Wednesday 25 March 2020

Trauma Focused CBT: Session Ten

(TRIGGER WARNING: Covid-19, Mentions of abortion, trauma, domestic abuse, physical, psychological, and sexual abuse)

In the week leading up to this therapy appointment, a lot had happened in the news. Coronavirus became a pandemic, hundreds of people dying from the virus, places (like cafes, bars, cinemas etc) closing, people urged to stay at home unless needing supplies from the supermarket, and lockdown was looking very likely. It's a very worrying time for everyone, even without an anxiety disorder on top.

Amongst other things, I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have found these have all flared up in different ways. I worry about everything more, I'm doing my checking rituals more often, and I have these thoughts that I am unsafe and something really dangerous is about to happen to myself or my loved ones. As well as this, my flashbacks have increased.

I am coming to the end of Trauma Focused CBT for my traumatic abortion specifically. My therapist and I have come to realise that my abusive relationship with an ex brought up traumatic symptoms for me too, but this lot of therapy is nearly over so I'd have to re-refer myself or find some other therapy or counselling to help.

As for the traumatic abortion, I think my PTSD symptoms have lessened slightly (overall, I mean) but the physical pain etc from it still crops up as vivid flashbacks. I may need the odd couple of sessions to give me tools to work on my feelings about this, but I think I am coping well enough to deal with this trauma generally, and use the skills I have been taught for this.

My therapist and I did talk about the abusive relationship, and how memories of that affect me now. It was a long conversation with lots of questions about how my ex partner treated me, how I reacted, and how I feel about it now. I spoke about a few things he had said and done, that affected me badly. I know that I'm not coping well with it, I do get intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, bad dreams etc and I find it very hard to trust men who are interested in me.

This relationship started just as I'd had my abortion, and I believe I was looking for a fresh start, as well as someone to look after me and support me. (You can read more about my abusive relationship here, but I will mention a few things that he said and did.)

My ex partner was very nice and gentlemanly at first. He bought me flowers, took me to nice restaurants, said lovely things and didn't push me to do too much. This soon changed though. I thought he understood that my abortion had been very distressing for me and this is why I was so depressed and quiet. In later arguments, he would bring this up and tell me that I (and others) should've focused on how he was feeling and paid attention to him more.

I found that everything was ok, as long as I agreed with him and everything was on his terms. As soon as I didn't, or they weren't, he would be cold, callous, and cruel. He would push and push me to do things I didn't want to do. On one occasion in particular, he tricked/forced me into doing something sexual that I wasn't comfortable with. Straight after, he acted as if nothing was wrong. I was left feeling confused, violated, and as if I was overreacting.

He would use the old cliche "you'd do this if you really loved me".

As well as this, he was psychologically controlling, he gaslit me, and tried to keep me away from my friends. It was as if he wanted to control any situation we were in. It took me a while to realise that he was so toxic. I tried to break up with him at one point, and he wrote me a long letter to supposedly apologise and promise to change. I foolishly took him back and things had unfortunately not changed.

When we did finally break up, we would still argue, and at one point he followed me back to my student house to "talk". I didn't want to, but he wouldn't take no for an answer (a running theme in our relationship...). I tried to walk away from him, but he grabbed me hard. At this point, I was scared that he would hit me. I couldn't get away because his grip was too strong. It was only when my housemate walked by and saw, that he let me go and ran off. I was understandably really distressed and it took a while for me to calm down. 

I told my therapist about this (amongst other things that had occurred in our relationship) and she confirmed that my ex was very abusive and toxic. She also believed that although he made me feel vulnerable, I was actually very strong for arguing back despite my fears about the consequences.

She told me that although these sessions of CBT were for the abortion specifically, after a break I could get re-referred so we could focus on this abusive relationship. She did recommend I contacted Women's Aid though, as they are apparently very good at providing support to do with domestic abuse. I could even get some counselling from them.

After this telephone therapy session, I felt very uncomfortable, unsafe, and as if I was being violated all over again. The psychological control was personally very hard to cope with, but I seem to be most affected by the sexual abuse I experienced. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, as if I want to scrub it all away?

I have decided that once these therapy sessions are finished, I will take a month or two's break, then I will contact Women's Aid to see what they could offer. I guess any counselling will be done over the phone for now (because of Covid-19 restrictions).

In the meantime, I aim to use my time to distract myself with games, movies, cross stitch even. I also want to be very kind to myself and as supportive as I can be towards my friends and family.



Symptoms of PTSD- What are flashbacks?:

Amys Mystery Illness- I'm a Survivor:

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting:

Women's Aid:

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