The reason I spoke to the GP was due to the fact they are there, they happen a lot and they are very bad. I do still get the days where I think about wanting to not live anymore. It's terrible I know. There are people in much worse positions but, it doesn't matter how much I think about that, it doesn't take away the fact that sometimes I don't see a point to living anymore. 

• I worry that the counsellor will wonder what I'm even doing trying to get help with my mental health. Are these low moods just me moaning/complaining about things? Is it 'normal' to have these thoughts? I know I'm not coping with them very well. It almost angers me that I can't just throw away my feelings of guilt and selfishness and just get on with 'it'. I want to stop thinking in this way as I don't think it's healthy. 

I think my next post will probably be about the phonecall to the counselling service and/or the Atos assessment. I think I need to throw in something positive too, the posts have been a bit depressing recently. 

Blah etc

I was going to write a few tweets instead but I figured a blog post would probably be better/make more sense.

I'm all over the place today, it's almost funny if I wasn't such a bitch today lol. Today has been a bit of a rush though, and it is very difficult to rush when you have a chronic illness!

I needed to get my sick note today to send off so I can continue getting ESA. So far my doctor's only been doing 4 week ones. I'm not sure how long you can get one for and surely "until I'm on the correct treatment!" doesn't qualify as a valid timescale for being sick haha. I've been all forgetful, confused, low and I guess a bit anxious so mum rang the surgery for me bless her. We thought it'd be good to try for an 8 week sick note so I don't have to keep sending notes quite as often. Luckily the doctor was fine with that.

I've been ridiculously tired. Literal zombie mode. I woke up (about half 11 oops!) to mum yelling to me to say I had half an hour to get up and get to the doctors to pick up the sick note. The surgery is closed for lunch between 12 and 1 and dad has to work after that time so I have to make it before then. No idea how I managed to make it in time as I'm extremely achy today. My legs feel really weak too.

Once I'd got all my papers together and in the dwp envelope I walked to the post box. I think that's around 20 metres (if that) from my door but my legs felt so weak, and I felt so dizzy that I had to borrow mum's stick. I've had to use it 2 or 3 times recently because of the weakness. I only use it if I absolutely have to because it really makes the nerve pains in my shoulders flare up. I've tried adjusting the height to make it more comfortable but it doesn't do much. It's my Atos assessment 8th July so I'm guessing I should declare that I have to use a stick very occasionally? It feels like my fibro is getting worse :S

Anyway, I get home from posting my sick note and now I feel very confused, worn out and dizzy. I can't concentrate on a lot. My shoulder kills as well! I guess it's better to deal with the nerve pains than to fall over on the way to the post box though.

Good job I didn't try to tweet that, I would've spammed everyone's feeds! I better go rest, I hope this made sense, the grammar's all over the place!

Just a little rambling about my own strange mind

I'm not sure how much sense this will make, but I have this incredible urge to get my thoughts down so I'm not spending the day dwelling on them. Well, I'll spend less time dwelling on them at least!

I should probably put a trigger warning here as I will be talking about the deep thoughts I have and I don't want to upset anyone who may be having those kinds of thoughts and worse. These are just my words, and thoughts, and feelings that I need to get down because they seem to be churning inside me right now.

I've just been watching the first episode of "Don't Call Me Crazy" on BBC IPlayer. I've posted a little tweet about it but it surprised me that I found some parts of it a bit triggering.

I'm not even sure about my own mental health, and the only thing the doctors ever mentioned to me was a suspected anxiety disorder. I didn't even agree with them and this was when they were trying to diagnose the physical symptoms I was (well, still am!) experiencing. I've been sent away from appointments with many mental health questionnaires to fill in and post back but never had a follow up about them so I just assume that, in their eyes, I'm pretty mentally 'healthy'.

But how accurate can a mental health questionnaire be? Especially when you fill it in yourself. I know I've not been completely honest with my responses to questions. It's always the suicide questions that make me instantly put "No!" or "On no days" or whatever it is (my memory is getting worse I swear).

I know I thought I'd stopped having the thoughts but I still do. I still have the very low times and the suicidal thoughts. But they seem to be intermittent if that makes any sense? That's why I never ponder the diagnoses like depression, anxiety etc. With clinical depression, in particular, the symptoms tend to be described as continuous low mood or sadness, with it occurring for at least 2 weeks. I don't think I get that.

What I seem to have is the very very low moods, the suicidal thoughts, wanting to be by myself, not being able to tolerate the normal family conversations, not feeling comfortable in my own skin, hating myself, thinking I'm not good enough, feeling everything's my fault, not being able to cheer myself up (even with Peep Show! And I love that show, it's my favourite lol).

