Friday 6 April 2018

Another Crisis and an urgent CMHT referral

(TW: Self Harm and Overdose mentions)

In the past few weeks, I've felt very low and noticed I've had strong urges to harm myself. I spoke to one of my best friends and she suggested ringing CMHT. This is also something that my care plan suggests when things are going very badly, so I rang them.

I eventually got through to someone from CMHT, but because I wasn't under their care, I was then told to ring the Access Team (This is the main referral team). I was told by them, to ring the Primary Care Team. When I rang them, instead of being connected to someone I could talk to, I was told to leave a voicemail and I would be called back. My voice was quite shaky at this point, it'd taken a lot for me to make just one phonecall, let alone three! I didn't get a callback, so eventually I text my therapist (at that point, my foggy mind had finally realised I had her mobile number). She text back quite quickly, asked me some questions about the urges to harm myself, what I wanted to do, how likely it was that I'll do it etc. I told her that I had very strong urges to overdose, and had the boxes of all my medication right by me, ready to take. She then said she would call me in half an hour.

I was trying so hard, but as the minutes ticked by, the urges became far too strong and I took my first overdose. Granted, a small one, but an overdose nonetheless.

Soon after this, my therapist finally called back. I told her that I had actually taken some medication, and that I wanted to take as many as would make me unconscious. She asked more questions, then said she would get in touch with the Access Team. She told me to expect a callback, possibly from a CPN from CMHT. It took a couple of hours (talking to my best friend prevented me from taking more of an overdose) but a CPN called me. I explained everything to her and she booked me in for a "priority assessment". Unfortunately, the earliest she could fit me in was 9th April. I accepted that appointment. She then wanted to check I'd be ok, and had distractions as well as people to talk to. She told me to get my parents to hide my medication from me, and only give me a day's worth at a time. She also told me about an app called Calm Harm (which is supposed to use various methods to help you resist self harming).

I was happy about the assessment, but not about the waiting time. I couldn't see how I'd make it through the two weeks. I ended up taking another overdose in the night, so I could sleep. One particularly disturbing thing that happened afterwards was that I had some visual hallucinations. I told my friend the next day, and she explained this could be caused by Serotonin Syndrome (something which can occur when you take too many antidepressants).

Since then, I have had to ask my parents to take care of my medication for me, as every day I've been having thoughts (and sometimes urges) to take another overdose. I find it hard to explain why and what I actually want to happen. I'm not sure I'm very suicidal, but I do want to be unconscious and to be able to escape from all the pressures I'm under at the moment (potentially moving house, nan being unwell to name a couple of things). Another thing I want is help. I think my mental health medication has stopped working and I need to finally get therapy for BPD. I worry that I won't be considered ill enough though.

Either way, I will mention all this at the assessment. I've now been discharged from Primary Care as I'm "too complex" for them to deal with. Ideally, I'd love to have a CPN for a while, as well as a medication review, and to be put on the waiting list for DBT/another therapy for BPD.

My negative mind is telling me not to keep my hopes up however. I'm worried that I will be discharged back to my GP with nothing more than advice to distract myself. The thing is, distractions aren't working anymore and I am not safe.

I had to tell a friend today that I could not now move house with them, as mentally I'm just not stable enough. I can't keep myself safe on my own, and I'm just not sure I could cope with the stresses of moving. I need help to get through this, and I'm so worried that I'm not going to get it.

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