Monday 10 August 2015

No Reason.

This is a bit of a venting post I'm afraid.

I've been having some rough days recently. Physical health-wise, but it's my mental health that I think I've struggled with most.

I hate how unpredictable my moods are sometimes. The times when I feel numb and empty aren't exactly wonderful, but they're a little easier to cope with than this. I'm not sure how clear I am when explaining it all. I'm trying to understand it myself!

When I first realised I should see the GP about my mental health, I thought that I *might* have Depression, but I wasn't sure if I had enough days where I was struggling enough to need treatment of any kind. (Truth was, I probably should've seen the GP about it years ago!). If you've been following my blog for a while, then you'll know that I was referred for CBT (low intensity for first round, high intensity for second and third) & was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, & (most recently) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (I'm not sure if I'm actually diagnosed with Agoraphobia &/or Social Anxiety Disorder as well, but my therapist has mentioned them on occasion?).

Even though I was going through therapy, I found my symptoms were getting worse, & were a lot more frequent (and I definitely place some blame on my experiences with a Work Capability Assessment, & being on the Work Programme).

Through time, I think I've noticed more things too; like the paranoia I get, & how terrified I get if I have even the slightest inkling that I may be losing friends. I am constantly needing reassurance! I actually have nightmares about losing friends. I've always been really insecure when it comes to friendship, but I think it is worse nowadays. I'd try to explain here how I think a lot of my insecurity stems from my school years, but I'm digressing enough & should probably save that for another post!

I'm not sure how long it's been like this, but I've noticed a shift from having all these feelings/moods/symptoms/whatever you want to call them pretty consistently every single day, to having days where I will feel lots of emotions (including all of this) either all at once, or changing from one mood to another very extremely, very suddenly, & very quickly. Other days, I will feel  either completely or mostly numb. I'll feel very empty too & "How are you?" will seem like the hardest question in the world. My last therapist wanted me to try and "catch" my moods before they got too extreme, so I could note them down in thought records. The aim was to try and establish some sort of balance. I am trying to do these thought records, but I'm finding it such a struggle, & I often leave it too late, so can't properly describe how I felt at the time.

Today has been a day where I have felt emotions very very intensely, & my moods have changed very quickly. There's been no particular reason for them either. I went from very chatty, to fidgety, to very anxious (then had a panic attack). I calmed down a while later, but had horrible feelings of dread & felt on the verge of a panic attack yet again. I then found I was a little bit hyper, I watched some TV shows & laughed far too much at the funny scenes, felt full of love at the romantic ones, & really upset at any sad scenes. Finally tonight I had an enormous drop in mood & feel more depressed now than I have felt in a long time. Nothing bad has happened though. I've not had any news, I've not had any arguments, I've not lost any friends (as far as I'm aware anyway!) I've not needed to be anywhere today. I've not had to do anything urgently today. Which just shows that there's not always a particular reason for someone to struggle with their mental health more than usual for a certain amount of time. Sometimes it just happens, & it sucks!

I'm trying to reach out to friends right now. Part of me wants all the support, cuddles, attention etc I can get, and part of me feels I can't cope with conversation. I feel torn by myself (if that makes any sense) & I think this is why I'm venting via this blog right now.