That'll happen for a few days. I'll be very tearful and then I think it's out of my system and I can be my cheerful self again. I'll not let myself look at upsetting things, will stay involved in happy things, do things I enjoy (like writing, playing music, singing). I'll want to keep busy, not in a manic way though! Just in a "I'm bored, let's do stuff!" kind of way. That'll carry on for a few days and then the horrible moods will happen again and I wonder if the 'happy times' were all just me finding a way to distract myself from my innermost thoughts. Is this normal?

So yeah, because I'm not even sure if my thoughts are 'healthy' I don't tend to be completely honest about them because I guess I don't want someone worrying about me. I'm not actually attempting suicide no matter how much I think about it. Read my blog post "Low" for more of an explanation. I also don't want to be given a whole load of anti depressants to take because of how they affected me last time. I don't want to have the mental health team putting me on their books if I'm not technically mentally ill, because those resources could be used for someone who does have an actual diagnosis/suspected diagnosis.

There's still a lot I want to talk about on this blog but it's really personal stuff from my past and I've not exactly kept this blog anonymous. I want to open up and say but I think I need to get to that stage where I don't mind who knows.

Anyway, I will go. For the record, today isn't exactly a 'bad' day mood-wise. I feel a bit numb but not in a really bad way :)

MRI Appointment

I think I may end up using the rest of my 'spoons' to write this post, but I thought I'd better write it whilst the appointment details were fresh in my mind.

I had my MRI appointment yesterday (9th June). I was actually quite nervous but mainly because I was worried about being bursting for the loo during the scan. I get incredibly anxious about being in situations where I can't just go to the loo when needed. I tend to have an overactive bladder anyway but just thinking about it makes me need it more frequently. It's one of the reasons I've stopped taking buses. The wait makes me anxious, by the time I'm on the bus I need it quite badly and spend the whole journey terrified I won't make it to a toilet on time. Very embarrassing so I would rather spend a bit more money on a taxi or get a lift if I can. Nowadays I tend to only go somewhere if my dad can take me anyway, especially due to my symptoms getting worse.

Well anyway, I got to my appointment early so had time to calm down a little. The hospital I'm referred to is lovely! Really clean, nice atmosphere, organised and friendly staff. It's so refreshing to see as my most local hospital is very overcrowded so quality of care (as an outpatient at least) leaves a lot to be desired.

I went up to the desk to sign in and the receptionist gave me a gown to change into. It was one of those very thin ones that you tie at the back. I wasn't allowed to wear a bra underneath so was very paranoid about being a bit exposed lol! Ah well, just got on with it.

When it was my turn, the radiographer asked me the general questions: Do you have a pacemaker in you, a stent, anything metal in your body, are you made of metal? (That last one was a joke :P) then I was called in a couple of minutes later. I needed the loo again by that time so was a bit nervous again (I hate my bladder).

For anyone who hasn't been in/seen an MRI, I'll explain what it looks like etc. It basically looks like a massive polo with a sort of bed in it. I don't know if it's just me but the 'bed' is actually quite comfy! You put your head in the head guard and they secure it round you. The radiographer also puts headphones on as the machine makes quite loud noises. I don't know if this is the case with every hospital but I was given the option to listen to some music. I guess it helps to calm you down/distract you whilst the scan takes place. Oh you also get a panic button to press if you do get too nervous. I guess this couldn't be fun for anyone with claustrophobia but you just have to lie back and relax as much as possible (but don't fall asleep lol).

There was a little mirror attached to my head guard so I could see where the radiographers were. This was quite reassuring too because it can seem a bit isolating. You can hear the noises but it shouldn't be overbearing. They're sort of similar to old printers and photocopiers.

I calculated, the amount of time I was in the scanner, by the number of songs I got through. This worked out as just over 15 minutes. It pretty much flies by!

When the radiographer came through to take my guard away and lower the bed, I stood up and got the most incredible head rush! Also had jelly legs. I must have been very relaxed lol. Ok so I just have to wait for a letter telling me when my next hospital appointment is so the results of the MRI can be discussed. I am interested to see if they did find anything, though it'll probably be clear as anything. Don't get me wrong, I don't want it to show up something scary, like a brain tumour, but it would be nice to not have to spend so much time fighting my corner when all the tests show up clear (well apart from Vitamin D). It would be nice to have something show up so I can say "See! This is what I've got, you can't take that diagnosis away from me. It's right here on the results. Now treat it!" It'd be something to make my invisible illness a little more visible.

I should be using my spoons to concentrate on bettering my health (as much as I can) rather than on proving I'm ill.

