(mention of cancer, suicide method, and death)
At the start of this session, I wasn't sure what to talk about. Not much had happened, mental health-wise, in the last week.
I was still thinking about my old school-friend, who died recently. Although I knew we'd drifted apart, I still blamed myself for not making enough effort. I miss her to be honest. She was a good person.
I'd also had a GP appointment recently, where I was told to taper off my pain medication (Tramadol, slow release) as well as stop my anti-sickness medication. I have struggled with my pain, since lessening my dose of Tramadol, and I'm trying to live with it, but it is affecting my functioning. I want to function better but I can't keep pushing myself to my absolute limits.
As well as this, I'd had some pains around my stomach, hips, and back. The pains were like cramps and were getting to the point where I was doubled over and sweating. The GP seemed concerned about this, and suggested I might have an ovarian cyst. This played on my mind, and I got a bit of a shock when I was handed the blood form and found they were testing for cancer (I reckon ovarian cancer, but I'm not sure if they test for antibodies or something like that.) They say it's around 1 in 2 people who get cancer now, and my parents haven't had it so far, so maybe I won't be so lucky? I'm trying not to think this way, but I can't help worrying this may be a possibility. Even if it's not cancer, any kind of problems with my ovaries makes me scared that my fertility would be affected.
I'm nearly 30 and running out of time where my fertility is at its optimum levels. I feel as if I am running out of time to meet someone, get married, and have children. Life seems to pass by so quickly, and with the death of my friend, it seems to be getting shorter and shorter.
The counsellor seemed very sad that I was thinking this way. She asked me why I thought I wouldn't meet someone.
I said that I just don't see myself having that life, and I'm scared that nothing will change unless I change parts of myself. But how? Where do I start?
I became upset as I told her that I never felt as if I was "enough". With romantic relationships specifically, I always felt as if I was second best, last choice, or just completely unimportant, so I felt like that about myself. I wanted to feel loved, attractive, and respected. She asked me why I felt this was so important?
I said that I wanted to make some sort of difference in the world. I wanted to feel as if my life was worth something, that I was worth something. I don't want to leave this world without doing some good. She also asked me if there were people I looked up to, who had made these kinds of differences in the world. I told her that I had some friends who were very vocal about mental health, and did their best to write in order to tell the truth about mental health services these days, as well as raising awareness and breaking down stigma. They wrote for online magazines and newspapers. They had thousands of followers. I'm not too bothered about having lots of followers, but I do want my opinion to be heard, respected, and understood. I want my words to mean something to someone. I want to do something good, however I can. I wish I had the confidence to do this. I feel I'm wasting my life otherwise.
I admitted that I had done some good. I've been over the phone/text/twitter to someone who was taking an overdose. I have talked someone out of killing themself. According to some friends, my blogging has helped them, and I've helped them by being there for them when they needed it most. I just felt like I could do more, make more of a difference. Even here, I feel like I'm not doing enough, and that I myself am not enough.
After this, my counsellor suggested doing an exercise. She did suggest talking about the future, but I refused, as I was feeling so scared and down about it, that I couldn't bring myself to focus on it right now. Instead, we did more identity work.
She gave me a sheet of paper, and asked me to put myself in the middle. I drew a stick man, and wrote "me" above it. My art skills aren't great...
She then asked me to write the traits I thought I had, around the figure of myself. I struggled a bit, but managed to put things such as "stubborn, determined, wanting to control things, perfectionist, kind, friendly, a good friend, ambitious, impressionable".
We spoke about the traits I had, and I told her that control was a big part of my personality. I'm diagnosed with OCD, although I believe my symptoms are quite mild now, but I am still a real perfectionist who hates to be out of control. We also talked about my stubbornness. My counsellor asked why I thought I was stubborn. I struggled to explain, and couldn't give any specific examples, but I did tell her that when I set my mind to something, I would usually do it. I would listen to advice from others, but it was ultimately me who would make the decision.
Possibly contradictory to the stubbornness, I also felt that I was quite impressionable. If I looked up to someone, I would try to take on parts of their personality. I would also follow their advice. In the past, I would do whatever someone wanted me to do, without question. Maybe I was worried about the consequences, if I did question them? I have a feeling this is how the bullying started anyway.
Lastly, the counsellor asked me to write down people who gave or influenced these personality traits in me. I won't say specific names, but these included friends, parents, and grandparents. I could link certain things to certain people. I also found myself digressing when I talked about some of them. One was a friend of mine who hasn't spoken to me in a long time. He was someone I had a lot of history with, and still thought about recently. I believed I got my determination and ambition from him, at least in some way. I resented how he hadn't been there for me for ages, when I really needed him. I wish we hadn't complicated our friendship, but at the same time, I still have thoughts about being with him again. I wish I could switch off those feelings, but I had a dream about him recently that brought it all back. I hate how influential my dreams are.
My counsellor and I discussed how it is interesting that people can pass certain traits onto people, without intending to. It certainly made me wonder just how impressionable I am.
There was only a few minutes left of the session by that time. My counsellor summed it all up, and said that she felt I was very lonely, unsure of myself, not really feeling like myself anymore. I want to go back to how things were with some friends, and my own traits (confidence, feeling attractive etc). I doubt myself and dread the future. She asked me what I'd like to do between sessions, in order to make some sort of change in myself. I asked what I could do, but she wanted me to come up with my own suggestions, as this wasn't rigidly structured (like CBT). Eventually, she said journalling would be useful for me. I could put what's important to me, the traits I have/inherit, how I'm feeling etc.
This session brought up a lot of difficult things that I have to face. I cried as I explained how lonely I'd been feeling. It's played on my mind ever since, so found it hard to put everything down on paper.
I will probably post about how the journalling is going, so might have posts every few days. It depends on how I feel. If I don't, then the next post will be about my next ENT appointment, where I undergo Vestibular tests for dizziness and balance problems. After that, I will post about my next counselling session.
Showing posts with label Fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Friday, 24 May 2019
Wednesday, 1 August 2018
Am I Ready?
(TW: Mentions of Self Harm and Overdosing)
Recently I've been thinking about where I'm going in life. There's a lot I want to do, but my health either won't allow it, or causes me to struggle to do it. If this is the first post you've read by me then here are my diagnoses:
Fibromyalgia
Joint Hypermobility Syndrome
Overactive Bladder Syndrome
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Borderline Personality Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (although I'd say this is very mild these days)
Depression
Generalised Anxiety Disorder
Agoraphobia
Some of these illnesses aren't as bad nowadays, but others can be unpredictable. After trying different medication, I've come to accept that this is probably the best my health will be for the foreseeable future. So, what do I do with my life?
I've always been an ambitious person, and I do put a lot of pressure on myself to achieve things. This means I tend to do too much at once, or throw myself into things without considering pacing myself. I want more out of life than I'm getting right now though.
I've considered studying again, but doing it with the Open University so I don't need to travel. I looked into a Masters in Psychology. I meet the entry requirements, and I could get the finance I need, but the only thing I can't do is afford the £2000ish required upfront before the loans are paid in. I want to save up for this somehow, but I don't see how I can save much at all while on benefits (they do not stretch far!)
I've considered working again. It should mean more income, and I could hopefully keep my PIP (if the assessment goes well, as I'd have to report a change in circumstances). Could I manage working though? Even the most basic-sounding office job requires sitting up for hours on end (I often have to lie down), remembering a lot of information, possibly walking to different departments, answering/making telephone calls (I'm not as bad now, but still have phone anxiety), bending and reaching shelves (which I can do, but it's very painful) etc. Even part time, I'd be doing this about 5 days a week. Is it worth compromising my health? How many times would I have bad days, and need to call in sick? What about the days when my anxiety disorders give me panic attacks, my depression causes me to need naps throughout the day, or my BPD causes me to feel such self hatred that all I want to do is harm myself? It's a constant battle, and with the (lack of) support I have available for both physical and mental illnesses, I don't see much changing. The more realistic option would be a home based job, but there's not a lot around that offer regular work that would pay enough for me to live on.
I want to move out before I turn 30 (I'm 28 right now), but I don't know how I will manage on my own. Last time I planned moving out, the stress put me into crisis, I overdosed twice, and even now I still have urges. There's also finances to consider, how I would physically cope with running a house by myself, and how my benefits would be affected because of me having to cope by myself. I can't live with my parents forever though.
I went to a family wedding very recently, and one of the usual questions came up from a certain family member; "so, what are you doing these days?". I mentioned that I blog and I vlog sometimes, but of course what they wanted to know was if I was working yet. The disappointment in their eyes when I said "no" was quite hurtful. I quickly followed this up by explaining I'd been thinking about studying or working. They didn't seem satisfied though. Apparently Psychology isn't the right path to go down for work or study. I should be doing Computer Science instead.
As well as working *and* studying, they expected me to take up driving lessons again (I did learn 10 years ago, but failed my test and couldn't afford it/lost my confidence afterwards). They also wanted me to travel to see them more.
