Wednesday 15 May 2013

Hospital Appointment, 'The' Phonecall and the overbearing feeling of Dread.

Well today's been a real rollercoaster and I don't even feel like I've been fully 'there' for most of it. I've been sleeping so badly due to stress and the fact I have one less person I can turn to (I won't blab that all over my blog though, it's not fair)

I'm just so tired. Tired of feeling tired even. Physical, mental, emotional exhaustion. Dare I say it, I could quite happily sleep forever.

Ok enough of the rants (at least until the end of the post haha). I'll let you know about my hospital appointment today.

My dad and I got there in fairly good time and it didn't take as long as I thought it would. The parking wasn't bad either, compared to my local hospital! I was pretty nervous due to how damn cynical I was about the appointment. I mean, a General Medical Practitioner? What on Earth could they do/know that the GP didn't?

Ok so I got there, very helpful receptionist told us which waiting area to go to and I'd barely sat down 2 mins when the nurses called me in. Height, weight and blood pressure done first. My blood pressure is always pretty much perfect no matter how I feel. 123/80. Next I had to go for an ECG (is that standard for when you have hospital referrals?) and wait for the doc after that.

I only had a 5 or 10 min wait for the doc. Very surprised, from my experience accompanying mum to hospital, I was expecting at least an hour wait for anything! I was going over in my head what I wanted to say etc then the doc called me in.

He was really good! My old doc had sent my handwritten list of symptoms to this doc (even though he told me he always throws those things away...) so I didn't really have to explain a lot, apart from the new symptom (flashy lights in front of eyes), the symptom which hadn't been listened to (the dislocating knees) and explaining the mind fog/confusion more. He did the basic neurology etc tests (follow the finger, touch your nose, push against his hand etc) and wrote some notes.

He said that I should've been referred to Rheumatology because general medicine wasn't appropriate for my condition (so I still have the Fibromyalgia diagnosis) and also that he found 3 of my symptoms worrying and believes there could be some abnormalities in my brain so wants to refer me for an MRI (eep! It's what I asked for in the first place though so yeah). I'm guessing those symptoms are the blurry vision/flashy lights, confusion and something else? I told him I get headaches, but only mild to moderate ones (I only get migraines very occasionally) which come on with my other pains. Could that be the other 'worrying' symptom? Meh, I dunno.

Well after that I had to go to get bloods taken, looks like I'm being tested for all sorts of autoimmune thingies. It actually didn't take that long considering how far down the queue I was! I was very glad because, by then, all I could think of was how much I wanted a coffee and a sandwich.

Ok so once I'd got home I had a few hours to recover (it didn't make much difference) then the phone rang.

It was ATOS calling, the dreaded phonecall for the assessment. I guess not all of my day could go well huh? lol. So I have my assessment on the morning of 5th June. I was on the verge of a panic attack after that call. It wasn't the woman on the phone, she was fine, it was the fact that I've not heard one good thing about those assessments. It seems you could be on your deathbed (literally) and still be found fit for work. I guess I have to take it how it comes but i'm still terrified I will have a complete breakdown during. If I was found fit for work and I actually did feel 'fit for work' then it wouldn't bother me, that's fair enough. But the thing is, I'm not well! I feel like a zombie most of the time (although I'm seriously good at not looking like it, the wonders of makeup), the pain is just there, constantly, grinding me down, causing me to cry at the slightest things and chipping away at my own mental health (one of the few things keeping me from ending it all just to make the physical, mental and emotional pain end). I want to be independent, I really do, but I need to get better (or 'better enough') first.

I keep feeling really on edge, unable to concentrate, shaky, nervous and irritable. It's not even until next month and I feel like this already. I wish I could just take it one step at a time but I'm the kind of person who will think 10 steps ahead, consider all the worst possibilities and, when I can't think of the solution straight away, I just can not calm down.

Argh. Just give me something positive soon please. I'm trying to be a good person, I believe I'm a good person so can something go right for me? I don't want to reach rock bottom before things improve.

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