Low.

So this post is probably going to be a bit rambly and pretty depressing. I just need to get everything out of my head and into writing, even if it's not very good writing.

My partner and I broke up a couple of weeks ago. I knew something was up and I kept having these dreams. Never thought they'd actually come true though. I won't go into all the details. There's really no point and I don't want to be bitching about my ex on this blog because it'll just make me look like the bad guy. He said that he wanted to be by himself and he wouldn't be looking for anyone new for a while. Well clearly a couple of weeks constitutes 'a while' for him. I thought he would have had the decency to tell me he'd met someone else so I didn't have to find out from everyone else. It made me feel so small. Less than nothing. Like everything I'd ever believed about our relationship was a complete lie. I mean how can you tell if someone really does love you?

All I ask from a partner is respect, love, understanding, caring, trust, affection, honesty and communication. I don't ask to be taken amazing places, be wined and dined constantly, bought incredibly expensive presents. I just want someone to treat me the way I'd treat them. And to understand that yes I am ill, yes it's not going away any time soon, some days I can do more than others but I will love with all my heart and will push myself to the absolute limits in order to work at a relationship. I sometimes think back and wonder how this would've panned out if I'd never been ill. It makes me hate myself more but I tried so so hard to just work through it. It's what made me worse. Do I deserve to be punished for trying too hard?

Ugh anyway, enough of my bitching. Just needed to get it all down.

What I wanted to talk about is how I've been feeling emotionally/mentally. I'm definitely not myself at the moment. Today is a particularly bad day feelings-wise. Let's try and list these horrible feelings:

• Rock bottom- I feel like I've lost so much (health, relationship, ability to be a functioning tax-paying adult, independence, confidence, my cat- who was really helpful for my health and always cheered me up, now with ex partner), friends, ability to enjoy anything.

• Resentful - I resent this illness. It's like I'm being stalked by my worst enemy. I wake up- it's there, it nags at me whilst I struggle out of bed in order to achieve 'something' in my day, it follows me throughout the day, reminding me of all the things I can't do anymore and mocking me when I hobble into the kitchen because I've been sat down for too long and my legs have seized up, it follows me to bed and nags me again as I try to wind down so I can sleep, then all the horrible thoughts start.

• Guilty - I should be the healthy one in my family, not this poorly person in her twenties who can only do the bare minimum to help out her, also poorly, parents. I feel like such a burden. My stupid graduation photos are mocking me. Oh look at that, I got a 2:2. Well bloody done. What can I do now? Oh nothing because it's not a 2:1? Oh well. Waste of money that was. 

• Worthless - I don't feel deserving of friends, deserving of love, anything. I really do feel like less than nothing. I often think about ending it all. How would I do it? When? What would happen if I wasn't successful? There. I said it. It's constantly on my mind, especially now. But what kind of person would that make me? Selfish, uncaring, stupid cow. I've been really pushing away my parents recently but they're really trying. They may not be saying the right things to me at the moment but I know they care. How could I break their heart? How could I do something so drastic when there are people out there going through much worse than me who haven't decided to end it all? See, my own conscience is stopping me. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now. 

• Unloved - Well, you can read the break up paragraph to see why. Maybe my moods were too much? I don't know, his were just as bad and I coped with that. 

• Weird- I didn't know how else to phrase this one. I suppose it goes with the feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin. I want to be around people but the conversations are too much for me. Every single emotion is far too intense. I feel jealous of anyone expressing their happiness because I want to feel that way. I want a reason to be happy. I try to count my chickens but it's a very short list. I'm trying to have more alone time but I'm sick of thinking about things and crying like some pathetic creature. Where's my strength gone? How do I get it back when I don't feel like there's any hope left?

I remember the doctor I saw who (pretty much) diagnosed Fibromyalgia. He had to give me a mental health questionnaire to make sure it wasn't depression that was the problem. I think I might've lied a bit with my answers. I put a very distinct 'no' on the suicidal bit when I should've probably said I have those thoughts at least on some days. I did this because of my experience with GPs and their way of treating things like depression and anxiety. It's still so stigmatized. I didn't want to be sent away with a bunch of strong antidepressants. I remembered how they felt last time. I felt like a zombie, everything slowed down, I couldn't control how I responded to things and it scared me. Also, I didn't want my GP thinking that all of these symptoms are down to depression because the physical symptoms are then ignored (or 'treated' with antidepressants). So yeah, I lied about my mental health. I thought I'd just be able to cope with it but it seems to be so bad at the moment. I literally don't care what happens to me right now. Well I'd be sad but how much sadder can you get? Is it finite? It's just awful isn't it. 