It was very hard to explain why I couldn't do some, let alone all of these things. I also felt I wasn't being listened to, I was just being told what I *should* be doing. The thing is, this family member knows at least some of the illnesses I have, yet they don't seem to realise that chronic means lifelong, and that these illnesses affect my daily life significantly.
This has been playing on my mind a lot recently, and I feel like I'm achieving nothing in my life right now. I spoke to a few friends about how I'd been feeling and got some great advice for testing how I'd manage with the workload of a job, as well as some advice about driving. To my surprise, a lot of people my age and older don't/can't drive. The only reason I might take up driving again is if I have children in the future. Apparently, I may have to check with DVLA as to whether (with my conditions) I'm actually allowed to. Honestly, I don't want to drive. It makes me panic, I don't feel safe or in control, and I don't think it's worth feeling this way. I always felt like I had to learn though, for my family if not myself. To be told by a friend that I don't ever have to drive if I don't want to, was really helpful though.
Right now, I can't say I've decided on anything. I'm looking at job vacancies, but I'm also considering whether I'm ready or not. Studying will have to wait, unless I do some free short courses. Driving is something I don't want to think about right now, and I guess moving out will just have to wait until I'm financially more secure (whenever that will be).
In the meantime, I have to look at the little achievements, one of which will be finishing this blog post!
Do you have a Chronic illness (physical and/or mental) and struggle to work/can't work? What parts of your job do you struggle most with? What are your thoughts?
Recently I've been thinking about where I'm going in life. There's a lot I want to do, but my health either won't allow it, or causes me to struggle to do it. If this is the first post you've read by me then here are my diagnoses:
Fibromyalgia
Joint Hypermobility Syndrome
Overactive Bladder Syndrome
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Borderline Personality Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (although I'd say this is very mild these days)
Depression
Generalised Anxiety Disorder
Agoraphobia
Some of these illnesses aren't as bad nowadays, but others can be unpredictable. After trying different medication, I've come to accept that this is probably the best my health will be for the foreseeable future. So, what do I do with my life?
I've always been an ambitious person, and I do put a lot of pressure on myself to achieve things. This means I tend to do too much at once, or throw myself into things without considering pacing myself. I want more out of life than I'm getting right now though.
I've considered studying again, but doing it with the Open University so I don't need to travel. I looked into a Masters in Psychology. I meet the entry requirements, and I could get the finance I need, but the only thing I can't do is afford the £2000ish required upfront before the loans are paid in. I want to save up for this somehow, but I don't see how I can save much at all while on benefits (they do not stretch far!)
I've considered working again. It should mean more income, and I could hopefully keep my PIP (if the assessment goes well, as I'd have to report a change in circumstances). Could I manage working though? Even the most basic-sounding office job requires sitting up for hours on end (I often have to lie down), remembering a lot of information, possibly walking to different departments, answering/making telephone calls (I'm not as bad now, but still have phone anxiety), bending and reaching shelves (which I can do, but it's very painful) etc. Even part time, I'd be doing this about 5 days a week. Is it worth compromising my health? How many times would I have bad days, and need to call in sick? What about the days when my anxiety disorders give me panic attacks, my depression causes me to need naps throughout the day, or my BPD causes me to feel such self hatred that all I want to do is harm myself? It's a constant battle, and with the (lack of) support I have available for both physical and mental illnesses, I don't see much changing. The more realistic option would be a home based job, but there's not a lot around that offer regular work that would pay enough for me to live on.
I want to move out before I turn 30 (I'm 28 right now), but I don't know how I will manage on my own. Last time I planned moving out, the stress put me into crisis, I overdosed twice, and even now I still have urges. There's also finances to consider, how I would physically cope with running a house by myself, and how my benefits would be affected because of me having to cope by myself. I can't live with my parents forever though.
I went to a family wedding very recently, and one of the usual questions came up from a certain family member; "so, what are you doing these days?". I mentioned that I blog and I vlog sometimes, but of course what they wanted to know was if I was working yet. The disappointment in their eyes when I said "no" was quite hurtful. I quickly followed this up by explaining I'd been thinking about studying or working. They didn't seem satisfied though. Apparently Psychology isn't the right path to go down for work or study. I should be doing Computer Science instead.
As well as working *and* studying, they expected me to take up driving lessons again (I did learn 10 years ago, but failed my test and couldn't afford it/lost my confidence afterwards). They also wanted me to travel to see them more.
It was very hard to explain why I couldn't do some, let alone all of these things. I also felt I wasn't being listened to, I was just being told what I *should* be doing. The thing is, this family member knows at least some of the illnesses I have, yet they don't seem to realise that chronic means lifelong, and that these illnesses affect my daily life significantly.
This has been playing on my mind a lot recently, and I feel like I'm achieving nothing in my life right now. I spoke to a few friends about how I'd been feeling and got some great advice for testing how I'd manage with the workload of a job, as well as some advice about driving. To my surprise, a lot of people my age and older don't/can't drive. The only reason I might take up driving again is if I have children in the future. Apparently, I may have to check with DVLA as to whether (with my conditions) I'm actually allowed to. Honestly, I don't want to drive. It makes me panic, I don't feel safe or in control, and I don't think it's worth feeling this way. I always felt like I had to learn though, for my family if not myself. To be told by a friend that I don't ever have to drive if I don't want to, was really helpful though.
Right now, I can't say I've decided on anything. I'm looking at job vacancies, but I'm also considering whether I'm ready or not. Studying will have to wait, unless I do some free short courses. Driving is something I don't want to think about right now, and I guess moving out will just have to wait until I'm financially more secure (whenever that will be).
In the meantime, I have to look at the little achievements, one of which will be finishing this blog post!
Do you have a Chronic illness (physical and/or mental) and struggle to work/can't work? What parts of your job do you struggle most with? What are your thoughts?
Sunday, 31 December 2017
Self Care New Year's Resolutions
The end of a year can be very difficult for many people; bringing up mixed emotions and placing expectations on us to think over the past year and make resolutions for the new year.
I find resolutions difficult to make/stick to, and the guilt and failure I feel when I don't stick to those resolutions can be very damaging for my mental health. Mental health problems, such as Depression include symptoms such as guilt and feeling like a failure, so another dose of that is definitely not welcome! I have general aims I'd like to meet, but no strict resolutions. I decided to put them here, in case they may be helpful for you. Of course, you can tailor them to your abilities/what you feel able to cope with!
1. Be kinder to myself. Specifically, I want to try not to say such horrible things about myself and focus on the more positive things I can find. I can't be all bad, right?!
2. Do my best to set boundaries. If I am not comfortable with something, it's ok to say no! If I am finding a friendship is becoming toxic, it is ok to step away and even end that friendship if I feel able to.
3. Stay connected to loved ones. I am terrible at starting conversations. I know I expect people to talk to me first, and I feel very alone if no one does even for just a day. I want to take that step and say hello to someone first.
4. Let friends/family know if things aren't going well. I don't need to bottle up my physical or mental health problems. If I'm in pain, it's ok to say! If I'm feeling down, it's also ok to say! That bit of support I hopefully get in return can really help my mood.
5. Take time for myself. Although I shouldn't isolate, it's ok to take some time out for myself. Being round people can be exhausting and overwhelming, so it is a good idea to have that time and space for myself.
6. Do a nice thing for myself every day. This could be watching a movie I like, playing a game, treating myself to a favourite snack, or putting on makeup and taking a few selfies! Whatever I consider a positive, mood lifting thing counts.
7. Stay hydrated! I know I don't drink enough water, so I often try to aim to remedy that. Apart from other drinks, I manage half to a whole 500ml bottle a day. I want to double that.
8. Try not to put too much pressure on myself. There's quite a few resolutions here, but I need to remember that these aren't set in stone. They are just guidelines, suggestions even. If I only manage one or two next year, that's fine! I'm not a failure if I can't manage to meet all of the above.
I find resolutions difficult to make/stick to, and the guilt and failure I feel when I don't stick to those resolutions can be very damaging for my mental health. Mental health problems, such as Depression include symptoms such as guilt and feeling like a failure, so another dose of that is definitely not welcome! I have general aims I'd like to meet, but no strict resolutions. I decided to put them here, in case they may be helpful for you. Of course, you can tailor them to your abilities/what you feel able to cope with!
1. Be kinder to myself. Specifically, I want to try not to say such horrible things about myself and focus on the more positive things I can find. I can't be all bad, right?!
2. Do my best to set boundaries. If I am not comfortable with something, it's ok to say no! If I am finding a friendship is becoming toxic, it is ok to step away and even end that friendship if I feel able to.
3. Stay connected to loved ones. I am terrible at starting conversations. I know I expect people to talk to me first, and I feel very alone if no one does even for just a day. I want to take that step and say hello to someone first.
4. Let friends/family know if things aren't going well. I don't need to bottle up my physical or mental health problems. If I'm in pain, it's ok to say! If I'm feeling down, it's also ok to say! That bit of support I hopefully get in return can really help my mood.
