Thursday 28 November 2013

I Still Need to Talk

My head feels like it has about a million thoughts buzzing round it right now. Isn't it funny how things like to happen in one big batch instead of one or two things to cope with at a time?

I may have to start using that relaxation CD my psychologist gave me a while back. It might even help with sleep; something I miss! Ok, let's try and get these things written down in some coherent way...


I've been bugging her a bit recently, wanting to sort out things before they get even worse. I went to see her on the Thursday (last week) to talk through the overactive bladder stuff and the mental health stuff. There was a medical student in the room with us. Normally I wouldn't have minded, but I was talking through some pretty personal stuff. I would have felt a bit rude, asking her to leave though, so I just tried to forget that she was there. I've been doing well, having water every day and cutting right back on caffeine. My bladder symptoms are exactly the same though. I believe it is partly physical, partly psychological. I had cystitis quite a few times during 6th form back in 2007/2008 and it's never really been the same since. I have learned some behaviours though; which I think makes it partly psychological. She gave me a bladder diary to fill in (which reminds me, I still need to do it!) and has said to see her in the next week or so to go through it with her. She has also referred me to a physio for bladder training exercises. I'm waiting on the appointment for that now but hoping it'll help a bit.

As I said in my previous post "Lost", my next session with my psychologist would be my last. It did worry me a lot because I know I'm not ready to just do the self help stuff and there's still a heck of a lot I need to talk through (e.g. the abortion). I explained as much as I could to the GP and she referred me onto the mental health team to see what else they could do for me. She was really good as usual :) I feel like she always tries to do something, lets me have some say in my treatment but doesn't leave it completely up to me. I don't have all the answers, I wish I did!

Work Programme

I felt so so ill on the day. I've been sleeping really badly recently; not getting to sleep until at least 4am. I think there'd been a bit of a miscommunication the last time I'd been there though, or I might've read those horrible sanction-y bits of the appointment letters wrong. I was under the impression that if you even missed one appointment, even if you let them know beforehand that you were too ill to attend, then you'd lose half your money? So naturally I've been getting dad to drag me along no matter how ill I felt (every. single. bloody. time) and trying to concentrate on what the adviser says. Thanks to an extremely painful stomach I ended up nearly 15 mins late for my appointment. I had a bit of a telling off for that. I did try and explain but in the end I just ended up apologising. These appointments seem a bit pointless at the moment. I feel as if I'm wasting their time and, being an ESA claimant, there's hardly any staff there that are trained to deal with sick and disabled people with a variety of needs. Trying to get the lift each time is an absolute nightmare. I get that they don't want people abusing facilities for people who need them most but the damn thing is key operated and I don't have a key. Whenever I press the buzzer, I'm not given a chance to say I need the lift, so they just buzz me straight in. It is literally pot luck that so far, there has always been a member of staff who happens to be walking by, who can operate the lift for me. What if there's that one time that I'm not able to get hold of anyone? Will I have to miss my appointment or be so late that I get sanctioned? All because the building is so bad for access?

Anyway, after a bit, the woman was a bit nicer. I think she was just miffed that I was late. The whole thing was a bit of a blur, I just remember her going through my next appointments then getting me to sign a form. I didn't like how one of the things on there said "Mandatory Activity" though... I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Psychologist- Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts

I had this appointment pretty much straight after my work programme one, so I was exhausted, mentally drained and constantly on the edge of tearing up. Oh and just so little miss atos nurse knows (if she is reading this, probably not :P), yes I was rocking back and forth in my chair! Does that confirm the Anxiety diagnosis enough for ya? Damn you're good at mental health, have a medal!

I'd written down everything I needed to say and tried to explain it as best I could, considering. I said how I was nervous about this being the last session, how I agreed the focus should be on pain management but there's also a lot I need to talk through on a one to one basis and I feel I still need some support from the mental health team. I told her I'd been to my GP and she'd referred me to them though.

Ooh also another thing. I'm not sure if I've spoken about it in previous posts as it's a fairly recent thing but I came across a CBT online training diploma course! The price had been knocked right down to £40 and luckily I'd saved some money, so jumped at the chance to buy it! So that's one good thing, I've just got to try and concentrate enough to complete it. There's no time constraints or deadlines luckily. So I told the psychologist about this, and she was really pleased that I was doing something to help myself career-wise.

She asked me whether I'd had a phonecall from RAS (sp?). I said I hadn't had any phonecalls from them and didn't know who they were? Apparently the GP had referred me to the mental health team, but they'd referred me back? Really strange. There's always this thing about how much of a 'risk' I am though. I have suicidal thoughts but it seems these RAS people think I don't need their help because I haven't planned or attempted anything. Hmm well I'd rather not get to that point so the 'risk' is that I might do if I don't get proper support. Some self help guides are not going to change that. If I just needed self help, then I never would've been to the GP in the first place. I had to then admit some pretty messed up thoughts about suicide and stuff. I could barely get my words out but I was saying that this was also why I felt I needed to have more sessions. I've lost quite a few friends recently. Well, people I thought were my friends anyway. I had times where I felt completely useless and unwanted. Also all this ESA stuff. I have been thinking about suicide more and this is why I can't just be abandoned by mental health team. The psychologist was really good, she said she'd refer me again because she thinks I need continued support. She's also given me her email even though she's actually leaving on Friday. How nice is that? I've felt so lost recently but at least now I know I can contact her even when I can't use the phone due to anxiety. She also said she was upping me to a 3, is that something to do with priority when it comes to psychology? I might have to research that. I'm going to miss her. I know that I haven't really progressed but she has tried so hard with me.

I'll keep you updated with these referrals. At least I'm feeling a little less lost though!

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