Friday 1 February 2013

I can't even hide it now

Today is not a good day.

I've never felt so upset and stressed and anxious in my life. I seem to have just let it all out today.

I ache, my head is searing with pain, I'm sleep deprived, I'm in a daze, and I cannot stop crying. I must look a complete nervous wreck at the moment.

My situation:

I live with my partner, who works full time with a basic salary. He pays half the rent and when I'm in work I pay the other half. When I'm not in work, a family member of his helps us out with rent. The problem is, ever since uni finished I've been in and out of temp work. I've now been out of work over 4 months and my stupid illness has been getting worse. I suppose it could be lack of routine mixed with stress which is making it worse but I simply cannot pull myself out of this. I can't claim anything financially because, according to our lovely government, one basic salary is enough to live on. It's apparently enough to pay rent, feed two mouths and pay all the bills that come afterwards. It's really not.

I may have to move in with my parents again if my health doesn't vastly improve and I find a job fast! So, it's pretty much inevitable and, as much as I love my parents, I want to get on with my life and have some stability. Moving homes and doctors all the time is not stability.

I really really want to work again because the money is running out and being ill certainly doesn't pay the bills, but how can I when I'm stuck in the house and can only leave it when someone is driving me somewhere and is with me all the time? I think, when I've been in work, I've done a great job of hiding just how ill I've felt but it's like I can't even hide it anymore. I absolutely need to have a diagnosis now at the very least. The only solid one is Vitamin D Deficiency which I'm on medication for life now (I don't even notice the difference from when I wasn't treated for it!). Other than that, I've had suggestions of M.E/CFS but never a doctor to say 'yes, this is what you have, let's try you on these therapies/get you referred'.

I wish someone could sort of take over and tell me what to do next because I feel very very lost. I miss the confident person I used to be and I wish I knew why she's changed.

I'm sorry this has turned out such a self pitying post, I just needed to get it all down. I might take it down after a few days.

*Just a quick edit.

I had a telephone consultation today with my doctor to talk through bladder diary and how gluten free diet is going. My foggy mind thought he wanted me to go over it on the phone but he wanted me to drop the diary in. Ah well, he knows what it's like now. So I have mild overactive bladder and need to cut down on caffeine to see if that will help. Also I'll be seeing him again in a couple of weeks to discuss the gluten free diet. I personally don't think it's working so I'm curious to see what he'll do next. I must've had a hell of a lot of blood tests during the last 3 years because he won't even consider another blood test hehe.

I'm really fed up of crying today! I was even on tears on the phone to the doc, but luckily I don't think he noticed. My signal was awful as well. Damn you Orange! It's not like I even live in an area that would be bad for signal, I live near a town centre for gawd's sake. But yes, everytime I spoke to him my voice was echoed back at me. I hate hearing my voice back, I sound like a 12 year old. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I'm not a particularly big fan of talking on the phone. I did Avon a year or so back and even the woman on the phone to me then asked if I was old enough!

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