(TW: Mentions of Self Harm and Overdosing)
Recently I've been thinking about where I'm going in life. There's a lot I want to do, but my health either won't allow it, or causes me to struggle to do it. If this is the first post you've read by me then here are my diagnoses:
Fibromyalgia
Joint Hypermobility Syndrome
Overactive Bladder Syndrome
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Borderline Personality Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (although I'd say this is very mild these days)
Depression
Generalised Anxiety Disorder
Agoraphobia
Some of these illnesses aren't as bad nowadays, but others can be unpredictable. After trying different medication, I've come to accept that this is probably the best my health will be for the foreseeable future. So, what do I do with my life?
I've always been an ambitious person, and I do put a lot of pressure on myself to achieve things. This means I tend to do too much at once, or throw myself into things without considering pacing myself. I want more out of life than I'm getting right now though.
I've considered studying again, but doing it with the Open University so I don't need to travel. I looked into a Masters in Psychology. I meet the entry requirements, and I could get the finance I need, but the only thing I can't do is afford the £2000ish required upfront before the loans are paid in. I want to save up for this somehow, but I don't see how I can save much at all while on benefits (they do not stretch far!)
I've considered working again. It should mean more income, and I could hopefully keep my PIP (if the assessment goes well, as I'd have to report a change in circumstances). Could I manage working though? Even the most basic-sounding office job requires sitting up for hours on end (I often have to lie down), remembering a lot of information, possibly walking to different departments, answering/making telephone calls (I'm not as bad now, but still have phone anxiety), bending and reaching shelves (which I can do, but it's very painful) etc. Even part time, I'd be doing this about 5 days a week. Is it worth compromising my health? How many times would I have bad days, and need to call in sick? What about the days when my anxiety disorders give me panic attacks, my depression causes me to need naps throughout the day, or my BPD causes me to feel such self hatred that all I want to do is harm myself? It's a constant battle, and with the (lack of) support I have available for both physical and mental illnesses, I don't see much changing. The more realistic option would be a home based job, but there's not a lot around that offer regular work that would pay enough for me to live on.
I want to move out before I turn 30 (I'm 28 right now), but I don't know how I will manage on my own. Last time I planned moving out, the stress put me into crisis, I overdosed twice, and even now I still have urges. There's also finances to consider, how I would physically cope with running a house by myself, and how my benefits would be affected because of me having to cope by myself. I can't live with my parents forever though.
I went to a family wedding very recently, and one of the usual questions came up from a certain family member; "so, what are you doing these days?". I mentioned that I blog and I vlog sometimes, but of course what they wanted to know was if I was working yet. The disappointment in their eyes when I said "no" was quite hurtful. I quickly followed this up by explaining I'd been thinking about studying or working. They didn't seem satisfied though. Apparently Psychology isn't the right path to go down for work or study. I should be doing Computer Science instead.
As well as working *and* studying, they expected me to take up driving lessons again (I did learn 10 years ago, but failed my test and couldn't afford it/lost my confidence afterwards). They also wanted me to travel to see them more.
It was very hard to explain why I couldn't do some, let alone all of these things. I also felt I wasn't being listened to, I was just being told what I *should* be doing. The thing is, this family member knows at least some of the illnesses I have, yet they don't seem to realise that chronic means lifelong, and that these illnesses affect my daily life significantly.
This has been playing on my mind a lot recently, and I feel like I'm achieving nothing in my life right now. I spoke to a few friends about how I'd been feeling and got some great advice for testing how I'd manage with the workload of a job, as well as some advice about driving. To my surprise, a lot of people my age and older don't/can't drive. The only reason I might take up driving again is if I have children in the future. Apparently, I may have to check with DVLA as to whether (with my conditions) I'm actually allowed to. Honestly, I don't want to drive. It makes me panic, I don't feel safe or in control, and I don't think it's worth feeling this way. I always felt like I had to learn though, for my family if not myself. To be told by a friend that I don't ever have to drive if I don't want to, was really helpful though.
Right now, I can't say I've decided on anything. I'm looking at job vacancies, but I'm also considering whether I'm ready or not. Studying will have to wait, unless I do some free short courses. Driving is something I don't want to think about right now, and I guess moving out will just have to wait until I'm financially more secure (whenever that will be).
In the meantime, I have to look at the little achievements, one of which will be finishing this blog post!