5. Take time for myself. Although I shouldn't isolate, it's ok to take some time out for myself. Being round people can be exhausting and overwhelming, so it is a good idea to have that time and space for myself.
6. Do a nice thing for myself every day. This could be watching a movie I like, playing a game, treating myself to a favourite snack, or putting on makeup and taking a few selfies! Whatever I consider a positive, mood lifting thing counts.
7. Stay hydrated! I know I don't drink enough water, so I often try to aim to remedy that. Apart from other drinks, I manage half to a whole 500ml bottle a day. I want to double that.
8. Try not to put too much pressure on myself. There's quite a few resolutions here, but I need to remember that these aren't set in stone. They are just guidelines, suggestions even. If I only manage one or two next year, that's fine! I'm not a failure if I can't manage to meet all of the above.
Are you setting any resolutions for 2018? Comment below with your suggestions!
Whatever you do, I hope next year is the best year so far for you. See you then!
Monday, 16 October 2017
Going Abroad with Chronic Physical and Mental Illnesses
Last month, I went on holiday to Gran Canaria, with my parents. As a person with multiple mental health, physical health, and mobility problems, the thought of travelling abroad can be quite daunting and nerve wracking. Will I remember everything I need to pack? How would I be able to get across a large airport, when I can't walk far at the best of times? How will I keep myself calm? Will there be toilets available nearby? How can I plan my holiday to make sure I'm not overdoing it every day? These were just a few worries that I had. Below, I explain how I eased or solved these problems.
Packing:
About a week before I was set to go, I made lists of things to pack. I wanted to ensure I would be able to keep as cool and comfortable as possible.
Resources
https://www.birminghamairport.co.uk/at-the-airport/terminal-facilities/special-assistance/
Packing:
About a week before I was set to go, I made lists of things to pack. I wanted to ensure I would be able to keep as cool and comfortable as possible.
- I picked clothes that could mostly be slipped on, with no fiddly fastenings to deal with.
- I made sure I packed extra medication (including extra pain medication) so that I definitely had enough for the holiday.
- To keep myself cool (as well as for easily removing makeup!), I packed a full pack of face wipes.
- I packed travel size bottles of shampoo, shower gel, moisturiser etc. These are useful for keeping the luggage weight below the allowance, but also are easier on achy arms. There will be days where washing/showering is a struggle, so light products are helpful.
- Dry shampoo! I usually try to shower every other day, but sometimes I have to miss a few days, so dry shampoo is absolutely wonderful for ensuring my hair stays relatively fresh and clean.
At the Airport:
There are various things to consider, when at the airport, especially when you are chronically ill (physically or mentally).
- It is important to book special assistance at least 48 hours before you are due to travel.
- As soon as you arrive at the airport, find OCS for special assistance. They can help with getting across the airport and through security, as well as boarding the plane and even getting you to your seat (using an aisle wheelchair) if needs be. You can use your own wheelchair, if you have one, or one will be provided for you. There may also be mobility scooters available if you'd prefer to use those. I flew from Birmingham airport and found OCS opposite the Spar shop in departures. Make sure you have your passport and boarding ticket to hand, to show when asked.
- This link will give you more information about special assistance at Birmingham Airport specifically. For any other airports, there should be information about disabled facilities and special assistance on their website.
On the Plane:
- Ask for assistance, if you need help with putting your hand luggage in the overhead locker. Airline staff are there to help!
- I find it's helpful to have anything you need for the flight to hand (maybe in a handbag if it fits) so that you won't need to get to the overhead locker and search for your bag amongst the others.
Arriving at your destination's airport:
- It's likely that passengers will need to alight the plane via the stairs (unless you're lucky and a tunnel is ready!) An ambilift will be available, however, for passengers needing special assistance.
- You will need to wait until everyone (not needing special assistance) has left the plane, before assistance and the ambilift will be available. This may take a little while, so it's best to remain seated until you see special assistance staff.
- If you have checked in your own wheelchair, it may be the case that it will arrive on a different carousel to your suitcase/s. At Las Palma Airport, the wheelchair arrived on the last carousel to the right. We weren't made aware of this beforehand, so had a bit of a panic before a member of staff advised us!
Transfers from the airport to your destination.
- Coaches can be a nightmare to get onto; with large steps and rarely any toilets. The amount of stops they make can increase the journey time by a lot as well. I would suggest booking a taxi. It pretty much halves the journey time!
At your destination
- I know it's tempting to plan to do a lot on holiday (especially if there's lots to do/explore!) but consider what makes you flare up. As you would at home (when having plans for days/nights out), rest up as much as you can, before doing anything potentially flare-inducing. Most hotels have areas near reception where you can relax, so keep that in mind if the cleaner needs to access your room.
Are there any other tips you would give for fellow spoonies? Comment below!
Resources
https://www.birminghamairport.co.uk/at-the-airport/terminal-facilities/special-assistance/
Wednesday, 4 October 2017
A Review of Resonant Botanicals Qi of Calm Lotion (Sponsored Blog Post)
Disclaimer: I have been given this product as part of a product review through the Chronic Illness Bloggers network. Although the product was a gift, all opinions in this review remain my own and I was in no way influenced by the company.
I suffer from multiple anxiety disorders (including Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder) and find that I often need something to calm my nerves quite quickly. I get the most anxiety when in busy situations particularly. In the past, I've used Diazepam, which has been effective for anxiety, panic, and sleep, but I can only get this on prescription when close to/in crisis. This leaves me without adequate treatment when panicking or suffering insomnia due to anxiety. I did want to try something more natural, just to see if it would help. To be honest, I take enough medication and would rather not take any more! I was given the opportunity to try out and review Resonant Botanicals Qi of Calm Lotion, and decided to give it a go.
Resonant Botanicals Qi of Calm is a lotion, combining herbs, essential oils and green tea, in order to help with anxiety and sleep. The combination of herbs, including lavender, skullcap, and ashwaganda, works to protect against stress and maintain an emotional balance. Essential oils, including Frankincense, Chamomile, and Bergamot, help with relaxation. Finally, green tea contains an amino acid that is also said to promote relaxation.
How to use: The lotion works by being applied to certain areas of the body which are said to be associated with balancing emotions and promoting a sense of calm. Rub in a small amount of the lotion on the left side of the abdomen, (just below the ribs), on the neck below the chin, and the bottoms of your feet.
The Bottle
Qi of Calm Lotion comes in a fairly large silver bottle, with a pump dispenser. Directions for use are clearly displayed on the left side, and ingredients on the right side. The lotion is very easily dispensed, and one dispensed amount is more than enough to apply to all of the points recommended.
The Scent
The lotion has quite a herbal scent; which is quite pleasant. I find the scent itself quite calming, and believe this is probably partly how the product works. Personally, I feel the scent lasts a bit longer than I would've liked, but this is purely subjective.
The Feel
The texture is soft; with not too thick or thin creamy substance. The lotion spreads very well, so only a small amount is needed. One bottle should last you a while.
Is it Effective?
I've not noticed a significant improvement in my sleep, but I do find this product has an immediate calming effect. I think it is best to use it shortly before bedtime or any other time you need to feel calm quickly.
Give it a try!
If you are interested in trying Qi of Calm Lotion, then you can find the product page here . I do recommend giving it a try, it is definitely becoming part of my daily regime!
Resources:
Chronic Illness Bloggers network: http://
Resonant Botanicals Qi of Calm product page: http://resonantbotanicals.com/product/qi-of-calm-for-anxiety-relief/
Resonant Botanicals website: http://resonantbotanicals.com/
I suffer from multiple anxiety disorders (including Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder) and find that I often need something to calm my nerves quite quickly. I get the most anxiety when in busy situations particularly. In the past, I've used Diazepam, which has been effective for anxiety, panic, and sleep, but I can only get this on prescription when close to/in crisis. This leaves me without adequate treatment when panicking or suffering insomnia due to anxiety. I did want to try something more natural, just to see if it would help. To be honest, I take enough medication and would rather not take any more! I was given the opportunity to try out and review Resonant Botanicals Qi of Calm Lotion, and decided to give it a go.
Resonant Botanicals Qi of Calm is a lotion, combining herbs, essential oils and green tea, in order to help with anxiety and sleep. The combination of herbs, including lavender, skullcap, and ashwaganda, works to protect against stress and maintain an emotional balance. Essential oils, including Frankincense, Chamomile, and Bergamot, help with relaxation. Finally, green tea contains an amino acid that is also said to promote relaxation.
How to use: The lotion works by being applied to certain areas of the body which are said to be associated with balancing emotions and promoting a sense of calm. Rub in a small amount of the lotion on the left side of the abdomen, (just below the ribs), on the neck below the chin, and the bottoms of your feet.
The Bottle
Qi of Calm Lotion comes in a fairly large silver bottle, with a pump dispenser. Directions for use are clearly displayed on the left side, and ingredients on the right side. The lotion is very easily dispensed, and one dispensed amount is more than enough to apply to all of the points recommended.
