Monday 8 April 2013

Sheer Exhaustion

This post is half an explanation to my friends, half a bit of a rant about how I've been feeling the past few days (or weeks? I don't remember)

I've had so many things I've needed to do, since moving back in with my parents, and only recently got some of it done. This includes unpacking boxes, sewing up clothes that needed mending for ages, cleaning round the house a bit because mum can't.

I'm really really trying to pace but it's proving impossible. I feel like there's even less I can physically do than I originally thought. It terrifies me that I might actually be getting worse. I'm not dying or anything so I guess I shouldn't be so terrified but it's the ambitions I have that I feel are disappearing into the distance at an alarming rate. I have to stop myself from using the "By now I should have achieved....." phrase which kills me inside.

I also feel so so incredibly guilty that I have become this incapable of doing things. I know it's not my fault. I've not abused any substances, led an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle or got into lots of fights or anything. I just got ill. It's because I'm not the only ill person in my household. My mum has epilepsy and is currently recovering from an operation on her leg that is taking a long time to mend. She's really been through the wars and also has to learn to pace herself in order to let herself recover properly. My dad has arthritis which is getting worse and spreading through every joint it can find. He holds down a full time manual job and is exhausted by the time he gets back from work. I don't know how he manages it. So I feel guilty when asking either mum or dad to help with things such as changing bed sheets, washing up, cooking etc. When I see them wincing (sp?) in pain, although I'm doing the same, I feel incredibly guilty.

I wish we could afford a cleaner or something but it's just not possible. So I have to push myself most days to just get stuff done, otherwise it won't get done. We need clean plates, clean sheets, food on the table etc.

I realise the past few days just how much these things are taking a toll on my own health and energy. I guess you could say I've put myself into 'spoon debt' haha.

It's just got to a point where I'm finding it hard to concentrate on conversations on facebook/twitter/text/phone even and I feel bad because my responses are very lacking or just don't make much sense. I worry about rubbing people up the wrong way because I'm too tired to sugarcoat things either. I'm sitting here close to tears because I'm just so fed up of my body not doing what I'm telling it to do. Or being very slow about it!

At the moment I feel completely out of it, I'm sort of hobbling around in a daze and being forgetful about things. I made a salmon and cucumber sandwich earlier. I kept going to the fridge and wondering why I needed to go there. I'd got the salmon and cucumber out and I needed to get a knife (in the drawer), a plate (in the cupboard), the breadboard and the butter (in the cupboard). I kept going to the fridge to get the knife, what!

I do joke about getting confused sometimes but it is extremely frustrating.

My back is still very bad from when I was last with my partner, helping him put his clothes away. Everytime I walk, or bend, or stretch, or turn, it's like my body thinks it's a bad idea. It's what I'd imagine arthritis to feel like (although my blood tests don't indicate any bone problems) with the wearing away of the cartilage and feeling like your bones are rubbing together and being damaged.

I'm definitely not ready to work again yet am I? Everytime a period of employment has ended, my body has felt worse for it.

Anyway, I must go now and reply to the message I was sent quite a while ago.

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