This session, I told my counsellor how I'd been feeling very overwhelmed with everything. She asked me to embellish, and I said how a lot of it was due to triggering news and discussions, as well as bad political news items. I read up on this because I'm interested in it, but it does get me down; especially when it seems that a lot is going wrong in the country or the world. I've also found it hard to reply to private messages from friends, due to being so overwhelmed. As much as I love talking to friends, it can be a draining process when there's lots of messages, and/or long messages. I think about what I need to do in order to reply. It includes:
- Reading the message
- Processing each point made
- Thinking about what to reply with
- Writing it out, while re reading parts of the message received so I don't miss anything out
- Reading through my reply to make sure I've written it properly and the tone is alright
- Sending the message
- Waiting for a reply
- Go back to step 1 and repeat
Eventually, I have to distract myself from messages and reply again in a day or two (or a week or two if I forget!). I feel bad for ignoring my friends, but I literally don't have the energy for long conversations anymore.
As for the triggering news, a lot of it was about abortion, and a certain politician's views on it. I just can't seem to cope with other people's opinions on this topic. Whenever there's a negative view towards it, I take it so personally, and it brings me right back to my own traumatic experience. It took a while for me to realise this was a trauma for me, and I haven't processed what happened, and my feelings about it properly. The way I was treated was in a cold, uncaring, judgmental way. I didn't feel supported by the medical professionals I was under the care of. I was not offered the counselling I so desperately needed after it was over. I just had to get on with life at university as if nothing had happened. I remember feeling so numb sometimes, and so low other times. I would spend time with my then partner (the one who turned out to be abusive) in silence. I know it affected him too, even though he wasn't the father. Nowadays, discussion (or even mention) of abortion makes me panic, feel scared (as if I'm in danger), very low, guilty, I have graphic mental images of the abortion itself, I can even feel the physical pain I was in. I think I do actually have flashbacks now.
I certainly wasn't as fluent in talking about the abortion face to face, as I am, writing it now. I can sort of disconnect when I'm the one talking about it. It's almost as if I'm talking about a character in a book; not myself. Face to face, talking it through with another person, and hearing their views on my experiences, is different though. As I tried my best to talk through what happened and how I felt, as well as the feelings and mental images I have when experiencing flashbacks, I began to feel breathless and panicky. I also became dizzy and struggled to pronounce words. Every time I said a long word, I kept repeating it, and saying to the counsellor that I wasn't sure if I'd pronounced it properly. It was all very weird. I felt very weird, and it took a little while for me to get to a point where I could talk about other things.
The bad news around the country and the world fed into my low mood. I felt as if everything was going wrong. I catastrophised things and felt hopeless about it all. I wanted to help people, but with situations in the country being so bad, I didn't know if I would be able to do it.
After listening to all of this, my counsellor said we should do an exercise. She handed me a sheet of paper, and asked me to write "Low Mood" in the middle of it. I was then asked to draw a spider diagram; writing the things that related to this feeling, or happened to lead to it etc. The things I wrote included the following:
- Abortion - Not processing what happened properly. Feeling trauma, panic, shame, guilt and loss. Complex thoughts around the foetus; thanks to pro life/anti choice opinions. Worrying about this being a loss, and I might never have a chance to have a baby again
- Low self esteem
- Bullying
- Frustration with myself - not being able to fully control my mental health
- Feeling I'm lacking a sense of purpose
- Using therapeutic techniques, but them not working
- Wanting to control things, e.g. my own mental health
I explained each of these things, as I wrote them down. A running theme seemed to be wanting to control things. We then went onto another exercise. This time, I would draw a sort of timeline, with the word "Control" in the middle, things that fed into or led to the need for control, along the left hand side of the timeline, and pros and cons of having control, on the right hand side.
Left Hand Side:
- My early beliefs about the world, and people. I'd been taught that if I was nice to people, they'd be nice back. If I helped people, they would do the same for me.
- When I was bullied, I found that the bullies acted in a way that I didn't expect, so this threw me off. I wasn't prepared for this, so I had no idea how to respond.
- After a long time being bullied, I began to wonder if I even deserved to feel good and have people being nice to me. After all, these people had been horrible, so surely they wouldn't do that if I didn't deserve it? (Remember, these were my early views, I know the world doesn't work like this now)
- Because of all this, I began to want to know what would happen next, in situations, conversations, people bullying me etc.
- I wanted to predict the future, and read people's minds, so I knew how to respond.
- I felt helpless, weak, useless, like a failure, like I would humiliate myself
- So in order to fix this, I needed to gain control.
Right Hand Side:
- Control would lead to reassurance, certainty, feeling strong, knowing how to respond to situations and people.
As for the negative side to gaining control, this will be discussed in my next session. My counsellor told me that there were only 4 sessions left, so to be aware of that. We discussed what I wanted to do next. I said that counselling is helping me progress, but I need something more intense and specialist in order to focus on and hopefully process properly, the traumatic abortion that I had. I felt I needed some sort of trauma therapy or EMDR. I asked my counsellor what was available. She told me that under this mental health team, the only therapy they offer for trauma is CBT. This is something I've had before, for Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I didn't find it helpful, so I didn't feel very sure that it would help my trauma either. I told her that I'd give it another go, but only because it was that or nothing, so I'm not sure if I'm in the right frame of mind to be having it at all.
My only other option is to consider private trauma therapy. I've looked up what's available in my area, and the prices start from around £80 for an hour's session. My only regular income is from ESA and PIP, so there is no way I could afford this, on top of all my other bills. I recently decided to set up a Ko-Fi page, which asks donors to buy "coffees" for the person whose page it is. You click on the amount of "coffees" you want to buy, and that goes directly to the person's Paypal account. I have had one donor so far, who I am so grateful to. I need to raise around £800 though, so I can get enough sessions of trauma therapy. The button that links to my page is on my blog, but I've placed the link again here in case anyone would be kind enough to donate and/or share.
Resources
Counselling for trauma and PTSD: https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/trauma-and-ptsd/
What is EMDR?: https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/
