Monday, 27 May 2013

Low.

So this post is probably going to be a bit rambly and pretty depressing. I just need to get everything out of my head and into writing, even if it's not very good writing.

My partner and I broke up a couple of weeks ago. I knew something was up and I kept having these dreams. Never thought they'd actually come true though. I won't go into all the details. There's really no point and I don't want to be bitching about my ex on this blog because it'll just make me look like the bad guy. He said that he wanted to be by himself and he wouldn't be looking for anyone new for a while. Well clearly a couple of weeks constitutes 'a while' for him. I thought he would have had the decency to tell me he'd met someone else so I didn't have to find out from everyone else. It made me feel so small. Less than nothing. Like everything I'd ever believed about our relationship was a complete lie. I mean how can you tell if someone really does love you?

All I ask from a partner is respect, love, understanding, caring, trust, affection, honesty and communication. I don't ask to be taken amazing places, be wined and dined constantly, bought incredibly expensive presents. I just want someone to treat me the way I'd treat them. And to understand that yes I am ill, yes it's not going away any time soon, some days I can do more than others but I will love with all my heart and will push myself to the absolute limits in order to work at a relationship. I sometimes think back and wonder how this would've panned out if I'd never been ill. It makes me hate myself more but I tried so so hard to just work through it. It's what made me worse. Do I deserve to be punished for trying too hard?

Ugh anyway, enough of my bitching. Just needed to get it all down.

What I wanted to talk about is how I've been feeling emotionally/mentally. I'm definitely not myself at the moment. Today is a particularly bad day feelings-wise. Let's try and list these horrible feelings:

  • Rock bottom- I feel like I've lost so much (health, relationship, ability to be a functioning tax-paying adult, independence, confidence, my cat- who was really helpful for my health and always cheered me up, now with ex partner), friends, ability to enjoy anything.
  • Resentful - I resent this illness. It's like I'm being stalked by my worst enemy. I wake up- it's there, it nags at me whilst I struggle out of bed in order to achieve 'something' in my day, it follows me throughout the day, reminding me of all the things I can't do anymore and mocking me when I hobble into the kitchen because I've been sat down for too long and my legs have seized up, it follows me to bed and nags me again as I try to wind down so I can sleep, then all the horrible thoughts start.
  • Guilty - I should be the healthy one in my family, not this poorly person in her twenties who can only do the bare minimum to help out her, also poorly, parents. I feel like such a burden. My stupid graduation photos are mocking me. Oh look at that, I got a 2:2. Well bloody done. What can I do now? Oh nothing because it's not a 2:1? Oh well. Waste of money that was. 
  • Worthless - I don't feel deserving of friends, deserving of love, anything. I really do feel like less than nothing. I often think about ending it all. How would I do it? When? What would happen if I wasn't successful? There. I said it. It's constantly on my mind, especially now. But what kind of person would that make me? Selfish, uncaring, stupid cow. I've been really pushing away my parents recently but they're really trying. They may not be saying the right things to me at the moment but I know they care. How could I break their heart? How could I do something so drastic when there are people out there going through much worse than me who haven't decided to end it all? See, my own conscience is stopping me. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now. 
  • Unloved - Well, you can read the break up paragraph to see why. Maybe my moods were too much? I don't know, his were just as bad and I coped with that. 
  • Weird- I didn't know how else to phrase this one. I suppose it goes with the feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin. I want to be around people but the conversations are too much for me. Every single emotion is far too intense. I feel jealous of anyone expressing their happiness because I want to feel that way. I want a reason to be happy. I try to count my chickens but it's a very short list. I'm trying to have more alone time but I'm sick of thinking about things and crying like some pathetic creature. Where's my strength gone? How do I get it back when I don't feel like there's any hope left?
I remember the doctor I saw who (pretty much) diagnosed Fibromyalgia. He had to give me a mental health questionnaire to make sure it wasn't depression that was the problem. I think I might've lied a bit with my answers. I put a very distinct 'no' on the suicidal bit when I should've probably said I have those thoughts at least on some days. I did this because of my experience with GPs and their way of treating things like depression and anxiety. It's still so stigmatized. I didn't want to be sent away with a bunch of strong antidepressants. I remembered how they felt last time. I felt like a zombie, everything slowed down, I couldn't control how I responded to things and it scared me. Also, I didn't want my GP thinking that all of these symptoms are down to depression because the physical symptoms are then ignored (or 'treated' with antidepressants). So yeah, I lied about my mental health. I thought I'd just be able to cope with it but it seems to be so bad at the moment. I literally don't care what happens to me right now. Well I'd be sad but how much sadder can you get? Is it finite? It's just awful isn't it. 

Ugh I'm really sorry, this is such a self pitying post. There's so much going on in my head right now, I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating much. I will make myself something to eat, or will grab a bag of crisps. I will sit down and force myself to eat a bit, then I will look at this food and wonder what the point even is of eating it when I don't feel hungry. This is how I'm feeling all day. I downloaded a couple of relaxation apps in the early hours and they were such a waste of time. I'd listen to the guy with the soft relaxing voice telling me how my muscles should be feeling as I tense and relax them, how I'd feel heavier and drift off and I was just thinking "bullshit."

Ok, I'm really gonna go and try to distract myself with something now. 

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