The Scent
The lotion has quite a herbal scent; which is quite pleasant. I find the scent itself quite calming, and believe this is probably partly how the product works. Personally, I feel the scent lasts a bit longer than I would've liked, but this is purely subjective.
The Feel
The texture is soft; with not too thick or thin creamy substance. The lotion spreads very well, so only a small amount is needed. One bottle should last you a while.
Is it Effective?
I've not noticed a significant improvement in my sleep, but I do find this product has an immediate calming effect. I think it is best to use it shortly before bedtime or any other time you need to feel calm quickly.
Give it a try!
If you are interested in trying Qi of Calm Lotion, then you can find the product page here . I do recommend giving it a try, it is definitely becoming part of my daily regime!
Resources:
Chronic Illness Bloggers network: http://
Resonant Botanicals Qi of Calm product page: http://resonantbotanicals.com/product/qi-of-calm-for-anxiety-relief/
Resonant Botanicals website: http://resonantbotanicals.com/
Wednesday, 23 August 2017
Good Day vs Bad Day
Good day
The above picture is how I usually look on a good day.
On a good day, I'll wake up in the morning; feeling like I can get through the day. My fatigue is bad, but not unbearable. It will take me about 15 mins to get out of bed and, once the dizziness is gone, I can go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I will rest after this, and have a wash or shower once my pain meds have kicked in. The pain medication does not completely rid me of pain, but it makes me much more functional than I would be without it.
I will need to rest, before getting my breakfast, and rest again, before drying my hair. After this, dressing, and makeup, I will have just enough energy to leave the house. On a really good day, which is rare, I will meet a friend for lunch. Anxiety means that I will need to be picked up by them, or given a lift by my dad, but the main thing is that socialising at all is possible.
Once I'm home, I will rest for the duration of the day; having a few hours nap in the late afternoon if I'm able to sleep. Tea will be something easy to prepare/cook, or it might be a takeaway.
Bad day
The above picture is usually how I look on a bad day
My bad days tend to be very bad. I'm in a lot more pain, pain meds won't touch it (even though I will need to take more than on a good day). I'm dizzy, headache-y, shaky, nauseous, and absolutely exhausted. I will get up in the morning (my cat, Billie, demands it!) but it will take me at least double the time as a good day. I will struggle to stay awake through because of fatigue, but I will struggle to sleep, because of pain and nausea. I won't have the energy to shower or wash. I will make it to the living room for a coffee, brush my teeth after a rest, and "wash" myself with face wipes after another rest. Breakfast will be anything I can grab; such as an apple. It'll have to be something light.
I will struggle to brush my hair, and I will find the comfiest, loose clothing I can find. The Fibromyalgia makes my skin very sore (as if I'm burnt and bruised all over), so I have to think about the tightness and the material in the clothes I wear. I will take my laptop into the living room, and try to concentrate on a programme, casual game or video clips. My mood will be low, because I'm not able to do much at all. I will feel fed up and I'll be likely to isolate myself from others.
I will stay sat up for as long as I can, and then will go back to bed until teatime. I may be able to nap, but I'm very unlikely to feel much better for it.
Tea will be a takeaway, and my dad will have to wash up, as standing for more than a few minutes will make me so dizzy, I'm very likely to fall.
-------------------------------------------------------
Most of the time, my days are something between good and bad. I'm able to manage basic things, such as personal hygiene and preparing simple meals, but things like housework, socialising etc are extremely difficult or impossible. I manage my symptoms by balancing rest with trying to keep moving and doing my physio. I do this to lessen the chances of my joints seizing up, and also for general health.
How do you manage the symptoms of your chronic illness/es? Do you have any hints and tips, that you would like to share? Comment below!
Monday, 21 August 2017
Ultrasound Therapy for Hip Bursitis - My experience
(TW: Mention of weight and exercise)
A little while ago, I noticed I was getting a different kind of pain in my hips. The pain radiated over my hips and halfway down the sides of my thighs. It did feel different to my usual pains from the Hypermobility Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. I mentioned this at a medication review, and made an appointment with my GP. She examined my hips and asked me to do a couple of things to see if it affected my movement. Being hypermobile though, I still had a large range of movement. The GP said she suspected Hip Bursitis and referred me for physio.
Hip Bursitis ₁ is basically inflammation of the hip/s. There is a build-up of fluid and, with that and the inflammation, pain and tenderness occurs. It can be caused by a number of things; including injury or trauma. I don't remember knocking my hips on anything, so think mine was caused by the regular subluxations I have. My hips are very hypermobile, and apparently this is quite noticeable when I walk.
It was only a couple of weeks before my first physio appointment, thankfully, and I saw a lovely woman who knew about my conditions. She examined my hips and showed me an exercise I could do; in order to strengthen the muscles round them. She said it's quite rare to get bursitis in both hips (I guess I was just very unlucky!) but both my hips are equally hypermobile, so this is probably why.
She also booked me in for ultrasound ₂ sessions. I asked about this, because I'd never heard of it. I thought physiotherapy mainly involved exercise, but apparently there are other types of therapy that can be used. The physiotherapist told me that cold gel is put on my hip, then the ultrasound device is rubbed on both for 5 minutes each. It should help with reducing the inflammation. Some people only need one or two sessions to feel any sort of benefit, some need more.
I found the ultrasound very gentle, and relaxing to be honest. We started with me lying on my side, but this proved too painful, so I would have the sessions sitting down. The ultrasound device reminded me of the ones used for scans. Of course there's no screen, however. I found it a bit difficult to sit completely still; due to muscle twitches I experienced. I think this may be because of the Fibromyalgia. The physio understood though, and this didn't disrupt the sessions too much.
I had about 4 sessions, and although I still have a bit of the bursitis pain, it is a lot less painful than it was, when I started physio. I made sure I did the exercises too, which I think have also helped.
I've decided to see what kind of exercises I can tolerate, as well as the physio. I want to do this for general health, and to help me manage my weight. Since being on mood stabilisers, I've found my weight increasing and I want to try and lose that. Wish me luck!
Resources
1. https://www.arthritis-health.com/types/bursitis/hip-trochanteric-bursitis
2. http://www.mybursitis.com/bursitis-ultrasound.html
A little while ago, I noticed I was getting a different kind of pain in my hips. The pain radiated over my hips and halfway down the sides of my thighs. It did feel different to my usual pains from the Hypermobility Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. I mentioned this at a medication review, and made an appointment with my GP. She examined my hips and asked me to do a couple of things to see if it affected my movement. Being hypermobile though, I still had a large range of movement. The GP said she suspected Hip Bursitis and referred me for physio.
Hip Bursitis ₁ is basically inflammation of the hip/s. There is a build-up of fluid and, with that and the inflammation, pain and tenderness occurs. It can be caused by a number of things; including injury or trauma. I don't remember knocking my hips on anything, so think mine was caused by the regular subluxations I have. My hips are very hypermobile, and apparently this is quite noticeable when I walk.
It was only a couple of weeks before my first physio appointment, thankfully, and I saw a lovely woman who knew about my conditions. She examined my hips and showed me an exercise I could do; in order to strengthen the muscles round them. She said it's quite rare to get bursitis in both hips (I guess I was just very unlucky!) but both my hips are equally hypermobile, so this is probably why.
She also booked me in for ultrasound ₂ sessions. I asked about this, because I'd never heard of it. I thought physiotherapy mainly involved exercise, but apparently there are other types of therapy that can be used. The physiotherapist told me that cold gel is put on my hip, then the ultrasound device is rubbed on both for 5 minutes each. It should help with reducing the inflammation. Some people only need one or two sessions to feel any sort of benefit, some need more.
I found the ultrasound very gentle, and relaxing to be honest. We started with me lying on my side, but this proved too painful, so I would have the sessions sitting down. The ultrasound device reminded me of the ones used for scans. Of course there's no screen, however. I found it a bit difficult to sit completely still; due to muscle twitches I experienced. I think this may be because of the Fibromyalgia. The physio understood though, and this didn't disrupt the sessions too much.
I had about 4 sessions, and although I still have a bit of the bursitis pain, it is a lot less painful than it was, when I started physio. I made sure I did the exercises too, which I think have also helped.
I've decided to see what kind of exercises I can tolerate, as well as the physio. I want to do this for general health, and to help me manage my weight. Since being on mood stabilisers, I've found my weight increasing and I want to try and lose that. Wish me luck!
Resources
1. https://www.arthritis-health.com/types/bursitis/hip-trochanteric-bursitis
2. http://www.mybursitis.com/bursitis-ultrasound.html
Tuesday, 30 May 2017
Dear Distant Friend
I'm writing this whilst feeling very low and forgotten. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, but it's hard to let go of old friends when they drift away. It's hard because the memories don't go, especially the memories of times you've been there for each other through some really difficult stuff. I can't just forget you, as if you never mattered. Because you really really did.