Do you have a Chronic illness (physical and/or mental) and struggle to work/can't work? What parts of your job do you struggle most with? What are your thoughts?
Showing posts with label Ableism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ableism. Show all posts
Wednesday, 1 August 2018
Tuesday, 30 May 2017
Dear Distant Friend
I'm writing this whilst feeling very low and forgotten. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, but it's hard to let go of old friends when they drift away. It's hard because the memories don't go, especially the memories of times you've been there for each other through some really difficult stuff. I can't just forget you, as if you never mattered. Because you really really did.
There could be many reasons why we drifted away, but please don't let it be because I got ill. All I wanted was to be believed and supported. I can't expect you to fully understand (although I really would appreciate you trying to) but when I cancelled plans, please believe me when I say it's because I wasn't well enough to meet up. I would never cancel because I can't be bothered. I loved the times we spent together and I get frustrated with myself for being ill (even though I know it's not my fault).
I miss the closeness we had. I miss how we'd confide in each other and be there for each other, through good times and bad. I wish I could switch off my feelings, because they are so painful, but I can't
One day, I hope I'm able to let you go if we're never close again.
There could be many reasons why we drifted away, but please don't let it be because I got ill. All I wanted was to be believed and supported. I can't expect you to fully understand (although I really would appreciate you trying to) but when I cancelled plans, please believe me when I say it's because I wasn't well enough to meet up. I would never cancel because I can't be bothered. I loved the times we spent together and I get frustrated with myself for being ill (even though I know it's not my fault).
I miss the closeness we had. I miss how we'd confide in each other and be there for each other, through good times and bad. I wish I could switch off my feelings, because they are so painful, but I can't
One day, I hope I'm able to let you go if we're never close again.
Saturday, 22 April 2017
Accompanying someone to a Work Capability Assessment
I've had a face to face Work Capability Assessment, as well as a face to face assessment for Personal Independence Payment in the past. I'm not sure I thoroughly described my experience of these assessments, but today I want to talk through a Work Capability Assessment my father had recently. I accompanied him and took notes throughout.
We arrived at the assessment centre, with the daunting thought that we'd probably have to park quite far away. From my experience, I know that there are a lot of cameras outside these centres and (also from my experience) there's a very high chance that the assessor is watching you to see how far you walk from your car/stop to the building, and they will write their "findings" in your report.
Luckily, we found a space just a few metres from the building. As we entered, we were greeted by a G4S security guard; who immediately asked to see our appointment letter. They also asked if my father could manage stairs or a lift. Now we were under the impression that the assessment would be held on the ground floor, and I made this fact very clear to the security guard. I also mentioned that, although my father could manage to use the lift, he wouldn't be able to use it in the event of a fire & would not be able to use the stairs. The security guard accepted this (reluctantly) and showed us to the ground floor waiting room.
The waiting room was empty, apart from one elderly woman who was noticeably struggling with pain and balance. Although the waiting room was small, there were two cameras strategically placed to film anyone waiting for their assessment. I asked the woman if she was ok, and if she needed a cup of water (there was a water cooler nearby). She declined, but told me she was very nervous about her assessment, and was fed up that she'd been waiting 45 minutes already. I told her I thought that was awful, and she replied that the couple before her had been waiting over an hour. Just before we were called in (after a receptionist came to check my father's ID and sort out travel expenses), the couple the woman had mentioned, came out of the assessment room. One of them (I assume was the claimant) was clearly in agony and could barely walk. People who are struggling this much, should not have to make their way to an assessment. They should either be assessed on paper, or in their own home. Unfortunately the rules (for an ESA claim at least) state that a doctor's note is required before a home assessment is considered. There's not much time to organise this, so this means that people are having to drag themselves to assessment centres that are not always suitable for their needs.
A rather snooty healthcare professional came to call my father in for his assessment. It was easy to tell he was watching my father's every move as we walked towards the room. I have no doubt that this will be (inaccurately) noted in the ESA report. We sat down, and I got out the folder of evidence we wanted to show, as well as a notepad and pen. The "healthcare professional" (I have no idea what his actual profession was, and his badge only said Healthcare Professional) noticed this, and commented that I was allowed to take notes as long as they were just for reference and not to be used in any investigations (hmm). I gave him my most patronising smile and said that these were just for reference. It was obvious to me that he wasn't happy about this, but there was nothing he could do. I know what's allowed. One thing I wasn't happy with, was that he didn't even introduce himself to us.
