Friday, 15 February 2013

Moving

It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted, oh dear! I have been meaning to write a lot more often than this but honestly, not a hell of a lot has happened and I want to try and avoid publishing 'woe is me' posts all the time. The fact is, there are people in a much worse position than me who post much more positively.

I'm doing a couple of posts today; this one being an update and the next one to do with ways I've used the internet in order to help pay my bills. It's not extremely relevant to this blog, as a whole, but I figured it would be useful to put for anyone who's interested. Ok, onto this post!

Next month I'm going to have to move back in with my parents. It'll be nice to help my mum out a bit more (as much as I can anyway) around the house. My partner's dad can't keep paying half the rent for me, it's not fair on him. If I could stay here with my partner I would but finances are far too stretched and, with feeling like a burden constantly, it is seriously affecting my mental health. Now that's something I would like to discuss with my doctor but last time I even mentioned anything like that, I was instantly prescribed anti anxiety tablets which made everything worse. I don't want my emotions numbing, I want to learn how to deal with them properly so I can start 'coping' again. If my physical health does get better then, in turn, so should my mental health. If that's not the case though, I would happily consider a few sessions of counselling. I feel I'm putting too much on my partner, friends and family. They are  doing their best to understand but I don't want to bring them down with me. They don't deserve that.

Ok, back to the point. Moving back in with my parents means that I may, MAY be able to claim some sort of money. My illness is making me far too weak, dizzy and in pain to work so I am thinking about applying for ESA. I'm not sure how far I'll get with it and I certainly need to get a diagnosis from the doctor first, but I don't exactly tick the boxes for JSA. I'm not technically 'available for work' whilst feeling this awful. Another worry is that I will have to change doctors yet again. And because moving back to parents means moving cities, it takes 4 weeks to transfer notes so I will have to explain everything over again. I cannot tell you how sick I am of repeating myself. I'm going to have to write it all down otherwise I will forget what I want to say.

I have to get the train to my parents later today. I haven't travelled on my own for a while so I'm actually quite nervous about it. I'm making sure I take the quick train and, if the carriages are very busy, I'll probably stand near the door. I don't know if it's just me, but when I feel really ill, crowds just make me feel even worse. I feel like people can 'see' my illness and that makes me feel very self conscious.

Ok I think I'll leave it there for now and I'll edit if I find anything to add on here. Also, I really need to start playing around with the design and layout of this blog. It's extremely wordy and boring at the moment which I do apologise for! Usually I'm pretty quick at picking up computer-y stuff.


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