There could be many reasons why we drifted away, but please don't let it be because I got ill. All I wanted was to be believed and supported. I can't expect you to fully understand (although I really would appreciate you trying to) but when I cancelled plans, please believe me when I say it's because I wasn't well enough to meet up. I would never cancel because I can't be bothered. I loved the times we spent together and I get frustrated with myself for being ill (even though I know it's not my fault).
I miss the closeness we had. I miss how we'd confide in each other and be there for each other, through good times and bad. I wish I could switch off my feelings, because they are so painful, but I can't
One day, I hope I'm able to let you go if we're never close again.
There could be many reasons why we drifted away, but please don't let it be because I got ill. All I wanted was to be believed and supported. I can't expect you to fully understand (although I really would appreciate you trying to) but when I cancelled plans, please believe me when I say it's because I wasn't well enough to meet up. I would never cancel because I can't be bothered. I loved the times we spent together and I get frustrated with myself for being ill (even though I know it's not my fault).
I miss the closeness we had. I miss how we'd confide in each other and be there for each other, through good times and bad. I wish I could switch off my feelings, because they are so painful, but I can't
One day, I hope I'm able to let you go if we're never close again.
Tuesday, 27 December 2016
Spinning Plates
I was trying to think of a half-decent title for this blog post, and "Spinning Plates" was all that really came to mind. I needed a title that described how I felt when it came to dealing with physical health problems, as well as mental health problems. I've mentioned my diagnoses before, but I'll state them here and hopefully I can explain how managing these conditions feels a lot like "spinning plates".
Fibromyalgia: I've had this since 2010 and sometimes I feel I've accepted it, sometimes I get extremely frustrated, upset, and angry at how much it limits what I can do/how often I can do it. I'm so used to pushing myself that I find it very hard to stop and pace before I cause my symptoms to flare up. Sometimes I deliberately go too far, because I find physical pain a little easier to cope with than mental pain. When I do pace, the internalised ableism kicks in, and I feel as if I'm being lazy, not making the most of the day etc. I know that pacing myself is a good thing to do, and resting is still productive as it means I am looking after myself. I just wish I could feel less guilty about it!
Hypermobility Syndrome: I'm not entirely sure when it became Joint Hypermobility Syndrome, but I know I've been hypermobile all my life. As I learn more about it, I realise how mindful I have to be when it comes to using my joints. I have multiple subluxations every day, and sometimes I have dislocations too. Having doctors finally believe me (after a physio actually seeing and hearing a joint dislocate!) has helped a little, but doesn't take away the frustration with working around limitations and not getting much support for it.
Depression: Looking after yourself is so so important anyway, let alone when you are dealing with multiple illnesses & disabilities! I really do try, but Depression zaps my energy (what's left of it, thanks to Fibro and JHS anyway!). I struggle with motivation as well. Emotionally, the most basic sounding tasks can feel like trying to climb a mountain. On my bad depression days, I barely do a thing, and then I hate myself for being "lazy". If it isn't too bad on particular days, but my physical health problems are, I then get frustrated with myself for physically not being able to do things that might help my mood a little (e.g. making a nice snack, doing some cross stitch, meeting a friend).
Generalized Anxiety Disorder: When anxiety gets severe, it can limit you so much. I could be having a day with slightly less physical pain, or even less fatigue. On this day, I may want to make the most of this by maybe having a walk, or at least getting out of the house (even if just into the garden). Anxiety can have a real hold on me however, and often it becomes a panic attack (which then makes the physical pain, fatigue etc worse!). As much as I want to be able to do stuff, I just can't. It's as if invisible arms are squeezing me tightly, the room has become unbearably hot, my head is pounding, the room is spinning, and I can't focus on anything else. I know these things are down to anxiety and panic, and that they will lessen in time, but it does not stop me from feeling them so intensely.
Agoraphobia: The symptoms I get with Agoraphobia are very much the same as with GAD, but they are of course more about situations (such as being out of the house, being in a busy place, not being able to get out of somewhere quickly or easily). If it is quiet, having a short walk can help lessen my depressive symptoms temporarily. I want to be able to do this as much as my health allows, but the agoraphobia holds me back. Even if I manage to force myself outside, if it is bad enough, I will not feel better. I will spend the whole time on the edge of a panic attack and that will be my energy gone for the day.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: This can affect my ability to get out of the house and cope with daily things. The meds I'm on do help calm down my OCD related anxiety a little, but on a bad day I could struggle just as much as I did before I was on the meds. Again, this holds me back and stops me from being able to make the most of low pain/fatigue days.
I hope this makes sense. There's a lot of similarities with each condition, and of course I know that mental health and physical health often overlap. For me, it feels as if they clash too! I'm trying to manage my struggles with things like anxiety with going outside and guilt from not going outside, when it occurs on a day my physical symptoms aren't too bad. On the less anxious days, I want to do more to help myself, but physical symptoms limit how much I can help myself on bad physical health days!
I guess it's about moderation and, yes, Pacing. If anyone has any tips on getting that balance right, or even if you don't and you need to vent to someone who understands, leave a comment below!
Thank you for reading.
Fibromyalgia: I've had this since 2010 and sometimes I feel I've accepted it, sometimes I get extremely frustrated, upset, and angry at how much it limits what I can do/how often I can do it. I'm so used to pushing myself that I find it very hard to stop and pace before I cause my symptoms to flare up. Sometimes I deliberately go too far, because I find physical pain a little easier to cope with than mental pain. When I do pace, the internalised ableism kicks in, and I feel as if I'm being lazy, not making the most of the day etc. I know that pacing myself is a good thing to do, and resting is still productive as it means I am looking after myself. I just wish I could feel less guilty about it!
Hypermobility Syndrome: I'm not entirely sure when it became Joint Hypermobility Syndrome, but I know I've been hypermobile all my life. As I learn more about it, I realise how mindful I have to be when it comes to using my joints. I have multiple subluxations every day, and sometimes I have dislocations too. Having doctors finally believe me (after a physio actually seeing and hearing a joint dislocate!) has helped a little, but doesn't take away the frustration with working around limitations and not getting much support for it.
Depression: Looking after yourself is so so important anyway, let alone when you are dealing with multiple illnesses & disabilities! I really do try, but Depression zaps my energy (what's left of it, thanks to Fibro and JHS anyway!). I struggle with motivation as well. Emotionally, the most basic sounding tasks can feel like trying to climb a mountain. On my bad depression days, I barely do a thing, and then I hate myself for being "lazy". If it isn't too bad on particular days, but my physical health problems are, I then get frustrated with myself for physically not being able to do things that might help my mood a little (e.g. making a nice snack, doing some cross stitch, meeting a friend).
Generalized Anxiety Disorder: When anxiety gets severe, it can limit you so much. I could be having a day with slightly less physical pain, or even less fatigue. On this day, I may want to make the most of this by maybe having a walk, or at least getting out of the house (even if just into the garden). Anxiety can have a real hold on me however, and often it becomes a panic attack (which then makes the physical pain, fatigue etc worse!). As much as I want to be able to do stuff, I just can't. It's as if invisible arms are squeezing me tightly, the room has become unbearably hot, my head is pounding, the room is spinning, and I can't focus on anything else. I know these things are down to anxiety and panic, and that they will lessen in time, but it does not stop me from feeling them so intensely.
Agoraphobia: The symptoms I get with Agoraphobia are very much the same as with GAD, but they are of course more about situations (such as being out of the house, being in a busy place, not being able to get out of somewhere quickly or easily). If it is quiet, having a short walk can help lessen my depressive symptoms temporarily. I want to be able to do this as much as my health allows, but the agoraphobia holds me back. Even if I manage to force myself outside, if it is bad enough, I will not feel better. I will spend the whole time on the edge of a panic attack and that will be my energy gone for the day.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: This can affect my ability to get out of the house and cope with daily things. The meds I'm on do help calm down my OCD related anxiety a little, but on a bad day I could struggle just as much as I did before I was on the meds. Again, this holds me back and stops me from being able to make the most of low pain/fatigue days.
I hope this makes sense. There's a lot of similarities with each condition, and of course I know that mental health and physical health often overlap. For me, it feels as if they clash too! I'm trying to manage my struggles with things like anxiety with going outside and guilt from not going outside, when it occurs on a day my physical symptoms aren't too bad. On the less anxious days, I want to do more to help myself, but physical symptoms limit how much I can help myself on bad physical health days!
I guess it's about moderation and, yes, Pacing. If anyone has any tips on getting that balance right, or even if you don't and you need to vent to someone who understands, leave a comment below!
Thank you for reading.
Friday, 18 November 2016
Flare ups, Frustration, and Fear
The Dreaded Envelope
The dreaded white envelope came through the post a couple of days ago. An ESA50 that I need to fill in and send back within a month. I had a feeling I'd be reassessed soon, but was hoping they would at least wait until my birthday and Christmas were out of the way first. Wishful thinking I guess! When I saw what it was, I became so panicky and tearful. I've been through it all before, and have horrible memories of the Work Capability Assessment and the Work Programme.