The assessment then began. The questions asked first were to do with the medical conditions my dad was claiming ESA for. The assessor went through each condition and asked how long he'd had it for, who diagnosed him, any investigations he'd had, what treatments he was on, operations he'd had, whether he'd noticed any improvements, and which specialist/s (if any) he saw for these conditions. What I found was that I had to reword some of the questions the assessor asked, in order for my dad to understand them. The assessor spoke quite quietly, mumbled a lot, and didn't word questions in a clear way. For example, when asking about my dad's total knee replacement surgery, he asked how he was rather than whether he felt there'd been any improvement since the operation. For some, it may seem easy to get what the assessor meant, but when you are put on the spot, it's much better to be asked questions in a clearer way.
We next went onto the tablets my father is currently on. I'd brought them with me, so put them on the table so I could show each box to the assessor. He asked what my father took each medication for, how often, how many at a time, what strength, how long he'd been on them etc. As my dad answered, the assessor checked through each box (presumably to see if dad was telling the truth...).
After this, the assessor asked how we had travelled to the assessment centre, and how long it had taken us. He also asked who dad had travelled with (me!), my name, and age.
We discussed sleep problems next i.e., did dad have any, why he thought he struggled with sleep, how long he slept on average etc.
We then went onto the questions asked in the ESA50 (the limited capability for work questionnaire). The assessor started with personal care questions; such as washing and dressing. He asked how long it took to get out of bed, whether he needed help with dressing or used any aids (bed included). He also asked whether my dad was able to wash/dress his upper and lower body, have showers etc. My dad made sure to mention how much he struggles, and how pain and stiffness severely affect him.
Household tasks, cooking, shopping, and leisure activities were the next topics the assessor asked questions on. He asked what types of chores & cooking dad could manage, how often, whether he needed help, why he struggled and so on. I told the assessor that there's not much we can manage and I have to help my dad if his pain gets too much or he becomes confused.
As for shopping, we do nearly all of ours online (my mum and I take turns with this, as dad can't use a computer). We only go to the shops for a couple of bits (bread and milk, for e.g.) The assessor asked if we walked to the shops, and how far away they were. Dad said that the shops were only 5 or 10 minutes away, but we still had to drive there.
Dad was asked if he had any hobbies, but there wasn't much to discuss on this topic. His concentration is poor, and he doesn't have the energy spare for socialising so it's just light reading and watching a bit of television. The assessor then asked how long dad could stand/sit for. He tried to lead dad to agree with his suggestions for an answer (standing/sitting for 45 minutes, or 2 hours?). Dad was already exhausted and needed prompting, so I told him that it was more like standing for 5 minutes, and sitting for 30 minutes before having to sit back down or move around. This was due to stiffness in joints and pain. I'm hoping the assessor noticed that my dad had to get up a few times during the assessment, for these exact reasons.
The last question asked was how long my dad could walk for, before having to stop. I notice that assessors tend to ask how long (time taken) rather than how far (distance). This does not lead them to an accurate answer for how far a claimant can walk, however, and I think they do this on purpose. No two people will travel the same distance in the space of 5 minutes, for example. One may be able to walk 200 metres, whilst another could only manage 50 minutes. I believe the assessor predicts the furthest distance walked in the time specified; which of course makes the claimant appear more able than they are. I noticed that questions were repeated and reworded sometimes, in order to supposedly "catch us out". I think our answers were consistent though, and I'm glad I'd made my dad aware beforehand that this would happen.
The last part of the assessment was the clinical one; where dad had his blood pressure checked, then had to repeat some exercises (if possible). This consisted of bending/turning his head, moving his arms forward, backwards, to each side & over his head. He also had to make a fist with each hand, and push against the assessors hands. Lastly, he had to sit down and stretch and bend his legs, then push each one against the assessor's hands (both in front and behind).
At the end, the assessor explained what would happen next (writing up the report, sending it to the decision maker etc) and that we could ask for a mandatory reconsideration if unhappy with the decision. We were so glad to get out of the building soon after this!
So that was the face to face Work Capability Assessment! I hope my account of it may be helpful to anyone waiting for theirs. I'm no expert, just someone who has been through the process, but I am happy to read any comments or answer any questions you may have. If I'm not able to answer your question/s, then I will let you know where you may find the answers.
