Sunday, 24 February 2013

Ponderings of a girl who thinks too much about everything.

Hello there!

Ok, so this post will probably turn out rather rambly, but the past few days I've had so much going through my mind, at speeds I cannot cope with, that it's been affecting my sleep (alongside the pains getting worse of course). I just need to get at least some of it down on paper.

Basically, I think FAR too much into things. I think about the ways people talk to me, over-analysing the things they say, how they say it, whether they speak to me in a different way to how they used to. Certain things they say stick in my mind indefinitely and when I'm sat on my own, with not much to do, I think and analyse and dwell on these things until they turn into worries.

I also worry too much. At university, when I got ill and couldn't do things like go to lectures, see people as much and attend project meetings, I worried about what people thought of me. Some made it blindingly clear that they a) didn't believe I was ill (because how can I possibly be not so ill other days?) and b) didn't care.

Others seemed to change their attitudes towards me and of course not having a diagnosis meant that I just had to explain how I'd been feeling. Again, I felt they didn't believe me. I would notice conveniently timed facebook status'. Now that does sound rather self absorbed but it did make me wonder. Why couldn't people just be straight with me?

Since uni finished I do still worry about what people think of me, especially now I'm a lot less able to meet people for financial as well as health related reasons. I worry I've alienated myself from people. When someone hasn't spoken to me in a while I worry that they don't see me as a friend anymore. When people talk to me in a different way (e.g. like an acquaintance rather than an old close friend) I worry we've drifted apart. When people don't reply to messages I get worried that I've either said the wrong thing or they just don't want to talk to me anymore. Gosh, I even get paranoid when someone deletes me off facebook, how pathetic is that! The internet seems to be a big outlet for me these days though so yes, I may post the odd depressing tweet or status, maybe it's worth just seeing if I'm ok? I'm not some attention seeker, I just need a friend sometimes. I can't be happy all the time and pretending to be happy to please other people is easier said than done!

In this world it appears that it's fine to have an emotion, as long as you bottle it up!

Oh! Before I forget, there was a point to this post other than (just) to have a good old moan:

My moods have been very low recently and due to certain thoughts I've had for quite a while, I worry about things such as depression. Good ole' tinternet has told me I need to see a gp asap because of them but you know how over the top symptom checkers can be. If those things were completely accurate, I would have died from something horrible and gross at least 10 times by now!

Anyway, if you've read some of my older posts, you will know that doctors have prescribed me things like anti depressions/anxiety tablets but I've always wondered if counselling, CBT specifically, would be worth looking into. It's something I hesitate to mention to my doctor (although I will eventually) as whenever depressive feelings are mentioned, the answer is always mind numbing, mood stabilizing, zombie making drugs. I don't want to push my emotions down, I want to deal with them through talking to a professional. I know there's always the issue of costs, especially with cuts in funding for NHS services, but I feel that mentally, I could really benefit from this. (NB: If you have been prescribed anti-depressants by your doctor then PLEASE don't listen to my feelings/experiences of them. They do work for some people.)

This is something I'll talk about in future posts if I do manage to get some sort of counselling but for now, I googled 'online counselling UK free' and found this website:

http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a111.htm

It's actually an online counselling program based loosely upon Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Obviously not intended to replace face to face sessions but I think it may be worth a go. So, tomorrow I'm going to start this and let you all know what I think of it (sort of like a review!)


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