I'm sorry.

(TW: body image/weight, suicidal thoughts)

That's all I can think of saying right now. I'm sorry. I really don't like myself very much these days and I hate when I'm like this. I take things personally, I try to support people but feel I'm saying all the wrong things. I hate myself for getting frustrated about that, because I think it makes me self pitying and self absorbed.

Therapists seem to think I'm so damn self aware and organised and good at understanding what's going on. The truth is, I'm trying to find answers and work out what's going on with me, because nobody else is trying to. I feel like the mental health diagnoses I have (Anxiety and Depression) don't fully cover what I'm feeling, and I'm really searching for answers but it gets so hard to put my finger on it, and describe it properly. Maybe it's something that's always there, right from school, but it's just much worse now. I don't know. Maybe it's nothing, and I'm just generally a pretty awful person.

I made it to 10'000 blog views today. I know that's probably nothing in comparison to more well known bloggers, but I never thought many people would actually want to read what I had to say. I actually felt pretty excited that I'd reached that sort of milestone. So why am I feeling like a terrible person who deserves nothing now?

I've had my phone assessment with Healthy Minds now. I'm amazed I managed to not cry though it. I explained some of the things I talked about in my last post. I've also emailed an OCD charity to get their opinion on my obsessions and compulsions. They said it definitely sounded like I could have a form of it, but obviously my GP, therapists etc are the ones to discuss this with. The therapist on the phone said that because these behaviours were disrupting my life so much, this is what we should be focusing on first. That's definitely a positive thing. Therapists in the past have just brushed it off as a bit of anxiety. It's something I really really need support with though. I know it won't be easy, and I know it will take a while, but I can't leave it to get so bad that I never ever leave the house.

Anyway, I digress. Long story short, the plan is for me to have one more go at High Intensity CBT, but they are putting a note on the system to say (because of my agoraphobia) that, for now at least, I would need either home visits or phone appointments. Also, I've been advised to ask my next therapist to refer me to the Wellbeing service. I need to look into this further, and will probably explain it in another blog post, but from what I've been told, this team consists of CPNs and Support Workers who can meet me at home and help with the agoraphobia, repetitive behaviour etc. If that's true, then this is definitely something I need. Maybe it'll be easier to get them to understand how things are going too. Lastly, I need to review my antidepressants with my GP. I have no idea what other ones she can suggest, because so many of them apparently cause weight gain, and my self esteem is so low, I just don't know what I'd do if I put on more weight. I wish I could just accept my body, love it even. I wouldn't think any less of anyone else putting on weight, so why do I hate myself so much when I do?

The waiting list is about 8 weeks for the CBT, and about 9 months for the Wellbeing service, so basically I have to try and cope in the meantime. I don't think I feel safe right now. I feel like I really want to do something, but I can't do anything because mum has a hospital appointment tomorrow and I can't mess things up for her. Just gotta get through tonight.