We arrived at the assessment centre, with the daunting thought that we'd probably have to park quite far away. From my experience, I know that there are a lot of cameras outside these centres and (also from my experience) there's a very high chance that the assessor is watching you to see how far you walk from your car/stop to the building, and they will write their "findings" in your report.
Luckily, we found a space just a few metres from the building. As we entered, we were greeted by a G4S security guard; who immediately asked to see our appointment letter. They also asked if my father could manage stairs or a lift. Now we were under the impression that the assessment would be held on the ground floor, and I made this fact very clear to the security guard. I also mentioned that, although my father could manage to use the lift, he wouldn't be able to use it in the event of a fire & would not be able to use the stairs. The security guard accepted this (reluctantly) and showed us to the ground floor waiting room.
The waiting room was empty, apart from one elderly woman who was noticeably struggling with pain and balance. Although the waiting room was small, there were two cameras strategically placed to film anyone waiting for their assessment. I asked the woman if she was ok, and if she needed a cup of water (there was a water cooler nearby). She declined, but told me she was very nervous about her assessment, and was fed up that she'd been waiting 45 minutes already. I told her I thought that was awful, and she replied that the couple before her had been waiting over an hour. Just before we were called in (after a receptionist came to check my father's ID and sort out travel expenses), the couple the woman had mentioned, came out of the assessment room. One of them (I assume was the claimant) was clearly in agony and could barely walk. People who are struggling this much, should not have to make their way to an assessment. They should either be assessed on paper, or in their own home. Unfortunately the rules (for an ESA claim at least) state that a doctor's note is required before a home assessment is considered. There's not much time to organise this, so this means that people are having to drag themselves to assessment centres that are not always suitable for their needs.
A rather snooty healthcare professional came to call my father in for his assessment. It was easy to tell he was watching my father's every move as we walked towards the room. I have no doubt that this will be (inaccurately) noted in the ESA report. We sat down, and I got out the folder of evidence we wanted to show, as well as a notepad and pen. The "healthcare professional" (I have no idea what his actual profession was, and his badge only said Healthcare Professional) noticed this, and commented that I was allowed to take notes as long as they were just for reference and not to be used in any investigations (hmm). I gave him my most patronising smile and said that these were just for reference. It was obvious to me that he wasn't happy about this, but there was nothing he could do. I know what's allowed. One thing I wasn't happy with, was that he didn't even introduce himself to us.
The assessment then began. The questions asked first were to do with the medical conditions my dad was claiming ESA for. The assessor went through each condition and asked how long he'd had it for, who diagnosed him, any investigations he'd had, what treatments he was on, operations he'd had, whether he'd noticed any improvements, and which specialist/s (if any) he saw for these conditions. What I found was that I had to reword some of the questions the assessor asked, in order for my dad to understand them. The assessor spoke quite quietly, mumbled a lot, and didn't word questions in a clear way. For example, when asking about my dad's total knee replacement surgery, he asked how he was rather than whether he felt there'd been any improvement since the operation. For some, it may seem easy to get what the assessor meant, but when you are put on the spot, it's much better to be asked questions in a clearer way.
We next went onto the tablets my father is currently on. I'd brought them with me, so put them on the table so I could show each box to the assessor. He asked what my father took each medication for, how often, how many at a time, what strength, how long he'd been on them etc. As my dad answered, the assessor checked through each box (presumably to see if dad was telling the truth...).
After this, the assessor asked how we had travelled to the assessment centre, and how long it had taken us. He also asked who dad had travelled with (me!), my name, and age.
We discussed sleep problems next i.e., did dad have any, why he thought he struggled with sleep, how long he slept on average etc.
We then went onto the questions asked in the ESA50 (the limited capability for work questionnaire). The assessor started with personal care questions; such as washing and dressing. He asked how long it took to get out of bed, whether he needed help with dressing or used any aids (bed included). He also asked whether my dad was able to wash/dress his upper and lower body, have showers etc. My dad made sure to mention how much he struggles, and how pain and stiffness severely affect him.
Household tasks, cooking, shopping, and leisure activities were the next topics the assessor asked questions on. He asked what types of chores & cooking dad could manage, how often, whether he needed help, why he struggled and so on. I told the assessor that there's not much we can manage and I have to help my dad if his pain gets too much or he becomes confused.
As for shopping, we do nearly all of ours online (my mum and I take turns with this, as dad can't use a computer). We only go to the shops for a couple of bits (bread and milk, for e.g.) The assessor asked if we walked to the shops, and how far away they were. Dad said that the shops were only 5 or 10 minutes away, but we still had to drive there.