Ugh I'm really sorry, this is such a self pitying post. There's so much going on in my head right now, I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating much. I will make myself something to eat, or will grab a bag of crisps. I will sit down and force myself to eat a bit, then I will look at this food and wonder what the point even is of eating it when I don't feel hungry. This is how I'm feeling all day. I downloaded a couple of relaxation apps in the early hours and they were such a waste of time. I'd listen to the guy with the soft relaxing voice telling me how my muscles should be feeling as I tense and relax them, how I'd feel heavier and drift off and I was just thinking "bullshit."

Ok, I'm really gonna go and try to distract myself with something now. 

Hospital Appointment, 'The' Phonecall and the overbearing feeling of Dread.

Well today's been a real rollercoaster and I don't even feel like I've been fully 'there' for most of it. I've been sleeping so badly due to stress and the fact I have one less person I can turn to (I won't blab that all over my blog though, it's not fair)

I'm just so tired. Tired of feeling tired even. Physical, mental, emotional exhaustion. Dare I say it, I could quite happily sleep forever.

Ok enough of the rants (at least until the end of the post haha). I'll let you know about my hospital appointment today.

My dad and I got there in fairly good time and it didn't take as long as I thought it would. The parking wasn't bad either, compared to my local hospital! I was pretty nervous due to how damn cynical I was about the appointment. I mean, a General Medical Practitioner? What on Earth could they do/know that the GP didn't?

Ok so I got there, very helpful receptionist told us which waiting area to go to and I'd barely sat down 2 mins when the nurses called me in. Height, weight and blood pressure done first. My blood pressure is always pretty much perfect no matter how I feel. 123/80. Next I had to go for an ECG (is that standard for when you have hospital referrals?) and wait for the doc after that.

I only had a 5 or 10 min wait for the doc. Very surprised, from my experience accompanying mum to hospital, I was expecting at least an hour wait for anything! I was going over in my head what I wanted to say etc then the doc called me in.

He was really good! My old doc had sent my handwritten list of symptoms to this doc (even though he told me he always throws those things away...) so I didn't really have to explain a lot, apart from the new symptom (flashy lights in front of eyes), the symptom which hadn't been listened to (the dislocating knees) and explaining the mind fog/confusion more. He did the basic neurology etc tests (follow the finger, touch your nose, push against his hand etc) and wrote some notes.

He said that I should've been referred to Rheumatology because general medicine wasn't appropriate for my condition (so I still have the Fibromyalgia diagnosis) and also that he found 3 of my symptoms worrying and believes there could be some abnormalities in my brain so wants to refer me for an MRI (eep! It's what I asked for in the first place though so yeah). I'm guessing those symptoms are the blurry vision/flashy lights, confusion and something else? I told him I get headaches, but only mild to moderate ones (I only get migraines very occasionally) which come on with my other pains. Could that be the other 'worrying' symptom? Meh, I dunno.

Well after that I had to go to get bloods taken, looks like I'm being tested for all sorts of autoimmune thingies. It actually didn't take that long considering how far down the queue I was! I was very glad because, by then, all I could think of was how much I wanted a coffee and a sandwich.

Ok so once I'd got home I had a few hours to recover (it didn't make much difference) then the phone rang.

It was ATOS calling, the dreaded phonecall for the assessment. I guess not all of my day could go well huh? lol. So I have my assessment on the morning of 5th June. I was on the verge of a panic attack after that call. It wasn't the woman on the phone, she was fine, it was the fact that I've not heard one good thing about those assessments. It seems you could be on your deathbed (literally) and still be found fit for work. I guess I have to take it how it comes but i'm still terrified I will have a complete breakdown during. If I was found fit for work and I actually did feel 'fit for work' then it wouldn't bother me, that's fair enough. But the thing is, I'm not well! I feel like a zombie most of the time (although I'm seriously good at not looking like it, the wonders of makeup), the pain is just there, constantly, grinding me down, causing me to cry at the slightest things and chipping away at my own mental health (one of the few things keeping me from ending it all just to make the physical, mental and emotional pain end). I want to be independent, I really do, but I need to get better (or 'better enough') first.

I keep feeling really on edge, unable to concentrate, shaky, nervous and irritable. It's not even until next month and I feel like this already. I wish I could just take it one step at a time but I'm the kind of person who will think 10 steps ahead, consider all the worst possibilities and, when I can't think of the solution straight away, I just can not calm down.

Argh. Just give me something positive soon please. I'm trying to be a good person, I believe I'm a good person so can something go right for me? I don't want to reach rock bottom before things improve.