This is such a bad time for me to be reassessed. I don't know how I'm going to cope with it to be honest. If you've been following my vlogs, then you'll know that I'm having to talk about some very difficult things in the past, in therapy. This means that I'm struggling as it is. The pressure of being scrutinized and judged for daring to be too ill to work, and the possibility that I could either have my disabilities completely dismissed & found "fit for work" or I will be put in the work related activity group and possibly forced onto the work programme (or something similar), is likely to push me over the edge. I'm going to need a lot of support from my therapist and GP.
I hate the way the ESA letters are worded. They're covered in bold writing; telling you that you may be sanctioned/found fit for work if you don't do this or that. I struggle enough with letters like that, but I live with my parents, so they'd know if I was going into crisis. For a vulnerable person living on their own, the wording of those letters could have such a detrimental impact on their mental health. There is the focus on work being "good for your health" as well; implying that everyone should work, no matter how ill or disabled they are. So right from the start, you feel as if you will be found fit for work regardless.
I'm hoping I can get evidence from my physio, therapist/mental health nurse, and GP; to back up my claim. I know in some areas, GPs won't do supporting letters for ESA claims however. I've not been in this area very long, so have only been registered with this GP for less than a year. I do hope I can get some sort of evidence though.
Flare ups
I've been in more pain, much more exhausted, and more dizzy than usual this past week or so. I think the damper weather must be making me feel worse. I'm due to start my period soon as well, and find that I flare up more easily around this time. I've found it particularly frustrating this time round however. I'm finally having a type of therapy that might actually help, and physiotherapy with a physio who has one of my conditions. I had to cancel both of those appointments this week. I was getting motion sickness, bad dizziness, overheating and getting exhausted after simple things (such as brushing my teeth). I don't want to end up cancelling too many appointments, or I will be discharged. I need that extra support!
All I can do, I guess, is pace myself, rest when I need to (i.e. before I'm completely exhausted), and look after myself better. I wish I could control my illnesses, but I've tried and the best I can do is manage and work round them. Willpower does not cure chronic illnesses.
The dreaded white envelope came through the post a couple of days ago. An ESA50 that I need to fill in and send back within a month. I had a feeling I'd be reassessed soon, but was hoping they would at least wait until my birthday and Christmas were out of the way first. Wishful thinking I guess! When I saw what it was, I became so panicky and tearful. I've been through it all before, and have horrible memories of the Work Capability Assessment and the Work Programme.
This is such a bad time for me to be reassessed. I don't know how I'm going to cope with it to be honest. If you've been following my vlogs, then you'll know that I'm having to talk about some very difficult things in the past, in therapy. This means that I'm struggling as it is. The pressure of being scrutinized and judged for daring to be too ill to work, and the possibility that I could either have my disabilities completely dismissed & found "fit for work" or I will be put in the work related activity group and possibly forced onto the work programme (or something similar), is likely to push me over the edge. I'm going to need a lot of support from my therapist and GP.
I hate the way the ESA letters are worded. They're covered in bold writing; telling you that you may be sanctioned/found fit for work if you don't do this or that. I struggle enough with letters like that, but I live with my parents, so they'd know if I was going into crisis. For a vulnerable person living on their own, the wording of those letters could have such a detrimental impact on their mental health. There is the focus on work being "good for your health" as well; implying that everyone should work, no matter how ill or disabled they are. So right from the start, you feel as if you will be found fit for work regardless.
I'm hoping I can get evidence from my physio, therapist/mental health nurse, and GP; to back up my claim. I know in some areas, GPs won't do supporting letters for ESA claims however. I've not been in this area very long, so have only been registered with this GP for less than a year. I do hope I can get some sort of evidence though.
Flare ups
I've been in more pain, much more exhausted, and more dizzy than usual this past week or so. I think the damper weather must be making me feel worse. I'm due to start my period soon as well, and find that I flare up more easily around this time. I've found it particularly frustrating this time round however. I'm finally having a type of therapy that might actually help, and physiotherapy with a physio who has one of my conditions. I had to cancel both of those appointments this week. I was getting motion sickness, bad dizziness, overheating and getting exhausted after simple things (such as brushing my teeth). I don't want to end up cancelling too many appointments, or I will be discharged. I need that extra support!
All I can do, I guess, is pace myself, rest when I need to (i.e. before I'm completely exhausted), and look after myself better. I wish I could control my illnesses, but I've tried and the best I can do is manage and work round them. Willpower does not cure chronic illnesses.
Monday, 7 November 2016
Bendy Life
Last year, I had an Orthopaedic Assessment for my subluxing left knee . It ended up as an assessment of most of my joints, and I was diagnosed with Hypermobility Syndrome. I was referred on for physiotherapy (mainly for my knee) to strengthen the muscles round the joints and hopefully lessen the chance of subluxations/dislocations. I started physio in the area I lived, but this stopped when I moved out of the area.
There were a lot of things to sort out during & after the move, and my worsening health meant that getting referred for physio near my new home was on the back-burner for a while. I finally got to a point where it felt like a good time to start physio again. I dreaded the idea of having to give my life story to a stranger again; with the worry that my physical difficulties would be underestimated (which felt like the case with my previous physio!)
I had my first physio session last Friday and was very pleased with it! The physio was lovely! She was so understanding, considerate, and she listened to me. It turns out that she has Hypermobility Syndrome too! She examined me and saw how I stood, walked etc. Because I have frequent dislocations, she told me that my Hypermobility Syndrome is severe.
She asked me what I hoped to achieve from these sessions. I said that I would like to have less subluxations and a little more stability in my hips so I could walk a bit more. If I can physically go on a walk (no matter how short) then I have more chance of improving my agoraphobia. At the moment, I'm finding that my physical problems worsen some of my mental health ones.
When talking through (and getting me to try) exercises, she would listen to my concerns and notice if certain exercises were causing more strain/pain than they should. This was so different to the last physio; who implied I simply was reluctant to exercise...
As well as exercises, the physio suggested insole arch supports (as she noticed the arches in my feet are quite low) as well as kinesio tape so that my joints are less likely to pop out while I exercise.
I see her next in a couple of weeks, where I will be trying exercises while wearing kinesio tape. I've never used this before, so am interested to find out if it'll help.
There were a lot of things to sort out during & after the move, and my worsening health meant that getting referred for physio near my new home was on the back-burner for a while. I finally got to a point where it felt like a good time to start physio again. I dreaded the idea of having to give my life story to a stranger again; with the worry that my physical difficulties would be underestimated (which felt like the case with my previous physio!)
I had my first physio session last Friday and was very pleased with it! The physio was lovely! She was so understanding, considerate, and she listened to me. It turns out that she has Hypermobility Syndrome too! She examined me and saw how I stood, walked etc. Because I have frequent dislocations, she told me that my Hypermobility Syndrome is severe.
She asked me what I hoped to achieve from these sessions. I said that I would like to have less subluxations and a little more stability in my hips so I could walk a bit more. If I can physically go on a walk (no matter how short) then I have more chance of improving my agoraphobia. At the moment, I'm finding that my physical problems worsen some of my mental health ones.
When talking through (and getting me to try) exercises, she would listen to my concerns and notice if certain exercises were causing more strain/pain than they should. This was so different to the last physio; who implied I simply was reluctant to exercise...
As well as exercises, the physio suggested insole arch supports (as she noticed the arches in my feet are quite low) as well as kinesio tape so that my joints are less likely to pop out while I exercise.
I see her next in a couple of weeks, where I will be trying exercises while wearing kinesio tape. I've never used this before, so am interested to find out if it'll help.
Thursday, 13 October 2016
Quick Announcement
This is just a short post, to let you know that I've now started vlogging! A friend suggested it to me recently and, after umming and ahhing for a while, I finally decided to give it a go. I might use it for little updates or to focus on one topic at a time, I haven't decided yet. I do want to try and post vlogs regularly though. Apart from lots of furbaby videos (and a few random ones) there's an Introduction Vlog on there for now. Go check it out, and subscribe to my Amzie Bear channel if you like it!
I will of course keep blogging here, so stay tuned!
I will of course keep blogging here, so stay tuned!
Friday, 29 July 2016
A Review of Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion (Sponsored Blog Post)
Disclaimer:
This is a sponsored post. I
have been given this product as part of a product review through the
Chronic Illness Bloggers network. Although the product was a gift, all opinions in this review
remain my own and I was in no way influenced by the company.
My pains have been so bad recently, and noticeably so in my knees. I've been on Tramulief Slow Release (100 mg) for a little while now and, although it really does help & lasts once it kicks in, it doesn't give the quick relief I need for my joints. I also find it doesn't really help with the stiffness either.