Dad was asked if he had any hobbies, but there wasn't much to discuss on this topic. His concentration is poor, and he doesn't have the energy spare for socialising so it's just light reading and watching a bit of television. The assessor then asked how long dad could stand/sit for. He tried to lead dad to agree with his suggestions for an answer (standing/sitting for 45 minutes, or 2 hours?). Dad was already exhausted and needed prompting, so I told him that it was more like standing for 5 minutes, and sitting for 30 minutes before having to sit back down or move around. This was due to stiffness in joints and pain. I'm hoping the assessor noticed that my dad had to get up a few times during the assessment, for these exact reasons.
The last question asked was how long my dad could walk for, before having to stop. I notice that assessors tend to ask how long (time taken) rather than how far (distance). This does not lead them to an accurate answer for how far a claimant can walk, however, and I think they do this on purpose. No two people will travel the same distance in the space of 5 minutes, for example. One may be able to walk 200 metres, whilst another could only manage 50 minutes. I believe the assessor predicts the furthest distance walked in the time specified; which of course makes the claimant appear more able than they are. I noticed that questions were repeated and reworded sometimes, in order to supposedly "catch us out". I think our answers were consistent though, and I'm glad I'd made my dad aware beforehand that this would happen.
The last part of the assessment was the clinical one; where dad had his blood pressure checked, then had to repeat some exercises (if possible). This consisted of bending/turning his head, moving his arms forward, backwards, to each side & over his head. He also had to make a fist with each hand, and push against the assessors hands. Lastly, he had to sit down and stretch and bend his legs, then push each one against the assessor's hands (both in front and behind).
At the end, the assessor explained what would happen next (writing up the report, sending it to the decision maker etc) and that we could ask for a mandatory reconsideration if unhappy with the decision. We were so glad to get out of the building soon after this!
So that was the face to face Work Capability Assessment! I hope my account of it may be helpful to anyone waiting for theirs. I'm no expert, just someone who has been through the process, but I am happy to read any comments or answer any questions you may have. If I'm not able to answer your question/s, then I will let you know where you may find the answers.
Tuesday, 28 February 2017
"Not really disabled"
The other day, George Freeman (Theresa May's Policy Chief) gave some very insulting and trivialising comments about anxiety disorders. You'll find the details in this article . It seems he believes that those with anxiety disorders are "not really disabled". Apparently all we do is sit at home; taking pills.
After a lot of (very much deserved!) criticism, he responded with a feeble non-apology; where he expressed "regret" that people were offended. Now I do understand that he has had an anxiety disorder in the past & I would never invalidate his experience of that. I do think, however, he needs to educate himself on various anxiety disorders. He may then learn that the symptoms can vary in severity, are complex, and can be very debilitating.
Disability is officially defined in the Equality Act 2010 as this:
"A person (P) has a disability if-
(a) P has a physical or mental impairment, and
(b) the impairment has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on P's ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities."
I cannot speak for everyone with an anxiety disorder/s, but here are the ones that I have and how they affect me.
Agoraphobia
I get very anxious about leaving the house; especially if there are people outside. To travel anywhere, I rely on my dad driving me. I get far too anxious to take public transport, and can't even take a taxi on my own. I can't manage group situations where I have to stay in the room/it'd be considered rude to leave suddenly (such as a class or meeting) and have to be near the toilet or exit if I'm in a restaurant/cafe etc.
Last time I managed to take a train by myself (years ago), I had panic attacks and had to wait for a later train than the one I'd planned to take. I felt very nauseous, dizzy, shaky and sweaty for the entire journey. Once I arrived at my destination, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I found it very hard to focus, and when I had to change trains, I ended up lost for an hour and almost in tears at the train station. It's a good job the friend I was meeting was a patient one! In order to get home, I had to get my dad to pick me up (the journey takes over an hour by car).
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
I've had OCD since childhood, and have tried hard to hide my compulsions. On a bad day, it stops me from leaving the house. It makes me irritable, snappy, and has caused arguments in the past. I take much longer to do things than I should, and am often late for appointments because I've had to complete compulsions, or repeat them until I am "reassured" enough to leave the house. This condition makes me feel trapped and, when I did work, it caused me to miss meetings and compromised my performance at work.
