Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Lost

I'm feeling a bit all over the place recently. Too many questions in my head and I'm worrying about various things.

Well one thing I can be certain of, I'm definitely hypermobile! Can't believe I didn't realise it before. My thumb is very bendy but I thought that was it! After my doctor's appointment, I admit I googled hypermobility and what hypermobile joints actually look like and found that my legs definitely bend back on themselves, I can do the bendy thumb thing, can touch my thumb to my wrist, my elbows bend back on themselves. There's probably more but I've not noticed it. But yeah, the only thing the GP has suggested is strengthening exercises; which I have to try and do every day. If I can at least strengthen my legs then that's something!

Ok onto the not-so-sure stuff. Last week I had a phone call from my psychologist to see if I could get an appointment soon. Unfortunately, because of my struggling/generally being unsafe on stairs, I can only get a downstairs room (the building doesn't have a lift) and her appointment slots seem to be filling up ridiculously fast. She said she'd call me back again to sort it out but I haven't heard anything back and might have to try and catch her tomorrow. One good thing, she's sent me a couple of supporting letters for my appeal, free of charge! I consider myself extremely lucky with that. She's put in one of them that I'd benefit more from pain management; which is true BUT I definitely need more psychological support because not all my mental health stuff is related to the fibromyalgia. The thing that made me panic though, was that she told me my next session with her will be my last. Part of this is the fact she leaves next month, but you only get 6 sessions apparently. It's Cognitive Behavioural Therapy; which is intended to be short term.

I just feel like we've barely skimmed the surface of the things I need to either control better, face properly and/or accept for what they are. The suicidal thoughts, still there. The guilty and trigger-y feelings from the abortion, still there. The guilt and burden-y feelings from relying on my parents, still there. The terrified feelings and avoidance of group situations and situations where there isn't a toilet, still there. Also I still have the wasp phobia to sort out and need to have my phone anxiety properly dealt with. We've only just started some of the behaviour therapies and help with sleep problems also. There's just so much that I'm not able to deal with on my own. I've had the odd positive time. Once in a while I can answer a phone but I usually find this will only happen (and VERY rarely will it happen) when I'm feeling a bit detached from reality. Once in a while I'll be excited about something. I had a brief moment of excitement when I got my new laptop (Yay! It has all its own buttons and doesn't beep loudly when I switch it on!) and another one when I could afford an online CBT diploma course but I still feel very negative about the future. I want to start seeing improvements already.

I have an appointment to see my GP again on Thursday. I've decided my overactive bladder needs to be taken seriously. It's affecting people around me now because I panic when I need to travel anywhere. It could be as short a journey as 10 minutes but the feeling makes me panic. It takes me a while to be ready and sometimes that makes us late. I sent a panicky email to MIND and they sent me one back; giving me links to all the emergency lines, what to do if I need to attend A&E because of certain things and they even said that if I send them my postcode, they'll see if there's any of their counselling services near me. I'm waiting on their next reply but I definitely need to talk about this to the doctor and make her realise how I'm not just suffering from a bit of a bad mood. It's much much more than that and has been going on a while.

Weeks ago I had a visit from a disability advocate and the mention of a possible representative for the appeal. I've heard nothing since. I need to phone them but the damn phone anxiety holds me back.

I also have a group therapy thing I've been referred for and a graded exercise programme. Both of these include groups of up to 20 people, and this makes me feel very nervous. I know that everyone will be ill like me so it's not going to be extremely formal, but that doesn't reassure me. I'll be thinking about needing the loo all the time and that's assuming I'll even turn up! I want to be ok in groups but I don't deal well with being thrown in the deep end. I'd happily take part in the graded exercise IF it wasn't in a group situation.

Blah, too much to sort out!

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