I've tried topical treatments in the past and have found no relief whatsoever. A lot of them just give a warming feeling and smell strongly of chemicals. I'd heard of the benefits of CBD (Cannabidiol) oil, but was unsure whether it'd be worth the money. I'd already spent a lot on treatments that didn't work. When I was given the opportunity to try a new lotion containing CBD oil, I (figuratively!) jumped at the chance and straightaway accepted. I am so glad I did! This is my review of Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion.
Fay Farms have introduced a new product to their range. Fay Farms Rejuvenation lotion is a very natural product; combining herbs and essential oils for relief of joint and muscular pain. Its ingredients include magnesium, hemp oil, valerian, turmeric, and 200 mg CBD (cannabidiol) oil; which are known for their anti inflammatory and relaxation properties.
Packaging
Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion arrived in a fairly large but slim bottle with a pump lid for easy application. It looks very different to other products in my bathroom, so stands out easily. The gold label and beautiful detail on the front give Rejuvenation Lotion a premium look.
The Scent
It has quite a strong, but fairly pleasant smell. Ingredients in this product (such as jojoba and vanilla) are easily identified & give a natural scent to Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion. The smell lasts a little longer than I would like, but does eventually fade.
The Feel
This lotion has a lovely thick, creamy texture; which spreads well over the affected area. A sufficient amount of the product can be obtained from one dispensing. The pains in my knees have been particularly bad recently, so I decided to try the product on them for now. It takes longer to absorb than I would like, but does not tend to leave residue on clothes, as far as I have found.
Is it Effective?
Personally, I've found it very helpful! This came as a surprise to me, as topical treatments don't tend to help my pains. I'm very glad I tried it however. It doesn't take too long for the effects to kick in and it happens gradually. I found it relaxed my muscles just enough, and eased the stiffness quite quickly. I'm able to move with a little more ease; which is such a relief. I will be very likely to purchase Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion when this bottle runs out.
Give it a try!
If you would like to try Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion, you can find it here . You can also find other Fay Farms products on the CBD products page of the Canna Tree House website.
Fay Farms Rejuvenation Lotion page - https://www.cannatreehouse.com/products/the-fay-farm-rejuvenation-cbd-lotion
Canna Tree House CBD products page - https://www.cannatreehouse.com/collections/cbd-products
Thursday, 18 February 2016
We Are Struggling
I seem to be in a constant daze right now, and I'm getting frustrated that I'm unable to concentrate much. There is so much going on, and so many worries, that I'm struggling to cope with it all.
Both my parents and I have various long term illnesses and disabilities. Mum and I can't work, and it looks as if my dad may have to consider giving up work soon too. I feel so guilty that my dad has to do so much around the house. I do try so hard to do more, and I'm nearly always pushing myself too far (out of necessity!). It's getting to a point where we are worrying about the future. How will we manage around the house? Can we afford to keep up with bills? Will any of us be able to do some sort of work?
We have appointments coming up that may/may not provide answers; but in the meantime we are left trying to figure out what kind of support we can get (social care, benefits etc). If anyone thinks a life on benefits is an easy one, they seriously need to sit down and listen to people's experiences. It. Is. Not. Easy.
My parents, friends, and my boyfriend are all so supportive and understanding of my health problems. I don't know what I'd do without their support. They see/read about my good and bad days, so mostly understand how much I struggle and why I'm not able to work. I so wish that certain other relatives could understand that too though. I'm so tired of being asked if I'm back in work yet, why can't I do *insert completely unreasonable job here* etc. They seem to believe that I will recover at some point, and the idea of me never getting better seems impossible to them. I'm sick of having to explain over and over. It's taken me a while to get to a point of acceptance, and I still have times where I get so angry, frustrated, and upset that nothing is improving. I'm just trying to manage the symptoms I'm able to as best I can, and do what I can to enjoy life. That is my way of coping. Of course I read up on any new research I come across, but I need to be realistic and accept that right now all I can do is try to manage my conditions.
Support from loved ones is so important. Educate yourself, listen, do not judge, know that you may not fully understand but you need to accept what we are telling you. It is hard enough to deal with the daily struggles of having a chronic illness.
You may have noticed that I now have a donate button on my blog. If mum doesn't get any more help from her current specialist, we may have to travel to a hospital with more facilities, funding for new treatments etc. This will of course mean more expenses, and I'm not sure how we could come up with the money. I'm terrible at asking for money but I may need to soon. In return, I intend to blog more often and if there's anything in particular you'd like me to write about, give advice on etc, then leave a comment.
Both my parents and I have various long term illnesses and disabilities. Mum and I can't work, and it looks as if my dad may have to consider giving up work soon too. I feel so guilty that my dad has to do so much around the house. I do try so hard to do more, and I'm nearly always pushing myself too far (out of necessity!). It's getting to a point where we are worrying about the future. How will we manage around the house? Can we afford to keep up with bills? Will any of us be able to do some sort of work?
We have appointments coming up that may/may not provide answers; but in the meantime we are left trying to figure out what kind of support we can get (social care, benefits etc). If anyone thinks a life on benefits is an easy one, they seriously need to sit down and listen to people's experiences. It. Is. Not. Easy.
My parents, friends, and my boyfriend are all so supportive and understanding of my health problems. I don't know what I'd do without their support. They see/read about my good and bad days, so mostly understand how much I struggle and why I'm not able to work. I so wish that certain other relatives could understand that too though. I'm so tired of being asked if I'm back in work yet, why can't I do *insert completely unreasonable job here* etc. They seem to believe that I will recover at some point, and the idea of me never getting better seems impossible to them. I'm sick of having to explain over and over. It's taken me a while to get to a point of acceptance, and I still have times where I get so angry, frustrated, and upset that nothing is improving. I'm just trying to manage the symptoms I'm able to as best I can, and do what I can to enjoy life. That is my way of coping. Of course I read up on any new research I come across, but I need to be realistic and accept that right now all I can do is try to manage my conditions.
Support from loved ones is so important. Educate yourself, listen, do not judge, know that you may not fully understand but you need to accept what we are telling you. It is hard enough to deal with the daily struggles of having a chronic illness.
You may have noticed that I now have a donate button on my blog. If mum doesn't get any more help from her current specialist, we may have to travel to a hospital with more facilities, funding for new treatments etc. This will of course mean more expenses, and I'm not sure how we could come up with the money. I'm terrible at asking for money but I may need to soon. In return, I intend to blog more often and if there's anything in particular you'd like me to write about, give advice on etc, then leave a comment.
Sunday, 24 January 2016
Big Changes
It's been a good couple of months since my last post, and I did mean to talk about my progress with the physiotherapy sessions! Truth is, there have been some big (and quick!) changes recently.
My parents and I moved house at the end of last month. Thanks to the letting agent rushing us along, we had less than a month to confirm we wanted the place, come up with deposit, and move in. Even without all of our disabilities, this is a very stressful thing to do! We are still surrounded by boxes, but we are much happier in this new place. It is easier to get round the house, the area is flatter, and the shops, GP surgery etc are nearer. It is a much quieter area too.
I only managed to have one physio appointment before the move, and am planning to ask to be referred to the physio place next door to the new GP's. Hopefully the wait won't be too long. I just want to be able to do a bit more (especially with my dad's health worsening).
The prospect of so many changes has been very daunting, but I'm getting a bit less panicky about it now. Things such as changing doctors, contacting various companies (including the Jobcentre eep!) to change address, the mental and physical exhaustion (not to mention the extra pain) from the move itself, have been very hard to cope with. So many things to consider, my mind has been racing. It is a change for the better, but it has involved pushing myself to my absolute limits in order to help out as much as I can.
Thankfully some of my uncles helped with the move itself. We had removal people come too. Without them, I don't think we'd have managed it!
Since my last post, I've noticed new and worsening symptoms. I put some of it down to overdoing things, but other symptoms have just been strange. I have a couple of nurses appointments, but I do need to make a doctor's appointment at some point. I did mention them to my previous GP, who has referred to them in my notes (hopefully). I'm finding that nearly every time I move my head, especially if turning to the left or right, I get a huge wave of dizziness. At the same time as this dizziness, I get pins and needles as well as weakness in my right hand. This has caused me to drop things suddenly, and has really started to bother me. My co ordination has been off too, and I'm tripping over more often. Now and again, when I get the dizziness, I feel & hear a sort of scratching in my head. It's very unnerving! This may be unrelated, but I'm getting more headaches & my eyesight is getting worse too.
As for the physio appointment, it went pretty well. There were a couple of things I wasn't happy with, but generally I think they understood the kinds of problems I had, and took that into consideration. I've not been able to keep completely to the exercise programme (the move, flare ups etc) but it is at least doable.
I'm sure there were more things I wanted to mention in this post, but I think I'll have to leave it here. I do want to blog more often. I've even wondered about vlogging, but I don't think I could cope with the mean comments.
