Tuesday 6 January 2015

I lied, I'm not coping.

I'm trying to be a better writer, but this post will be a sort of rambly journal entry I'm afraid.

(TW: Suicide mention)

I seem to be struggling more than usual at the moment (mental health & physical health-wise). Maybe it's the colder weather or the time of year or something (it's been a lot worse since December, so maybe the Christmas period/New Year?).

The colder weather has definitely made my symptoms flare up; pain more than anything else. My legs hurt a lot more than usual & it's really affecting my mobility. I don't have a wheelchair, so I'm leaving the house even less now. On the subject of wheelchairs, when getting the last bits of food shopping for Christmas last month, my parents and I visited a supermarket that'd recently opened. It had lots of facilities, large car park etc, and it also had spare wheelchairs. I was really struggling with pain & was considering using one. There was only one left though, so I tried to just carry on walking. I thought that if I took the last one, then there might be someone who needed it more who then didn't have one to use. I guess I also thought, for some reason, that someone would say I didn't really need it (internalised ableism of course). After a couple of minutes though, I realised there was just no way I could carry on in so much pain. Even though I was still exhausted and in pain, using the wheelchair was definitely a better idea than not using one. It also turned out that when I did decide to get one, another one was free so at least there was still a spare one for someone to use.

I've been trying so hard to keep a smile on my face and not worry my family. It's hard to be totally honest with them, about how I've been feeling. I'm constantly teetering on the edge of a mental health crisis, but there's nowhere to turn. I feel like I need some immediate help, but I can't even attempt to get any unless I know what specific help I need, and there just doesn't seem to be any available regardless. I don't want to worry my family; partly because I don't like worrying/bringing down people, partly because there's nothing they could do anyway. I need to make an appointment with my GP soon (and I so wish the surgery had an online booking system) to remind her about me needing my vitamin d, b12, & folates checking, (& also about the fact that my knee and shoulders still like to sublux, although I doubt this will be listened to at all, so it's probably a waste of time even mentioning it). I also feel like I should talk about my mental health more. I've run out of the Diazepam now. I tried to make it last as long as possible, but honestly I think I need to be on it fairly regularly for now. It seems to be the only thing that helps calm me down a little. I'm nervous about asking for it specifically though; because doctors always seem to mention that it can be addictive. My one-off Psychiatrist appointment is next month, but I'm finding it so hard to cope at the moment, that I feel as if I need something to last until then at least.

I'm getting more mood swings at the moment. I can go from really low, to paranoid, to snappy, random days when I want to do everything (but chronic illness means I can't) to panicky & agitated, and then feel completely numb the next day. I'm also having days where I get this real urge to confess every bad thing I ever said or did. It's as if I think of myself as this absolutely horrible person, who is putting on a show of being nice, and sooner or later people will realise what I'm *really* like.

I've had very vivid dreams recently. I won't say what they've been about, but last night's was horrible, really messed up. I've had very intrusive thoughts that I've found almost impossible to ignore. I was sure other people could read my thoughts, so I've been really awkward and edgy round my parents in particular. It's like I need to get away from everyone, so they don't have to deal with me anymore.

I had some strong suicidal urges earlier. I couldn't distract myself & there were times I really thought I'd have carried through with the urges. Again, I won't give details.

I did want to sleep a lot better tonight, but with so much on my mind, I think I'm just going to have to try and distract myself as much as possible, and hope I'll wear myself out enough to sleep soon.


  1. Hi Amy - really sorry to hear about the above and hope today is feeling slightly more hopeful. I was just reading through this and wanted to offer my support: I have OCD and a couple of the things you wrote above seem very, very familiar to me and how my illness manifests (specifically the intrusive thoughts and overpowering urge to 'confess'). I just wanted to let you know that if you need to chat about this kind of thing with someone who knows how they feel, I'm very happy to be around whenever, no trouble :) I've left this comment with a link to my twitter where we both follow each other. Lucy x

  2. I'm sorry for the delay in replying! Thank you so much for the comment :) I appreciate it a lot. I'm not officially diagnosed with OCD (haven't had a therapist say I have it, more that I said I thought I might, and GP, Healthy Minds therapist & crisis team CPN agreed?) The more I read about it though, the more I can relate to it. I'm sorry you get those horrible thoughts and urges too :( I'm here if you ever need to talk, or want distractions etc. I just saw on twitter :) Take care lovely xx