Generalised Anxiety Disorder
I don't react well to changes in plans. I need to know what to expect, Usually, my anxiety flares up in response to things, but I do find that I can randomly panic and not know what has set it off. I get panicky about hypothetical situations, and cannot just wait to deal with a certain situation when it occurs. I tend to think 10 steps ahead of myself, and think of the worst case scenario. I will dwell on potential problems; even more so if I cannot think of a solution.
I find I get very paranoid as well, and I worry a lot about people's opinions of me. I worry about losing friends and look for cues that they may be annoyed at me or drifting away. I also am constantly asking for reassurance.
Phone Phobia
Recently, my phobia of this has lessened and I can now cope with making some phone calls. I still find that I get very nervous when receiving phone calls though, and most of the time I will leave it to go to voicemail. I worry about not knowing the answers to questions I may be asked on the phone. I also worry about not having details like reference numbers ready when needed. I often mishear things and get very anxious (panicky even) if I have to keep asking the other person to repeat themselves. When I worked, I had customers react angrily over the phone because of this. I would avoid answering the phone in the workplace, and have been told off by my manager. I think this contributed to decisions not to carry on my temporary contract too.
I cannot think of a job where you are not expected to use a phone, leave the house, go to meetings, cope with changes, be punctual, have good attendance or be timely with tasks. Even without my other mental health and physical health problems, I highly doubt I could manage work of any kind.
So yes, George Freeman, I may sit at home and take pills but there's so much more to anxiety than that, and yes I am "really disabled".
After a lot of (very much deserved!) criticism, he responded with a feeble non-apology; where he expressed "regret" that people were offended. Now I do understand that he has had an anxiety disorder in the past & I would never invalidate his experience of that. I do think, however, he needs to educate himself on various anxiety disorders. He may then learn that the symptoms can vary in severity, are complex, and can be very debilitating.
Disability is officially defined in the Equality Act 2010 as this:
"A person (P) has a disability if-
(a) P has a physical or mental impairment, and
(b) the impairment has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on P's ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities."
I cannot speak for everyone with an anxiety disorder/s, but here are the ones that I have and how they affect me.
Agoraphobia
I get very anxious about leaving the house; especially if there are people outside. To travel anywhere, I rely on my dad driving me. I get far too anxious to take public transport, and can't even take a taxi on my own. I can't manage group situations where I have to stay in the room/it'd be considered rude to leave suddenly (such as a class or meeting) and have to be near the toilet or exit if I'm in a restaurant/cafe etc.
Last time I managed to take a train by myself (years ago), I had panic attacks and had to wait for a later train than the one I'd planned to take. I felt very nauseous, dizzy, shaky and sweaty for the entire journey. Once I arrived at my destination, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I found it very hard to focus, and when I had to change trains, I ended up lost for an hour and almost in tears at the train station. It's a good job the friend I was meeting was a patient one! In order to get home, I had to get my dad to pick me up (the journey takes over an hour by car).
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
I've had OCD since childhood, and have tried hard to hide my compulsions. On a bad day, it stops me from leaving the house. It makes me irritable, snappy, and has caused arguments in the past. I take much longer to do things than I should, and am often late for appointments because I've had to complete compulsions, or repeat them until I am "reassured" enough to leave the house. This condition makes me feel trapped and, when I did work, it caused me to miss meetings and compromised my performance at work.
Generalised Anxiety Disorder
I don't react well to changes in plans. I need to know what to expect, Usually, my anxiety flares up in response to things, but I do find that I can randomly panic and not know what has set it off. I get panicky about hypothetical situations, and cannot just wait to deal with a certain situation when it occurs. I tend to think 10 steps ahead of myself, and think of the worst case scenario. I will dwell on potential problems; even more so if I cannot think of a solution.
I find I get very paranoid as well, and I worry a lot about people's opinions of me. I worry about losing friends and look for cues that they may be annoyed at me or drifting away. I also am constantly asking for reassurance.
Phone Phobia
Recently, my phobia of this has lessened and I can now cope with making some phone calls. I still find that I get very nervous when receiving phone calls though, and most of the time I will leave it to go to voicemail. I worry about not knowing the answers to questions I may be asked on the phone. I also worry about not having details like reference numbers ready when needed. I often mishear things and get very anxious (panicky even) if I have to keep asking the other person to repeat themselves. When I worked, I had customers react angrily over the phone because of this. I would avoid answering the phone in the workplace, and have been told off by my manager. I think this contributed to decisions not to carry on my temporary contract too.