My parents and I moved house at the end of last month. Thanks to the letting agent rushing us along, we had less than a month to confirm we wanted the place, come up with deposit, and move in. Even without all of our disabilities, this is a very stressful thing to do! We are still surrounded by boxes, but we are much happier in this new place. It is easier to get round the house, the area is flatter, and the shops, GP surgery etc are nearer. It is a much quieter area too.
I only managed to have one physio appointment before the move, and am planning to ask to be referred to the physio place next door to the new GP's. Hopefully the wait won't be too long. I just want to be able to do a bit more (especially with my dad's health worsening).
Thankfully some of my uncles helped with the move itself. We had removal people come too. Without them, I don't think we'd have managed it!
Since my last post, I've noticed new and worsening symptoms. I put some of it down to overdoing things, but other symptoms have just been strange. I have a couple of nurses appointments, but I do need to make a doctor's appointment at some point. I did mention them to my previous GP, who has referred to them in my notes (hopefully). I'm finding that nearly every time I move my head, especially if turning to the left or right, I get a huge wave of dizziness. At the same time as this dizziness, I get pins and needles as well as weakness in my right hand. This has caused me to drop things suddenly, and has really started to bother me. My co ordination has been off too, and I'm tripping over more often. Now and again, when I get the dizziness, I feel & hear a sort of scratching in my head. It's very unnerving! This may be unrelated, but I'm getting more headaches & my eyesight is getting worse too.
As for the physio appointment, it went pretty well. There were a couple of things I wasn't happy with, but generally I think they understood the kinds of problems I had, and took that into consideration. I've not been able to keep completely to the exercise programme (the move, flare ups etc) but it is at least doable.
I'm sure there were more things I wanted to mention in this post, but I think I'll have to leave it here. I do want to blog more often. I've even wondered about vlogging, but I don't think I could cope with the mean comments.
Thursday, 19 November 2015
Exhausted
After months of trying to contact our landlord to get the tiles sorted in our bathroom (they were cracked and falling off), he finally sent someone round! I knew it'd cause some disruption to my sleep pattern, but I didn't expect it to be quite so bad (silly me).
Over the past week or so, I've had to get up and dressed before 8.30am each day. I've not been getting to sleep until 5am on average, so have been struggling so much on so little sleep. I decided I'd get up and dressed, take my meds early and maybe try to have breakfast before going back to sleep for a few more hours. It's been difficult, because of the hammering, drilling etc noises in the bathroom, and my anxiety about having a stranger in the house. I've been drifting in and out of sleep, and have felt even more exhausted than usual. I feel like I've lost so many days, because I've just not had the energy to do much at all. Even conversation has been too much for me, as I've not been able to process well what is being said to me. I doubt I've made much sense when I've replied either.
Thankfully today has (hopefully!) been the last day of this disruption, so I'm hoping I'll be able to catch up on sleep soon. I never feel rested after sleeping (the joys of Fibromyalgia!) but having my, already terrible, sleeping pattern being disrupted, puts me in a whole other level of exhaustion.
Just when you think a symptom (such as fatigue) can't get any worse, it always manages to surprise you!
Over the past week or so, I've had to get up and dressed before 8.30am each day. I've not been getting to sleep until 5am on average, so have been struggling so much on so little sleep. I decided I'd get up and dressed, take my meds early and maybe try to have breakfast before going back to sleep for a few more hours. It's been difficult, because of the hammering, drilling etc noises in the bathroom, and my anxiety about having a stranger in the house. I've been drifting in and out of sleep, and have felt even more exhausted than usual. I feel like I've lost so many days, because I've just not had the energy to do much at all. Even conversation has been too much for me, as I've not been able to process well what is being said to me. I doubt I've made much sense when I've replied either.
Thankfully today has (hopefully!) been the last day of this disruption, so I'm hoping I'll be able to catch up on sleep soon. I never feel rested after sleeping (the joys of Fibromyalgia!) but having my, already terrible, sleeping pattern being disrupted, puts me in a whole other level of exhaustion.
Just when you think a symptom (such as fatigue) can't get any worse, it always manages to surprise you!
Thursday, 22 October 2015
Referral and Mental Health Updates
Not a huge amount has happened recently. If I'm honest, I've felt a bit ignored by doctors, therapists etc.
In a way, I've preferred not having therapy at the moment. For many reasons I suppose. Sometimes it's because I've felt able to try and do things on my own. I felt as if things were do-able. Other times, I've not felt ready to go back into therapy. I suppose I've wanted to be left alone (which is strange; considering how hard I've tried to get more support!)
Maybe I worry too much will be expected of me? I'm trying to do things at my own pace, and accept that it's going to take a while. Even on days where I'm feeling more able to go out of the house on my own (for example), my physical health vastly limits what I can do. It feels like a balancing act.
(TW meds & self harm) I'm now on 150mg Sertraline a day, and it seems to be the right level for me right now. I'm having less crises, and even have days where I don't feel strongly suicidal! What I am doing more of though is self harming. It took me a while to realise that it is a form of self harm. I don't want to go into details about it. I tend to do it for different reasons, and I think that it has become a compulsion as well. I've been trying to find distractions, even buying one of those fidget toys on Amazon, but once I start, it is extremely difficult to stop.
It's been 3 months since I was sent a referral letter for physiotherapy. My original post about the Orthopaedic assessment is here . The letter told me to ring a number, and give my name, hospital number, and any dates I'd be unavailable for an appointment. So I rang. The automated message told me to press 1 to book an appointment. I did so, and was told to leave a message with the details they required.
I finally got up the courage to ring the hospital to ask why I hadn't heard anything yet. It turned out, that they hadn't got the message, and I was supposed to wait to speak to a receptionist to book the appointment! I wish this had been stated more clearly in the letter. I also wish they'd sort the damn phone system out! I find it difficult enough to use phones (because brain fog & anxiety). I'd been discharged because they hadn't heard anything from me. I was told to get in touch with my GP, and get re-referred. I said thank you, and hung up.
After the phone call, of course I became panicky. I've been needing physiotherapy for so long, and it seemed to be so hard to obtain an appointment! Mum rang the GP surgery for me, and passed the phone over when she got through to my GP's secretary. I was still panicky and confused, but I had to take the call. Thankfully, the secretary was lovely! I explained my situation, worried that I wouldn't make any sense, but the secretary understood & got it sorted for me. She warned it would be a long waiting list though.
I was expecting another few months wait, but I had a hospital letter come today, with an appointment for the start of November! There must've been a cancellation. The physio place is close to my house, so I should be ok getting there. I've been to that place for blood tests too, so know my way around.
My next post will probably be about my first physiotherapy session. In the meantime, thank you for reading :)
In a way, I've preferred not having therapy at the moment. For many reasons I suppose. Sometimes it's because I've felt able to try and do things on my own. I felt as if things were do-able. Other times, I've not felt ready to go back into therapy. I suppose I've wanted to be left alone (which is strange; considering how hard I've tried to get more support!)
Maybe I worry too much will be expected of me? I'm trying to do things at my own pace, and accept that it's going to take a while. Even on days where I'm feeling more able to go out of the house on my own (for example), my physical health vastly limits what I can do. It feels like a balancing act.
(TW meds & self harm) I'm now on 150mg Sertraline a day, and it seems to be the right level for me right now. I'm having less crises, and even have days where I don't feel strongly suicidal! What I am doing more of though is self harming. It took me a while to realise that it is a form of self harm. I don't want to go into details about it. I tend to do it for different reasons, and I think that it has become a compulsion as well. I've been trying to find distractions, even buying one of those fidget toys on Amazon, but once I start, it is extremely difficult to stop.
It's been 3 months since I was sent a referral letter for physiotherapy. My original post about the Orthopaedic assessment is here . The letter told me to ring a number, and give my name, hospital number, and any dates I'd be unavailable for an appointment. So I rang. The automated message told me to press 1 to book an appointment. I did so, and was told to leave a message with the details they required.
I finally got up the courage to ring the hospital to ask why I hadn't heard anything yet. It turned out, that they hadn't got the message, and I was supposed to wait to speak to a receptionist to book the appointment! I wish this had been stated more clearly in the letter. I also wish they'd sort the damn phone system out! I find it difficult enough to use phones (because brain fog & anxiety). I'd been discharged because they hadn't heard anything from me. I was told to get in touch with my GP, and get re-referred. I said thank you, and hung up.
After the phone call, of course I became panicky. I've been needing physiotherapy for so long, and it seemed to be so hard to obtain an appointment! Mum rang the GP surgery for me, and passed the phone over when she got through to my GP's secretary. I was still panicky and confused, but I had to take the call. Thankfully, the secretary was lovely! I explained my situation, worried that I wouldn't make any sense, but the secretary understood & got it sorted for me. She warned it would be a long waiting list though.
I was expecting another few months wait, but I had a hospital letter come today, with an appointment for the start of November! There must've been a cancellation. The physio place is close to my house, so I should be ok getting there. I've been to that place for blood tests too, so know my way around.
My next post will probably be about my first physiotherapy session. In the meantime, thank you for reading :)
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