I cannot think of a job where you are not expected to use a phone, leave the house, go to meetings, cope with changes, be punctual, have good attendance or be timely with tasks. Even without my other mental health and physical health problems, I highly doubt I could manage work of any kind.
So yes, George Freeman, I may sit at home and take pills but there's so much more to anxiety than that, and yes I am "really disabled".
Monday, 9 May 2016
"If you can do X, then you can do Y"
The above phrase, and those similar to it, really piss me off. Usually X and Y are quite different things, and the assumption that the ability to do X makes Y possible too, is so simplistic and just plain inaccurate. This kind of belief seems to form the basis of disability assessments, and ignores how different situations lead to different responses and abilities from the person (trying to) cope with them.
Here's a really obvious example : "If you can type on social media, then you can work". Yes, typing is a task done in many jobs, but being able to type a few words in response to acquaintances online isn't the same as concentrating for hours on tasks involving typing, and meeting the targets that employees are often set. In such a job, it's likely you'll need to communicate with other members of staff, fetch and carry things, attend meetings, and use the phone amongst other tasks. So no. It's not just typing.
Another one would be the assumption that, if you can cope with one group situation, you can cope with every group situation. Again, other things need to be considered. How big is the group? How far away is the session? Can the person always get transport there/if they need someone to accompany them? Is the group situation a formal or informal one? Can the person leave if/when they need? What facilities are there (toilets, drinks facilities, disabled facilities etc).
I have various anxiety disorders that can severely affect what I'm able to do. Different environments and situations can have a big impact on me as well. On a good day, I may be able to meet a couple of friends in town for coffee (as long as I can get transport from my dad or one of my friends). It has to be close friends who understand that I struggle, and are patient with me. They have to know that I need to be in the quieter areas of town, have places to sit down, and they need to be ok with it if I'm struggling too much and need to go home.
This doesn't mean I could cope with *any* group situation. A while back, I was referred to the Expert Patients Programme to help me manage the combination of mental and physical problems that I have. The content of the programme sounded interesting, and at the time I was feeling a bit lost as to how to cope with everything. Unfortunately, the thing that stopped me taking part was the fact that it was a group programme. I knew that everyone there would be in a similar boat to me, and that the staff would be understanding if I needed to leave, but this didn't stop me from being far too anxious to go.
I understand the need to apply things to different situations, but there are so many other things to consider. For lack of better phrasing, if someone can do X, then that only shows that they can do X. Y may be impossible for them. Please believe us, even if you can't fully understand the complexities of our health problems.
Here's a really obvious example : "If you can type on social media, then you can work". Yes, typing is a task done in many jobs, but being able to type a few words in response to acquaintances online isn't the same as concentrating for hours on tasks involving typing, and meeting the targets that employees are often set. In such a job, it's likely you'll need to communicate with other members of staff, fetch and carry things, attend meetings, and use the phone amongst other tasks. So no. It's not just typing.
Another one would be the assumption that, if you can cope with one group situation, you can cope with every group situation. Again, other things need to be considered. How big is the group? How far away is the session? Can the person always get transport there/if they need someone to accompany them? Is the group situation a formal or informal one? Can the person leave if/when they need? What facilities are there (toilets, drinks facilities, disabled facilities etc).
I have various anxiety disorders that can severely affect what I'm able to do. Different environments and situations can have a big impact on me as well. On a good day, I may be able to meet a couple of friends in town for coffee (as long as I can get transport from my dad or one of my friends). It has to be close friends who understand that I struggle, and are patient with me. They have to know that I need to be in the quieter areas of town, have places to sit down, and they need to be ok with it if I'm struggling too much and need to go home.
This doesn't mean I could cope with *any* group situation. A while back, I was referred to the Expert Patients Programme to help me manage the combination of mental and physical problems that I have. The content of the programme sounded interesting, and at the time I was feeling a bit lost as to how to cope with everything. Unfortunately, the thing that stopped me taking part was the fact that it was a group programme. I knew that everyone there would be in a similar boat to me, and that the staff would be understanding if I needed to leave, but this didn't stop me from being far too anxious to go.
I understand the need to apply things to different situations, but there are so many other things to consider. For lack of better phrasing, if someone can do X, then that only shows that they can do X. Y may be impossible for them. Please believe us, even if you can't fully understand the complexities of our health problems.
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